xocolat

can hardly believe that i'm back. moving through a lot.
learning to live with this profound sadness that i feel.
i miss my people in the states.
in fact, "miss" just isn't the word.

i don't know what the word is.

i'm sitting in casa de xocolat on katipunan ave. writing this.
37 minutes worth of battery left
just had a catch up dinner with my friend Oggie, at his favorite spot, chocolate kiss.
chocolate seems to the running theme for tonight.
sige.

there are all of these things that i want to write about.
i start.
then stop.
just can't do it.
just can't do it, yet.

the pace of manila is getting to me.
the heat.
the diesel fumes.
the noise.
the din.

the full moon was last night.
nathanel, joy, and i sleptover at troy's.
we watched the moon play in the clouds.
my heart ached, because i really love the moon.

justin, you are missed, brother.

i went to madapdap on tuesday.
the clinic is looking great.
a number of badly needed renovations were completed while i was gone.
the walls are finished. just need to be sealed and painted. the floors are smooth. and green!

looking forward to settling in over there again.
soon, soon.
need to rent a car to haul all my stuff from marikina to madapdap.
add it to my list.

when he saw me, my secret favorite client climbed onto my lap, put his arms around my neck, and laid his head against my chest.
i held him, sniff kissed the top of his head, and almost cried.
oh my.
this is sweet.

the mothers were asking for their pasalubong. i guiltily brought chocolates. one pound box of see's nuts and chews. one of my all-time faves. "secret natin ha," i said, "baka nagalit si susan eh." they don't have dental care kasi. this chocolate tastes different here. the heat softens it. the chews are chewier. the chocolate smoother somehow.

nathanel leaves for the states tuesday.
my cousin leaves for bahrain on tuesday.
congresswoman rosales and the mayor of mabalacat come visit the clinic on tuesday.
tuesday is some kind of day.

i will wake up 5 hours from now, get ready, and climb onto a jeep, then the lrt, walk for a bit, then a climb onto a bus back to madapdap.
will stay overnight, and then back to manila again.

keep going Muki.
it feels hard right now.
this won't last.

be here.
you're here.

be here.
you're here.

be here.
you're here.

be here.

integration

haaaaaaaay.
still stateside.
vegas.
spent the last ten days or so in the bay area.

so much has happened.
so much keeps happening.

heart is breaking...
wider and wider open.

liminal spaces.
transition.

honesty.
compassion.

ego.

limitations.
fear.

dear, dear friends.
new friends.
family.
dearest friend.

juggle it.
work it out.
make it work.

community.
love.

how can i leave this place again?
Inang Bayan, i hear you.
i'm coming back.
and my heart, my heart.

will need time to process and integrate all of this.
in the meantime, i receive.

will be a challenge for me, as i return...
it seems as if the clinic demands that i hit the ground running.
okay, if that makes sense.

then i will need to take frequent breaks.

and remember.
remember the importance of integration.
for making space for integration.

my body is tired.
and i encourage her to stretch a little longer.
there's purpose to this pain.
i vow to do better in taking care of you and making you stronger.
i see how important you are as the physical vessel in our Path.

my heart is full.
and i encourage her to stretch a little longer.
there's purpose to this pain.
she wants to numb out.
and say, "tama na. enough."
"sige po," i cajole. kaya mo ito.

stay present, dearest.
see how it all fits?
it hurts because there is so much Love.
leaving again hurts because there is so much Love.
it actually a privilege to be able to feel all of this, darling.

atsaka....
ang sakit.
ang sakit talaga.

and also it hurts.
it really, really, really hurts.

i leave on friday.
the next three days will be spent running around getting everyone's pasalubong.
buying stuff that is expensive or not available in the philippines.
spending time with my family.
packing balikbayan boxes.
taking care of some stateside clinic business.

may i continue to witness my own process.
may i love myself through this.
can no longer afford to do it any other way.

exhale.
settle.
reset.
okay.

hara

there is feeling, this fluttering feeling in my hara.
i've written about it before.
like a trapped butterfly or a bird.
i feel so uneasy.
and anxious.

it's so uncomfortable.
i want to run.
or escape it somehow.
eat it.
drink it.
gamble it.
something, anything not to feel it.

i don't feel it all the time.

chicken lollipop

picture this.

paul anka's concert dvd playing loudly. "papa" playing now. (kanina, si anne murray o!)
my mother dancing around the kitchen, preparing and marinating all the food we will eat in the next two days.

me, wearing wool socks, pajama bottoms, three shirts, and a wool beanie (ang lamig dito, eh.),
laughing and making tsismis and kwento-kwento with my mom.

baking cookies...
a filipinized version of the debunked urban legend nieman marcus recipe.
by filipinized, meaning i don't really measure, going from memory, freestyle.
i change the ingredients up depending on what makes sense at the time, what we have on hand.

i used cashews this year instead of walnuts and pecans, an homage to Prado.
used mostly whole wheat flour din.

i made these cookies at Prado a couple of weeks ago, assisted by Hugo and Natya, ang mga pamangkin ni Reimon.
nary a walnut nor pecan could be found.
so we used cashews.
ang sarap!

four dozen so far.
i give cookies and make cd's for my loved ones during christmas.
it's how i make peace with all the commercialized madness this time of year.
i still do *love* to give gifts to people.
i just spread them out over the year.
and give them, as Spirit moves me.

tonight at midnight we will eat:
pancit molo
hot pan de sal
chicken lollipop
honeybaked ham
and
cookies!

tomorrow will be a ridiculous feast pala.
:)

my dad is napping on the couch, tired from playing tennis this morning.

i'm still working out this year's cd playlist.
3/4 done yata.

masaya.

blockbuster'd

feeling better.
dancing.
walking.
breathing.

full moon tonight.
gorgeous.
the sky is dark and clear.
the air is dry and sharp.
i am mesmerized by the moon.

been renting movies at the nearby blockbuster.
$4.29 a movie.
grabe!
you do get to keep them for 5 days, so i guess that's good.
pero, ang mahal talaga!

there's a movie rental place in Madapdap called 'friendster'.
mostly pirated titles.
Nathanel and i rented 'beautiful boxer' two days before i left for the states.
subtitles super jacked up.
atsaka 15 pesos lang.
we never ended up finishing it because the disc kept stopping.

i remember those 'beautiful boxer' postcards that we used to use as scratch paper at the Center after the premiere.
was so funny for me to see that image again, especially in the Philippines.

talked with some relatives from chicago today on the phone.
some of them i haven't talked with for years.
two titas, one tito, three cousins.

kuya Ferdie might be going to Baguio in February.
will meet up with him there.

spoke Taglish with them. was fun (and funny) because they were so impressed.

prison dream

had a dream last night that i was in prison.
it was a minimum security prison in the philippines.
(does that exist?)

i wasn't scared.
just bewildered.
everyone was confused.
even the guards.

i woke up just when i realized that martial law had been declared again.

psoas

have this anxiety.
haven't felt this in 6 months.
not that i haven't felt anxious in the Philippines.
this is a different kind.

vague.
deep.

parang yung sariling dwende ko, ang ginhawa ko ay sa bilangguan.
and she's scared.
and she's confused because she doesn't know why she's so scared.

i can feel my psoas, so sore.
last night, i had to go outside and look at the moon.
and talk to her.
because if i stayed inside, i would start climbing the walls.
and it's so cold here.

then, i borrowed my sister's car and went for a drive.
looking, looking for something familiar.
something to hold onto.

i drove 20 miles.
trying to find some comfort outside of myself.
wala eh.

is it something about being in vegas?
siguro.
i've often said, i'd have nothing to do with las vegas if my family didn't live here.
it's the land of delusion kasi.

i've become so sensitive to energies.
i don't know if i can stay until after new year.
i want to see my family though.
and spend time with them.

naku.

ano ba ito?
will have to find some way to work with this anxiety.
must be time to work with this, too.

sige.