ang Mitra ko

"the work of true integration is messy business: things often
don't work out as planned, as expected, as hoped for. all we
can do is take the information we receive and fold it into our
learning journey. indeed, it is the fact that we here at the Center
are afforded this opportunity to mis-step, discover that we are
redeemable...that we are still loved, that empowers us not towards
accomplishment and acheivement driven by externally-given
instructions & values, but towards the profound transformation of
self-acceptance, self-responsibility and finally, incontravertible,
unwavering, enduring self-love."

-Rev. angel Kyodo williams


my Teacher is the shit.

Uncomfortable questions

from astro.com for saturday:

Valid during several weeks: At this time you may try to come to a rational understanding of painful episodes in your life. You may ask critical and uncomfortable questions. Were all the rejections and dismissals and the scars they left behind really necessary? Is there such a thing as meaningless suffering? By asking these questions you try to come to terms with both your own and others' pain and suffering. We all have to deal with them, because life will confront us with such problems again and again. And even if old psychological wounds cannot be healed by asking probing questions or by analysing them, it is natural and necessary that your intellect refuses to accept this. These are questions that you can only ask yourself, as others may find them unsettling and hurtful.

innerdance

have been dancing. feels so good to be in my body. to have a body. to allow her to move as she likes. as she wants. was it fe that said, "remember that it is the dance that connects us." connects us. us to each other. ang mga babaylan. connects us to the land. to Spirit.

ginhawa, come. stay. welcome.

went to a book launch earlier this week at PETA. fun, fun. dance. music. healing. there were a lot of musicians there. drums and gongs. and guitars. sang and laughed. and laughed. the circle of people kept expanding. there's always room with a circle. expands and contracts as appropriate. make it wider. there's room. one glance 'round and can feel the instant connection. can huddle in closer when needed, too. contract, when it is time. all in good time.

will meet Pi this weekend.
everything will change...again.

okay.
/|\

outlets

there has been so much happening. can hardly keep up. nothing new here. spent most of the morning calling (skypeing, actually) my favorite peeps in the states.

bittersweet there. mostly sweet.

and…
i'm reminded how much i miss them.
how much i miss seeing them.
sitting with them.
laughing with them.
eating with them.
talking with them.
hugging them.
kissing them.
holding them.
being held by them.

i'm sitting at cafe xocolat. free wifi, yummy hot chocolate. it's been my hangout spot lately.
funny, reminds of Bittersweet in Oakland.
i don’t even remember the street or the neighborhood.
Rock something. Rockwell? Rockwood? Rock something.

anyway, when i was climbing into the jeep this morning, i thought, i could just pack up and go back to the states. i really could. it would be easy. buy the ticket with a credit card. pack up and bid farewell to the Philippines.

a few seconds later...
i realize that no, no sweet self.
not yet.
there is more for you to do here.
it's just getting interesting.

um.
it's been interesting.
wait, by interesting, do you mean…
crazy?
unsettling?
disturbing?
fast?
noisy?
erratic?
challenging?
unexpected?
heartbreaking?

yes.

and joyful.
and ecstatic.
and adventurous.
and fun.
and funny.
and rich.
and edgy.
and stretchy.

and, well, everything that i need…
to Awaken.

i've found myself in all sorts of situations.
the fake it 'til you make it kind.
no stranger to this.
ebb and flow.
very Pinoy.
taking cues from my environment.

will be moving to Pampanga soon.
i’ll be a director of a clinic.
it’s more than a clinic, actually.

it’s another Center.

physical therapy for the children who have cerebral palsy from the toxic waste left by the American military that poisoned the soil, the land, the water.
the disabled will walk!

livelihood projects for their parents. will be learning to bead and make jewelry along with the mothers. while their kids get stretched and pulled and strengthened, we will be beading. lariats, bracelets, necklaces, bag charms. beads, beads.
the disempowered will empower themselves towards sustainability!

health education lectures to the community. on breastfeeding. on natural medicine. on home remedies. on hygiene. on nutrition.
the community will heal!

cataract screenings for the community as well. will help them get connected with an opthalmic surgeon who can provide this surgery for the cost of the medications. 3000 pesos, rather than 30,000 pesos.
the blind will see!

i’ll be doing all of this.
it’s a lot.
no wonder i’m freaking out.

the renovations for the clinic are underway. a lot of my energies have been invested there. meeting with the carpenter. drawing out plans. listing down materials. costing them out. buying them. hustling for money.

feels familiar.
making something out of nothing.

the other day, i woke up realizing that i need to decide where the electrical outlets go. i’ve never had to decide where electrical outlets have to go before.
i’ve always just worked with what was there.
or let someone else make the decision.
wouldn’t someone else be better qualified to make such decisions?
i'm "just a nurse."

nope.
it’s me.
feels weird.
and, it is part of my evolution, my revolution, my path.

i am creating my life.
sometimes i don’t get to decide where the outlets go.
i know that i can work with whatever is there.
sometimes, i do get to decide.
and that, for me, is scarier.

what if fuck up?
gasp.

then, i fuck up.
and i have to work with what’s there.
(remember? you know how to do that…)
then, i learn…for the next time.
because, there will be a next time.

this is just the beginning.
practice.
Practice.

Neneng

Tita Hannah asked me this morning, "Neng, if you weren't a nurse, what would you be?" Sabi ko, "i'd be an artist, Tita." Sabi niya, "why aren't you doing art,then?"

good question.

sexy fruit

have been eating a lot of fruit lately. sexy fruit actually. like mangosteen. there's something about the color of the inside "shell." this shockingly bright magenta. it mesmorizes me, and i'm grateful to see it everytime. my eyes are immediately drawn in deep. such a contrast to the dull dusty purple outside. i don't mind that it stains my hands sometimes. often.

i love the soft crunch sound that i feel when i crack the mangosteen open. it just takes a slight twist of the wrist and it's like a whole world is yielded to me.

amidst all of that pink-magenta, the round sections of bright white are nestled, a perfect fit. my favorites are the little sections with no seeds. i pop them into my mouth, let my tongue feel their smoothness, and delight at the sweet and earthy tang of their juice.

guayobano is another one. bought one three days ago. it's been ripening on the counter. hard, dull green transformed to a soft and accomodating greenish charcoal. insides are also white, though creamy white.

i pull of sections of it very easily off the skin. milky colored juice runs down the inside of my forearm. tangy sweetness again, though this time with a brightness that tastes faintly of green apples.

i love the bright black shiny seeds encapsulated in that fibrous flesh. they are so pretty and smooth. i line them up like lovers.

christ year

turned 33 the other day. so far, so good. feeling more settled, in a way. meaning to say...well, i don't know really what i'm meaning to say. but i am feeling more comfortable with uncertainty. self doubt demons are taking a nap. (cue: lullaby music here!)

in the last two weeks, i must have met something like 15 remarkable people. strange and then again not really.
people on their paths. parallel and different. good to look up and see others doing their work. grateful for the times that our paths intersect, criss, cross, then criss again.

have been at a crossroads around what to do next in terms of livelihood and service. it's starting to come into sharper and sharper focus.

well, parts are anyway.
more on this later...