small spaces

happy birthday dear friend.
maybe you thought i forgot.
or didn't care.
i didn't.
i do.

34

in a few days, i will be 34.
it seems like one of those moments (or series of moments) that begs the retrospective.

part of me longs to do this.
part of me thinks it will be too painful.
part of me thinks it will take up too much time and energy.
(what is too much? it's more than i am willing to expend at the moment.)

my friend Leny said to me a couple of months ago, "my gosh, Karen, your life is so wide open."
yes, it is.
and, at times, i am perfectly fine with this.
then there are those moments that i am so anxious over this.
it's like i find myself in the old tape loop saying:
you can't do that.
you shouldn't do that.
what are you going to do for money?
what are you doing with your life?

i've been traveling with my mother and sister these last few weeks and have been playing the hapless tourist.
well, not quite hapless.
but, it's like i am playing a part in this strange balikbayan movie.
and it's a role that i certainly know how to play.
but i don't want to anymore.
it doesn't fit.
but i want to spend time with my mom and sister.

we've gone to many places.
and stayed in the finest resorts and hotels.
it's been quite decadent actually.
one day, we had breakfast in davao, lunch in cebu, and dinner in bacolod.
crazy.

i find myself wishing for my solitude again.
my little place waits for me in barangay san vicente, sta. rita.
there is no breakfast buffet, with people tripping over themselves to fuss over my teapot.
there are no white fluffy towels and valet turn-down service at night.
there is no air-con or l'occitane bath toiletries and products.

i wonder if Mang Bernardo is done making my kawayan furniture.
i wonder if the screens are installed in my windows.

and then i wonder how much longer will i be here?
if i had a dollar each time i got that question, i wouldn't have to worry about money.
it's a question i am not comfortable with.
or perhaps it is the answer that i am uncomfortable with.

i don't know.

i really don't.
i won't know until i know.

my sister graduates from nursing school in march.
my other sister will give birth in january.
i'll go back to the states in february for a visit.
and then back here again?

i think to myself, will i finally feel settled here in the philippines and then leave it all for the states?
the thought of living in the states is not appealing, at all, to me right now.
though, i have to admit, that the other morning as i watched CNN coverage of the time leading up to Barack Obama's acceptance speech at the DNC, i actually found myself missing the states. i was actually moved to tears thinking about how my peeps in the bay area must be abuzz with energy and excitement.

i wonder how the landscape will change when Obama becomes president.

i wonder also how i will live into this life i am creating.
i think i put great pressure on myself.
that my life is supposed to be big.

i am such a reluctant healer.
and i loathe to think of myself this way.
but, it's true.
the responsibility scares me.
what if i can't live up to it?

my reiki teacher, Aisa and i recently visited an orphanage for special children in cavite.
we stayed for two days.
the first day, we did a healing ritual for me.
the second day we shared reiki with the kids.

the Universe challenges me to rise above my own fear.
thankfully, She is patient with me, as i fumble and dig my heels.
i have been asked to settle myself, to fix my place how i want it, so that my vision can become clearer.
after my mother and sister leave, this will be done.
my heart beats a little faster and my breath quickens because i know i am systematically painting myself into the corner of Awakening.

my Ego is running for her life.
poor thing.

i'll turn 34 flying to boracay with my mother.
i think i'll just enjoy this decadence while it lasts.
Because it won't last!

helios, heel. heal.

the sunrise doesn't hurt as much as it once did.
what a relief.

a confession:
at my most petty, i had already added this to our list of mutual disappointments and resentments...

you fucked up the sunrise for me.
forever.

at my best, it's just a very slight pang, the lightest tug on my heartstrings.
a reminder that you were once close.
(not closed.)
that i let you in.
that you still exist.

and the sunrise is so beautiful.

despite everything, you have a place in this heart of mine, should you wish to claim it.
who am i kidding?
even if you choose not to claim it,
it's there.

confounding.
and annoying.
and true.

perhaps the ebbing of pain abides for understanding.
with it no longer causing me to close my eyes to bear it,
or have tears blur my vision,
or have it take up so much damn room...

i can find my generosity again.

it's around here somewhere.
buried deep underneath the anger,
just beneath the hurt.

reflections

i see myself in my mother.
i see myself in my sister.

they are here, visiting from the states.
we have been traveling all around.
bacolod.
cebu.
bohol.
davao.

mannerisms.
habits.
viewpoints.
idiosyncrasies.

i think i am equally surprised at how much we are alike as we are vastly different.
it's so much easier to see my rough spots when they are mirrored back to me.
catches me like velcro.
grr.

but also, i get all warm and gooey inside when i see where i get my best qualities, too.
catches me, though not like velcro.
it's like i am retraining my mind to take note of the positive as well.

appropriate relationships

from astro.com
***
Valid during several weeks:

This influence signifies a time of severe testing in your relationships with others. The demands of your work or the demands of your personal life will force you to reevaluate which relationships in your life are worth keeping and which are not. If you do not face this challenge consciously, the pressure of events will force you to do so, because people who have been with you for a long time will leave against your wishes.

There is often a strong tendency to build a wall between you and others without even realizing it. The only way you will know is that suddenly you will feel alone and out of touch with everybody. You may feel that you have no support from others, even loved ones whom you have counted on in the past for love and support. This may represent a temporary state of affairs or a passing mood. Or it may represent a serious breakdown in your relationships because of misplaced priorities in the past or because of associating with people who were wrong for you in terms of your personal goals and needs.

In the case of misplaced priorities, perhaps you have paid more attention to getting ahead in life than to giving and receiving love. Or perhaps in the past, fear of your own inadequacies or fear that you are unlovable has made you withdraw from others. Now the consequences of these problems are emerging, causing you to feel alone.

In the second case, the problem is that in terms of your direction in life, the people you associate with are a distraction or are actually opposed to your interests. In this case, no matter how much you love them, walls will form between you and them, and you will have to begin a new life without them.

With this influence several significant relationships will inevitably end. But if you have a clear idea of where you are going, this will not be a great disadvantage. Whatever remorse you feel will be quickly displaced by a new sense of freedom, because you are no longer wasting energy in trying to maintain inappropriate relationships.

The interpretation above is for your transit selected for today:
Saturn Square Ascendant, , exact at 09:48
activity period from 13 August 2008 to 29 August 2008

okay...
so this pretty much sums up what i've been working with for the last couple of months.
some significant break-ups have transpired.
lessons learned.
let go, when it is time to let go.
hold on, when it is time to hold on.
i'm learning.
i'm learning.