cosmic ontology

what a privilege to witness my own evolution.
it's like an upward spiral.

not that long ago, i used to get so frustrated that i'd find myself struggling with the "same ol' shit."
used to get so impatient and violent with myself.
would chastise and let the petty and small me drive the bus.

there you go AGAIN.
you'll NEVER learn.
you're so STUPID.
you deserve THIS.
you'll NEVER get it right.
it's YOUR fault.

small me rarely gets to drive anymore.
she can voice her opinion.
then, i scoop her up and she sits on my lap.
and i pat her hair, give her kisses, and sing to her.
i hold her as she squirms and tries to wriggle away.
eventually, she yields, rests her hot and weary head on my chest, and she melts into my heart.
there's room for her there.

nowadays, when i find myself at a familiar tight spot, i recognize it for what it is.
ah, i must be at another turn in that spiral.
sige.
been here.
kaya ko ito. i can do this.
i know because i've done it before.

the last two years' gradient has prepared me.
i appreciate the wideness of that path, the gradual ascent.
i noticed it, of course, and it just felt easier with company.

nearing the pinnacle, the turns are tighter and tighter.
they come faster and faster.
the mountain steeper.
the path more narrow.
less stable.
and less marked.
it's built for one, after all.

i realize, it's the witness that i miss.
i can endure the pain.
i even do it willingly.
just want someone to know.
just want someone to care.
and to care enough to know.

they don't have to fix it.
(they can't anyway.)
maybe they can just meet me at a rest stop, in between the tight turns.
offer our mutual shoulders.
and we can just sit and love each other.
and cry and laugh together at our frailty and strength.
and touch each other, a reminder of our physical bodies.
the ultimate reminder of the privilege of being human.
that to feel the entire emotional range and gamut is an exquisitely precious, precious gift.
then, when it's time to go, we embrace.
and we go, bid each other farewell, in a good way.
knowing that we will not pass this way again.
and, the connection between us is strengthened with our commitment to the Path.

then, i'll cry, because i always do.
more from gratitude than anything else.
grateful for the connection.
grateful for the moment.
grateful for the witness.
grateful for the understanding.
grateful that i continue to meet more and more who meet me at those rest stops.
grateful that, when there are no others, i am learning to meet myself at those rest stops.

i am learning to fly.