Pips

it’s 2:29am, and i was awoken by lightning. or some kind of flashes of light.
some outside of my window. some in my bedroom. some in the sala.

i don’t know what they were.
if they were in my dream.
or if they were ‘real.’
curiously, i’m not feeling scared.
or even really wanting to know what they heck they were.
anyway, i’m awake.
and, i’m following the impulse to write this.

it’s the 5th straight day of rain.
i’m a little stir crazy.
i’ve gone out just once to fetch water and go to the palengke.
otherwise, i’ve been home.
cleaning.
spending too much time on facebook.
mentally packing for my trip on tuesday.
watching movies on my laptop.
reading.
writing.
cooking.
i made sopas yesterday.
i used the bones from the lechon manok i bought the night i came home from baguio to make chicken stock.
i bought carrot, celery, onions, and garlic from the palengke the other day.
i had evaporated milk and macaroni in the pantry.
and just for kicks, i added a beaten egg to the whole thing.
yum.
it’s perfect soup weather.
and pan-toasted pan de sal.

i made pancakes, too.
there’s this chain of stores here called ‘healthy options.’
there’s only like 7 of them in the whole country. 2 are in Pampanga.
it has all of these organic products from the states.
soymilks, nutmilks, paul newman stuff, red mill stuff, kettle chips, dagoba chocolate, real maple syrup, Jason beauty products, couscous, homeopathic remedies, etc.
it’s pretty expensive, even by US standards, and i am grateful that there exists such a place; i gladly plunk down my money when i need a fix.
i bought this 12 wholegrain extra chu-chu fiber pancake mix some months ago.
it’s almost gone na.
and i made 3 pancakes for dinner last night.
i have enough mix i think for 3 or 4 more pancakes.


for morning merienda, i cut up an apple.
and ate it with peanut butter.
and not Ludy’s or Lily’s. too much sugar.
i had this peanut butter i got at rizal dairy when i went to visit Jodie that one time.
no sugar. just peanuts.
it’s fairly thick because i keep in the ref.

all my spoons and forks and knives i use here are made of bamboo.
some were given to me by Simha before i left. some i bought when i was in Japantown last year during one of the many visits i made to the states.
i remember the surprise when one morning, this peanut butter snapped one of the knives.
i was so sad and i remember thing, “o, sayang yung $2 ko.”
so, i know to use the sturdy bamboo knife with this peanut butter.

i haven’t spent this much time at home here for a long while.
even when i am home, i go to san fernando or angeles for something or another.
usually to my favorite yogurt place. (they also have free HIGH SPEED wi-fi.)
and i get to drive on the megadike road to get there, which is my favorite road to drive.
or i go to sm.
or northwalk.
basta, i get in my car, Pipsy, and we drive.

i haven’t been able to do this since i got back from Baguio.
i haven’t been able to do this because…
Sherwin wrecked Pipsy.
that’s why i was so upset the other day.

why i was:
angry
rageful
okay
accepting
tearful
sad
homicidal
fine
numb
worried
nauseated
ek
ek.

Sherwin is my neighbor.
he is the son of my landlady.
when i’m gone, he watches Pipsy for me.
and, i’m gone a lot.
Rowell says when i am gone, he sees Pipsy all around Sta. Rita.
that was fine.

but, the day that i decided to reluctantly descend from Baguio, i had the unfortunate experience of being called by Sherwin at 5am, telling me that he had gotten into an “accident” with Pipsy. i asked him if he was injured. he was fine daw. i asked him if anyone else was injured. he said no one else was involved. i couldn’t take in any more information than that. he said he was waiting for the tow truck. i sighed heavily; then told him we would talk about it when i got home. he kept repeating, “‘Censya na, Karen. ‘Censya na talaga.” i hung up my phone and was like, “well, that was a shitty way to wake up.” then, i tried to convince myself to try and sleep pa. that there was nothing really useful i could do about what had happened. but my mind was whirring.

what the HELL happened?
why did i trust Sherwin?
Pipsy! are you really gone?
are you totaled? beyond repair?
repairs. how much will they be?
i’m broke.
i just spent like P10,000 on registration, getting a tune up, fixing a tire rod end.
i’m so sorry i left you with Sherwin.
Pipsy! are you really gone?

2 days prior, i had an intuition that i didn’t want to leave Pipsy with Sherwin while i was in the states for a month. i texted my friend, Ella, and asked if i could leave her with them. we were in the middle of arranging the logistics when this happened.

and this really happened.
of course, i couldn’t sleep after i received the news.
i woke up.
and did distance reiki healing for Sherwin.
and Pipsy.
and then i did reiki on myself, because it was dawning on me how upset i was over this.
i think i was in denial as to how upset i was.
i’m still not really sure why.

i wanted to scream.
at who?
for what?
did i really want to scream?

i was so sad.
i think i even cried a little as i pulled my malong over my head.

immediately, i felt this guilt.
why, oh, WHY didn’t i listen to my gut feeling to NOT leave the keys with Sherwin.
i wasn’t going to.
i was only going to be gone a week.
Pips would have been fine without being started.
but then the Ate Shella, the sister of Sherwin was getting married while i was gone.
and, it would be helpful to their family, if they had a car to use.
it was fiesta pa, and she was parked all crazy because there were so many cars parked on our street.
so, against my better judgement, i left the keys.

i had many things to do before before coming back down to Sta. Rita, which would have been fine, if i weren’t feeling so crazy about what had happened with Pipsy.

i still had to visit my family (again) before i left to say goodbye (again).
(it was a funny last minute request from Tita Eddy that i decided to honor, because well, she asked. and she’s 75. and, well, you just never know…i might not ever see her again.)

i still had to pack up all my crap that was strewn all around the room i was staying in.
(ten ilocano blankets, alfajor, strawberry jam, ube jam, maps, books, clothes, etc.)

i still had to go to easter weaving room to buy last minute pasalubong.
(never did make it up to banaue and sagada, so i couldn’t buy the bags that my Teacher was requesting. so, i decided to get something kinda similar at easter weaving and hope for the best…)

i still had to write a thank you card to grace for a fantastic visit and letting me stay at her place, even when she was went to manila for 4 days.
(grace, true to her name, was a gracious hostess and excellent tour guide. we saw so much and ate so well. i had copies made of some of the pictures that we had taken together EVERYWHERE in Baguio. i couldn’t wait to give them to her. i bought this cute card made of flower petals and i had been drafting the words of how to express my gratitude for days.)

i still had to climb onto a genesis bus with all of my crap and ride 8 hours (traffic) from Baguio to Sta. Rita. i SO did not want to deal with this situation. that’s the crux of the thing right there. i felt blindsided. this was so NOT part of the plan.

and Pipsy, my poor sweet Pipsy.

perhaps this is a good time to explore these feelings that i have about this car.
yes, i realize it is a car.
a thing.

and here it is.
we have a relationship.
Pipsy kept me safe.
and sane.
we would have conversations together on our many long drives from one place to another.
she was my partner in crime.
especially when i lived in the clinic, she was the one safe place that i could climb into and feel…free. no clients could get at me. no crazy boss. no crazy relatives. no crazy friends. not even loneliness. Pipsy and i would ride out into the sunset. 75% of the time, her radio would work and i would rig up Poddie ni Muki, my ipod, and we would sing and drive.
and sing.
and drive.
we would go exploring together.
we would get lost together.
we would get found together.
we survived many near misses together.
we survived crazy weather.
we survived flat tires, dead batteries, oil leaks, etc.
we took care of each other.
when Sherwin said that he wasn’t injured, i thought, “well, it’s because Pipsy is a really good car and she protected him.”

i saw pictures of her after the accident.
it was a fucking miracle that Sherwin wasn’t injured, wasn’t killed.
he was driving drunk at 2am.
he hit a patch of water on the way home from guagua and skidded.
he swerved to avoid hitting a tricycle and slammed into an acacia tree.
daw.

that’s the whole sordid tale.
ah, not quite.
thankfully, Pipsy is fixable.
i’m not sure how.
but, she is.
and Sherwin’s family is able to pay for all of it.
it will take about a month for all of the repairs to be completed.
so, by the time i come back from the states, sana, she will be done.

i think, in the beginning, it was difficult for me to accept that i was so upset over a thing.
it was more than a thing tho.
it’s about relationship.
Pips and me.
Sherwin and me.
etc.

two nights ago, my phone rang.
my phone ring sounds like crickets chirping.
and, it’s not uncommon for me to think my phone is ringing when i hear actual crickets chirping.
and something should be said about how rare talaga it is for me hear my phone ring, let alone actually “talk” on my cell phone.
super duper, uber ultra, to the nth rare.
i use my cell phone primarily to text and keep track of dates.
and, lately, when my phone has been ringing, more often than not, it is after midnight, and more often than not, it has been because a certain crazy ilonggo boy just won’t stop.
but, anyway, my phone was ringing two nights ago, and i was sure it was this crazy ilonggo boy, but it wasn’t!

it was Jodie!

and we talked for well over an hour.
i had to plug in my phone.
there was this moment when i was listening to the sound of my voice talking.
it sounded strange because i realized that i hadn’t talked this much in days.
Rowell came over a couple of times. late, so we didn’t really talk too much.
i would greet my neighbors everyday, people on the street, as i walked.
my conversation with Sherwin about Pips was brief.
so, it was strange to hear my voice so much.

i always enjoy my conversations with Jodie.
they are always entertaining, enlightening.
and deep.
she is a good mirror.
and she is magical.

i’ve been noticing that i’ve been having trouble with verb tenses lately.
forget past participle, nominative case, etc.
i am just talking about simple past, present, and future tense.
i’ve been speaking and writing in present tense, even when i am referring to the past or future. it’s kinda strange because i’ve not really had trouble with that ever before.
and, i’ve had to edit this blog entry several times to get the tenses right.
weird.

i hear the rain again.
Gayia comes on sunday.
and we will go to the monastery near Madapdap to hear mass in latin and Gregorian chanting. then eat yummy food at Azur and C.
my place is 75% clean, thanks to my being home so much.
another 25% to go.
Mang Ado came over yesterday and we finally hung my bamboo blinds and got some art on the walls. this enlisted drill bits and concrete hanger thingys and a couple of hours. but, my place looks great. hard to believe that i’ll be packing it up in 2 months.

well, i’m here now.