j-lagged

it's so quiet here, sometimes, i can hear this high pitched tone in my ears.

no breeze in the trees.
no roosters crowing at all hours.
no smoke from burning leaves and trash.
no scraping of the walis on the pavement.
no sound of water sloshing in the bucket at the pump.
no rumbling of the tricycles riding past.
nor the acrid smell of sewage and greywater in the canals that line the streets.
i am hermetically sealed in this southern california townhouse that belongs to my sister and her husband.

there are these stirrings that i've felt lately, in the last few months, whose fire is so poignantly stoked by the birth of Olive.
Olive isn't her official birth certificate name.
it's the name that i call her.
it's the one that i had lea solonga write the autograph to, for her first birth day present, as we were on the same PAL flight from manila to los angeles.

i catch the whiff of domestication, here, stateside, especially.
it's like i breathe in a few molecules of it, and as soon as they hit the back of my throat....
i remember.
like it was yesterday.

i had a husband once.
and money.
and an apartment full of really nice things.
in san francisco.
i went out to fancy dinners.
and didn't worry too much about money.
i had a steady job, working in the hospital.
we had a dog.
and dreams of growing old together.
and kids someday.
and in-laws and holidays and family trips and long drives.

it was a relatively safe life.
and fairly predictable to boot.
the highs didn't get too high.
the lows didn't get too low.
something to be said about the dependability of mediocracy.

and the highs kinda started flattening out.
and the lows got lower...
and
lower
and
lower.

and this life almost killed me.
because this wasn't the life i was meant to lead, not like this.
and yet, there is this part of me that yearns for this "safety."

i want to have a child.
and this scares me a bit.
such a large responsibility.
will i ever find a suitable partner?
i hope so.

my rhythm has been off and my life chaotic since the first block of the teacher training ended.
afterwards, i went to negros.
then back to luzon.
then now in the states.
then...
then...
then...

sleep erratic.
eating erratic.
thinking erratic.
everything erratic.

will do yoga tomorrow to help stabilize.
and won't eat so darn much.
breathe, breathe.
out, then in.
then out.
then in.
over
and
over...

and
over
again.

i'll work my way out of this tailspin, i know.
it's just feels so dang hard.