gaze steady

my flight is delayed.
i'm in manila...waiting, waiting.
i'm so sleepy.
didn't get much sleep kagabi.

Rowell came over last night to watch me not pack.
we did our ritual hang out before i take off and the requisite cleaning out of my fridge and pantry.
we ate the most random things.
seaweed flavored mochi crackers.
and seaweeds.
and choconut.
and garlicky guacamole i made the day before.
and taco shells instead of chips.
at 11pm, i was craving ice cream.
so, we drove to san fernando.
and the four places we went were either closed, ran out of ice cream, or were cleaning out their soft serve machine.
nainis ko.

so, we settled on hot chocolate at gloria jean's at northwalk.
well, i got white hot chocolate.
Rowell got some strawberry smoothie monstrosity.
this good looking pinoy guy came in that looked like Kyan from Queer Eye (according to Rowell).
he was wearing this t-shirt that said "EAT ME. i'm low carb."
what else is there to do except laugh?
i am reminded that these kind of t-shirts are all over the place.
it's not unusual to see a school age kid wearing a shirt that says "porn star."
i've seen this maybe 3 or 4 times in the last 2 years.

Rowell sleptover and he left at 3:30am yata because he had to play for mass.
i kept pressing snooze until 5am.
had so much to do.
had some echoes of the night, and i woke up with three things in my head.

first was the letter that benjamin button wrote to his daughter.
"for what it's worth, it's never too late, or in my case too early, to be the person you want to be. there's no time limit. you can start whenever you want. you can change or stay the same. there are no rules to this thing. you can make the best of it or the worst of it. i hope you make the best of it. i hope you see things that startle you. i hope you feel things that you never felt before. i hope you meet people with a different point of view. i hope you live a life that you're proud of. if you find you are not, i hope you have the strength to start all over again."

second was morley singing, in that clear, strong, beautifully throaty voice of hers,
"keep your gaze steady, my love. yours are the eyes that have seen God."

third was the image of the open hand. i started talking to myself this morning, saying, "extraordinary people know that only with an open hand are we open to both giving and receiving. extraordinary people set themselves free."

ugh.
the last one is a doozy for me.
i've been moving through some difficulty with forgiveness lately.
i know that the anger doesn't serve.
that it harms.
i know that it creates separation.
yet, i cannot let it go.
i see my clenched fist.
and plead.
and try to soothe.
and cajole.
even open one finger at a time.
it's hard.
this particular flavor of liminality is so difficult for me.
it's the wall that i often bump up against.
what is it in me that wants to hold onto this hurt?
(because underneath the anger is hurty hurt.)
what is it that i'm afraid of happening if i were to let this person go?
in order for me to rightfully reclaim the piece of my Spirit that he holds for me, i must let him go.
let him go na Muki.
let him go.

yesterday, i did the freeze frame heart exercise that Niconar shared with us during the 2nd block of our teacher training.
i asked for guidance around how to let go of this difficult relationship.
as usual, i did not get any verbal answers.
instead, i was led to a brief moment of innerdance.
then the big hand pushed me down and urged me to sleep, that i would dream what i would need.
so, these are the three things that presented themselves.

after mass, Rowell came over for breakfast.
i had just about finished packing.
(all the clothes i'm bringing are dirty.
just like my old college days...)

i fried potatoes in ghee and added garlic and thyme and rosemary.
sarap.
then we had kalamansi flavored tuna melt sandwiches on wheat pan de sal.
sarap din.
then we split a lovely young orange papaya that didn't even have any seeds.
ang tamis!
super sarap.

i miss sta. rita already.
Rowell gave me a lavender sta. rita cuaresma t-shirt.
now, i own something lavender.

my plane is going to board soon, sana.
i have to go through the final security check ulit.
i think the guy inspecting all the bags is going to flirt shamelessly with me again.
(hee.)
okay lang yun.
it's fun.
he thought i was 24.
(boy howdy, he's good!)
"kailan ka babalik?" sabi niya.
"april 2, and sori po, you're too young for me," sabi ko.
(and, for once, i actually meant it...)
okay lang daw sa kanya kung mas bata siya.
"hay, kapatid," sabi ko, "hindi okay lang yun sa akin."
'sakit ang puso niya daw.

nakakatuwa.

maraming salamat, Universe!
ang bait ka, talaga.