celestial Cez

the celestial gardener came back and visited me last night.
i had just finished replying to Leny’s comment on my last post.
i was upset, but not overly so.
disappointed in my President, mostly.
was contemplating my expectations of the Obama Presidency.
and my relationship to it.

had had a decent day.
got my hair cut shorter. (next step…shave it all off again!)
had shi-shi food at azur bistro earlier. (met the chef, nice guy. beautiful place. good food. gave me free panna cotta. kaso lang, mahal.)
took care of more passport renewal business. (according to the us embassy, i changed my signature too much in 10 years. had to email/fax a copy of my driver’s licenses to show my “real” signature.)
got a new battery for the watch that Lola left me. (it’s a Seiko. the old reliable indiglo timex was left to someone else.)
even did some homework for teacher training. (reading and digesting Steiner’s lecture, “The education of the Child: In light of Anthroposophy.”)
at the bistro, i had also read a “Treatise on Love,” by Nicole Daedone, sent to me by Ligaya. (rich. and beautifully painful.)

i was sitting on my couch and then…
i felt her again.
her two hands were inside me,again.
widening my heart space.
removing more vine.
clearing away what was no longer needed.
i lost my breath.

it hurt.
i can’t even explain the pain.
but, it was the same as July 2007.
maybe even more intense.
i’ll never forget it.

i reminded myself to breathe.
exhale first.
i wanted to cry, but i couldn’t even do that.
i wanted to cry out; i think i sort of whimpered.
i gripped the sides of the couch.
and tried to remember to breathe.

how long will this last?
i can’t stand this much longer.

please, this is too much for me.
i cannot bear this.
please.

a quiet voice inside said, “call Cez.”
i found my phone, and called her cell phone.
it rang several times.

i panicked.
she’s not picking up.
i told the voice, “she’s not going to answer. you said to call.”
the voice said, “patience. i’m almost done. she’ll answer.”

and then she did.
and in gasps, i told her, “Cez, it’s happening again. my heart is widening. like your crown of thorns in your heart story. it’s happening again, and i’m in so much pain.”

she heard me.
tried to rule out any medical things.
asked me where i was.
asked who was nearby to come.
she reminded me to breathe.
and reminded me to Love.
and reminded me that i was Loved.

and we prayed.
we prayed that i would endure it.
and that it would end soon.
and that we would understand.

we invoked Jesus.
angels.
archangel Mikael.
the ancestors.

with Cez’ witness, i was able to find my breath again.
shallow at first.
then deep.
and determined.

after about 7 minutes, the pain eased.
and i was left with a soreness in my chest.

after about 7 more minutes, the soreness eased.
and my body felt like it had turned to sandbags.
there was a heaviness, like my energy was zapped.
like whatever had just transpired, took everything i had to endure it.

i got off the phone with Cez.
sent a prayer of thanks to the Universe that i had a friend like her.
she’s the kind that we just pick right up wherever we leave off.
before last night, we hadn’t spoken since last april or may.

sleepily, i made my way to my bed.
i stumbled.
the big hand was pushing me down.
and telling me to rest.
She was done.

i got into bed and texted Cez to thank her again.
i knew i had worried her.
she texted Rowell to come and check on me.

he came 2 hours later, after work, and spent the night again.
he bathed.
and in the dark, i explained to him what happened.
and he listened.
then we murmured back and forth our expressions of gratitude…
‘til we fell asleep.

Cez also texted our friend Mae, a healer from Davao.
it was good to connect with her again, too.

these concentric circles.
these spirals.

i’m finding it hard to do much today, in the way of homework.
we cooked.
we ate.
we sang.
and played guitar.
found lost books.

Rowell just left for one his jobs in Floridablanca.

i’m still just taking it all in.
this may take awhile.