out

i want out.
good thing i know that this is just a feeling.
and i am not my feelings.
but, shit.
this is hard.

i don’t even know what to say.
or how to say it.

trying to find my rhythm here.
it’s hard to find, for all the fear.

certainly feeling fear.
and loneliness.
this annhilation space.
i know this place.
it is a place where courage is born.

what did pema say again?

pg.9 when things fall apart
“only to the extent that we expose ourselves over and over to annihilation can that which is indestructible be found in us.”

finished the warrior book this morning.
potent stuff.
the section on the frontier (aka the Unknown) spoke to me particularly this morning.
pg. 231 the craft of the warrior

“crossing the border into the unknown is always a test of the warrior’s training and skill. confusion and fear usually accompany the warrior and common man alike in crossing the frontier, but how people act after that is key. the ordinary person is likely to be frozen with fear, to be blinded by confusion, and to retreat. the warrior has a momentous skill in that he knows what to do when he does not know what to do. as in the rest of his life, the warrior responds strategically to the situation. his strategy includes the following elements:

1. recognizing that the feelings of confusion and panic mean that he has crossed the frontier. the warriors does not indulge in the feelings but moves beyond them.

2. shifting to higher levels of awarness of self and surroundings. he gathers information about the new situation instead of relying on old data from the known.

3. relying on internal rather than external reference points. he realizes that familiar external landmarks do not exist in the unknown.

4. not-doing of habitual responses. he understands new circumstances call for flexibility and choice.

knowing what to do when you don’t know what to do allows you to journey into the unknown, use expanded perception to enhance your relationship with the universe, and return to the known claiming knowledge as power.

the warrior’s particular path often determines where he crosses into the unknown. Castaneda spoke of the warrior finding and following his path with heart, which means taking a direction that gives meaning and purpose to one’s life. a person is, of course, free to select any path, and all paths ultimately lead to the same end anyway—death. so, it is really a question of how one wants to live…”

so, this annihilation space is not new for me.
dare i say, it’s becoming more familiar.
i recognize it for what it is.
a portal.
an opportunity to shed another layer.
an opportunity to practice discernment.
and compassion.
and goodness, patience.

and patience.

and, hell, some more patience.

darling self, the answers are coming.
you are actually creating them.
co-creating them with the Universe.
you are living them.
remember to smile.
and enjoy the view.
love, love, love yourself.
there is no other way to do this sustainably.

forgive your missteps.
forgive your arrogance.
forgive your fear.
and forgive it in others.

did all my laundry by hand yesterday.
it smells like sunshine and a little like dust.

ate hot pan de sal this morning from the bakery ten steps away from the clinic.

next step to set up the kitchen.
faucet leaks.
roof leaks.
ipis.

off to dau.
(yoga, i’m coming…promise.)