we are more alike than different.
one of the most challenging relationships in my life right now.
anger.
trauma.
fear.
expectations.
release.
transform.
love.
remember.
re-member.
forgive.
forgive.
forgive.
Saturday, February 9, 2008
Friday, February 8, 2008
passionfruit
ate it fresh for the first time the other day.
atsaka biodynamic pala.
naku.
bagong favorite ko na ito.
how do you eat it, i asked?
"it's easy," said Reimon.
score it like this.
pull it apart.
open up the white membrane thingy.
scoop it out with a spoon and eat it in one bite, seeds and all.
the fruit is surprisingly...greyish.
parang brains daw.
oo, tama.
reminds me of that one john cusack movie where his mom makes this dinner that sprouts legs and crawls away.
but, the taste.
it's so googey.
and sweet.
and distinct.
and round.
the seeds are crunchy and their acidity balance the sweet.
i like the feel of my teeth crunching the seeds.
i expect them to be harder than they really are.
pleased that they aren't.
i make myself stop after three.
sarap talaga.
atsaka biodynamic pala.
naku.
bagong favorite ko na ito.
how do you eat it, i asked?
"it's easy," said Reimon.
score it like this.
pull it apart.
open up the white membrane thingy.
scoop it out with a spoon and eat it in one bite, seeds and all.
the fruit is surprisingly...greyish.
parang brains daw.
oo, tama.
reminds me of that one john cusack movie where his mom makes this dinner that sprouts legs and crawls away.
but, the taste.
it's so googey.
and sweet.
and distinct.
and round.
the seeds are crunchy and their acidity balance the sweet.
i like the feel of my teeth crunching the seeds.
i expect them to be harder than they really are.
pleased that they aren't.
i make myself stop after three.
sarap talaga.
nag champa
araw-araw, magsisindi ako ng insenso.
kumakapit ang bango sa aking balat.
malakas yung katahimikan mo.
ang sagot din ng katahimikan, eh.
parehong pareho ang pagibig ko.
kasi, puno ng kahulugan siya.
atsaka taimtim din siya.
walang hanggan, eh.
kinakalagan ko ang hapdi ng kalooban.
hindi ko na muling kailangan,eh.
walang tigil, walang maliw ang pagibig ko sa iyo.
palagi.
paalam...
paalam...
bumibitiw ako sa iyo.
kumakapit ang bango sa aking balat.
malakas yung katahimikan mo.
ang sagot din ng katahimikan, eh.
parehong pareho ang pagibig ko.
kasi, puno ng kahulugan siya.
atsaka taimtim din siya.
walang hanggan, eh.
kinakalagan ko ang hapdi ng kalooban.
hindi ko na muling kailangan,eh.
walang tigil, walang maliw ang pagibig ko sa iyo.
palagi.
paalam...
paalam...
bumibitiw ako sa iyo.
Saturday, February 2, 2008
internet
been wanting to get internet at the clinic.
there are times when i've wanted to google something really bad...
or blog.
or gmail chat.
or skype.
and i didn't want to haul my butt to the internet cafe.
it is within walking distance naman.
often they are crowded and noisy.
young men playing shooting games and swearing in tagalog and kapampangan.
young women online dating.
families talking with their ofw loved ones.
friendster, multiply, facebook, etc...
filled out an application online right when i landed back in the philippines.
on thursday, benedict, the manager of smart wireless, nepo mall, angeles came by the clinic so i could fill out a paper application and pay my first month's service charge of P999.
the installers came by later that evening to install it.
i was so excited.
at last...
it was a big production to get the antennae up.
people came out of their houses to watch the technician go up on the roof.
i was afraid that the corrugated steel roof was going to cave in when he stepped on it. it made a terrific racket.
pinoys are so curious.
one man came into the porch and was peering through my bedroom window to watch them set it up on my laptop.
i had to gently shoo him away.
"huwag na po."
so much for keeping it a secret that i have a computer in the clinic.
anyway, they had a hard time setting it up.
it took about an hour.
wrong part, wrong line, change this hardware, switch this, etc.
after it was all said and done, they had to take it all down.
the signal was too weak.
THE SIGNAL WAS TOO WEAK.
disappointment.
big time.
sadness.
frustration.
anger.
so, i had internet for a minute.
and then i didn't.
the technician recommended that i go through comclark instead.
their office is in sm clark.
two jeepney rides, 45 minutes, and P30 (one way) away.
okay.
i resolved to get up the next morning and go first thing, as i wanted to get the clinic organized.
i woke up the next morning.
and my face felt funny. swollen.
my arms too.
apparently i was the main course for some mosquitos the night before.
i looked like frankenstein.
so much for leaving first thing.
i wasn't sure if i wanted to leave the house.
i think i had something like 3 bites on my face.
left eye, third eye, and nose.
6 on my arms.
i called my friend joy back, as she called the night before when i was in the throes of depression. i recanted the tale to her and she sympathized. we had to call each other back 4 or 5 times because the call kept dropping. we laughed each time because i said, "see? the signal is too weak. good thing i didn't get internet!" plus, i ran out of load.
haaay.
so, the swelling went down that afternoon, at least enough so that i felt i could venture out of the house.
found the comclark office.
in order to apply, i need proof that i own the house, a utilities bill in my name, and valid id.
i don't own the house.
ate tey does.
the utilities bills are in her name; though i pay them.
so, when i see her next week, i'll ask her if she will go with me to angeles so we can apply for internet. will be an expensive endeavor.
will need to go to smart wireless in angeles, nepo mall in two weeks to get my refund.
grrr.
i don't even know where the nepo mall is.
i guess i'll find out in two weeks.
there are times when i've wanted to google something really bad...
or blog.
or gmail chat.
or skype.
and i didn't want to haul my butt to the internet cafe.
it is within walking distance naman.
often they are crowded and noisy.
young men playing shooting games and swearing in tagalog and kapampangan.
young women online dating.
families talking with their ofw loved ones.
friendster, multiply, facebook, etc...
filled out an application online right when i landed back in the philippines.
on thursday, benedict, the manager of smart wireless, nepo mall, angeles came by the clinic so i could fill out a paper application and pay my first month's service charge of P999.
the installers came by later that evening to install it.
i was so excited.
at last...
it was a big production to get the antennae up.
people came out of their houses to watch the technician go up on the roof.
i was afraid that the corrugated steel roof was going to cave in when he stepped on it. it made a terrific racket.
pinoys are so curious.
one man came into the porch and was peering through my bedroom window to watch them set it up on my laptop.
i had to gently shoo him away.
"huwag na po."
so much for keeping it a secret that i have a computer in the clinic.
anyway, they had a hard time setting it up.
it took about an hour.
wrong part, wrong line, change this hardware, switch this, etc.
after it was all said and done, they had to take it all down.
the signal was too weak.
THE SIGNAL WAS TOO WEAK.
disappointment.
big time.
sadness.
frustration.
anger.
so, i had internet for a minute.
and then i didn't.
the technician recommended that i go through comclark instead.
their office is in sm clark.
two jeepney rides, 45 minutes, and P30 (one way) away.
okay.
i resolved to get up the next morning and go first thing, as i wanted to get the clinic organized.
i woke up the next morning.
and my face felt funny. swollen.
my arms too.
apparently i was the main course for some mosquitos the night before.
i looked like frankenstein.
so much for leaving first thing.
i wasn't sure if i wanted to leave the house.
i think i had something like 3 bites on my face.
left eye, third eye, and nose.
6 on my arms.
i called my friend joy back, as she called the night before when i was in the throes of depression. i recanted the tale to her and she sympathized. we had to call each other back 4 or 5 times because the call kept dropping. we laughed each time because i said, "see? the signal is too weak. good thing i didn't get internet!" plus, i ran out of load.
haaay.
so, the swelling went down that afternoon, at least enough so that i felt i could venture out of the house.
found the comclark office.
in order to apply, i need proof that i own the house, a utilities bill in my name, and valid id.
i don't own the house.
ate tey does.
the utilities bills are in her name; though i pay them.
so, when i see her next week, i'll ask her if she will go with me to angeles so we can apply for internet. will be an expensive endeavor.
will need to go to smart wireless in angeles, nepo mall in two weeks to get my refund.
grrr.
i don't even know where the nepo mall is.
i guess i'll find out in two weeks.
write
so many things go through my head.
i've been trying to sit and write.
been having a hard time.
everytime, i sit down, i pop back up again.
restless.
been spending the last two days organizing and cleaning up the clinic.
while i was gone, my things were shifted around.
construction dust everywhere.
i'll feel more settled when things are put away, i think.
i'm so particular about my things.
it's kind of funny.
my virgo, i guess.
of course brought back a bunch of stuff with me.
i won't be needing cotton rounds nor dental floss for at least 6 months, i think.
need to get a bookshelf made.
(i wonder how much that will cost...)
many, many books.
looking forward to study.
actually looking forward to learning calculus and physics.
didn't stick the first time around kasi.
also have precept study with my fellow Students from the Center.
brought back with me a bunch of my art supplies.
will be painting and drawing again.
looking forward to playing.
Cez and i have agreed to play and take pictures of our works and email them every third saturday of the month.
been working with a ridiculous schedule as of late.
going back and forth to manila, something like 3 times in the last week.
birthday parties, dinners, and despedidas.
so badly wanted to skip out, but in the end, decided to go to all of them.
it's all about relationships.
agnes turned 40. 80's party at club mwah. fake lacoste and sweater tied around my shoulders. danced the night away to depeche mode, cindi lauper, etc. honestly, 80's fashion is wrong. many were sporting some mighty big shoulder pads that night. and side ponytails. and neon. what the hell were we thinking?
ate jovy turned 60. party at their house in antipolo. her cake was in the shape of a woman's torso, in a bikini. very strange. got all tearful, as her kids put together a slide show of their family photos. it was really beautiful. and of course, i missed my family all the more...
alan turned...well, i'm not allowed to say. but we celebrated his birthday at his friend's huge condo near ortigas. they go to film school together, and this place was all tricked out with dvd's galore (original, not pirated!), projection screens, computers, etc. met some very fine folk.
nathanel is back in the states. despedida was at UP. played guitar, sang songs, met more fine folk, and ate good food. japanese curry veggies and noodles. ube and buko pie, too.
cousin ohmar visted from the states. had dinner with him at shangri-la. then spent the night at the mandarin oriental before back to the clinic in the early morning. what a contrast that is.
congresswoman etta rosales and other important visitors came to the clinic, too. perhaps, some good will come of their coming. hopefully some funding and connections to local government and health agencies. will be organizing trips to the orthopedic surgeon and pediatrician for this month and could use some support in providing transportations for all the little ones and their mothers.
much to do for the clinic. need to draw up contracts for our amazing physical therapists, write a letter of intent to partner with angeles university foundation, home visits, charting, revamp the charting system, budget stuff, monthly reports to write, buy clinic supplies in manila and angeles...and on and on.
it's busy now.
once systems are in place, it won't feel so hectic.
it's been good to have a bit of solitude.
time to nap.
and just be quiet.
started meditating again.
will likely start up morning yoga next week.
will be cleansing, too.
soon, soon.
Cez texted the other day, "i feel like i am celebrating and struggling at the same time."
yah, i know the feeling.
i've been trying to sit and write.
been having a hard time.
everytime, i sit down, i pop back up again.
restless.
been spending the last two days organizing and cleaning up the clinic.
while i was gone, my things were shifted around.
construction dust everywhere.
i'll feel more settled when things are put away, i think.
i'm so particular about my things.
it's kind of funny.
my virgo, i guess.
of course brought back a bunch of stuff with me.
i won't be needing cotton rounds nor dental floss for at least 6 months, i think.
need to get a bookshelf made.
(i wonder how much that will cost...)
many, many books.
looking forward to study.
actually looking forward to learning calculus and physics.
didn't stick the first time around kasi.
also have precept study with my fellow Students from the Center.
brought back with me a bunch of my art supplies.
will be painting and drawing again.
looking forward to playing.
Cez and i have agreed to play and take pictures of our works and email them every third saturday of the month.
been working with a ridiculous schedule as of late.
going back and forth to manila, something like 3 times in the last week.
birthday parties, dinners, and despedidas.
so badly wanted to skip out, but in the end, decided to go to all of them.
it's all about relationships.
agnes turned 40. 80's party at club mwah. fake lacoste and sweater tied around my shoulders. danced the night away to depeche mode, cindi lauper, etc. honestly, 80's fashion is wrong. many were sporting some mighty big shoulder pads that night. and side ponytails. and neon. what the hell were we thinking?
ate jovy turned 60. party at their house in antipolo. her cake was in the shape of a woman's torso, in a bikini. very strange. got all tearful, as her kids put together a slide show of their family photos. it was really beautiful. and of course, i missed my family all the more...
alan turned...well, i'm not allowed to say. but we celebrated his birthday at his friend's huge condo near ortigas. they go to film school together, and this place was all tricked out with dvd's galore (original, not pirated!), projection screens, computers, etc. met some very fine folk.
nathanel is back in the states. despedida was at UP. played guitar, sang songs, met more fine folk, and ate good food. japanese curry veggies and noodles. ube and buko pie, too.
cousin ohmar visted from the states. had dinner with him at shangri-la. then spent the night at the mandarin oriental before back to the clinic in the early morning. what a contrast that is.
congresswoman etta rosales and other important visitors came to the clinic, too. perhaps, some good will come of their coming. hopefully some funding and connections to local government and health agencies. will be organizing trips to the orthopedic surgeon and pediatrician for this month and could use some support in providing transportations for all the little ones and their mothers.
much to do for the clinic. need to draw up contracts for our amazing physical therapists, write a letter of intent to partner with angeles university foundation, home visits, charting, revamp the charting system, budget stuff, monthly reports to write, buy clinic supplies in manila and angeles...and on and on.
it's busy now.
once systems are in place, it won't feel so hectic.
it's been good to have a bit of solitude.
time to nap.
and just be quiet.
started meditating again.
will likely start up morning yoga next week.
will be cleansing, too.
soon, soon.
Cez texted the other day, "i feel like i am celebrating and struggling at the same time."
yah, i know the feeling.
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
xocolat
can hardly believe that i'm back. moving through a lot.
learning to live with this profound sadness that i feel.
i miss my people in the states.
in fact, "miss" just isn't the word.
i don't know what the word is.
i'm sitting in casa de xocolat on katipunan ave. writing this.
37 minutes worth of battery left
just had a catch up dinner with my friend Oggie, at his favorite spot, chocolate kiss.
chocolate seems to the running theme for tonight.
sige.
there are all of these things that i want to write about.
i start.
then stop.
just can't do it.
just can't do it, yet.
the pace of manila is getting to me.
the heat.
the diesel fumes.
the noise.
the din.
the full moon was last night.
nathanel, joy, and i sleptover at troy's.
we watched the moon play in the clouds.
my heart ached, because i really love the moon.
justin, you are missed, brother.
i went to madapdap on tuesday.
the clinic is looking great.
a number of badly needed renovations were completed while i was gone.
the walls are finished. just need to be sealed and painted. the floors are smooth. and green!
looking forward to settling in over there again.
soon, soon.
need to rent a car to haul all my stuff from marikina to madapdap.
add it to my list.
when he saw me, my secret favorite client climbed onto my lap, put his arms around my neck, and laid his head against my chest.
i held him, sniff kissed the top of his head, and almost cried.
oh my.
this is sweet.
the mothers were asking for their pasalubong. i guiltily brought chocolates. one pound box of see's nuts and chews. one of my all-time faves. "secret natin ha," i said, "baka nagalit si susan eh." they don't have dental care kasi. this chocolate tastes different here. the heat softens it. the chews are chewier. the chocolate smoother somehow.
nathanel leaves for the states tuesday.
my cousin leaves for bahrain on tuesday.
congresswoman rosales and the mayor of mabalacat come visit the clinic on tuesday.
tuesday is some kind of day.
i will wake up 5 hours from now, get ready, and climb onto a jeep, then the lrt, walk for a bit, then a climb onto a bus back to madapdap.
will stay overnight, and then back to manila again.
keep going Muki.
it feels hard right now.
this won't last.
be here.
you're here.
be here.
you're here.
be here.
you're here.
be here.
learning to live with this profound sadness that i feel.
i miss my people in the states.
in fact, "miss" just isn't the word.
i don't know what the word is.
i'm sitting in casa de xocolat on katipunan ave. writing this.
37 minutes worth of battery left
just had a catch up dinner with my friend Oggie, at his favorite spot, chocolate kiss.
chocolate seems to the running theme for tonight.
sige.
there are all of these things that i want to write about.
i start.
then stop.
just can't do it.
just can't do it, yet.
the pace of manila is getting to me.
the heat.
the diesel fumes.
the noise.
the din.
the full moon was last night.
nathanel, joy, and i sleptover at troy's.
we watched the moon play in the clouds.
my heart ached, because i really love the moon.
justin, you are missed, brother.
i went to madapdap on tuesday.
the clinic is looking great.
a number of badly needed renovations were completed while i was gone.
the walls are finished. just need to be sealed and painted. the floors are smooth. and green!
looking forward to settling in over there again.
soon, soon.
need to rent a car to haul all my stuff from marikina to madapdap.
add it to my list.
when he saw me, my secret favorite client climbed onto my lap, put his arms around my neck, and laid his head against my chest.
i held him, sniff kissed the top of his head, and almost cried.
oh my.
this is sweet.
the mothers were asking for their pasalubong. i guiltily brought chocolates. one pound box of see's nuts and chews. one of my all-time faves. "secret natin ha," i said, "baka nagalit si susan eh." they don't have dental care kasi. this chocolate tastes different here. the heat softens it. the chews are chewier. the chocolate smoother somehow.
nathanel leaves for the states tuesday.
my cousin leaves for bahrain on tuesday.
congresswoman rosales and the mayor of mabalacat come visit the clinic on tuesday.
tuesday is some kind of day.
i will wake up 5 hours from now, get ready, and climb onto a jeep, then the lrt, walk for a bit, then a climb onto a bus back to madapdap.
will stay overnight, and then back to manila again.
keep going Muki.
it feels hard right now.
this won't last.
be here.
you're here.
be here.
you're here.
be here.
you're here.
be here.
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
integration
haaaaaaaay.
still stateside.
vegas.
spent the last ten days or so in the bay area.
so much has happened.
so much keeps happening.
heart is breaking...
wider and wider open.
liminal spaces.
transition.
honesty.
compassion.
ego.
limitations.
fear.
dear, dear friends.
new friends.
family.
dearest friend.
juggle it.
work it out.
make it work.
community.
love.
how can i leave this place again?
Inang Bayan, i hear you.
i'm coming back.
and my heart, my heart.
will need time to process and integrate all of this.
in the meantime, i receive.
will be a challenge for me, as i return...
it seems as if the clinic demands that i hit the ground running.
okay, if that makes sense.
then i will need to take frequent breaks.
and remember.
remember the importance of integration.
for making space for integration.
my body is tired.
and i encourage her to stretch a little longer.
there's purpose to this pain.
i vow to do better in taking care of you and making you stronger.
i see how important you are as the physical vessel in our Path.
my heart is full.
and i encourage her to stretch a little longer.
there's purpose to this pain.
she wants to numb out.
and say, "tama na. enough."
"sige po," i cajole. kaya mo ito.
stay present, dearest.
see how it all fits?
it hurts because there is so much Love.
leaving again hurts because there is so much Love.
it actually a privilege to be able to feel all of this, darling.
atsaka....
ang sakit.
ang sakit talaga.
and also it hurts.
it really, really, really hurts.
i leave on friday.
the next three days will be spent running around getting everyone's pasalubong.
buying stuff that is expensive or not available in the philippines.
spending time with my family.
packing balikbayan boxes.
taking care of some stateside clinic business.
may i continue to witness my own process.
may i love myself through this.
can no longer afford to do it any other way.
exhale.
settle.
reset.
okay.
still stateside.
vegas.
spent the last ten days or so in the bay area.
so much has happened.
so much keeps happening.
heart is breaking...
wider and wider open.
liminal spaces.
transition.
honesty.
compassion.
ego.
limitations.
fear.
dear, dear friends.
new friends.
family.
dearest friend.
juggle it.
work it out.
make it work.
community.
love.
how can i leave this place again?
Inang Bayan, i hear you.
i'm coming back.
and my heart, my heart.
will need time to process and integrate all of this.
in the meantime, i receive.
will be a challenge for me, as i return...
it seems as if the clinic demands that i hit the ground running.
okay, if that makes sense.
then i will need to take frequent breaks.
and remember.
remember the importance of integration.
for making space for integration.
my body is tired.
and i encourage her to stretch a little longer.
there's purpose to this pain.
i vow to do better in taking care of you and making you stronger.
i see how important you are as the physical vessel in our Path.
my heart is full.
and i encourage her to stretch a little longer.
there's purpose to this pain.
she wants to numb out.
and say, "tama na. enough."
"sige po," i cajole. kaya mo ito.
stay present, dearest.
see how it all fits?
it hurts because there is so much Love.
leaving again hurts because there is so much Love.
it actually a privilege to be able to feel all of this, darling.
atsaka....
ang sakit.
ang sakit talaga.
and also it hurts.
it really, really, really hurts.
i leave on friday.
the next three days will be spent running around getting everyone's pasalubong.
buying stuff that is expensive or not available in the philippines.
spending time with my family.
packing balikbayan boxes.
taking care of some stateside clinic business.
may i continue to witness my own process.
may i love myself through this.
can no longer afford to do it any other way.
exhale.
settle.
reset.
okay.
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