purpose...

i've been living on blue-green algae, caffeine, and protein bars.
hardly the breakfast of champions.
eh, but, very low carb...

i take walks everyday outside (or try to) to remind myself of what the air feels like on my cheeks.
i like to see the trees.
the cars and the noise i can do without.

i catch up on phone calls when i walk.
i even have a jawbone bluetooth thingy so i can talk 'hands-free.'

i remember the Philippines when i take these walks.
i remember walking in the rice fields.
and to the palengke.
and to the church.
and to the tiangge on Mondays.

i remember walking to Rowell's house.
and fetching water from the pump.
i remember falling asleep to crickets and the whirring fan at night.

those things really happened, i tell myself, lest i forget.

here, my to-do list never seems to diminish.
here, so many things are 'time-sensitive.'
here, the weather is crisp and cold.
here, it's harder to feel Kapwa.
here, things move a lot faster.
here, it feels harder to catch up.
here, i feel out of place, "too emotional."

here, is Home, too.

i tell myself, it will get better.
i tell myself, to just keep swimming.
i tell myself, i'm sorry it's so hard.
i tell myself, that i must be my own Witness.

i tell myself:
there is purpose to this pain.
there is purpose to this pain.
there is purpose to this pain.