biodynamic

a new (old) impulse courses through me.
i'm excited by it.
alignment, alignment.

i'm giving up all the fighting.
and kicking.
and screaming.
i no longer want to fit into the idea of who i think i should be.
who others think i should be.
i just want to be...
and be okay with who i am.

no separation.

during this teacher training, i've been looking at my biography.
i remember at age 18, i wanted to have a small farm.
and grow my food.
and make my clothes.
and live a very simple and interconnected life.

at 18, this kind of yearning was a bit alarming.
it didn't really fit.
i never grew up on or even near a farm.
i grew up in the northwest suburbs of chicago.
and by the beach in southern orange county.
deep southern orange county.
like laguna...

at 18, i never really considered this farm life a viable option for me.
never even let it draw any breath.
or see the light of day.
i remember the yearning tho.
and tucking it away in a dusty black shoe box, at the very back of my closet, filed under "never to open again. ever."

i could not make sense of this wish.
my small brain could not process this.
"does not compute," she said.
and more importantly...
what would my parents say?