am noticing how i can jump to conclusions so easily. how important tone is and visual cues. how much i rely on reading body language, energy.
have been conducting a lot of business via texting. sometimes, it’s hard for me because my biases and neuroses can (and often do) color the way i read something. there’s a lot for me to look at there. (leaning in, Mitra!)
is so and so mad? annoyed? how mad? how annoyed? for what? because of that one thing? that one that one time? or that other thing that other time?
ugh. round and and round, an exercise in futility.
‘til i say, wait.
stop.
be still.
exhale.
where is this coming from?
read the text again.
what does it actually say?
what did i think it said?
what do i think it says now?
what does it actually say?
am also noticing my process. this is an old, old hurty. and she is healing. from the inside out. takes time. and willingness. and patience. and humility. and time.
then, there’s the whole texting etiquette to master. when to reply. when not to reply. when to ignore. once in a while, i get random texts. last night’s, “lyk u daw kamote? na dahon?” (ignore.)
Jim sent me a package of documents from the states. i had him send it to the TOS office, since i’ve been between addresses. the dhl delivery guy and i exchanged umpteen texts regarding directions and delivery instructions because i wasn’t going to be there. after he delivered the package to the office, he texted back, introducing himself. “ako po si noli. pwede tayo maging friends?” (ignore. though, have to admit was intrigued.)
then there’s also texting language.
chocol8 = chocolate
cge = sige
tau = tayo
gud am = good morning
those are easy ones. tagalog text language. naku. palagi, nalilito ako. sometimes, even when i show native tagalog speakers some of these texts, they can’t even decipher them. then, i don’t feel so bad.
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
Friday, September 21, 2007
Vas
"tell me something i don't know about you," sabi niya.
outside: super tahimik ako. my mind goes blank.
inside: darling friend, what about me don't you know?
that was hours ago, and i still have nothing...
outside: super tahimik ako. my mind goes blank.
inside: darling friend, what about me don't you know?
that was hours ago, and i still have nothing...
on jeeps
some are old. some have little holes the size of mongo beans in the floor. can watch the asphalt as we speed along. the sun shines through them, too. some have fancy "pleather" upolstored headliners and cushy seats. it seems that lots of marikina ones have these crazy stereo systems that blast, even at 7am. we are jammed inside. the passengers. kids. old. young. couples. families. touching. sometimes, one butt cheek on. one off.
power ballads. OPM. evanescence, the other day..."bring me to life." the music so loud it vibrates the fillings in my molars, eardrums feel like they are getting stabbed by hot pins. chest pounds with the base. ace of base, in fact this morning..."don't turn around..." (like you could!)
can't even yell "para po!" to stop. have to pull the string that lights up the light. then the driver jerks the jeep to the right. bodies flying. collect my thoughts. collect my bags. stumble out. the jeep starts moving away, as my foot alights. yay. another ride survived. i smile, grateful. bodies always close by. this helps soothe my crave for touch, i think.
when it rains, the driver askes the passengers to help unfurl the plastic to cover the open windows. it flaps in the wind. and paminsan, sprays of raindrops find their way inside. the plastic also traps the smell of exhaust inside the jeep, so i am grateful for the flapping and the occasional spray. never ceases to appall me to blow my nose at the end of the day. the tissue shows black.
the noise gets to me. music is fine, as long as i can sing along most of the time. but often there is this canned laughter and the annoying radio personalities telling crass jokes. it would be fine if they weren't so LOUD. actually, no, they are pretty annoying. it's this laugh track that they play that gets me. like a munchkin on acid, after sucking down some helium.
perfecting the art of the jeepney slouch-it's a way of positioning myself so i can see out the windows to see where we are going. the windows are small. and low. the jeep is packed. the music is loud. we go very fast. landmarks whiz by. street signs unreadable. it's an adventure everytime.
and it's fun.
even when it isn't.
power ballads. OPM. evanescence, the other day..."bring me to life." the music so loud it vibrates the fillings in my molars, eardrums feel like they are getting stabbed by hot pins. chest pounds with the base. ace of base, in fact this morning..."don't turn around..." (like you could!)
can't even yell "para po!" to stop. have to pull the string that lights up the light. then the driver jerks the jeep to the right. bodies flying. collect my thoughts. collect my bags. stumble out. the jeep starts moving away, as my foot alights. yay. another ride survived. i smile, grateful. bodies always close by. this helps soothe my crave for touch, i think.
when it rains, the driver askes the passengers to help unfurl the plastic to cover the open windows. it flaps in the wind. and paminsan, sprays of raindrops find their way inside. the plastic also traps the smell of exhaust inside the jeep, so i am grateful for the flapping and the occasional spray. never ceases to appall me to blow my nose at the end of the day. the tissue shows black.
the noise gets to me. music is fine, as long as i can sing along most of the time. but often there is this canned laughter and the annoying radio personalities telling crass jokes. it would be fine if they weren't so LOUD. actually, no, they are pretty annoying. it's this laugh track that they play that gets me. like a munchkin on acid, after sucking down some helium.
perfecting the art of the jeepney slouch-it's a way of positioning myself so i can see out the windows to see where we are going. the windows are small. and low. the jeep is packed. the music is loud. we go very fast. landmarks whiz by. street signs unreadable. it's an adventure everytime.
and it's fun.
even when it isn't.
Kapwa
so, i'm reading this book, "Kapwa: The Self in the Other," written by Katrin de Guia.
so affirming.
thanks Universe.
have not met Katrin...yet.
looking forward to that day.
underlining like crazy. (shocking, i know)
reminds me of when i read Leny's "Coming Full Circle."
how to describe this feeling?
it's like a knowing...affirmed. confirmed. re-membered.
no separation.
from pg. 176
"one metaphor often used to describe the Filipino is the onion: so many layers of cultural influences, one over the other. what the metaphor does not tell is that the center of the onion hides the bulb's propensity for growth. those who peel the onion, as the metaphor wants us to do, hardly ever reach the innermost core becaue the peeler cannot take all the crying it entails."
bearing discomfort. cultivating the propensity, the capacity to bear discomfort. this is warriorship. willingness to shed the mask. be. not act. show my soft parts. the parts i don't normally show. vulnerablity. tears. emotion. if i feel it, i say it. or text it, as the case may be. i have no time to waste. every precious moment counts. every word counts. every effort to connect counts. Mitra said, as i took my leave, " whatever stands between you and your Awakening, lean into it." that means actually sometimes (often actually) seeking discomfort out. of course appropriately, and not indulging in martyrdom. it's good to be alive. it's good to be living. jyesss.
from pg. 209
"the thing about a calling is that it has a lot to do with discovering one's purpose in life, finding that exceptional task that matches one's talents and then mustering the courage to pursue it. however, callings do not usually grow by the roadside like pretty flowers, ready to be picked. the price for this kind of knowing, often painful, is the cost of transformation. the stumbling stones in life have possibly more to do with our mission. things that jolt us from the straight road of habit and spin us unto an entirely new directions where the mind screams, "No!" but deep down inside this new direction feels right! mastering the pain and the confusion that accompany change provides us with a new strength that makes us feel that we can do anything. and suddenly we have a new sense of direction. we know why we are here and where we are going."
my mind has often screamed out, "No!" not as much as she used to, though. allowing myself to be led further and further down the rabbit hole. developing a new sense of direction. figuring out why i am here. finding where i am going. it's a process.
i live in marikina presently.
on kapwa street, in fact.
lot 21.
block 9.
at the end of my block is dragon street.
the dragon is my Teacher's totem animal.
will take a picture of that corner signpost.
it is a reminder of how i am loved.
how i am held.
how i love.
how i hold.
good stuff.
so affirming.
thanks Universe.
have not met Katrin...yet.
looking forward to that day.
underlining like crazy. (shocking, i know)
reminds me of when i read Leny's "Coming Full Circle."
how to describe this feeling?
it's like a knowing...affirmed. confirmed. re-membered.
no separation.
from pg. 176
"one metaphor often used to describe the Filipino is the onion: so many layers of cultural influences, one over the other. what the metaphor does not tell is that the center of the onion hides the bulb's propensity for growth. those who peel the onion, as the metaphor wants us to do, hardly ever reach the innermost core becaue the peeler cannot take all the crying it entails."
bearing discomfort. cultivating the propensity, the capacity to bear discomfort. this is warriorship. willingness to shed the mask. be. not act. show my soft parts. the parts i don't normally show. vulnerablity. tears. emotion. if i feel it, i say it. or text it, as the case may be. i have no time to waste. every precious moment counts. every word counts. every effort to connect counts. Mitra said, as i took my leave, " whatever stands between you and your Awakening, lean into it." that means actually sometimes (often actually) seeking discomfort out. of course appropriately, and not indulging in martyrdom. it's good to be alive. it's good to be living. jyesss.
from pg. 209
"the thing about a calling is that it has a lot to do with discovering one's purpose in life, finding that exceptional task that matches one's talents and then mustering the courage to pursue it. however, callings do not usually grow by the roadside like pretty flowers, ready to be picked. the price for this kind of knowing, often painful, is the cost of transformation. the stumbling stones in life have possibly more to do with our mission. things that jolt us from the straight road of habit and spin us unto an entirely new directions where the mind screams, "No!" but deep down inside this new direction feels right! mastering the pain and the confusion that accompany change provides us with a new strength that makes us feel that we can do anything. and suddenly we have a new sense of direction. we know why we are here and where we are going."
my mind has often screamed out, "No!" not as much as she used to, though. allowing myself to be led further and further down the rabbit hole. developing a new sense of direction. figuring out why i am here. finding where i am going. it's a process.
i live in marikina presently.
on kapwa street, in fact.
lot 21.
block 9.
at the end of my block is dragon street.
the dragon is my Teacher's totem animal.
will take a picture of that corner signpost.
it is a reminder of how i am loved.
how i am held.
how i love.
how i hold.
good stuff.
ang Mitra ko
"the work of true integration is messy business: things often
don't work out as planned, as expected, as hoped for. all we
can do is take the information we receive and fold it into our
learning journey. indeed, it is the fact that we here at the Center
are afforded this opportunity to mis-step, discover that we are
redeemable...that we are still loved, that empowers us not towards
accomplishment and acheivement driven by externally-given
instructions & values, but towards the profound transformation of
self-acceptance, self-responsibility and finally, incontravertible,
unwavering, enduring self-love."
-Rev. angel Kyodo williams
my Teacher is the shit.
don't work out as planned, as expected, as hoped for. all we
can do is take the information we receive and fold it into our
learning journey. indeed, it is the fact that we here at the Center
are afforded this opportunity to mis-step, discover that we are
redeemable...that we are still loved, that empowers us not towards
accomplishment and acheivement driven by externally-given
instructions & values, but towards the profound transformation of
self-acceptance, self-responsibility and finally, incontravertible,
unwavering, enduring self-love."
-Rev. angel Kyodo williams
my Teacher is the shit.
Thursday, September 20, 2007
Uncomfortable questions
from astro.com for saturday:
Valid during several weeks: At this time you may try to come to a rational understanding of painful episodes in your life. You may ask critical and uncomfortable questions. Were all the rejections and dismissals and the scars they left behind really necessary? Is there such a thing as meaningless suffering? By asking these questions you try to come to terms with both your own and others' pain and suffering. We all have to deal with them, because life will confront us with such problems again and again. And even if old psychological wounds cannot be healed by asking probing questions or by analysing them, it is natural and necessary that your intellect refuses to accept this. These are questions that you can only ask yourself, as others may find them unsettling and hurtful.
Valid during several weeks: At this time you may try to come to a rational understanding of painful episodes in your life. You may ask critical and uncomfortable questions. Were all the rejections and dismissals and the scars they left behind really necessary? Is there such a thing as meaningless suffering? By asking these questions you try to come to terms with both your own and others' pain and suffering. We all have to deal with them, because life will confront us with such problems again and again. And even if old psychological wounds cannot be healed by asking probing questions or by analysing them, it is natural and necessary that your intellect refuses to accept this. These are questions that you can only ask yourself, as others may find them unsettling and hurtful.
innerdance
have been dancing. feels so good to be in my body. to have a body. to allow her to move as she likes. as she wants. was it fe that said, "remember that it is the dance that connects us." connects us. us to each other. ang mga babaylan. connects us to the land. to Spirit.
ginhawa, come. stay. welcome.
went to a book launch earlier this week at PETA. fun, fun. dance. music. healing. there were a lot of musicians there. drums and gongs. and guitars. sang and laughed. and laughed. the circle of people kept expanding. there's always room with a circle. expands and contracts as appropriate. make it wider. there's room. one glance 'round and can feel the instant connection. can huddle in closer when needed, too. contract, when it is time. all in good time.
will meet Pi this weekend.
everything will change...again.
okay.
/|\
ginhawa, come. stay. welcome.
went to a book launch earlier this week at PETA. fun, fun. dance. music. healing. there were a lot of musicians there. drums and gongs. and guitars. sang and laughed. and laughed. the circle of people kept expanding. there's always room with a circle. expands and contracts as appropriate. make it wider. there's room. one glance 'round and can feel the instant connection. can huddle in closer when needed, too. contract, when it is time. all in good time.
will meet Pi this weekend.
everything will change...again.
okay.
/|\
Friday, September 14, 2007
outlets
there has been so much happening. can hardly keep up. nothing new here. spent most of the morning calling (skypeing, actually) my favorite peeps in the states.
bittersweet there. mostly sweet.
and…
i'm reminded how much i miss them.
how much i miss seeing them.
sitting with them.
laughing with them.
eating with them.
talking with them.
hugging them.
kissing them.
holding them.
being held by them.
i'm sitting at cafe xocolat. free wifi, yummy hot chocolate. it's been my hangout spot lately.
funny, reminds of Bittersweet in Oakland.
i don’t even remember the street or the neighborhood.
Rock something. Rockwell? Rockwood? Rock something.
anyway, when i was climbing into the jeep this morning, i thought, i could just pack up and go back to the states. i really could. it would be easy. buy the ticket with a credit card. pack up and bid farewell to the Philippines.
a few seconds later...
i realize that no, no sweet self.
not yet.
there is more for you to do here.
it's just getting interesting.
um.
it's been interesting.
wait, by interesting, do you mean…
crazy?
unsettling?
disturbing?
fast?
noisy?
erratic?
challenging?
unexpected?
heartbreaking?
yes.
and joyful.
and ecstatic.
and adventurous.
and fun.
and funny.
and rich.
and edgy.
and stretchy.
and, well, everything that i need…
to Awaken.
i've found myself in all sorts of situations.
the fake it 'til you make it kind.
no stranger to this.
ebb and flow.
very Pinoy.
taking cues from my environment.
will be moving to Pampanga soon.
i’ll be a director of a clinic.
it’s more than a clinic, actually.
it’s another Center.
physical therapy for the children who have cerebral palsy from the toxic waste left by the American military that poisoned the soil, the land, the water.
the disabled will walk!
livelihood projects for their parents. will be learning to bead and make jewelry along with the mothers. while their kids get stretched and pulled and strengthened, we will be beading. lariats, bracelets, necklaces, bag charms. beads, beads.
the disempowered will empower themselves towards sustainability!
health education lectures to the community. on breastfeeding. on natural medicine. on home remedies. on hygiene. on nutrition.
the community will heal!
cataract screenings for the community as well. will help them get connected with an opthalmic surgeon who can provide this surgery for the cost of the medications. 3000 pesos, rather than 30,000 pesos.
the blind will see!
i’ll be doing all of this.
it’s a lot.
no wonder i’m freaking out.
the renovations for the clinic are underway. a lot of my energies have been invested there. meeting with the carpenter. drawing out plans. listing down materials. costing them out. buying them. hustling for money.
feels familiar.
making something out of nothing.
the other day, i woke up realizing that i need to decide where the electrical outlets go. i’ve never had to decide where electrical outlets have to go before.
i’ve always just worked with what was there.
or let someone else make the decision.
wouldn’t someone else be better qualified to make such decisions?
i'm "just a nurse."
nope.
it’s me.
feels weird.
and, it is part of my evolution, my revolution, my path.
i am creating my life.
sometimes i don’t get to decide where the outlets go.
i know that i can work with whatever is there.
sometimes, i do get to decide.
and that, for me, is scarier.
what if fuck up?
gasp.
then, i fuck up.
and i have to work with what’s there.
(remember? you know how to do that…)
then, i learn…for the next time.
because, there will be a next time.
this is just the beginning.
practice.
Practice.
bittersweet there. mostly sweet.
and…
i'm reminded how much i miss them.
how much i miss seeing them.
sitting with them.
laughing with them.
eating with them.
talking with them.
hugging them.
kissing them.
holding them.
being held by them.
i'm sitting at cafe xocolat. free wifi, yummy hot chocolate. it's been my hangout spot lately.
funny, reminds of Bittersweet in Oakland.
i don’t even remember the street or the neighborhood.
Rock something. Rockwell? Rockwood? Rock something.
anyway, when i was climbing into the jeep this morning, i thought, i could just pack up and go back to the states. i really could. it would be easy. buy the ticket with a credit card. pack up and bid farewell to the Philippines.
a few seconds later...
i realize that no, no sweet self.
not yet.
there is more for you to do here.
it's just getting interesting.
um.
it's been interesting.
wait, by interesting, do you mean…
crazy?
unsettling?
disturbing?
fast?
noisy?
erratic?
challenging?
unexpected?
heartbreaking?
yes.
and joyful.
and ecstatic.
and adventurous.
and fun.
and funny.
and rich.
and edgy.
and stretchy.
and, well, everything that i need…
to Awaken.
i've found myself in all sorts of situations.
the fake it 'til you make it kind.
no stranger to this.
ebb and flow.
very Pinoy.
taking cues from my environment.
will be moving to Pampanga soon.
i’ll be a director of a clinic.
it’s more than a clinic, actually.
it’s another Center.
physical therapy for the children who have cerebral palsy from the toxic waste left by the American military that poisoned the soil, the land, the water.
the disabled will walk!
livelihood projects for their parents. will be learning to bead and make jewelry along with the mothers. while their kids get stretched and pulled and strengthened, we will be beading. lariats, bracelets, necklaces, bag charms. beads, beads.
the disempowered will empower themselves towards sustainability!
health education lectures to the community. on breastfeeding. on natural medicine. on home remedies. on hygiene. on nutrition.
the community will heal!
cataract screenings for the community as well. will help them get connected with an opthalmic surgeon who can provide this surgery for the cost of the medications. 3000 pesos, rather than 30,000 pesos.
the blind will see!
i’ll be doing all of this.
it’s a lot.
no wonder i’m freaking out.
the renovations for the clinic are underway. a lot of my energies have been invested there. meeting with the carpenter. drawing out plans. listing down materials. costing them out. buying them. hustling for money.
feels familiar.
making something out of nothing.
the other day, i woke up realizing that i need to decide where the electrical outlets go. i’ve never had to decide where electrical outlets have to go before.
i’ve always just worked with what was there.
or let someone else make the decision.
wouldn’t someone else be better qualified to make such decisions?
i'm "just a nurse."
nope.
it’s me.
feels weird.
and, it is part of my evolution, my revolution, my path.
i am creating my life.
sometimes i don’t get to decide where the outlets go.
i know that i can work with whatever is there.
sometimes, i do get to decide.
and that, for me, is scarier.
what if fuck up?
gasp.
then, i fuck up.
and i have to work with what’s there.
(remember? you know how to do that…)
then, i learn…for the next time.
because, there will be a next time.
this is just the beginning.
practice.
Practice.
Thursday, September 6, 2007
Neneng
Tita Hannah asked me this morning, "Neng, if you weren't a nurse, what would you be?" Sabi ko, "i'd be an artist, Tita." Sabi niya, "why aren't you doing art,then?"
good question.
good question.
sexy fruit
have been eating a lot of fruit lately. sexy fruit actually. like mangosteen. there's something about the color of the inside "shell." this shockingly bright magenta. it mesmorizes me, and i'm grateful to see it everytime. my eyes are immediately drawn in deep. such a contrast to the dull dusty purple outside. i don't mind that it stains my hands sometimes. often.
i love the soft crunch sound that i feel when i crack the mangosteen open. it just takes a slight twist of the wrist and it's like a whole world is yielded to me.
amidst all of that pink-magenta, the round sections of bright white are nestled, a perfect fit. my favorites are the little sections with no seeds. i pop them into my mouth, let my tongue feel their smoothness, and delight at the sweet and earthy tang of their juice.
guayobano is another one. bought one three days ago. it's been ripening on the counter. hard, dull green transformed to a soft and accomodating greenish charcoal. insides are also white, though creamy white.
i pull of sections of it very easily off the skin. milky colored juice runs down the inside of my forearm. tangy sweetness again, though this time with a brightness that tastes faintly of green apples.
i love the bright black shiny seeds encapsulated in that fibrous flesh. they are so pretty and smooth. i line them up like lovers.
i love the soft crunch sound that i feel when i crack the mangosteen open. it just takes a slight twist of the wrist and it's like a whole world is yielded to me.
amidst all of that pink-magenta, the round sections of bright white are nestled, a perfect fit. my favorites are the little sections with no seeds. i pop them into my mouth, let my tongue feel their smoothness, and delight at the sweet and earthy tang of their juice.
guayobano is another one. bought one three days ago. it's been ripening on the counter. hard, dull green transformed to a soft and accomodating greenish charcoal. insides are also white, though creamy white.
i pull of sections of it very easily off the skin. milky colored juice runs down the inside of my forearm. tangy sweetness again, though this time with a brightness that tastes faintly of green apples.
i love the bright black shiny seeds encapsulated in that fibrous flesh. they are so pretty and smooth. i line them up like lovers.
Wednesday, September 5, 2007
christ year
turned 33 the other day. so far, so good. feeling more settled, in a way. meaning to say...well, i don't know really what i'm meaning to say. but i am feeling more comfortable with uncertainty. self doubt demons are taking a nap. (cue: lullaby music here!)
in the last two weeks, i must have met something like 15 remarkable people. strange and then again not really.
people on their paths. parallel and different. good to look up and see others doing their work. grateful for the times that our paths intersect, criss, cross, then criss again.
have been at a crossroads around what to do next in terms of livelihood and service. it's starting to come into sharper and sharper focus.
well, parts are anyway.
more on this later...
in the last two weeks, i must have met something like 15 remarkable people. strange and then again not really.
people on their paths. parallel and different. good to look up and see others doing their work. grateful for the times that our paths intersect, criss, cross, then criss again.
have been at a crossroads around what to do next in terms of livelihood and service. it's starting to come into sharper and sharper focus.
well, parts are anyway.
more on this later...
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