kalayaan

i have a free relationship with innerdance.
i have a free relationship with spiritual science.
i have a free relationship with fearless meditation.

that is the difference.
it was not always that way.
it's been a journey, a lakaran, a process.

a holding tight, tight.
and a willing release.

not a careless casting off ha.
a thoughtful release.
a reverent release.
one that is close enough so that, when appropriate, the teachings can be called upon.
and, one that is far enough to allow for proper perspective.

kapwa.
i see the other in myself.
i see myself in the other.

i see the challenges that Kalipimu is struggling with. takes one to know one. it is a good mirror. it wasn’t that long ago that i was in that same boat. or at least a very similar one. to apparently stumble upon such a profound practice. to allow it inside. to embody it. to allow it to transform you. shedding off masks that no longer serve. it's like you don't know where it ends and you begin. it's easy to get lost in the gratitude and the speed and the form. and the politics. and the personalities. and the politics of personalities. it is easy to hold disdain for the group process.

eternally grateful to my Center. relationship!!! my warriorship training continues to help guide me. this fearless life i lead did not happen by accident. and despite my deep, deep love and appreciation for my Center, i intuitively, i knew i had to leave it. honestly, it was like i needed to know that i could. that i would allow myself. that i would love myself that much. that i would love my Center that much.

in a way, i think i was getting too comfortable. could rest on my laurels even. i could have stayed. and could have continued doing amazing, amazing work. noble work. could have been lulled into believing that i had found paradise. to the untrained eye, everything would appear smooth, perfect.

and there would be this part of me that would wonder...
are you here because you want to be here?
are you here because you are scared to venture out?
are you using your spiritual practice as another way to distract?

i remember there was an internal negotiation.

karen:
you could stay. noble work is being done, right? it will be so hard for everyone if you go. just stay. your Community needs you. your Teacher needs you. the Center is at a critical point. stay. stay. stay. you know how this goes. it's safe here.

Muki:
yes, you could stay. and then what? what are you avoiding, dearest? there is something for us in the philippines. there is no shortage of noble work to be done. the pain you will feel in leaving is the suffering that leads to freedom. the pain you will feel and cause in staying out of fear is the suffering that leads to more suffering. you know what to do. you even know that you can do it well. this is a good teaching for you. this is a good teaching for the Community. think, dearest, when you return, it will indeed be from a powerful place. you will return of your own volition. it will be because you freely chose it. this is how revolutions are sustained. it is a burn that starts slow, low. little by little. tend this fire carefully and patiently, so that it can burn bright and true and long. master this art of firetending.

Inang Bayan has called me here to learn this, too. upon taking my leave, she encouraged me to do it responsibly.

she asked,
“can you even leave? Muki, can you leave this Home? this place where your formal spiritual training has incarnated? where you have a Sangha that can hold you? where you have a Teacher who will never leave you? where you have a strong and sound container for Practice? where you are already seen as a leader, a healer? can you leave as your Community approaches a milestone point in her evolution?”

i remember thinking,
“Ina, i don’t know if i can leave, though every fiber in my body says it is time to try. i know that warriorship is my path. the Mitra said that there are many ways down the mountain. that the whole point is NOT to reach the top and stay there. after reaching the pinnacle, a bodhisattva comes back down to point the way. i only know one way. and, if i am to become a Teacher, too, it would serve to know what other paths exist. so, yes, Ina, i can leave. it is time for me to do so.”

she said,
“can you leave well? can you honor yourself, the Dharma, your Teacher, your Sangha by leading by example? can you be honest about your process? transparent, even? can you privilege being in relationship above all else? can you hand over your responsibilities in a good way? can you find the courage within you to say the things that need to be said and hold things that need to be held? can you tolerate the pain of separating from these precious Beings? can you tolerate the pain others feel as you leave? can you learn to trust the wisdom teachings offered to you by your Community with humility, with grace?”

i answered,
“Ina, i am determined to leave well. it is painful, yes. this is an important teaching; otherwise, my spirituality will be my new prison. Mitra has always said to self liberate, even from the antidote.”

self liberate, even from the antidote.
i feel like i've finally arrived in the Philippines.


***
note:
Muki is my nickname at my Center.
it is short for Muktayani, which means "vehicle of freedom" in sanskrit.
this dharma name was given to me by my Teacher when i formally took up the Student Path.