back

it's a question i get a lot.

"when are you going (coming) back?"

i don't know.
i don't know when i'll know.

i do know that it is not yet the time to go back.

it's difficult for me to tell folks this.
especially people that care about me, that need me.

this is also a teaching and learning.
it would be easy to slip into a productive life of Service when i go back.
there is no lack of work to do to help heal.

i am not yet healed.
not enough yet.
to be sure, healing.
pero kulang pa eh.

and it has become clear again that the Universe is asking me to refine my discernment.
why is it again that you've come?
are you doing what you've come here for?
if you aren't, where did you detour?
and why?
and was it, is it, worth it?

feeling more and more comfortable here.
still hit some bumps and have my share of ups and downs.
but they are settling down a bit, and don't swing so violently anymore.

i've adopted Pampanga as my home province.
we've taken quite a liking to one another.
am grateful to feel her embrace.

met the governor a couple of weeks ago, at the Luid Ka! book launch.
such an inspiring campaign and election.
am reminded of the nature of the Pilipino.
passionate, loving, cooperative, fierce...

i used my last $2000 and bought a car.
i call her Pipsy.
my cousin named her Pepsi, because she is that same shade of blue.
medyo matanda na siya. 1995 eh.
kia din.
pride pala.
(there's this line in one of my secret favorite piolo-juday movies, "don't give up on us." they are bickering back and forth. and suplada juday says, "excuse me, may pride ako." sometimes when i see Pipsy, i recall that scene, and i think, "ako din...may pride ako!")

my cousin has been so helpful in helping me fix Pipsy.
he knows about cars. driver din siya.
and a really good teacher.
super patient.
so glad that i learned how to drive a stickshift back in the day.
if i had to learn that on top of learning how to drive in Manila...patay.

driving here can be fun.
no rules kasi.
stop signs seem like mere suggestions.
as are the lines on the road. suggestions of lanes.
no street signs.
land of the unmarked u-turn slots.
don't get me started on the quezon city circle...
i get lost all the time and somehow find my way again.
i like the independence that i have with a car.
i like that i can drive here.
it's quite an accomplishment.
my parents were worried about me driving.
my mother insists that i drive only in the daytime...
i like that i know how to commute.
i like that i know how to take the provincial bus.
and the jeeps.
and the fx.
and the city bus.

it is getting harder and harder to spend any significant amount of time in manila.
it's too...much.
more later...clinic is about to start.