purpose...

i've been living on blue-green algae, caffeine, and protein bars.
hardly the breakfast of champions.
eh, but, very low carb...

i take walks everyday outside (or try to) to remind myself of what the air feels like on my cheeks.
i like to see the trees.
the cars and the noise i can do without.

i catch up on phone calls when i walk.
i even have a jawbone bluetooth thingy so i can talk 'hands-free.'

i remember the Philippines when i take these walks.
i remember walking in the rice fields.
and to the palengke.
and to the church.
and to the tiangge on Mondays.

i remember walking to Rowell's house.
and fetching water from the pump.
i remember falling asleep to crickets and the whirring fan at night.

those things really happened, i tell myself, lest i forget.

here, my to-do list never seems to diminish.
here, so many things are 'time-sensitive.'
here, the weather is crisp and cold.
here, it's harder to feel Kapwa.
here, things move a lot faster.
here, it feels harder to catch up.
here, i feel out of place, "too emotional."

here, is Home, too.

i tell myself, it will get better.
i tell myself, to just keep swimming.
i tell myself, i'm sorry it's so hard.
i tell myself, that i must be my own Witness.

i tell myself:
there is purpose to this pain.
there is purpose to this pain.
there is purpose to this pain.

another level

my heart feels heavy.
with grief.

unmet expectations really suck.
unexpected challenges do too, if you ask me.

it is one thing to know that a situation isn't impossible.
it is another to feel like it utterly is.

i remember my meta-choice.
it helps me stay on track.

i never imagined it would be so hard to stay on track.

this is another level of learning.
my Freedom is around here somewhere.

if i just let go of my psoas muscles...
if i just let this lump in my throat dissolve...
if i just trust that there is purpose to this pain...

i've been distracted and distant.
i'm getting weary.
this isn't what i expected.

okay.
okay, dear Me.

grieve it.
grieve it fully.
it was a beautiful dream.

and then, get up again.
and meet what's actually here.

some losses we don't ever get over.
we just learn how to manage our lives despite them.

i wonder if this is that kind of loss.
time will tell.