february

is there something about february that is just ridiculous?

i remember last year's february was so difficult for me.

this year is no exception.

i am racking my brains.
wanting to tear my hair out.

actually wanting to tear my heart out.

don't want to feel right now.
want to check out.
and be numb.

want to run away from my responsibilities.
want to abandon Mayora.

i swear the hardest thing about this "whole thing" has been my relationship with her.
stuff around money lately.

SCARCITY IS A MYTH.
EVERYTHING DOES NOT NEED TO BE A BLOODY BATTLE TO THE DEATH.

i think about my Center in berkeley.
how i worked out a lot of my tightness around money there.
how heartbreaking it is to be on the receiving end of behavior so instilled in fear
and investment in fear
and so little trust nor venue for conversation about it.
sabi ni Mayora kasi, "if there are issues here, they are YOURS, not mine."

naku, i know that place.
and i recognize the impact of my privilege (money, class, nationality, mobility, etc.) in all of this.
haaay, it's so complicated.

i remember what my Mitra said before i left this last time.

she said, "Muki, take care of Muki."

i hear her voice now.
see the look on her face.
deep love, concern, encouragement, acknowledgement of the pain, without my having said anything about it.
all with a look.
her eyes see through my brave front.
could actually feel her empathy, as she knows this Path is not an easy one.
she knows because she has walked it before.
wish i could hug her now.
or lean my head on her shoulder while she watches heroes or csi or 24 or whatever.
she can have similar energy to Mayora with one important difference.

when we do our work at the Center, if she saw someone (and there was always someone!) working themselves from an unsustainable place, from a place of anger or violence, after a bit, if they didn't self-correct their course or if the Community didn't step up and ask the hard questions, she would say, "just stop. let the project go."

even if it was really important to our growth.
even if it was really important to our Community.
even if outside agencies were depending on us.
even if "so much good" would come out of it.
even if there was little to no chance that the beneficiaries of the work would ever know nor likely care HOW the work was actually completed.

Mitra said, "if our work comes from an unsustainable place, it actually sows the seeds for more violence, which is why we find ourselves in this kind of world."

she said, "i would rather see you give it up than do it that way. i'll let this whole thing fall to the ground, if need be."

and she really meant it.
i didn't believe her at first.
who really says that and means it?
people SAY that, and when it comes right down to it, it's the bottom line. it's always the bottom line.

no, no.
my Mitra is the real deal.
she means it.
she means it with every fiber of her Being.
and it comes from a place of deep Love.
and fierce Compassion.

i've seen it.
i've experienced it.
and i realize deeper and deeper how precious that is to me.
and how rare indeed.

i want to abandon Mayora, and i know i won't.
see, i walk a different way now.
it's about relationship.
i will do as my Teacher has instructed me.

Muki, take care of Muki.
and, in doing this, i will be able to see more clearly.
and find the courage to ask the hard questions.
and ask in a good way.
not in a fit of rage or hurt.
and it may be that i choose to leave Mayora, not abandon her.

earlier, i slipped on these foam tiles that line the floor of the clinic.
was going too fast.
took a fall on the cement.
will be sore tomorrow.
bruised, too, prolly.

slow down, Beautiful.
smile.
enjoy this too, if you can.

supposed to go to Prado tonight.
cancelled.
the thought of climbing into a jeep, then a bus, and then trying to find my way in the dark makes me feel nauseated.
will stay put tonight.
will walk to the park.
look at the moon.
and find some calamares and buko juice for dinner.

choice

the Universe is teaching me about choice.

i am surrounded by delicious choices.

in the past, choice seemed easier.
kasi, it was between something kinda horrendous and barely tolerable.

easy, right?
barely tolerable.

now, the choices that i am faced with are not so black and white.
they are complex, round, equal parts joy and pain.
and really delicious.

what do i REALLY want to do?
is this how i want to spend my time?
is this what i want to be doing?
is this who i want to be doing it with?

these are the questions i swirl around in my head.
i cannot answer these questions when i am swept away by my emotions.
need a degree of stillness and calm to be able to consider these important questions.

i don't know, until i know.
until i know, i'll stay this course.
no wrong answer here, Muki.

will keep asking the questions...
and live the answers.

patience, darling Self.
kaya mo ito.

ease

another shift has happened in this extraordinary, ordinary life of mine.
last tuesday, i was up to my eyeballs in stress, overwhelm, disappointment, confusion, grief...

i realized how much energy it takes to be angry.
and how much energy it takes to be angry and pretend that i'm not so much.
and how much energy it takes to be angry, pretend that i'm not not so much while trying to find a constructive way to move through it that doesn't involve dramatics or violence.

i went to bed that night and wondered how to stop.
i realized that i need to be even more intentional in how i spend my time and energies.
i realized that my anger was consuming my precious resources.

the next day, i was pensive.
still brooding.
moving through it.
talked with friends about how i was feeling.
sat in meditation in the morning.
cried.
wrote.
sobbed.
sang.
cleaned.
drummed.
napped
listened.
hugged myself.
rocked myself.
soothed myself.

somewhere between sleep and waking the next morning, the anger left.
it was such a strange feeling to have her gone.
at first, i didn't believe.
oh, she's around here somewhere.
she can't have left.
i realized in, in a way, i kinda missed her.
just a little.
and just for a few seconds.
then, it was more a reactive panic.
where IS she?
is she really gone?

yes.
she is.

Mayora

we are more alike than different.
one of the most challenging relationships in my life right now.

anger.
trauma.
fear.

expectations.

release.
transform.

love.
remember.
re-member.

forgive.
forgive.
forgive.

passionfruit

ate it fresh for the first time the other day.
atsaka biodynamic pala.

naku.
bagong favorite ko na ito.

how do you eat it, i asked?
"it's easy," said Reimon.

score it like this.
pull it apart.
open up the white membrane thingy.
scoop it out with a spoon and eat it in one bite, seeds and all.

the fruit is surprisingly...greyish.
parang brains daw.
oo, tama.
reminds me of that one john cusack movie where his mom makes this dinner that sprouts legs and crawls away.

but, the taste.
it's so googey.
and sweet.
and distinct.
and round.
the seeds are crunchy and their acidity balance the sweet.
i like the feel of my teeth crunching the seeds.
i expect them to be harder than they really are.
pleased that they aren't.
i make myself stop after three.
sarap talaga.

nag champa

araw-araw, magsisindi ako ng insenso.
kumakapit ang bango sa aking balat.
malakas yung katahimikan mo.
ang sagot din ng katahimikan, eh.

parehong pareho ang pagibig ko.
kasi, puno ng kahulugan siya.
atsaka taimtim din siya.
walang hanggan, eh.

kinakalagan ko ang hapdi ng kalooban.
hindi ko na muling kailangan,eh.

walang tigil, walang maliw ang pagibig ko sa iyo.
palagi.
paalam...
paalam...
bumibitiw ako sa iyo.

internet

been wanting to get internet at the clinic.

there are times when i've wanted to google something really bad...
or blog.
or gmail chat.
or skype.
and i didn't want to haul my butt to the internet cafe.
it is within walking distance naman.
often they are crowded and noisy.
young men playing shooting games and swearing in tagalog and kapampangan.
young women online dating.
families talking with their ofw loved ones.
friendster, multiply, facebook, etc...

filled out an application online right when i landed back in the philippines.
on thursday, benedict, the manager of smart wireless, nepo mall, angeles came by the clinic so i could fill out a paper application and pay my first month's service charge of P999.

the installers came by later that evening to install it.
i was so excited.
at last...

it was a big production to get the antennae up.
people came out of their houses to watch the technician go up on the roof.
i was afraid that the corrugated steel roof was going to cave in when he stepped on it. it made a terrific racket.

pinoys are so curious.
one man came into the porch and was peering through my bedroom window to watch them set it up on my laptop.
i had to gently shoo him away.
"huwag na po."
so much for keeping it a secret that i have a computer in the clinic.

anyway, they had a hard time setting it up.
it took about an hour.
wrong part, wrong line, change this hardware, switch this, etc.

after it was all said and done, they had to take it all down.
the signal was too weak.

THE SIGNAL WAS TOO WEAK.
disappointment.
big time.
sadness.
frustration.
anger.

so, i had internet for a minute.
and then i didn't.

the technician recommended that i go through comclark instead.
their office is in sm clark.
two jeepney rides, 45 minutes, and P30 (one way) away.

okay.

i resolved to get up the next morning and go first thing, as i wanted to get the clinic organized.

i woke up the next morning.
and my face felt funny. swollen.
my arms too.
apparently i was the main course for some mosquitos the night before.
i looked like frankenstein.

so much for leaving first thing.
i wasn't sure if i wanted to leave the house.
i think i had something like 3 bites on my face.
left eye, third eye, and nose.
6 on my arms.

i called my friend joy back, as she called the night before when i was in the throes of depression. i recanted the tale to her and she sympathized. we had to call each other back 4 or 5 times because the call kept dropping. we laughed each time because i said, "see? the signal is too weak. good thing i didn't get internet!" plus, i ran out of load.

haaay.
so, the swelling went down that afternoon, at least enough so that i felt i could venture out of the house.
found the comclark office.
in order to apply, i need proof that i own the house, a utilities bill in my name, and valid id.

i don't own the house.
ate tey does.
the utilities bills are in her name; though i pay them.

so, when i see her next week, i'll ask her if she will go with me to angeles so we can apply for internet. will be an expensive endeavor.

will need to go to smart wireless in angeles, nepo mall in two weeks to get my refund.

grrr.
i don't even know where the nepo mall is.
i guess i'll find out in two weeks.