dip is deep

i have this random textmate that sends me messages every so often.
i have no idea who this person is or how they got my number.

the texts usually have a religious flavor to them.
and they are almost always in english.
and, it's funny because they have this uncanny timing.

here's the latest:

wnevr u dnt undrstnd wats hpening n ur lyf
u jz hv 2 cLse ur eyes
tke a dip breath & say
"LORD, i knw it's ur plan,
jst help me thru it!"
gud am!

/|\

roused again

woke up this morning at around 3am.
my room was so hot.
and someone was pulling my energy from the states.
was it you?

clarity

it is not enough for me to have clarity; though it is an essential step.
clarity allows me to see...
my past.
my present.
clarity leads me to my vision of my future.

an authentic existence.
a Path of wholeness, of Service.
clarity also allows me to see my choices and their impact, their ripple effect.
clarity also allows me to see my interdependence, my place in the Cosmos.

i also need commitment.

commitment to maintaining the clarity.
commitment to positioning myself so that my vision is realized.

by any means necessary.

this doesn't mean that i allow myself to leave a trail of bodies in my wake.
i am certainly capable of doing it that way.

no, instead, i practice fierce Compassion.
and nurture my discipline to stay the course.
to get up when i fall.
and i fall often.
to choose this way of life each and every day, every moment.

my dear friend, Amy, emailed the other day.
sabi niya, " I feel more and more strongly that the best way to live this life is to put down the things that take away my clarity, even my own passion."

i am struck by her words.
this is the stuff of deep, deep Love.

virgen de guadalupe

went for a long bike ride today.
found a monastary.
asked to be let in.
Sister Irene brought me to the chapel and sat with me while i sobbed.
afterwards, she fed me star apple and sampaloc juice.
Ina, Ina.

bulan

my friend, rowell, sang me this song in kapampangan the other day.
it is from a father to his son, upon finding themselves separated.
i'm not sure why they were separated.
there are an infinite number of reasons, i guess.

bulan

potang malungkut ka
potang tatakut ka
potang paintunan mu ku
lumwal ka, talanga ka

akit me ing bulan
a masala, karin mikit kata
eneka tumakut, ena ku naman
migaganaka uling balu ku
balang bengi mikikit kata
king lalam ning bulan a masala

marayu kamaw kabug ning
salu mu, sainsing mu
fanandaman ku balu ku
aintingdyan ku

akit me ing bulan
a masala, karin mikit kata
eneka tumakut, ena ku naman
migaganaka uling balu ku
balang bengi mikikit kata
king lalam ning bulan a masala

parati mu sang tandanan
muran man, atyu ya
ing bulan

***
moon

when you are sad
when you are scared
when you are looking for me
go out and look


you will see the moon so bright
there we’ll meet
you will fear no more
and i won’t worry about you

because i know
every night we see each other under the bright moon

even though you are far away
your heartbeat
your sigh
i hear

i know
i understand

you will see the moon so bright
there we’ll meet
you will fear no more
and i won’t worry about you

always remember even if it rains, the moon is just there.

skeletons

i see the closet doors out of my periphery.
my heart beats faster as i know i will be opening them soon.

what will i do with what i find in there?
why has no one spoken of them?
why did they pretend they were not there?

there is nothing to "do," per se.
and there is much to know, to get to know.

i've been so busy doing other things.
i am reminded that this is also part of my work here.

okay.

kuwintas

the scent of nag champa doesn't make me sad anymore.
i burn a little bit everyday, and i remember the unflappable.
it strengthens my resolve.
and i smile.

i remember the laughter.
and the love.
the jokes and fun of long ago.
not that long ago.
lifetimes ago.

i remember the ease.
and i wonder when we'll find it again.

until then, i look at the moon.
until then, i continue to put one foot in front of the other.

i marvel how the love doesn't change.

i wear mine, too.

san valentin

i just had one of the best v-days in a looong time.
wasn't planning on doing anything.
actually wanted to kinda disregard the whole v-day thing altogether...

except everyone around me was wearing red.
and greeting, "happy valentimes!"
and asking me stuff like, "ano, ate karen, may valentine ka ba?
sabi ko, "wala ho. pero okay lang yun."
sabi nila, "di bale, hinanap kita."

was all ready to spend a quiet night at home.
"watch" a movie and do paperwork.
was going to catch up on clinic stuff.
no shortage of things to do...

actually thursdays are one my favorite days at the clinic.
the two thursday physical therapists are great.
one is Estong.
the other is Michelle.

riot naman si Estong talaga.
tawang tawa kami si Michelle.

corny, corny pinoy jokes all day long.
"ang corny!"
come to think of it, he and Nathanel would have a field day marathon.
they also have great rapport with the clients and their families.

turns out Estong can also play the guitar and sing.
so, pagkatapos ang clinic namin, nag song hits kami.
for the past two thursdays, Estong has brought a plastic shopping bag full of song hits.
worn out and tattered, the stack of song hits magazines are a treasure trove of guitar tab and lyrics.
tagalog songs, love songs, folk, pop, oldies, hip hop even.
i really love hanging out with musicians.

on thursdays, the three of us go out to lunch together.
always to armi's carinderia.
the three of us somehow manage to fit onto Estong's scooter.
Michelle crouched in front.
Estong in the middle, driving.
me in the back.

then we order tortang talong, lechon paksiw, pusong saging, sisig, meatballs, pinakbet, beef caldereta, sinigang...
whatever strikes our fancy that particular day.
ako, palagi, nag order ako ng lechon paksiw at kalahating order na pusong saging.
sarap!

always a liter of pepsi to share.
(to think i RARELY drank soda before this trip)

atsaka tatlong kanin.

the tv is usually on tuned into the lunchtime program variety show/game show.
we call out the answers to the quiz questions.
i feel embarrassed when the show host pokes fun at the contestants and makes them dance to sexy music.
after lunch, we go back to the clinic and do song hits and our charting, in that order.

in the middle of song hits, i got a two texts.
one was from Reimon, wanting to drop by the clinic for a valentine's hug, as he made his way back to manila.
the other from Maryan, inviting me to an arty, foodie, concert taking place at the angeles museum.

by the time song hits ended and charting was done, it was around 4pm.
naligo ako.

Reimon and his driver Kuya Eugene showed up as the sun was setting.
i invited Reimon to the angeles museum thing.
we exchanged our vday hug, and he gave me a small gift bag filled with pastillas, saging, and (jyesss, ang bagong favorite ko) passionfruit. also a pirated copy of brokeback mountain, a movie that we were wanting to see together last week. we had this long conversation on longing kasi, and we thought that that movie captured it, heartbreakingly so.

around 5:30pm is when people start buying and preparing for dinner.
vendors sell garlic peanuts, fish balls, balut, boiled corn, etc. in the streets.
the sun is setting and it is cool. people are out in droves.
as we left madapdap, we bought corn and peanuts.

as we drove towards angeles, the sky was lit up with setting sunlight. the high clouds caught the light and reflected back pinks and yellows.

"let's watch the sunset!"

"sige, where's a good place?"

"let's find a hill. or a bridge."

the sun waits for no one.
nary a hill nor a bridge could be found fast enough.
we pulled off the road into the middle of a sugar cane field.

Kuya Eugene magically produced (as he is wont to do) two chairs out of nowhere.
we sat and munched on corn and roasted peanuts and sipped prado basil tea from a yellow thermos.

we laughed as Eugene snapped our photo in the middle of the sugar cane field.
talagang production number ito.
our conversation meandered from topic to topic. we laughed and were quiet.
a swarm of mosquitos hovered and spiraled near my head, but didn't bite me.

sappy tagalog love songs were playing from the pick up.
we made fun of them and pretended that we didn't know who sang them.
the sheltering sky bade us farewell.
and the moon came out, right above our heads.
"hello Beautiful," i whispered to her.

Reimon was craving chickenjoy from jollibee.
so we went to dau, and i had my very first chickenjoy.
it was so amusing to eat fastfood with him kasi, whenever we are together, it is usually organic this, biodynamic that.

afterwards, it was 8pm.
he dropped me off at the museum.
he had to get back to manila so Eugene and his wife could celebrate valentine's day.

celebrated v-day again with the Tayags.
met 4 or 5 of Claude's siblings. (12 all together!)
and mga pamangkin.
and his ina.

Maryan made kwento-kwento about watching the recent senate hearings live.
the music floated up to us from below.
Maryan made buffalo chicken wings and boasted that she is a better cook than Claude.
they were good ha.
nice cheeses.
and wine.
a full, full evening.
Claude made baon for me with all the leftover things that don't need refrigeration.
he was really thoughtful.
alam niya, wala pa akong ref, eh.
they dropped me home at 11pm, i think the latest i've been home to the clinic.

got online and chatted and talked and skyped.
that was five hours ago.
left the house, Joy!
now, i just gotta remember to get some sleep!

ostrich

my friend Leny came to visit me yesterday.
it was surreal.
i was just at her house last month in sonoma.
then, here she is in pampanga.
we went to paradise ranch in clark.
and saw ostrich.
and butterflies.
and an eagle that turned out to be a hawk.
and a swan that turned out to be a duck.
i found three brown feathers with white polka dots.
i tucked them away in my elephant box.

got internet at the clinic two days ago.
yiyeh.
my friend Joy said, "remember to leave the house every once in a while."
oo nga.
tama.
well, i went to the ranch.
that counts.

moon

i thought the moon was waning.
hindi pala.
she is waxing.
i look up and greet her each night.
and think of you.

progress

from astro.com today:

Easy progress ***

Valid during many months: At this time you have the chance to get in touch with your innermost psychological being and experience your real emotions. You can understand your real motives and the basis of your unconscious compulsions and drives. You will experience your emotions as profound, real and intense, but not difficult. Because of this you can learn about aspects of your personality that are normally hidden even from yourself. This is an excellent time for encountering philosophies of human potential and growth. But you won't have to deal with it abstractly, because even in your everyday relationships you will handle people with much more emotional depth and feeling than usual.
This influence can affect your personal and domestic life as well as your innermost psychological nature. It gives the opportunity to make creative changes and reforms in your relationships with the people you see every day, such as your family, relatives and parents. You may make physical changes in your home that reflect the changes taking place within you, so that your immediate surroundings more closely harmonize with your feelings.

But there is little sense of turmoil with this influence. You have a strong sense of belonging, and those who are close to you support the changes that are happening inside you, which makes it easier to progress. Past conditioning, which often causes difficulties by generating inappropriate behavior, will actually give you a boost now. You have a strong feeling that you have something to fall back on, and that whatever you have to do will work out favorably. But you will not be run by past conditioning. Because even as it operates, you can see its actions and understand it.

Activity period from beginning of February 2008 until beginning of December 2009.

february

is there something about february that is just ridiculous?

i remember last year's february was so difficult for me.

this year is no exception.

i am racking my brains.
wanting to tear my hair out.

actually wanting to tear my heart out.

don't want to feel right now.
want to check out.
and be numb.

want to run away from my responsibilities.
want to abandon Mayora.

i swear the hardest thing about this "whole thing" has been my relationship with her.
stuff around money lately.

SCARCITY IS A MYTH.
EVERYTHING DOES NOT NEED TO BE A BLOODY BATTLE TO THE DEATH.

i think about my Center in berkeley.
how i worked out a lot of my tightness around money there.
how heartbreaking it is to be on the receiving end of behavior so instilled in fear
and investment in fear
and so little trust nor venue for conversation about it.
sabi ni Mayora kasi, "if there are issues here, they are YOURS, not mine."

naku, i know that place.
and i recognize the impact of my privilege (money, class, nationality, mobility, etc.) in all of this.
haaay, it's so complicated.

i remember what my Mitra said before i left this last time.

she said, "Muki, take care of Muki."

i hear her voice now.
see the look on her face.
deep love, concern, encouragement, acknowledgement of the pain, without my having said anything about it.
all with a look.
her eyes see through my brave front.
could actually feel her empathy, as she knows this Path is not an easy one.
she knows because she has walked it before.
wish i could hug her now.
or lean my head on her shoulder while she watches heroes or csi or 24 or whatever.
she can have similar energy to Mayora with one important difference.

when we do our work at the Center, if she saw someone (and there was always someone!) working themselves from an unsustainable place, from a place of anger or violence, after a bit, if they didn't self-correct their course or if the Community didn't step up and ask the hard questions, she would say, "just stop. let the project go."

even if it was really important to our growth.
even if it was really important to our Community.
even if outside agencies were depending on us.
even if "so much good" would come out of it.
even if there was little to no chance that the beneficiaries of the work would ever know nor likely care HOW the work was actually completed.

Mitra said, "if our work comes from an unsustainable place, it actually sows the seeds for more violence, which is why we find ourselves in this kind of world."

she said, "i would rather see you give it up than do it that way. i'll let this whole thing fall to the ground, if need be."

and she really meant it.
i didn't believe her at first.
who really says that and means it?
people SAY that, and when it comes right down to it, it's the bottom line. it's always the bottom line.

no, no.
my Mitra is the real deal.
she means it.
she means it with every fiber of her Being.
and it comes from a place of deep Love.
and fierce Compassion.

i've seen it.
i've experienced it.
and i realize deeper and deeper how precious that is to me.
and how rare indeed.

i want to abandon Mayora, and i know i won't.
see, i walk a different way now.
it's about relationship.
i will do as my Teacher has instructed me.

Muki, take care of Muki.
and, in doing this, i will be able to see more clearly.
and find the courage to ask the hard questions.
and ask in a good way.
not in a fit of rage or hurt.
and it may be that i choose to leave Mayora, not abandon her.

earlier, i slipped on these foam tiles that line the floor of the clinic.
was going too fast.
took a fall on the cement.
will be sore tomorrow.
bruised, too, prolly.

slow down, Beautiful.
smile.
enjoy this too, if you can.

supposed to go to Prado tonight.
cancelled.
the thought of climbing into a jeep, then a bus, and then trying to find my way in the dark makes me feel nauseated.
will stay put tonight.
will walk to the park.
look at the moon.
and find some calamares and buko juice for dinner.

choice

the Universe is teaching me about choice.

i am surrounded by delicious choices.

in the past, choice seemed easier.
kasi, it was between something kinda horrendous and barely tolerable.

easy, right?
barely tolerable.

now, the choices that i am faced with are not so black and white.
they are complex, round, equal parts joy and pain.
and really delicious.

what do i REALLY want to do?
is this how i want to spend my time?
is this what i want to be doing?
is this who i want to be doing it with?

these are the questions i swirl around in my head.
i cannot answer these questions when i am swept away by my emotions.
need a degree of stillness and calm to be able to consider these important questions.

i don't know, until i know.
until i know, i'll stay this course.
no wrong answer here, Muki.

will keep asking the questions...
and live the answers.

patience, darling Self.
kaya mo ito.

ease

another shift has happened in this extraordinary, ordinary life of mine.
last tuesday, i was up to my eyeballs in stress, overwhelm, disappointment, confusion, grief...

i realized how much energy it takes to be angry.
and how much energy it takes to be angry and pretend that i'm not so much.
and how much energy it takes to be angry, pretend that i'm not not so much while trying to find a constructive way to move through it that doesn't involve dramatics or violence.

i went to bed that night and wondered how to stop.
i realized that i need to be even more intentional in how i spend my time and energies.
i realized that my anger was consuming my precious resources.

the next day, i was pensive.
still brooding.
moving through it.
talked with friends about how i was feeling.
sat in meditation in the morning.
cried.
wrote.
sobbed.
sang.
cleaned.
drummed.
napped
listened.
hugged myself.
rocked myself.
soothed myself.

somewhere between sleep and waking the next morning, the anger left.
it was such a strange feeling to have her gone.
at first, i didn't believe.
oh, she's around here somewhere.
she can't have left.
i realized in, in a way, i kinda missed her.
just a little.
and just for a few seconds.
then, it was more a reactive panic.
where IS she?
is she really gone?

yes.
she is.

Mayora

we are more alike than different.
one of the most challenging relationships in my life right now.

anger.
trauma.
fear.

expectations.

release.
transform.

love.
remember.
re-member.

forgive.
forgive.
forgive.

passionfruit

ate it fresh for the first time the other day.
atsaka biodynamic pala.

naku.
bagong favorite ko na ito.

how do you eat it, i asked?
"it's easy," said Reimon.

score it like this.
pull it apart.
open up the white membrane thingy.
scoop it out with a spoon and eat it in one bite, seeds and all.

the fruit is surprisingly...greyish.
parang brains daw.
oo, tama.
reminds me of that one john cusack movie where his mom makes this dinner that sprouts legs and crawls away.

but, the taste.
it's so googey.
and sweet.
and distinct.
and round.
the seeds are crunchy and their acidity balance the sweet.
i like the feel of my teeth crunching the seeds.
i expect them to be harder than they really are.
pleased that they aren't.
i make myself stop after three.
sarap talaga.

nag champa

araw-araw, magsisindi ako ng insenso.
kumakapit ang bango sa aking balat.
malakas yung katahimikan mo.
ang sagot din ng katahimikan, eh.

parehong pareho ang pagibig ko.
kasi, puno ng kahulugan siya.
atsaka taimtim din siya.
walang hanggan, eh.

kinakalagan ko ang hapdi ng kalooban.
hindi ko na muling kailangan,eh.

walang tigil, walang maliw ang pagibig ko sa iyo.
palagi.
paalam...
paalam...
bumibitiw ako sa iyo.

internet

been wanting to get internet at the clinic.

there are times when i've wanted to google something really bad...
or blog.
or gmail chat.
or skype.
and i didn't want to haul my butt to the internet cafe.
it is within walking distance naman.
often they are crowded and noisy.
young men playing shooting games and swearing in tagalog and kapampangan.
young women online dating.
families talking with their ofw loved ones.
friendster, multiply, facebook, etc...

filled out an application online right when i landed back in the philippines.
on thursday, benedict, the manager of smart wireless, nepo mall, angeles came by the clinic so i could fill out a paper application and pay my first month's service charge of P999.

the installers came by later that evening to install it.
i was so excited.
at last...

it was a big production to get the antennae up.
people came out of their houses to watch the technician go up on the roof.
i was afraid that the corrugated steel roof was going to cave in when he stepped on it. it made a terrific racket.

pinoys are so curious.
one man came into the porch and was peering through my bedroom window to watch them set it up on my laptop.
i had to gently shoo him away.
"huwag na po."
so much for keeping it a secret that i have a computer in the clinic.

anyway, they had a hard time setting it up.
it took about an hour.
wrong part, wrong line, change this hardware, switch this, etc.

after it was all said and done, they had to take it all down.
the signal was too weak.

THE SIGNAL WAS TOO WEAK.
disappointment.
big time.
sadness.
frustration.
anger.

so, i had internet for a minute.
and then i didn't.

the technician recommended that i go through comclark instead.
their office is in sm clark.
two jeepney rides, 45 minutes, and P30 (one way) away.

okay.

i resolved to get up the next morning and go first thing, as i wanted to get the clinic organized.

i woke up the next morning.
and my face felt funny. swollen.
my arms too.
apparently i was the main course for some mosquitos the night before.
i looked like frankenstein.

so much for leaving first thing.
i wasn't sure if i wanted to leave the house.
i think i had something like 3 bites on my face.
left eye, third eye, and nose.
6 on my arms.

i called my friend joy back, as she called the night before when i was in the throes of depression. i recanted the tale to her and she sympathized. we had to call each other back 4 or 5 times because the call kept dropping. we laughed each time because i said, "see? the signal is too weak. good thing i didn't get internet!" plus, i ran out of load.

haaay.
so, the swelling went down that afternoon, at least enough so that i felt i could venture out of the house.
found the comclark office.
in order to apply, i need proof that i own the house, a utilities bill in my name, and valid id.

i don't own the house.
ate tey does.
the utilities bills are in her name; though i pay them.

so, when i see her next week, i'll ask her if she will go with me to angeles so we can apply for internet. will be an expensive endeavor.

will need to go to smart wireless in angeles, nepo mall in two weeks to get my refund.

grrr.
i don't even know where the nepo mall is.
i guess i'll find out in two weeks.

write

so many things go through my head.
i've been trying to sit and write.
been having a hard time.
everytime, i sit down, i pop back up again.
restless.

been spending the last two days organizing and cleaning up the clinic.
while i was gone, my things were shifted around.
construction dust everywhere.
i'll feel more settled when things are put away, i think.
i'm so particular about my things.
it's kind of funny.
my virgo, i guess.
of course brought back a bunch of stuff with me.
i won't be needing cotton rounds nor dental floss for at least 6 months, i think.

need to get a bookshelf made.
(i wonder how much that will cost...)
many, many books.
looking forward to study.
actually looking forward to learning calculus and physics.
didn't stick the first time around kasi.
also have precept study with my fellow Students from the Center.

brought back with me a bunch of my art supplies.
will be painting and drawing again.
looking forward to playing.
Cez and i have agreed to play and take pictures of our works and email them every third saturday of the month.

been working with a ridiculous schedule as of late.
going back and forth to manila, something like 3 times in the last week.
birthday parties, dinners, and despedidas.
so badly wanted to skip out, but in the end, decided to go to all of them.
it's all about relationships.

agnes turned 40. 80's party at club mwah. fake lacoste and sweater tied around my shoulders. danced the night away to depeche mode, cindi lauper, etc. honestly, 80's fashion is wrong. many were sporting some mighty big shoulder pads that night. and side ponytails. and neon. what the hell were we thinking?

ate jovy turned 60. party at their house in antipolo. her cake was in the shape of a woman's torso, in a bikini. very strange. got all tearful, as her kids put together a slide show of their family photos. it was really beautiful. and of course, i missed my family all the more...

alan turned...well, i'm not allowed to say. but we celebrated his birthday at his friend's huge condo near ortigas. they go to film school together, and this place was all tricked out with dvd's galore (original, not pirated!), projection screens, computers, etc. met some very fine folk.

nathanel is back in the states. despedida was at UP. played guitar, sang songs, met more fine folk, and ate good food. japanese curry veggies and noodles. ube and buko pie, too.

cousin ohmar visted from the states. had dinner with him at shangri-la. then spent the night at the mandarin oriental before back to the clinic in the early morning. what a contrast that is.

congresswoman etta rosales and other important visitors came to the clinic, too. perhaps, some good will come of their coming. hopefully some funding and connections to local government and health agencies. will be organizing trips to the orthopedic surgeon and pediatrician for this month and could use some support in providing transportations for all the little ones and their mothers.

much to do for the clinic. need to draw up contracts for our amazing physical therapists, write a letter of intent to partner with angeles university foundation, home visits, charting, revamp the charting system, budget stuff, monthly reports to write, buy clinic supplies in manila and angeles...and on and on.

it's busy now.
once systems are in place, it won't feel so hectic.

it's been good to have a bit of solitude.
time to nap.
and just be quiet.
started meditating again.
will likely start up morning yoga next week.
will be cleansing, too.
soon, soon.

Cez texted the other day, "i feel like i am celebrating and struggling at the same time."

yah, i know the feeling.