hara

there is feeling, this fluttering feeling in my hara.
i've written about it before.
like a trapped butterfly or a bird.
i feel so uneasy.
and anxious.

it's so uncomfortable.
i want to run.
or escape it somehow.
eat it.
drink it.
gamble it.
something, anything not to feel it.

i don't feel it all the time.

chicken lollipop

picture this.

paul anka's concert dvd playing loudly. "papa" playing now. (kanina, si anne murray o!)
my mother dancing around the kitchen, preparing and marinating all the food we will eat in the next two days.

me, wearing wool socks, pajama bottoms, three shirts, and a wool beanie (ang lamig dito, eh.),
laughing and making tsismis and kwento-kwento with my mom.

baking cookies...
a filipinized version of the debunked urban legend nieman marcus recipe.
by filipinized, meaning i don't really measure, going from memory, freestyle.
i change the ingredients up depending on what makes sense at the time, what we have on hand.

i used cashews this year instead of walnuts and pecans, an homage to Prado.
used mostly whole wheat flour din.

i made these cookies at Prado a couple of weeks ago, assisted by Hugo and Natya, ang mga pamangkin ni Reimon.
nary a walnut nor pecan could be found.
so we used cashews.
ang sarap!

four dozen so far.
i give cookies and make cd's for my loved ones during christmas.
it's how i make peace with all the commercialized madness this time of year.
i still do *love* to give gifts to people.
i just spread them out over the year.
and give them, as Spirit moves me.

tonight at midnight we will eat:
pancit molo
hot pan de sal
chicken lollipop
honeybaked ham
and
cookies!

tomorrow will be a ridiculous feast pala.
:)

my dad is napping on the couch, tired from playing tennis this morning.

i'm still working out this year's cd playlist.
3/4 done yata.

masaya.

blockbuster'd

feeling better.
dancing.
walking.
breathing.

full moon tonight.
gorgeous.
the sky is dark and clear.
the air is dry and sharp.
i am mesmerized by the moon.

been renting movies at the nearby blockbuster.
$4.29 a movie.
grabe!
you do get to keep them for 5 days, so i guess that's good.
pero, ang mahal talaga!

there's a movie rental place in Madapdap called 'friendster'.
mostly pirated titles.
Nathanel and i rented 'beautiful boxer' two days before i left for the states.
subtitles super jacked up.
atsaka 15 pesos lang.
we never ended up finishing it because the disc kept stopping.

i remember those 'beautiful boxer' postcards that we used to use as scratch paper at the Center after the premiere.
was so funny for me to see that image again, especially in the Philippines.

talked with some relatives from chicago today on the phone.
some of them i haven't talked with for years.
two titas, one tito, three cousins.

kuya Ferdie might be going to Baguio in February.
will meet up with him there.

spoke Taglish with them. was fun (and funny) because they were so impressed.

prison dream

had a dream last night that i was in prison.
it was a minimum security prison in the philippines.
(does that exist?)

i wasn't scared.
just bewildered.
everyone was confused.
even the guards.

i woke up just when i realized that martial law had been declared again.

psoas

have this anxiety.
haven't felt this in 6 months.
not that i haven't felt anxious in the Philippines.
this is a different kind.

vague.
deep.

parang yung sariling dwende ko, ang ginhawa ko ay sa bilangguan.
and she's scared.
and she's confused because she doesn't know why she's so scared.

i can feel my psoas, so sore.
last night, i had to go outside and look at the moon.
and talk to her.
because if i stayed inside, i would start climbing the walls.
and it's so cold here.

then, i borrowed my sister's car and went for a drive.
looking, looking for something familiar.
something to hold onto.

i drove 20 miles.
trying to find some comfort outside of myself.
wala eh.

is it something about being in vegas?
siguro.
i've often said, i'd have nothing to do with las vegas if my family didn't live here.
it's the land of delusion kasi.

i've become so sensitive to energies.
i don't know if i can stay until after new year.
i want to see my family though.
and spend time with them.

naku.

ano ba ito?
will have to find some way to work with this anxiety.
must be time to work with this, too.

sige.

to love and learn

contemplating my single-ness lately. i'm really feeling it here kasi.
strange, 'no?
i'm so curious about it. and, oooh. it hurts, too.
i didn't really give it too much thought in the philippines.
perhaps, i was so busy with my work, traveling, meeting new friends.
here, though, and particular at this time, it's on my mind.
the holidays are so loaded kasi. Vassi used to say that.
we put such pressure on ourselves.
holiday cards, parties, the 'perfect' gifts, decorating, mistletoe...
materialism gone amuck.
been going around with my mother, shopping.
i see all these couples walking around, hand in hand.

old ones.
young ones.
pregnant ones.

they are shopping.
and getting coffee.
and fussing over their babies.

and i feel this pang in my chest.
my heart yata.
it lasts for a moment.
then passes.
i say "ouch" to myself, exhale, rub my chest, and my mind starts whirring.

i think about the conventional notions of romantic love that are pumped into the airwaves, the water.
how alluring it is to fall for it, be caught up in it.
been there.
how delicious the feeling can be at first.

then, it wears thin for me, after awhile, if there is no spiritually grounded foundation, no commitment to a deepening and transcendence of the mundane and ordinary, no mutual understanding to be of service to the world...
it's a tall order, i know.

conventional romantic love doesn't have what it takes to weather the inevitable storms either. it's too concerned with feeling good all the time and avoiding pain.
how powerful it is to sit in the muck together. and say to each other, "wow. this is shitty. how'd we get here again? come, love, let's help each other out of this. let's not stay here."

romantic love is so sentient soul, as Reimon would say.
i laugh because i can (and do) get caught up in pop songs and movies.
and it's not that i don't appreciate romance, because i do.
being in authentic relationship, for me, means more.

it could also be that i've been filling a lot of my time lately watching this pinoy na pinoy soap opera with my family.
sa piling mo.
gold standard, as far as teleserye go.
chock full of those themes that are so appealing (familiar?) to pinoys.

love.
sacrifice.
overcoming adversity.
endurance.
martyrdom.
pride.
underdog-ness.
rags to riches.
family.
machismo.
violence.
motherhood.
reconciliation.

i remember how when i was younger how upset i was when movies didn't have 'happy' endings, where everyone followed their arc, and everyone got everything that they wanted and deserved in the end. in my late teens/early 20's, i remember feeling somewhat disillusioned and sometimes adverse to independent films i watched where everything ended "messy" and it wasn't sunny and lovey at the end.

also, watched this movie, prime, the other day.
launched me into a whole nuther thinking process.
i remember a conversation Reimon and i had on karmic relationships.

how people come and go in our lives.
and they bring teachings and learnings.
some stay in our lives for a very long time.
some a few seconds, minutes, hours, days, months.

it's the letting go that is hardest for me.
and figuring out how to reframe.
and accept the timing.
and remembering the gift, amidst the grief.
am pondering all of this.
and trying to make the definitions personal.
and useful.

another edge to work.
must be time to look at this.
and sit with this.

sige.

barrio

getting over my jet lag.
still somewhat on philippines time.
Reimon calls twice a day.
thanks, vonage.
gmail chatting with Troy at 2am.
chikka texting.

suitcases have vomited all over my room.
haphapzard packing.
again.

laughing because i packed mostly dirty clothes.
haven't had time to do my wash.
feels like college.

last week at the clinic was a whirlwind blur.
so much to prepare.

my mother pimped out my room here while i was gone.
white sheets.
feather pillows.
goose down comforter.
plushy white towels.
kinda afraid to be dirty, it's so white.

amused at the contrast.
my pink 'permahard' uratex foam mattress in Madapdap.
how i purposely bought brown sheets so i wouldn't notice dirt as much.
i used to sleep with just a malong pala.

the water in Madapdap would turn these white sheets orange from the rust.

then i think how lucky i am that i can thrive in both environments.
that i even have the opportunity to know both worlds.
and really enjoy them.
and love them.

it's cold here.
and i have a humidifier running all the time.
i refill it with my pink tabo.

getting over a hacking cough that i brought with me.
another release of grief yata.

did some laundry the other day.
used the 'high efficiency, front loader' washing machine in my parent's house.
first time i've used a washing machine in six months.
hung some of it to dry on the long railings framing the spiral staircase here.
parang sampay.
as i hung it all up, i thought to myself, my parents are not going to like this.
kasi, daming kalat eh.
they like everything orderly kasi.
they never said anything to me about it.

my youngest sister, Sam, came home home from work, and laughed.
"you know, Ate, this ain't the barrio."

we laughed.
sabi ko, "you can take the girl out of the Philippines, but you can't take the Philippines out of the girl."

have showed my parents pictures of the clinic in Madapdap.
they didn't faint.
i'll take it.

made kwento-kwento about my roadtrip with Reimon.
told my father how i kept thinking of him during that trip.
he told me that one of his favorite things to eat was tupig.

i discovered it in vigan.
i remember riding the calesa, and asking the driver what they were cooking at the side of the road.

sarap yan mam.
tikman mo.

sige.

i bought five, at 5 pesos each.
gave one to the driver.
ate two for merienda. ang sarap!
gave two to Reimon later.

i look forward to eating piping hot, bagong lutong tupig with my father.
my family is talking about maybe spending christmas in the philippines next year.
there is healing happening.
ganda.