C.R. Favila

namatay na si Lola.
uuwi kami si mommy sa january 3.
parang numb ako.
babalik ako so negros ulit.
negros ulit na naman.

nagsindi na ako ng kandila para kay Lola.
kulay pula.

twilight

it's 1:43am again.
it's like i don't want to get on a regular sked.

when will sleep come?

lola will transition in the next couple of days.
she stopped eating.

For auld lang syne, my dear,
for auld lang syne,
we'll take a cup of kindness yet,
for auld lang syne.

smiling underneath

ani d. does it again.

***

I don't mind waiting in line
no, no
I don't mind if the bills pile up and the work is slow
I don't mind the gas or the groceries or the grind
as long as i'm with you I'm having a good time

I don't mind the stoner waiter or the poorly cooked food
I don't mind little miss kitty or her knucklehead dude
I don't mind if every last person here is ugly and rude
long as I'm with you I got a good attitude
long as I'm with you

We could be stuck in traffic for over a week
with a car full of quintuplets who are all cutting teeth
and around my neck could be a flaming Christmas wreath
and I'd be smiling under
smiling underneath

I don't mind waking up early for a flight that's delayed
I don't mind our weeks vacation is chilly and gray
I don't mind the traffic cops or the TSA
long as I'm with you I'm having a good day
long as I'm with you

I don't mind spilling my hot sauce on my white shirt
I don't mind that twinge when I walk in that knee that I hurt
I don't mind my gums peeling back or my hair getting thin
long as I'm with you, I win
long as I'm with you

We could be stuck in traffic for over a week
with a car full of Quintuplets who are all cutting teeth
and around my neck could be a flaming Christmas wreath
and I'd be smiling under
smiling under
smiling underneath

musings on love

i'm not as itchy or wheezy.
that's good.

i am restless tho.
i want answers.
i want answers.
but, i don't know them.

i'm in deep shit.
with...
well, with myself.
i've been horribly slack with my "homework" from my teacher training.

i attended the first 2 week block for this Waldorf teacher training that i am taking in the Philippines.
and, we have all this homework which i haven't really done.
it's daily exercises and activities.
ugh.
and it's not the kind you can fake.
not that i really want to fake it.
well, not anymore.

gotta get back up on the horse.

but, it's like this.
my life is chaotic.
well, if not chaotic, then certainly, um, what's the word?

unpredictible?
unconventional?
erratic?
unstable?

those all sound negative.

but, it's also
delicious.
not boring.
varied.
free.

i visited my sister and her husband and their new baby.
and everything is so settled with them.
house.
cars,
baby.
jobs.
retirement.
savings.
stuff.

there is a part of me that longs for this, um, what is the word?
security?
predictablity?
stability?
settled-ness?

and then, there's this other part of me that says, "No, Muki, you don't really want that. At least not now."
but, ano?
soon?

i think about all the people that i have loved.
the poet.
the drummer.
the artist.
the farmer.

i still love them.

and i think of the people i'm dating.
the musician.
the kagawad.

i love them, too.
but differently.

i'm seeing my patterns.
i have this great capacity for love.
and i am such a passionate person.
and i'm learning to wield this thing that i am, that i do, more responsibly.

i can be such a tsunami, even to myself.
especially to myself.
so much water in me.
cue that one mat kearney song,
"all your ways and all your thunder,
got me in a haze running for cover,
where we gonna go from here?
where we gonna go from here?"

i can get so caught up in the future.
i worry that i'm not doing what it is i'm supposed to be doing (sacred contractually speaking...)
i've decided not to worry about that so much anymore.
because, it's an energy leak.
well, at least i've made the decision.
it's one of those simple but not easy things.

and also...
i'm doing exactly what i'm supposed to be doing.
it's difficult for me because i feel so aimless.
but when i step back (that is when i remember to step back),
i realize i do have direction (however broad...)

freedom beyond hope and fear.
my Teacher gave a dharma talk about that once.
i'll listen to it again, with new ears, wiser heart.

i do long to feel settled, even if i never do.
i do want a child.
i do want to make a decision about my life work.
i do want to be in a healthy, spiritual, nurturing, growthful, passionate, steady, honest, loving, and equal partnership.
these things are all true.

so, i'll just keep keepin' on.
i'll just keep going.
and then, the answers will come.
and with the answers will come more questions.

like the tide.
like the moon.
like plants.
like the breath.
like the breath.

hives have hives

i forgot how inflammatory i can get.
this happens when i come back to the states for a visit.
i get hives, especially when i am visiting with my family.
they are the painful kind, the indurated kind.
i get them all over.
my trunk, my legs, my arms...
even my eyelids, i think.

it is stressful for me to come back.
my rhythms get all messed up.
it's like i forget how to orient myself.
or maybe it's like, i can't find north,
or which way is up.

i'm so itchy.
this body is so wise.
she does this when there is something to look at,
when i am avoiding something.

my last year of nursing school, they used to call me "Hiver."
my yearlong healing (2004-2005) crisis time, my hives were rampant, relentless.
i would hide them with long sleeves.
i felt like scratching through my skin in a vain effort to stop the pain.
it would be so bad, i would force myself to sleep to numb out.

and i remember, visualizing a cooling energy that would soothe.
i can't breathe here.
i miss the Philippines.

there.
i said it.

i saw my friend Venus yesterday.
she asked me if i was going to stay in the Philippines for good.
"Ah, ah. hindi ko alam. tignan natin..."
backpedal, backpedal.
the commitment-phobe shows her stripes.
why is it so hard for me to say?

well, 'cause i don't know.
or i don't want to know.
still haven't decided.

i don't belong here.
not now.

advice

today, i've looked at myself in the mirror several times.
right in the eye.
i even raise my right hand, pointer finger extended (for emphasis),
and i say,
" do not settle, Muki."

do not settle.
you are amazing.
and beautiful.
and extraordinary.

and your person is out there.
and, when it is time, and not a moment before, you will meet.

in the meantime, just keep going.

i realized today how difficult it is for me to be back in the states.
there are many painful memories of when i have settled.

perhaps what is most difficult is that i realize that i have been on the brink of doing it all over again.
this time, though, with a little bit more sophistication and more elaborate smokescreen.
i am in danger of repeating this mistake, and i must just stop.

just stop.

Mitra always said, "don't believe your own bullshit."
i so want to.

but, i'll just stop instead.
and with this little big act of courage, i inch my way closer and closer to Awakening.

i remember this quote from Chogyam Trungpa:

"when you walk into this world of reality, the greater or cosmic world, you will find the way to rule your world - but, at the same time, you will also find a sense of aloneness. it is possible that this world could become a palace or kingdom to you, but as its king or queen, you will be a monarch with a broken heart."

i have a feeling that i will be looking at myself in the eye several more times in the next coming months.

j-lagged

it's so quiet here, sometimes, i can hear this high pitched tone in my ears.

no breeze in the trees.
no roosters crowing at all hours.
no smoke from burning leaves and trash.
no scraping of the walis on the pavement.
no sound of water sloshing in the bucket at the pump.
no rumbling of the tricycles riding past.
nor the acrid smell of sewage and greywater in the canals that line the streets.
i am hermetically sealed in this southern california townhouse that belongs to my sister and her husband.

there are these stirrings that i've felt lately, in the last few months, whose fire is so poignantly stoked by the birth of Olive.
Olive isn't her official birth certificate name.
it's the name that i call her.
it's the one that i had lea solonga write the autograph to, for her first birth day present, as we were on the same PAL flight from manila to los angeles.

i catch the whiff of domestication, here, stateside, especially.
it's like i breathe in a few molecules of it, and as soon as they hit the back of my throat....
i remember.
like it was yesterday.

i had a husband once.
and money.
and an apartment full of really nice things.
in san francisco.
i went out to fancy dinners.
and didn't worry too much about money.
i had a steady job, working in the hospital.
we had a dog.
and dreams of growing old together.
and kids someday.
and in-laws and holidays and family trips and long drives.

it was a relatively safe life.
and fairly predictable to boot.
the highs didn't get too high.
the lows didn't get too low.
something to be said about the dependability of mediocracy.

and the highs kinda started flattening out.
and the lows got lower...
and
lower
and
lower.

and this life almost killed me.
because this wasn't the life i was meant to lead, not like this.
and yet, there is this part of me that yearns for this "safety."

i want to have a child.
and this scares me a bit.
such a large responsibility.
will i ever find a suitable partner?
i hope so.

my rhythm has been off and my life chaotic since the first block of the teacher training ended.
afterwards, i went to negros.
then back to luzon.
then now in the states.
then...
then...
then...

sleep erratic.
eating erratic.
thinking erratic.
everything erratic.

will do yoga tomorrow to help stabilize.
and won't eat so darn much.
breathe, breathe.
out, then in.
then out.
then in.
over
and
over...

and
over
again.

i'll work my way out of this tailspin, i know.
it's just feels so dang hard.

birth day

i'm a tita!

just met my new niece.
she was born two hours ago.
she's so beautiful.
and...
amazing.

actually no words describe this feeling.
it's a curious mixture of hope and heartbreak.

she came one month early.

Baby Dear, what world are you inheriting?
i'll do my best to make it a better place for us.
you'll help too, i know.

i have spoken.
welcome.