right down

am at Bahay Kalipay, using Pi's wittle ittle computer.
precarious and tempermental little cutie (the computer, that is.)
it's ergonomically challenging to use it.
one false move and the cord LAN line gets disconnected.
just look at it cross-eyed, and you'll see.
the power cord is plugged into an outlet above my head that likes to fall out of the socket and bonk me.

aray ko.
and, i'm sitting on this narrow bamboo couch, contorting 'cause why again...

kasi, naka-adik na ako sa facebook.
and i wanted to check my gmail.
and i wanted to check fares to iloilo (next trip).
and, and, and.

got this Junot Diaz quote from my friend Michelle's fb status:

'Immigration is a process that tends to self-select certain kinds of people, which is a way of saying that immigrants tend to be superhuman already. To leave everything behind takes a superhuman act of will, even for those who did it accidentally or flippantly.'

i get this one. right down to my bones.
i think about my parents and all they've endured.
i think of me and all that i've endured.
immigrant.
yes, i am an immigrant.
it's a label that i've eschewed for most of my life.
part of my decolonization process has been reclaiming it.
not celebrating it or abhoring it.
not embracing it or pushing it away.
just accepting it.
letting it in finally...
to take her rightful place.

it should be noted that my process in accepting it involved celebrating it and embracing it as well as abhoring and pushing it away. the only way i could find the middle was, first, to define the boundaries. or does the middle define the boundaries. sometimes. and, in this case, in particular, i did it baliktad.

i think about finding Home.
what home is.
what Home is.

i think about my Path.
and how a lot of it has been about renunciation.
not in a derelict or violent way.
or even showy or martyr-flavored.

all the labels and identities need to be put down, so that it is clear if they are meant to be taken up again.
even how they are to be taken up again.
it's been an interesting journey.

i realize that i have been somewhat influenced by this insidious misconception that this 'annihilation' of sorts is violent and somehow final.

it's not.
nothing lasts.

i have to be willing to put it all down.
so that i know what makes sense to pick up again.

what i pick up i can re-shape, re-imagine so that it is more useful and intentional.
this kind of tinkering implies a deeper process of knowing myself, knowing the stuff i'm made of. knowing what i inherited. knowing what i developed. knowing what is actual and useful and actually useful. and knowing what is just drama.

what a big, big learning.
what a shift.
what a life.

New Light Church

i dozed off this afternoon during the afternoon rain.
i woke up, and i heard gospel music.
i thought i was in Berkeley.
there is this church next to the Center called New Light Church.
on Sundays, the minister there rocks it out.
and, i woke up earlier thinking it was Sunday in Berkeley.
strange.
i'm here in Sta. Rita.
the singing i heard was a neighbor, across the street, singing videoke.
for the second night in a row.

jeep to Guagua

for my big adventure, i took a jeep to Guagua today.
i had to get money from the bank to pay for rent and things.
it’s been raining, so i expected it to be a little flooded.
BAHA.
i was walking in water that came up mid-calf.
i threw up in my mouth a little when i thought of the raw sewage and hepatitis that MUST be swirling around in it. i hated the feeling of floating plastic bags lingering around my ankles. i hated looking down at the murky brackish water and seeing the rainbow slick of oil on top. ewww.

brown low top converse.
i may leave those behind when i leave.

i continue to unpack.
today would have been a good day to do laundry, if i had my act together.
i so don’t have my act together.

i’m thinking of going to manila tomorrow.
need to get some plane tix.

nainis ako kanina.
Sherwin was asking me for money to help pay for repairs for my car that he wrecked 6 weeks ago.
grrr.
Pipsy is still out of commission.
nainis ako talaga.

it occurs to me how much i dislike packing and unpacking.
blech.
i’m getting better at not overpacking.
sort of.
everything i own is wrinkled at the moment.
i just threw things into my suitcase all haphazard when i left the states.

roosters crowing.
yes, i missed that in the states.

grey outside ulit.
the afternoon rain is coming.

unpacking...

a little gecko, about an inch long greeted me hello in the spoon rest, next to my stove in the kitchen this morning.
a kind of love and appreciation swoll up in me as i entered my apartment yesterday.
Rowell.
he cleaned.
perhaps, it is the Virgo in me...
coming home to a clean space is one of the best gifts ever.
today, he came over and we ate Fatima’s thighs.
i am convinced they taste like we are licking pink rose petals.
i did some unpacking today.
figurative, that is.
the literal is still strewn about my (ahem, clean) place.
i am eating this stale Trader Joe’s trail mix.
(i gotta stop.)
yesterday, first thing, i went to the palengke and bought load for my cell phone and computer. then, 2 carrots, a cucumber, a bunch of lemongrass, a huge hunk of young ginger, and 6 eggs. oh, and 2 fresh buko. set me back p130, which is less than $3.
it’s 1:37am on monday.
and i am acutely aware that i’m being antisocial and sleeping during waking hours and waking during sleeping hours.
my door is closed, so folks can’t peek in.
i brought no pasalubong home except for Fatima’s thighs for Rowell.
i just finished bathing with my bucket and tabo.
i used Rashmi’s amber soap.
i love that i can smell her here.
she and Pete got married here after all.
i inhale sharply the skin on my arm and i imagine her hugging me.
it’s a bit of comfort amidst all this unpacking.
i have this vague feeling that i don’t belong here anymore.
i don’t know if it is real or not.
am i creating it so that it is easier for me to let go?
is Inang Bayan saying, “go na, Anak,”?
i can hardly say.
time will tell i think.
i don’t know what time it is if i don’t look at my phone or this computer.
it’s grey for most of the day.
it rainy and cool.
i have to unpack literally soon.
i just remembered a wet bathing suit somewhere in there…
no, wait, i washed it.
phew.
been writing and sleeping.
and sleeping and writing.
like there is no other thing.