pasko

mom: bakit? ayaw mo magpasko dito?

me: no, mom, it’s not that. of course not. ano ba?

mom: dapat, magpasko ka dito, sabi ng daddy mo.

me: mom, if you are giving me a ticket there, i’d rather come for cami’s wedding.

mom: matagal pa yun. bakit? ayaw mo magpasko dito? we’re so worried about you. sino ang kasama dyan? saan ka magstay?

me: i’m here in pampanga. mag-isa lang ako. mom, if you are wondering how i am, all you have to ask me. i’ll tell you.

mom: ayaw mo bang magpasko dito?


this is the abridged version.

mercifully, our phone conversation was cut short because, well, i don’t know why really. her phone card ran out yata. i was going to bed. she was just starting her day.

of course i want to go back to the states.
this past week, i’ve been feeling:

miserable.
lonely.
alone.
unsure
unloved.
broke.
broken.
impatient.
scared.
isolative.
isolating.
alienated.
alien.
angry.
hateful.
spiteful.
violent.
petty.
small.
scared.
scared.
scarred.
and
scared.

am i an idiot for turning down a plane ticket back?

at first, i ended up saying no to her right away. then, she kept asking and asking. ultimately, i said, “i’ll just let you know, okay?”

then the phone went silent. call dropped.

so, here i am. sitting with it.

it feels too early to go back.
i’m afraid that if i go back now, i won’t come back here.
i’m afraid that if i go back now, i’ll be setting my journey back significantly.

and, there’s this part of me that aches to go back.
not necessarily because i miss the states.
of course, i miss my peeps there.
it’s just that i miss familiarity.
familiarity connotes safety, however flawed.

i miss feeling safe.
when was the last time i felt that?

ever since i started on my spiritual path, my ego has been a little nervous.
makes sense naman. she is running for her life.

the following morning, i realized that i said “no” automatically. i hadn’t even considered the question. (just how often do i do this?!?) maybe because it came from my mother. and often, i hear demands, instead of questions. so, i mute my ears. and close my heart. it bothered me that she didn’t call back after the call dropped.

i texted my dad.

me: duds, can you or mom call me here? i want to talk about Christmas.

duds: hello Karen, mom will call you today. love, Dad.


five minutes later…


duds: i want you to come home. i miss you so much.

naku. it always catches me off guard when he expresses his feelings with me. kasi, it’s so rare,eh. i can count the number of times on my two hands. and lately, it’s been thru unexpected texts.

then, i realized, i wanted to see him. to hug him. to heal together, in person. touching. to talk with him. to try to talk with him. it's about relationship, being in relationship. also learning how to be close and how to be far and how to be close when far.

me: i know duds. i miss you, too. i think i can go there for Christmas, and then i need to come back here. how does that sound?

duds: ok. what’s left for you to do in the PI? Please send email today.

me: it’s night here, duds. i’ll email bukas. there is still so much for me to learn here AND my heart aches to be away from you. there is purpose to this pain.