xocolat

can hardly believe that i'm back. moving through a lot.
learning to live with this profound sadness that i feel.
i miss my people in the states.
in fact, "miss" just isn't the word.

i don't know what the word is.

i'm sitting in casa de xocolat on katipunan ave. writing this.
37 minutes worth of battery left
just had a catch up dinner with my friend Oggie, at his favorite spot, chocolate kiss.
chocolate seems to the running theme for tonight.
sige.

there are all of these things that i want to write about.
i start.
then stop.
just can't do it.
just can't do it, yet.

the pace of manila is getting to me.
the heat.
the diesel fumes.
the noise.
the din.

the full moon was last night.
nathanel, joy, and i sleptover at troy's.
we watched the moon play in the clouds.
my heart ached, because i really love the moon.

justin, you are missed, brother.

i went to madapdap on tuesday.
the clinic is looking great.
a number of badly needed renovations were completed while i was gone.
the walls are finished. just need to be sealed and painted. the floors are smooth. and green!

looking forward to settling in over there again.
soon, soon.
need to rent a car to haul all my stuff from marikina to madapdap.
add it to my list.

when he saw me, my secret favorite client climbed onto my lap, put his arms around my neck, and laid his head against my chest.
i held him, sniff kissed the top of his head, and almost cried.
oh my.
this is sweet.

the mothers were asking for their pasalubong. i guiltily brought chocolates. one pound box of see's nuts and chews. one of my all-time faves. "secret natin ha," i said, "baka nagalit si susan eh." they don't have dental care kasi. this chocolate tastes different here. the heat softens it. the chews are chewier. the chocolate smoother somehow.

nathanel leaves for the states tuesday.
my cousin leaves for bahrain on tuesday.
congresswoman rosales and the mayor of mabalacat come visit the clinic on tuesday.
tuesday is some kind of day.

i will wake up 5 hours from now, get ready, and climb onto a jeep, then the lrt, walk for a bit, then a climb onto a bus back to madapdap.
will stay overnight, and then back to manila again.

keep going Muki.
it feels hard right now.
this won't last.

be here.
you're here.

be here.
you're here.

be here.
you're here.

be here.

integration

haaaaaaaay.
still stateside.
vegas.
spent the last ten days or so in the bay area.

so much has happened.
so much keeps happening.

heart is breaking...
wider and wider open.

liminal spaces.
transition.

honesty.
compassion.

ego.

limitations.
fear.

dear, dear friends.
new friends.
family.
dearest friend.

juggle it.
work it out.
make it work.

community.
love.

how can i leave this place again?
Inang Bayan, i hear you.
i'm coming back.
and my heart, my heart.

will need time to process and integrate all of this.
in the meantime, i receive.

will be a challenge for me, as i return...
it seems as if the clinic demands that i hit the ground running.
okay, if that makes sense.

then i will need to take frequent breaks.

and remember.
remember the importance of integration.
for making space for integration.

my body is tired.
and i encourage her to stretch a little longer.
there's purpose to this pain.
i vow to do better in taking care of you and making you stronger.
i see how important you are as the physical vessel in our Path.

my heart is full.
and i encourage her to stretch a little longer.
there's purpose to this pain.
she wants to numb out.
and say, "tama na. enough."
"sige po," i cajole. kaya mo ito.

stay present, dearest.
see how it all fits?
it hurts because there is so much Love.
leaving again hurts because there is so much Love.
it actually a privilege to be able to feel all of this, darling.

atsaka....
ang sakit.
ang sakit talaga.

and also it hurts.
it really, really, really hurts.

i leave on friday.
the next three days will be spent running around getting everyone's pasalubong.
buying stuff that is expensive or not available in the philippines.
spending time with my family.
packing balikbayan boxes.
taking care of some stateside clinic business.

may i continue to witness my own process.
may i love myself through this.
can no longer afford to do it any other way.

exhale.
settle.
reset.
okay.