diwali

i celebrate the darkness and the light.
or at least i try my very best to.
some days i'm serene.
others i'm a complete failure, aggressive and unsure.
most days, i'm in between.
lately, i've been numb, afraid to feel.
but, i woke up this morning, and you were there.
present in my thoughts.
and in my heart.
i was surprised to see you again.
i thought i had closed the door.
only because you did first.
i'm here in negros, in the house of my lola.
she is dying of cancer of the blood.
though she is living mostly.
dying very little.
i try and appreciate this.
i'm surrounded by sharks here.
and i remember the soft place we used to share, that we used to make together.
did i imagine it?
was it really that soft, that safe?
was it co-created?
or just my own fantasy?
parts real.
parts fancy.
i long for that soft place, real or not.
i haven't been able to make it with others.
i've tried.
i've tried to make it on my own.
it suffices, but it is not the same.

happy diwali.
remember you are loved.
i'll try to remember, too.