choice

whoa. am fascinated at how scared i am of choice. i'm here again. i wish i could cradle myself. what is it about being totally responsible for my own life that scares and thrills and haunts me?

i think that mine is a good life.
i know that mine is a good life.
am grateful for the choices that i have. that i make.

an ancient fear, one that doesn't belong to me, seizes and squeezes my core.
please. stop doing that. it hurts.
i know you exist. i can't breathe when you tug so hard. i can't rest.

who are you?

why are you here?
what do you have to tell me?
what do you want to tell me?
i don't want to hate you.
i don't hate you.

this won't last, i know.

i remember some things.

there is no wrong answer.
when i fall, i get up again.
breathe, my love.
you can do this.
you're doing this.
you are loved.
you are love.

i have momentary amnesia of these same things.
then, i re-member again.
okay.
exhale.
okay.

i just remembered another thing.
i feel this way before my life changes.
again.
and again.
and again.
and...

wait.
yes.
i re-member this feeling.
it's the speed that scares me.
it's not even the direction.
it's the speed.
Universe, i know better than to question too much.
and there must be a reason for going so fast...
and, i realize that i don't really know what fast or slow means anymore.
or even comfort or discomfort.

just familiar and unfamiliar.
so often, i am in these unfamiliar places trying to cope with familiar techniques.
hmmm.
is that it, then?