musings on love

i'm not as itchy or wheezy.
that's good.

i am restless tho.
i want answers.
i want answers.
but, i don't know them.

i'm in deep shit.
with...
well, with myself.
i've been horribly slack with my "homework" from my teacher training.

i attended the first 2 week block for this Waldorf teacher training that i am taking in the Philippines.
and, we have all this homework which i haven't really done.
it's daily exercises and activities.
ugh.
and it's not the kind you can fake.
not that i really want to fake it.
well, not anymore.

gotta get back up on the horse.

but, it's like this.
my life is chaotic.
well, if not chaotic, then certainly, um, what's the word?

unpredictible?
unconventional?
erratic?
unstable?

those all sound negative.

but, it's also
delicious.
not boring.
varied.
free.

i visited my sister and her husband and their new baby.
and everything is so settled with them.
house.
cars,
baby.
jobs.
retirement.
savings.
stuff.

there is a part of me that longs for this, um, what is the word?
security?
predictablity?
stability?
settled-ness?

and then, there's this other part of me that says, "No, Muki, you don't really want that. At least not now."
but, ano?
soon?

i think about all the people that i have loved.
the poet.
the drummer.
the artist.
the farmer.

i still love them.

and i think of the people i'm dating.
the musician.
the kagawad.

i love them, too.
but differently.

i'm seeing my patterns.
i have this great capacity for love.
and i am such a passionate person.
and i'm learning to wield this thing that i am, that i do, more responsibly.

i can be such a tsunami, even to myself.
especially to myself.
so much water in me.
cue that one mat kearney song,
"all your ways and all your thunder,
got me in a haze running for cover,
where we gonna go from here?
where we gonna go from here?"

i can get so caught up in the future.
i worry that i'm not doing what it is i'm supposed to be doing (sacred contractually speaking...)
i've decided not to worry about that so much anymore.
because, it's an energy leak.
well, at least i've made the decision.
it's one of those simple but not easy things.

and also...
i'm doing exactly what i'm supposed to be doing.
it's difficult for me because i feel so aimless.
but when i step back (that is when i remember to step back),
i realize i do have direction (however broad...)

freedom beyond hope and fear.
my Teacher gave a dharma talk about that once.
i'll listen to it again, with new ears, wiser heart.

i do long to feel settled, even if i never do.
i do want a child.
i do want to make a decision about my life work.
i do want to be in a healthy, spiritual, nurturing, growthful, passionate, steady, honest, loving, and equal partnership.
these things are all true.

so, i'll just keep keepin' on.
i'll just keep going.
and then, the answers will come.
and with the answers will come more questions.

like the tide.
like the moon.
like plants.
like the breath.
like the breath.