outlets

there has been so much happening. can hardly keep up. nothing new here. spent most of the morning calling (skypeing, actually) my favorite peeps in the states.

bittersweet there. mostly sweet.

and…
i'm reminded how much i miss them.
how much i miss seeing them.
sitting with them.
laughing with them.
eating with them.
talking with them.
hugging them.
kissing them.
holding them.
being held by them.

i'm sitting at cafe xocolat. free wifi, yummy hot chocolate. it's been my hangout spot lately.
funny, reminds of Bittersweet in Oakland.
i don’t even remember the street or the neighborhood.
Rock something. Rockwell? Rockwood? Rock something.

anyway, when i was climbing into the jeep this morning, i thought, i could just pack up and go back to the states. i really could. it would be easy. buy the ticket with a credit card. pack up and bid farewell to the Philippines.

a few seconds later...
i realize that no, no sweet self.
not yet.
there is more for you to do here.
it's just getting interesting.

um.
it's been interesting.
wait, by interesting, do you mean…
crazy?
unsettling?
disturbing?
fast?
noisy?
erratic?
challenging?
unexpected?
heartbreaking?

yes.

and joyful.
and ecstatic.
and adventurous.
and fun.
and funny.
and rich.
and edgy.
and stretchy.

and, well, everything that i need…
to Awaken.

i've found myself in all sorts of situations.
the fake it 'til you make it kind.
no stranger to this.
ebb and flow.
very Pinoy.
taking cues from my environment.

will be moving to Pampanga soon.
i’ll be a director of a clinic.
it’s more than a clinic, actually.

it’s another Center.

physical therapy for the children who have cerebral palsy from the toxic waste left by the American military that poisoned the soil, the land, the water.
the disabled will walk!

livelihood projects for their parents. will be learning to bead and make jewelry along with the mothers. while their kids get stretched and pulled and strengthened, we will be beading. lariats, bracelets, necklaces, bag charms. beads, beads.
the disempowered will empower themselves towards sustainability!

health education lectures to the community. on breastfeeding. on natural medicine. on home remedies. on hygiene. on nutrition.
the community will heal!

cataract screenings for the community as well. will help them get connected with an opthalmic surgeon who can provide this surgery for the cost of the medications. 3000 pesos, rather than 30,000 pesos.
the blind will see!

i’ll be doing all of this.
it’s a lot.
no wonder i’m freaking out.

the renovations for the clinic are underway. a lot of my energies have been invested there. meeting with the carpenter. drawing out plans. listing down materials. costing them out. buying them. hustling for money.

feels familiar.
making something out of nothing.

the other day, i woke up realizing that i need to decide where the electrical outlets go. i’ve never had to decide where electrical outlets have to go before.
i’ve always just worked with what was there.
or let someone else make the decision.
wouldn’t someone else be better qualified to make such decisions?
i'm "just a nurse."

nope.
it’s me.
feels weird.
and, it is part of my evolution, my revolution, my path.

i am creating my life.
sometimes i don’t get to decide where the outlets go.
i know that i can work with whatever is there.
sometimes, i do get to decide.
and that, for me, is scarier.

what if fuck up?
gasp.

then, i fuck up.
and i have to work with what’s there.
(remember? you know how to do that…)
then, i learn…for the next time.
because, there will be a next time.

this is just the beginning.
practice.
Practice.