to love and learn

contemplating my single-ness lately. i'm really feeling it here kasi.
strange, 'no?
i'm so curious about it. and, oooh. it hurts, too.
i didn't really give it too much thought in the philippines.
perhaps, i was so busy with my work, traveling, meeting new friends.
here, though, and particular at this time, it's on my mind.
the holidays are so loaded kasi. Vassi used to say that.
we put such pressure on ourselves.
holiday cards, parties, the 'perfect' gifts, decorating, mistletoe...
materialism gone amuck.
been going around with my mother, shopping.
i see all these couples walking around, hand in hand.

old ones.
young ones.
pregnant ones.

they are shopping.
and getting coffee.
and fussing over their babies.

and i feel this pang in my chest.
my heart yata.
it lasts for a moment.
then passes.
i say "ouch" to myself, exhale, rub my chest, and my mind starts whirring.

i think about the conventional notions of romantic love that are pumped into the airwaves, the water.
how alluring it is to fall for it, be caught up in it.
been there.
how delicious the feeling can be at first.

then, it wears thin for me, after awhile, if there is no spiritually grounded foundation, no commitment to a deepening and transcendence of the mundane and ordinary, no mutual understanding to be of service to the world...
it's a tall order, i know.

conventional romantic love doesn't have what it takes to weather the inevitable storms either. it's too concerned with feeling good all the time and avoiding pain.
how powerful it is to sit in the muck together. and say to each other, "wow. this is shitty. how'd we get here again? come, love, let's help each other out of this. let's not stay here."

romantic love is so sentient soul, as Reimon would say.
i laugh because i can (and do) get caught up in pop songs and movies.
and it's not that i don't appreciate romance, because i do.
being in authentic relationship, for me, means more.

it could also be that i've been filling a lot of my time lately watching this pinoy na pinoy soap opera with my family.
sa piling mo.
gold standard, as far as teleserye go.
chock full of those themes that are so appealing (familiar?) to pinoys.

love.
sacrifice.
overcoming adversity.
endurance.
martyrdom.
pride.
underdog-ness.
rags to riches.
family.
machismo.
violence.
motherhood.
reconciliation.

i remember how when i was younger how upset i was when movies didn't have 'happy' endings, where everyone followed their arc, and everyone got everything that they wanted and deserved in the end. in my late teens/early 20's, i remember feeling somewhat disillusioned and sometimes adverse to independent films i watched where everything ended "messy" and it wasn't sunny and lovey at the end.

also, watched this movie, prime, the other day.
launched me into a whole nuther thinking process.
i remember a conversation Reimon and i had on karmic relationships.

how people come and go in our lives.
and they bring teachings and learnings.
some stay in our lives for a very long time.
some a few seconds, minutes, hours, days, months.

it's the letting go that is hardest for me.
and figuring out how to reframe.
and accept the timing.
and remembering the gift, amidst the grief.
am pondering all of this.
and trying to make the definitions personal.
and useful.

another edge to work.
must be time to look at this.
and sit with this.

sige.