there is an adorable photo booth picture of chandra and me on my desktop.
i really heart that photo booth application.
i recall that it was prolly the main impetus of my buying this black macbook.
that...
and it's black.
i took my computer to the apple store today because it has been running so very s - l - o - w lately.
i was all prepared for them to keep it for the next 2 days, but it turned out they fixed it in like 20 minutes.
cleaned out all the caches, reset some things, and did something else that i can't remember.
when it was all said and done, something like 13,429+ things were emptied out of the trash.
holy shit.
that's a lot of stuff.
instead of taking like 40 seconds for my computer to turn on and "get right," it takes like 10.
have a bunch of junk for me to sort thru and file away on my desktop, and the genius bar guy said once i did that, it would even run faster.
now, we're talking...
so, metaphorically speaking, this trip has been like this.
a reset.
a purging of things no longer needed.
where's my baggage?
a kind of clarity has descended, and i am grateful.
gave some talks at Sonoma State on spirituality and decolonization, upon invitation from my dear friend Leny.
(when did college students get so young?)
catching up; cosmic christ; delicious, nutritious, low salt meals; chi gong- my hands got hot like when i practice reiki; books!; a santo; babaylan conference on the horizon...
was invaluable to spend time with my Teacher and fellow Students.
center for transformative change, 27 days for change: Practice Period, urban retreat, chant leading, perfect intention, new liturgy, old liturgy, roles, observations, open house, memory, memories, getting lost, getting found, giving instruction, receiving instruction, knowings, being loud, social silence, truthfulness (phew, not continence), food, body, precision, warmth, baby children, JO KATA, dana, prostrations, the coarse hinderances (i have resolved to relax into these coarse ones. just thinking about the ones that remain hidden, for now, freak me the fuck out.)
connected with some pea-op-lays...
some on purpose, some quite by happy accident...
all divinely scripted tho, by the unfathomable Universe...
Mitra, mitra, chandra, Simha, Prema, Zochi, Leny, Cal, Sundaresvani, Suryanandi, Marie, Stan, Jim, Kim, Vassi, Jase, AGP, Miguel, Joseph...
checked out Rudolf Steiner College. drove way the fuck out there. worth the trip, if not just to satisfy the curiosity i had in my head about the place. glorious bookstore (i love books!)-they stayed open later for me, the campus was pretty much empty when i got there. despite this, was pleasantly surprised to have spied some folks of color. they were purty. spent time in the biodynamic garden and watched the master gardener and his helpers work. i'd like to do that some day. i sat on the bench near the vortex fountain, imagining. nice...
things shifting for me around my family, too.
(insert sigh here)
cuts close to the bone.
once upon a time, i had expectations of being understood.
then, after several lumps and bumps of the 'dark nights of the soul' quality, the expectations shifted to yearnings.
then the yearnings to longings.
now, i'm about ready to let go of the longing.
not quite yet.
haven't infused enough warmth in the process, so that i can send it off in a good way.
but almost.
let the Love remain.
let the Love remain.
let the Love remain.
where is my baggage?
there's no place like Home.
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
precision
i associate precision with coldness.
cold precision.
cold.
precision.
what does warm precision look like?
can precision be friends with warmth?
(we already know that warmth likes to be friends with everyone.)
for me and my Practice, i'm fixin' to find out.
cold precision.
cold.
precision.
what does warm precision look like?
can precision be friends with warmth?
(we already know that warmth likes to be friends with everyone.)
for me and my Practice, i'm fixin' to find out.
enlightening experience
from astro.com:
(boy, howdy.)
Enlightening Experience ***
Valid during many months:
This influence will expose you to ways of looking at the world that are quite different from any you have known before. The alternate states of consciousness designated by this influence are not terrifying or confusing. Instead, you are much more likely to experience a widening interest in the greater depths of the universe and an increased ability to perceive them.
Your intuition will be enormously heightened at this time, and if you have any innate psychic talents, they will appear now. You will be increasingly interested in the occult and astrology, and these disciplines will give you understandings that you have never had before. It is quite likely that you will have an enlightenment experience - a perception of your true place in the universe - on some level that is meaningful to you.
Idealism is also part of your life now, but its nature is very abstract. You are much more interested in philosophical truth and absolutes than in practical reforms in the world around you. The exception to this is that you could become directly and practically involved with the plight of the underprivileged. You might work to reform conditions in a hospital or other such institution.
Another consequence of this influence is that you may become involved with a religious or spiritual movement that works for social reform - a movement motivated not by political doctrines.
The interpretation above is for your transit selected for today:
Neptune Trine Uranus, , exact at 23:06
activity period from middle of May 2008 until beginning of December 2010
(boy, howdy.)
Enlightening Experience ***
Valid during many months:
This influence will expose you to ways of looking at the world that are quite different from any you have known before. The alternate states of consciousness designated by this influence are not terrifying or confusing. Instead, you are much more likely to experience a widening interest in the greater depths of the universe and an increased ability to perceive them.
Your intuition will be enormously heightened at this time, and if you have any innate psychic talents, they will appear now. You will be increasingly interested in the occult and astrology, and these disciplines will give you understandings that you have never had before. It is quite likely that you will have an enlightenment experience - a perception of your true place in the universe - on some level that is meaningful to you.
Idealism is also part of your life now, but its nature is very abstract. You are much more interested in philosophical truth and absolutes than in practical reforms in the world around you. The exception to this is that you could become directly and practically involved with the plight of the underprivileged. You might work to reform conditions in a hospital or other such institution.
Another consequence of this influence is that you may become involved with a religious or spiritual movement that works for social reform - a movement motivated not by political doctrines.
The interpretation above is for your transit selected for today:
Neptune Trine Uranus, , exact at 23:06
activity period from middle of May 2008 until beginning of December 2010
Monday, March 16, 2009
a year later
I said to my soul, be still, and wait without hope.
For hope would be hope for the wrong thing; wait without love
For love would be love of the wrong thing; there is yet faith
But the faith and the love and the hope are all in the waiting.
Wait without thought, for you are not ready for thought:
So the darkness shall be the light, and the stillness the dancing.
-T.S Eliot
friend, i just read this.
a year later.
i'm beginning to understand.
For hope would be hope for the wrong thing; wait without love
For love would be love of the wrong thing; there is yet faith
But the faith and the love and the hope are all in the waiting.
Wait without thought, for you are not ready for thought:
So the darkness shall be the light, and the stillness the dancing.
-T.S Eliot
friend, i just read this.
a year later.
i'm beginning to understand.
Thursday, March 12, 2009
la reve
the human body is amazing.
and beautiful.
just came home from watching 'la reve' with my sisters.
our parents' treat.
a new standard was born for me this night.
i want to be la reve strong.
all the kalbo men remind me of powder.
one of my favorite parts is when they all wore orange skirts.
muscles, muscles everywhere.
and beautiful.
just came home from watching 'la reve' with my sisters.
our parents' treat.
a new standard was born for me this night.
i want to be la reve strong.
all the kalbo men remind me of powder.
one of my favorite parts is when they all wore orange skirts.
muscles, muscles everywhere.
venus in retrograde
my reiki teacher, Aisa, sent me an email about venus in retrograde.
a snippet:
From March 6 through April 17 2009, the planet Venus will be
retrograde. The retrograde motion of an inner planet is an apparent
phenomena as viewed from earth in which Venus appears to move
backwards in the sky. Every 1 ½ years, when Venus moves
approximately 29 degrees ahead of the Sun (in the astrological
ephemeris), it will begin to move backwards in the sky until it
reaches a point approximately 21 to 29 degrees behind the Sun.
When Venus is retrograde, it provides lessons in evaluating the real
worth and value of people and things in our life (Taurus-Libra
issues). With existing relationships, this cycle produces
experiences wherein it is easier to discern the relative worth and
value of these people in your life.
Discrimination is more effective. You become readily aware of any
problems, differences or unresolved issues. It is NOT a time,
however, to act upon any unfavorable awareness. It is purely a time
of evaluation rather than direct action. As little frictions and
disagreements crop up, they serve to remind you that the
relationship is not perfect. Under the retrograde influence, you
must assess the severity of the problem and the "cost-benefit" of
the relationship. Only after Venus turns direct should you initiate
any alienation if this is deemed necessary.
when i read this, it makes so much sense.
AND, hold onto your butts (again!)
change is a-comin'.
change is a-comin'.
change is a-comin'.
change is a-here.
as in, everpresent.
transition is the norm.
('member?)
relationships don't end;
they just change.
so, there is some major shifting going on in my relationships.
with pea-op-lays. (ooph.)
with places.
with things.
with concepts.
with things unseen.
with things felt.
with ideas.
and expectations.
of course there is.
I am changing.
again.
the world is expanding.
correction.
my view is expanding.
the world remains as it is.
it's a revolution, in every sense of the wor(l)d...
it's extraordinary.
ah, good.
'cause so am I.
revolution.
this may well be my new favorite word...
a forcible overthrow of the social order in favor for a new (presumably better) system
a dramatic and wide-reaching change in the way something works or is organized
a revolving (like another turn in the upward spiral!)
9 seconds.
('member?)
in this moment, i am feeling like 9 seconds is enough, after all.
that, perhaps, 9 seconds can contract and expand like everything else.
i will enjoy this time of heightened discernment.
I am resolute in my to intention receive all gifts of awareness with equanimity.
i will act,
not react.
the difference is a breath.
an exhale, to be more precise.
yum.
a snippet:
From March 6 through April 17 2009, the planet Venus will be
retrograde. The retrograde motion of an inner planet is an apparent
phenomena as viewed from earth in which Venus appears to move
backwards in the sky. Every 1 ½ years, when Venus moves
approximately 29 degrees ahead of the Sun (in the astrological
ephemeris), it will begin to move backwards in the sky until it
reaches a point approximately 21 to 29 degrees behind the Sun.
When Venus is retrograde, it provides lessons in evaluating the real
worth and value of people and things in our life (Taurus-Libra
issues). With existing relationships, this cycle produces
experiences wherein it is easier to discern the relative worth and
value of these people in your life.
Discrimination is more effective. You become readily aware of any
problems, differences or unresolved issues. It is NOT a time,
however, to act upon any unfavorable awareness. It is purely a time
of evaluation rather than direct action. As little frictions and
disagreements crop up, they serve to remind you that the
relationship is not perfect. Under the retrograde influence, you
must assess the severity of the problem and the "cost-benefit" of
the relationship. Only after Venus turns direct should you initiate
any alienation if this is deemed necessary.
when i read this, it makes so much sense.
AND, hold onto your butts (again!)
change is a-comin'.
change is a-comin'.
change is a-comin'.
change is a-here.
as in, everpresent.
transition is the norm.
('member?)
relationships don't end;
they just change.
so, there is some major shifting going on in my relationships.
with pea-op-lays. (ooph.)
with places.
with things.
with concepts.
with things unseen.
with things felt.
with ideas.
and expectations.
of course there is.
I am changing.
again.
the world is expanding.
correction.
my view is expanding.
the world remains as it is.
it's a revolution, in every sense of the wor(l)d...
it's extraordinary.
ah, good.
'cause so am I.
revolution.
this may well be my new favorite word...
a forcible overthrow of the social order in favor for a new (presumably better) system
a dramatic and wide-reaching change in the way something works or is organized
a revolving (like another turn in the upward spiral!)
9 seconds.
('member?)
in this moment, i am feeling like 9 seconds is enough, after all.
that, perhaps, 9 seconds can contract and expand like everything else.
i will enjoy this time of heightened discernment.
I am resolute in my to intention receive all gifts of awareness with equanimity.
i will act,
not react.
the difference is a breath.
an exhale, to be more precise.
yum.
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
incense and tea
roused from sleep at 4am this morning.
no easy feat; for the last week or so, i've been waking up at 8am, 9am, noon.
i'm luxuriating in this high speed internet at my parents' house.
it's just so...
easy.
i think of the times when i connect to the internet in my place in sta. rita.
it's like rotary phone dial up modem-dot matrix printer-that game lemonade-black strap molasses in a blizzard-slow.
i just got done talking to Rowell through skype.
the moon is already full there.
kyut daw ang buwan kasi paminsan-minsan may ulap.
i gave him the keys to my place before i left.
he said he's slept there the last two nights.
he lit incense.
and drank tea.
i'm a little surprised at how incredibly comforting this is to me.
i leave for the bay area on saturday for two weeks.
my mother seemed surprised that i was going.
i was surprised that she was surprised.
translation: she will miss me. i'll miss her, too.
i've been taking my turn caring for my baby pamangkin.
i love to kiss her, even her little pusod hernia
she smells like milk.
no easy feat; for the last week or so, i've been waking up at 8am, 9am, noon.
i'm luxuriating in this high speed internet at my parents' house.
it's just so...
easy.
i think of the times when i connect to the internet in my place in sta. rita.
it's like rotary phone dial up modem-dot matrix printer-that game lemonade-black strap molasses in a blizzard-slow.
i just got done talking to Rowell through skype.
the moon is already full there.
kyut daw ang buwan kasi paminsan-minsan may ulap.
i gave him the keys to my place before i left.
he said he's slept there the last two nights.
he lit incense.
and drank tea.
i'm a little surprised at how incredibly comforting this is to me.
i leave for the bay area on saturday for two weeks.
my mother seemed surprised that i was going.
i was surprised that she was surprised.
translation: she will miss me. i'll miss her, too.
i've been taking my turn caring for my baby pamangkin.
i love to kiss her, even her little pusod hernia
she smells like milk.
Monday, March 9, 2009
retablo
noun.
a frame or shelf enclosing decorated panels or revered objects behind an altar.
i wonder, what are my revered objects?
i mean, in the veritable "church of myself," what is it that i hold dear?
i mean intentionally.
and what's back there that snuck in?
or i forgot it was there?
or that i learned to wield for survival?
or that i outgrew but i haven't released?
or was passed to me from my ancestors, from generation to generation?
or was from that cursed vine?
or if it isn't directly from the vine (master of insidiousness, that it is), then it acts like the most natural camouflage.
i think spending time with my family is my most painful mirror.
and, if i choose it, is my most helpful one.
i have that funny feeling again.
it's like a fluttery feeling that hovers in my stomach and throat.
that certain discomfort that i feel when i know, i know, i have been given another opportunity to do it better.
i pray that i don't let this opportunity slip by.
tho, in so many ways, i wish it would just go away.
ah, it's too big now to ignore.
and i'm scared.
and i know it's a gift.
and i feel nauseous.
all these wounded parts of me are screaming.
hello again humiliation.
hello again guilt.
hello again shame.
i see you.
moreover, i feel you.
you no longer run the show.
I do.
and really, really, THANK YOU!
you have played your parts beautifully.
i know that i have not sufficiently given you your due.
and believe me, i do intend to, in my time and in my own way.
because i know we can't really be friends 'til i do.
i will.
promise.
and perhaps, it will even be in a refined or genteel way.
i hope, at the very least, it will be in a way that actually reflects and honors what worthy companions and adversaries you all have been.
but for now, for now, get the fuck out of my retablo.
a frame or shelf enclosing decorated panels or revered objects behind an altar.
i wonder, what are my revered objects?
i mean, in the veritable "church of myself," what is it that i hold dear?
i mean intentionally.
and what's back there that snuck in?
or i forgot it was there?
or that i learned to wield for survival?
or that i outgrew but i haven't released?
or was passed to me from my ancestors, from generation to generation?
or was from that cursed vine?
or if it isn't directly from the vine (master of insidiousness, that it is), then it acts like the most natural camouflage.
i think spending time with my family is my most painful mirror.
and, if i choose it, is my most helpful one.
i have that funny feeling again.
it's like a fluttery feeling that hovers in my stomach and throat.
that certain discomfort that i feel when i know, i know, i have been given another opportunity to do it better.
i pray that i don't let this opportunity slip by.
tho, in so many ways, i wish it would just go away.
ah, it's too big now to ignore.
and i'm scared.
and i know it's a gift.
and i feel nauseous.
all these wounded parts of me are screaming.
hello again humiliation.
hello again guilt.
hello again shame.
i see you.
moreover, i feel you.
you no longer run the show.
I do.
and really, really, THANK YOU!
you have played your parts beautifully.
i know that i have not sufficiently given you your due.
and believe me, i do intend to, in my time and in my own way.
because i know we can't really be friends 'til i do.
i will.
promise.
and perhaps, it will even be in a refined or genteel way.
i hope, at the very least, it will be in a way that actually reflects and honors what worthy companions and adversaries you all have been.
but for now, for now, get the fuck out of my retablo.
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
recent email to my teacher training batchmates
halloo Dears,
whew, what a whirlwind...
have some interesting stories to share with all of you.
first
i was sitting next to a rather choleric person on my flight from manila to vancouver last sunday.
this person i was sitting next to was showing mostly the shadow side of the choleric.
he was impatient with the flight attendants. nothing was fast enough. nothing was good enough. it was all too this or too that.
he would swear and complain about everything from the food to the drinks to the temperature in the cabin to the service.
i was a bit worried about this, as it is a 14 hour flight to vancouver.
when we were served our first meal of the flight, he was not happy with it.
he was very vocal about it, too.
i could feel myself getting anxious and upset.
and i remember thinking, here's another opportunity for you to work with your difficulty with the shadow of the choleric temperament.
great. (insert big sigh here.)
and then i thought, "aha, here's a perfect time to practice the freeze frame exercise."
i tried.
and tried.
and tried.
and, for the love of Jesus, i tried.
and, i couldn't get past step one.
i forgot to mention that, presently, i happen to be reading a biography of Rudolf Steiner written by Gary Lachman.
on the cover, is a stern picture of Steiner.
actually, except for the picture that Peter Patterson showed us first block, i always thought all the photos of Steiner that i had seen were so intense and stern.
i bought this book in may 2007 before i moved to the philippines. i started it then, but couldn't finish it. so much went over my head.
anyway, after 2nd block, i took it up again and really have been enjoying it.
Rudolf Steiner is such a remarkable thinker...
anyway, i don't care too much for the cover picture, and whenever i set the book down, i make sure that the cover is facing downward or away from me.
i often feel his gaze is too intense for me.
well, i was getting frustrated with myself because i was failing miserably at getting past step one of the freeze frame.
i looked up, and i realized that i must have placed the book in the seat pocket in front of me so that Rudolf Steiner was staring right at me.
and i swear, i thought for a moment he gave me a little smile.
and in that smile, he reminded me that yes, indeedy, this was an opportunity for me, once again, to work with my difficulty with the shadow side of the choleric.
and in that smile, he reminded me that this was not an accident that i happen to be sitting next to this particular person, that it was scripted by the Universe for us to meet that day, and in that way.
and in that smile, he gave me encouragement, that i could rise to the occasion.
and in that smile, he reminded me that it was rather funny, this particular predicament that i found myself in (again!) and to remember to enjoy the experience.
so, i smiled back at him, nodded, and thanked him.
and then i imagined a white light and shining it all over me, as a protection.
now, i've heard of healers using a visualization of a white light before. this is the first time that i had ever used it with myself.
i thought to myself, "kawawa itong mama nito. he seems so unhappy. and that is for him to sort out. my business here is to learn how to work with this anxiety and fear that is coming up for me. i do not give him permission to negatively affect me anymore. he cannot harm me. he will not harm me. i protect myself with this white light. and i bless him on his journey that he may find peace."
after that, his tantrums didn't affect me so much anymore.
they still did, of course, but it was bearable.
and i consider it a real sign of growth that i didn't scream at him or smack him.
second
i'm on Day 30 of the thinking exercise.
woohoo!!
will of course still keep it up, as my thinking still needs strengthening.
but, i thought i would never get here...
and here i am.
third
my Tita Lettie flew in today from Chicago for my sister's graduation.
this particular Tita and i have had an interesting and somewhat tumultuous relationship, especially when i was an adolescent.
she is so different from her husband, Tito Ben.
they had one son; we are the same age, and we were raised together.
especially when we were babies, we were raised more like siblings than cousins.
when my parents and i immigrated from the philippines, we lived with Tita Lettie, Tito Ben, and Ronnie until my parents could afford to rent their own apartment.
Tita Lettie and i, for the most part, get along very well these days, and i was talking to her about my decision to change professions.
a couple of months back i even sent her a copy of the GCI teacher training brochure.
Tito Ben died when i was in college. both he and Tita Lettie were teachers. (she just retired last year.)
Tito Ben was so patient and kind.
he was so gentle and comforting. (Tita Lettie, my father's sister, is more choleric! go figure!)
anyway, Tita Lettie informed me today that Tito Ben was, in fact, a WALDORF TEACHER.
i had no idea.
none at all.
i'm crying as i type this.
because, he really was one of my favorite uncles.
and i knew he was a teacher, and i knew he worked with special ed kids.
so, he must have specialized in the curative pedagogy.
what i did know though that i always loved being around my Tito Ben.
that i felt safe.
and seen.
we were laughing because Tita told me stories how she would be so puzzled about his lesson plans.
they didn't make sense to her. she taught in mainstream, conventional school, in the esl (english as a second language) program.
she didn't understand this morning circle and recorder playing and string pictures stuff.
when i asked her how Tito Ben became a Waldorf teacher, she told me a most interesting story.
when she first came to the states she was working part time as a montessori school teacher and part time as a phlebotamist in the hospital.
Tito Ben was still in the Philippines, but would be coming to the states shortly.
there was a German patient that was in the hospital for a week, and every morning, Tita Lettie would be the one to draw his blood. they chatted and she found out that he was a co-founder of a Waldorf school in that area. when he found out that she was a teacher, he invited her to the school, thinking perhaps that she would like to work there. she really had no interest, but mentioned that Tito Ben would be coming in a month, and perhaps he would like to teach there.
so, when Tito Ben came to the states, both he and Tita Lettie decided to go to the school for an interview. part of the interview was observation.
and Tita Lettie knew right away that she did not want to work there. and Tito Ben knew right away that he did. so, they put him through a teacher training, and he worked there ever since.
it's a remarkable story.
so, it was never that far away from me all those years growing up pala.
i just never knew.
much Love,
Karen
whew, what a whirlwind...
have some interesting stories to share with all of you.
first
i was sitting next to a rather choleric person on my flight from manila to vancouver last sunday.
this person i was sitting next to was showing mostly the shadow side of the choleric.
he was impatient with the flight attendants. nothing was fast enough. nothing was good enough. it was all too this or too that.
he would swear and complain about everything from the food to the drinks to the temperature in the cabin to the service.
i was a bit worried about this, as it is a 14 hour flight to vancouver.
when we were served our first meal of the flight, he was not happy with it.
he was very vocal about it, too.
i could feel myself getting anxious and upset.
and i remember thinking, here's another opportunity for you to work with your difficulty with the shadow of the choleric temperament.
great. (insert big sigh here.)
and then i thought, "aha, here's a perfect time to practice the freeze frame exercise."
i tried.
and tried.
and tried.
and, for the love of Jesus, i tried.
and, i couldn't get past step one.
i forgot to mention that, presently, i happen to be reading a biography of Rudolf Steiner written by Gary Lachman.
on the cover, is a stern picture of Steiner.
actually, except for the picture that Peter Patterson showed us first block, i always thought all the photos of Steiner that i had seen were so intense and stern.
i bought this book in may 2007 before i moved to the philippines. i started it then, but couldn't finish it. so much went over my head.
anyway, after 2nd block, i took it up again and really have been enjoying it.
Rudolf Steiner is such a remarkable thinker...
anyway, i don't care too much for the cover picture, and whenever i set the book down, i make sure that the cover is facing downward or away from me.
i often feel his gaze is too intense for me.
well, i was getting frustrated with myself because i was failing miserably at getting past step one of the freeze frame.
i looked up, and i realized that i must have placed the book in the seat pocket in front of me so that Rudolf Steiner was staring right at me.
and i swear, i thought for a moment he gave me a little smile.
and in that smile, he reminded me that yes, indeedy, this was an opportunity for me, once again, to work with my difficulty with the shadow side of the choleric.
and in that smile, he reminded me that this was not an accident that i happen to be sitting next to this particular person, that it was scripted by the Universe for us to meet that day, and in that way.
and in that smile, he gave me encouragement, that i could rise to the occasion.
and in that smile, he reminded me that it was rather funny, this particular predicament that i found myself in (again!) and to remember to enjoy the experience.
so, i smiled back at him, nodded, and thanked him.
and then i imagined a white light and shining it all over me, as a protection.
now, i've heard of healers using a visualization of a white light before. this is the first time that i had ever used it with myself.
i thought to myself, "kawawa itong mama nito. he seems so unhappy. and that is for him to sort out. my business here is to learn how to work with this anxiety and fear that is coming up for me. i do not give him permission to negatively affect me anymore. he cannot harm me. he will not harm me. i protect myself with this white light. and i bless him on his journey that he may find peace."
after that, his tantrums didn't affect me so much anymore.
they still did, of course, but it was bearable.
and i consider it a real sign of growth that i didn't scream at him or smack him.
second
i'm on Day 30 of the thinking exercise.
woohoo!!
will of course still keep it up, as my thinking still needs strengthening.
but, i thought i would never get here...
and here i am.
third
my Tita Lettie flew in today from Chicago for my sister's graduation.
this particular Tita and i have had an interesting and somewhat tumultuous relationship, especially when i was an adolescent.
she is so different from her husband, Tito Ben.
they had one son; we are the same age, and we were raised together.
especially when we were babies, we were raised more like siblings than cousins.
when my parents and i immigrated from the philippines, we lived with Tita Lettie, Tito Ben, and Ronnie until my parents could afford to rent their own apartment.
Tita Lettie and i, for the most part, get along very well these days, and i was talking to her about my decision to change professions.
a couple of months back i even sent her a copy of the GCI teacher training brochure.
Tito Ben died when i was in college. both he and Tita Lettie were teachers. (she just retired last year.)
Tito Ben was so patient and kind.
he was so gentle and comforting. (Tita Lettie, my father's sister, is more choleric! go figure!)
anyway, Tita Lettie informed me today that Tito Ben was, in fact, a WALDORF TEACHER.
i had no idea.
none at all.
i'm crying as i type this.
because, he really was one of my favorite uncles.
and i knew he was a teacher, and i knew he worked with special ed kids.
so, he must have specialized in the curative pedagogy.
what i did know though that i always loved being around my Tito Ben.
that i felt safe.
and seen.
we were laughing because Tita told me stories how she would be so puzzled about his lesson plans.
they didn't make sense to her. she taught in mainstream, conventional school, in the esl (english as a second language) program.
she didn't understand this morning circle and recorder playing and string pictures stuff.
when i asked her how Tito Ben became a Waldorf teacher, she told me a most interesting story.
when she first came to the states she was working part time as a montessori school teacher and part time as a phlebotamist in the hospital.
Tito Ben was still in the Philippines, but would be coming to the states shortly.
there was a German patient that was in the hospital for a week, and every morning, Tita Lettie would be the one to draw his blood. they chatted and she found out that he was a co-founder of a Waldorf school in that area. when he found out that she was a teacher, he invited her to the school, thinking perhaps that she would like to work there. she really had no interest, but mentioned that Tito Ben would be coming in a month, and perhaps he would like to teach there.
so, when Tito Ben came to the states, both he and Tita Lettie decided to go to the school for an interview. part of the interview was observation.
and Tita Lettie knew right away that she did not want to work there. and Tito Ben knew right away that he did. so, they put him through a teacher training, and he worked there ever since.
it's a remarkable story.
so, it was never that far away from me all those years growing up pala.
i just never knew.
much Love,
Karen
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
fastly
here in lost wages...
everything moves fastly.
i'm j-lagged, but not so very much.
got some homeopathic magnesite d6 from jake, my favorite anthoposophist homeopathic pharmacist, before i left.
took during the flight, and hanggang ngayon.
my mother thinks it's cocaine and is glad that i didn't get arrested for drug trafficking.
again, i think she watches too much tv.
sat next to this super choleric canadian man from manila to vancouver.
he was showing the shadow side of the choleric temperament.
apparently, i have still more work to do around this.
they keep showing up.
but not so much, meaning, it doesn't rattle me as much as it used to.
and it used to rattle me super duper much.
and it wasn't that long ago pala.
ah, growth.
my mother is so funny.
she was waiting, waiting for me to wake up this morning.
as soon as she heard me stirring, she was like, "Anak, hurry up and take a shower."
and then, in the same breath, "i know you must be jetlagged, take your time."
and then, "but, Anak, hurry up ha."
for the love of all things holy, this is so my mother.
she's gemini.
and she's a twin.
and after 34 years, i can appreciate this more and more fully.
my mother took me to eat lunch at her favorite local spot, buffet @ asia.
she is a regular there and knows all of the staff by name.
they thought i was my sister, Sammy, and were complimenting my "new" haircut.
nyek.
we were seated at a table near 3 olds.
they were jabbering on in kampampangan, and i smiled when i heard them.
instantly, i missed sta. rita.
and my friend Rowell.
i could get the gist of what they were talking about.
and, i asked my mom if she could understand them.
she shook her head "no."
i found this very interesting.
i've noticed this kind of regionalistic language barrier.
like when i am in negros or iloilo, i can understand the gist of ilonggo.
can even speak some simple phrases.
but, my tagalog friends are like, "wha?"
that's kind of a pattern for me tho.
jill (jane) of all trades, master of none.
which reminds me of a quote.
i think it was from caroline myss, said to her by her high school english teacher.
it was something like, "you must learn the rules like a master, so you can break them like an artist."
word.
in general, i don't like things moving so fastly.
but, i have to admit, this super fast internet connection is v. kewl!
everything moves fastly.
i'm j-lagged, but not so very much.
got some homeopathic magnesite d6 from jake, my favorite anthoposophist homeopathic pharmacist, before i left.
took during the flight, and hanggang ngayon.
my mother thinks it's cocaine and is glad that i didn't get arrested for drug trafficking.
again, i think she watches too much tv.
sat next to this super choleric canadian man from manila to vancouver.
he was showing the shadow side of the choleric temperament.
apparently, i have still more work to do around this.
they keep showing up.
but not so much, meaning, it doesn't rattle me as much as it used to.
and it used to rattle me super duper much.
and it wasn't that long ago pala.
ah, growth.
my mother is so funny.
she was waiting, waiting for me to wake up this morning.
as soon as she heard me stirring, she was like, "Anak, hurry up and take a shower."
and then, in the same breath, "i know you must be jetlagged, take your time."
and then, "but, Anak, hurry up ha."
for the love of all things holy, this is so my mother.
she's gemini.
and she's a twin.
and after 34 years, i can appreciate this more and more fully.
my mother took me to eat lunch at her favorite local spot, buffet @ asia.
she is a regular there and knows all of the staff by name.
they thought i was my sister, Sammy, and were complimenting my "new" haircut.
nyek.
we were seated at a table near 3 olds.
they were jabbering on in kampampangan, and i smiled when i heard them.
instantly, i missed sta. rita.
and my friend Rowell.
i could get the gist of what they were talking about.
and, i asked my mom if she could understand them.
she shook her head "no."
i found this very interesting.
i've noticed this kind of regionalistic language barrier.
like when i am in negros or iloilo, i can understand the gist of ilonggo.
can even speak some simple phrases.
but, my tagalog friends are like, "wha?"
that's kind of a pattern for me tho.
jill (jane) of all trades, master of none.
which reminds me of a quote.
i think it was from caroline myss, said to her by her high school english teacher.
it was something like, "you must learn the rules like a master, so you can break them like an artist."
word.
in general, i don't like things moving so fastly.
but, i have to admit, this super fast internet connection is v. kewl!
Sunday, March 1, 2009
gaze steady
my flight is delayed.
i'm in manila...waiting, waiting.
i'm so sleepy.
didn't get much sleep kagabi.
Rowell came over last night to watch me not pack.
we did our ritual hang out before i take off and the requisite cleaning out of my fridge and pantry.
we ate the most random things.
seaweed flavored mochi crackers.
and seaweeds.
and choconut.
and garlicky guacamole i made the day before.
and taco shells instead of chips.
at 11pm, i was craving ice cream.
so, we drove to san fernando.
and the four places we went were either closed, ran out of ice cream, or were cleaning out their soft serve machine.
nainis ko.
so, we settled on hot chocolate at gloria jean's at northwalk.
well, i got white hot chocolate.
Rowell got some strawberry smoothie monstrosity.
this good looking pinoy guy came in that looked like Kyan from Queer Eye (according to Rowell).
he was wearing this t-shirt that said "EAT ME. i'm low carb."
what else is there to do except laugh?
i am reminded that these kind of t-shirts are all over the place.
it's not unusual to see a school age kid wearing a shirt that says "porn star."
i've seen this maybe 3 or 4 times in the last 2 years.
Rowell sleptover and he left at 3:30am yata because he had to play for mass.
i kept pressing snooze until 5am.
had so much to do.
had some echoes of the night, and i woke up with three things in my head.
first was the letter that benjamin button wrote to his daughter.
"for what it's worth, it's never too late, or in my case too early, to be the person you want to be. there's no time limit. you can start whenever you want. you can change or stay the same. there are no rules to this thing. you can make the best of it or the worst of it. i hope you make the best of it. i hope you see things that startle you. i hope you feel things that you never felt before. i hope you meet people with a different point of view. i hope you live a life that you're proud of. if you find you are not, i hope you have the strength to start all over again."
second was morley singing, in that clear, strong, beautifully throaty voice of hers,
"keep your gaze steady, my love. yours are the eyes that have seen God."
third was the image of the open hand. i started talking to myself this morning, saying, "extraordinary people know that only with an open hand are we open to both giving and receiving. extraordinary people set themselves free."
ugh.
the last one is a doozy for me.
i've been moving through some difficulty with forgiveness lately.
i know that the anger doesn't serve.
that it harms.
i know that it creates separation.
yet, i cannot let it go.
i see my clenched fist.
and plead.
and try to soothe.
and cajole.
even open one finger at a time.
it's hard.
this particular flavor of liminality is so difficult for me.
it's the wall that i often bump up against.
what is it in me that wants to hold onto this hurt?
(because underneath the anger is hurty hurt.)
what is it that i'm afraid of happening if i were to let this person go?
in order for me to rightfully reclaim the piece of my Spirit that he holds for me, i must let him go.
let him go na Muki.
let him go.
yesterday, i did the freeze frame heart exercise that Niconar shared with us during the 2nd block of our teacher training.
i asked for guidance around how to let go of this difficult relationship.
as usual, i did not get any verbal answers.
instead, i was led to a brief moment of innerdance.
then the big hand pushed me down and urged me to sleep, that i would dream what i would need.
so, these are the three things that presented themselves.
after mass, Rowell came over for breakfast.
i had just about finished packing.
(all the clothes i'm bringing are dirty.
just like my old college days...)
i fried potatoes in ghee and added garlic and thyme and rosemary.
sarap.
then we had kalamansi flavored tuna melt sandwiches on wheat pan de sal.
sarap din.
then we split a lovely young orange papaya that didn't even have any seeds.
ang tamis!
super sarap.
i miss sta. rita already.
Rowell gave me a lavender sta. rita cuaresma t-shirt.
now, i own something lavender.
my plane is going to board soon, sana.
i have to go through the final security check ulit.
i think the guy inspecting all the bags is going to flirt shamelessly with me again.
(hee.)
okay lang yun.
it's fun.
he thought i was 24.
(boy howdy, he's good!)
"kailan ka babalik?" sabi niya.
"april 2, and sori po, you're too young for me," sabi ko.
(and, for once, i actually meant it...)
okay lang daw sa kanya kung mas bata siya.
"hay, kapatid," sabi ko, "hindi okay lang yun sa akin."
'sakit ang puso niya daw.
nakakatuwa.
maraming salamat, Universe!
ang bait ka, talaga.
i'm in manila...waiting, waiting.
i'm so sleepy.
didn't get much sleep kagabi.
Rowell came over last night to watch me not pack.
we did our ritual hang out before i take off and the requisite cleaning out of my fridge and pantry.
we ate the most random things.
seaweed flavored mochi crackers.
and seaweeds.
and choconut.
and garlicky guacamole i made the day before.
and taco shells instead of chips.
at 11pm, i was craving ice cream.
so, we drove to san fernando.
and the four places we went were either closed, ran out of ice cream, or were cleaning out their soft serve machine.
nainis ko.
so, we settled on hot chocolate at gloria jean's at northwalk.
well, i got white hot chocolate.
Rowell got some strawberry smoothie monstrosity.
this good looking pinoy guy came in that looked like Kyan from Queer Eye (according to Rowell).
he was wearing this t-shirt that said "EAT ME. i'm low carb."
what else is there to do except laugh?
i am reminded that these kind of t-shirts are all over the place.
it's not unusual to see a school age kid wearing a shirt that says "porn star."
i've seen this maybe 3 or 4 times in the last 2 years.
Rowell sleptover and he left at 3:30am yata because he had to play for mass.
i kept pressing snooze until 5am.
had so much to do.
had some echoes of the night, and i woke up with three things in my head.
first was the letter that benjamin button wrote to his daughter.
"for what it's worth, it's never too late, or in my case too early, to be the person you want to be. there's no time limit. you can start whenever you want. you can change or stay the same. there are no rules to this thing. you can make the best of it or the worst of it. i hope you make the best of it. i hope you see things that startle you. i hope you feel things that you never felt before. i hope you meet people with a different point of view. i hope you live a life that you're proud of. if you find you are not, i hope you have the strength to start all over again."
second was morley singing, in that clear, strong, beautifully throaty voice of hers,
"keep your gaze steady, my love. yours are the eyes that have seen God."
third was the image of the open hand. i started talking to myself this morning, saying, "extraordinary people know that only with an open hand are we open to both giving and receiving. extraordinary people set themselves free."
ugh.
the last one is a doozy for me.
i've been moving through some difficulty with forgiveness lately.
i know that the anger doesn't serve.
that it harms.
i know that it creates separation.
yet, i cannot let it go.
i see my clenched fist.
and plead.
and try to soothe.
and cajole.
even open one finger at a time.
it's hard.
this particular flavor of liminality is so difficult for me.
it's the wall that i often bump up against.
what is it in me that wants to hold onto this hurt?
(because underneath the anger is hurty hurt.)
what is it that i'm afraid of happening if i were to let this person go?
in order for me to rightfully reclaim the piece of my Spirit that he holds for me, i must let him go.
let him go na Muki.
let him go.
yesterday, i did the freeze frame heart exercise that Niconar shared with us during the 2nd block of our teacher training.
i asked for guidance around how to let go of this difficult relationship.
as usual, i did not get any verbal answers.
instead, i was led to a brief moment of innerdance.
then the big hand pushed me down and urged me to sleep, that i would dream what i would need.
so, these are the three things that presented themselves.
after mass, Rowell came over for breakfast.
i had just about finished packing.
(all the clothes i'm bringing are dirty.
just like my old college days...)
i fried potatoes in ghee and added garlic and thyme and rosemary.
sarap.
then we had kalamansi flavored tuna melt sandwiches on wheat pan de sal.
sarap din.
then we split a lovely young orange papaya that didn't even have any seeds.
ang tamis!
super sarap.
i miss sta. rita already.
Rowell gave me a lavender sta. rita cuaresma t-shirt.
now, i own something lavender.
my plane is going to board soon, sana.
i have to go through the final security check ulit.
i think the guy inspecting all the bags is going to flirt shamelessly with me again.
(hee.)
okay lang yun.
it's fun.
he thought i was 24.
(boy howdy, he's good!)
"kailan ka babalik?" sabi niya.
"april 2, and sori po, you're too young for me," sabi ko.
(and, for once, i actually meant it...)
okay lang daw sa kanya kung mas bata siya.
"hay, kapatid," sabi ko, "hindi okay lang yun sa akin."
'sakit ang puso niya daw.
nakakatuwa.
maraming salamat, Universe!
ang bait ka, talaga.
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