Tuesday, April 29, 2008

mangga

it's mango season here.
i bought a kilo (2.2 lbs!) of baby indian mangoes at the talipapa yesterday for P10 (about 25 cents!)

i just ate three.
breakfast-snack, after doing my laundry.
mass amounts of laundry.

lots of good ideas come to me when i do my laundry.
it's also because i do my best thinking in the morning.
and i do my laundry usually in the morning, so that it will have all day to dry.

one of my favorite things to do is eat fruit at the beach.
went to camayan beach at subic with rowell a couple of weeks ago.
we ate prado mangoes, grown from seeds that reimon got from jolo.

juice dripped down my arms, wet my cheeks.
sand stuck to my arms, my cheeks and chin.
i went into the sea and washed myself clean again.
it's such a nice feeling...
and i really do love fruit.

eyes resting

eyes resting on beauty.
i look forward to this.
got back from mindanao two days ago.

was so good to see pi and lisette for a couple of days.
and "meet" makilala.
was joined by sony, livia, and alicia, a shaman from canada.
powerhouse group.
also met the wonderful betsy and nono.
we danced and laughed and hugged and ate.
and cried.
and healed.

biodynamic farm.
biodynamic rice, veggies, fruits, yogurt, cheese.
delicious.
outdoor showers.
yellow frog in the curtain.
i really love to bathe outside.
i really love farms, too.

we went to sacred spots.
bits of earthsongs came to me as i swam under waterfalls and sat in the hotsprings.
i sang them into the ears of the mountain.
mt. apo.
they were pleased to hear them again.
they were the ones who gave them to me after all.
i saw a lake that was so hot the water was boiling.
i sang there too.
and danced.
and inhaled deeply the sulphuric steam.

eyes resting on beauty.
it was my Teacher who said that to me.

went also to a 7 day anthroposophic conference, titled "the total art of healing" in kidapawan.
met anthroposophic nurses and doctors, biodynamic farmers, waldorf teachers, art therapists, artists, and musicians.
learned much and met many fine folk.
befriended 4 other nurses and will be doing work with them in the future.

many people have been asking me what i am going to be doing next.
i don't have anything lined up.

and thank goodness.
i'm going to the states in a couple of weeks for the New Dharma sesshin and jukai (again!).
will stay a month.
then, i'll come back and see what arises.

since i've resigned, many opportunities have come up for work.
i really am lucky.
and the Universe is testing me again, to see if i've learned my lesson.

will travel around a bit when i get back.
so that my eyes can rest on beauty.
in baguio, iloilo, palawan, negros, cebu, sagada, banaue, batanes, maybe.
tignan natin.
maybe even throughout southeast asia.
we'll see.

in the meantime, closing out my work at the clinic...
and
still have to file my income taxes in the states (gak. thank goodness for extensions!)
and
4 day food and arts festival at Prado starting thursday.
will be baking cookies and helping with the school age kid activities.
and
despedida with estong and michelle tomorrow night.
will videoke and drink and be silly.
and
last day at the clinic is may 6.
and
will fly out to davao with troy on may 7, first flight!
will be attending another convergence of healers there at the maian planet til may 13.
and
will attend my friend krystal's play at UP, entitled "Marisol" on may 16.
and
will fly out to the states on may 17.
phew.

i lead a full, full life.
swerte ko talaga.

Monday, April 14, 2008

healing conversation

from astro.com, for me, today:

"Under this influence all forms of healing and being healed are especially favored. This influence is also particularly suited for every type of operation on body and soul, whether you undertake this on another person or on yourself. With people who are close to you, you can have deep conversations about those sore points which we all have and which make us react very sensitively to some things. It would be only too human to avoid this situation for fear of the pain connected with it. But, of course, you should not do so, as healing and becoming whole demand certain preconditions which are not readily to be found, but which are, during this time, especially favored."

The interpretation above is for your transit selected for today:
Mercury Conjunction Chiron, , exact at 08:29
activity period from 14 April 2008 to 15 April 2008



thank you Cosmos.
/|\

Saturday, April 5, 2008

wilder

i resigned my position at the clinic.
perhaps it was the little laura ingalls in me that was so attracted to doing what i've been doing.
it was such a big part of this identity that i created for myself.
it became almost rote.
almost.

"i'm a nurse volunteer, here from the states. i run a clinic for toxic waste victims, children with cerebral palsy, in pampanga."

as if that is my main identity.
it's not.
not that the clinic work isn't noble or worthy.
that's just not how i wish to identify myself, yet i did it. a lot.
(the scarier question for me is... if i didn't want to identify myself like this, in this limited way, WHY did i do it? ugh. not now.)

the clinic is a converted house in the middle of a resettlement area.
i set up the clinic, and the systems that run it.
i made connections, organized, and helped empower people to recognize their gifts.
part of me, i think, was so curious to see if i could even hack living on my own, in a very different kind of lifestyle.

well, i found out that i can.
i can even do it well.

that's good information for me to have.
it's the thing that i now measure all daunting things against, and then they don't feel so daunting.

i've said it before.
the clinic is my cover.
cover for what, Muki?
why do i even need a cover?
why was it again that i decided to come here in the first place?

it wasn't to run a clinic.
it was to reclaim my wholeness.
it was to help other fil-ams reclaim theirs.

there are parts of my soul scattered all over the Philippines.
buried in the earth.
swimming in the sea.
mingling high up in the wind and mountains.
parts of me are hidden in the pause before the dawn breaks, the moment before it rains, the moment right after it stops.
parts of me live in the place where the sun goes right after he dips below the horizon.
i'm in the rice and sugar cane fields.
i'm in the bird's songs.
parts of me live in the spaces between the feathers on their wings, spread wide as the fly.
i'm in the breath between sentences spouted off in kampampangan, taglish, english, tagalog, ilocano, ilonggo.
parts of me live in the silence of solitude, in the sound of my footsteps as i walk alone on this sacred earth.
parts of me live in the camaraderie of intimate seekers, especially old, old friends who have not yet met.
i am hidden in the dance, the ancient dance, the innerdance with no music, no guru.
i'm in a candle flame.

no wonder i couldn't find them at the clinic.
i have to be traveling or in nature to find them.

somehow i lost my way. and fortunately, the Universe has directed me back onto my Path.
or at the very least, she has highlighted, very sharply that i'm in dire need of a course correction.
as my dear friend Leny recently wrote, "there are always markers."
perhaps the Universe did not want me to miss this particular marker, because it's shaken me to the core.

it's like i didn't realize the misalignment all that much at first.
it's like when your alignment is off in your car, and when you are driving in a straight line, your trajectory is only a little bit skewed in the beginning. then you continue driving straight and it isn't until you go driving for awhile that you notice how way off course you've come.
this is where i stopped the car and was like, "whoa. i am so off course. how did this happen?"
then a week's worth of solitude and reflection reveals this seemingly small misalignment in the beginning of the journey, the justifications and excuses i made up to cover it, and how with time, the trajectory angle became so obtuse that it got harder and harder to keep up the facade. and that my relationship with Mayora became increasingly more painful and difficult to navigate was significant to my recognizing that i was living misaligned, that i was choosing to live misaligned.

i had this image, this idea of what my life here was supposed to be, what it was supposed to look like.
and even when it was doing it's very best to show me what it really was, i could not see it because i chose not to.
as my dear Teacher recently wrote, "the precious gift of choice."

it's hard for me to try to articulate all of this, especially as i stumble through it.
and, it's kind of embarrassing.
i'm heartbroken because of what i've done, the repeated choice not to see.
(or is it most heartbreaking that i saw and chose to pretend that i didn't see?)
the impact i have, especially because of who i am and who i am becoming...
i am gaining a deeper and deeper understanding of this, and i wish to wield it more responsibly from now on.

i'm humbled because i understand myself more fully now, and that helps me move through the embarrassment that i feel.
am grateful for this depth of understanding.
and awed by the strength of my ego.
somehow, i feel like this has been a strange kind of princess and the pea syndrome.

ultimately, i can't regret this experience.
no doubt, this has also been part of the Divine plan for me.
this indelible, lived experience.

i forgive myself for being reckless with my spirit, for living willingly with the misalignment.
i can understand where this choice originated from.
and this deeper understanding has left a significant imprint on my brain and heart.
every cell in my body, actually.

but now, it's time to create my Life.
meaning that it's time to name and call out to the Beings and circumstances that are indeed aligned with the next part of this journey.
i sing to them my sorrows and grief, and i'm ready for them to come and teach and guide me, in a more aligned way.
i thank them for their patience and this painful initiation.