may pagasa

here's the lyrics of a song my friend nathanel wrote.
it comforts me, and i'm not sure exactly why.
well, it's beautiful.
i learned how to play it in my cold bedroom in my parents' house before i left for negros for Lola.
he emailed me the lyrics and guitar chords the night before i left the states.
and i stayed up all night packing and learning it by heart.

i tried to play it in negros on tito gerome's janky old, rusty guitar.
i was frustrated because i couldn't remember the chords.
then when i kinda remembered the chords, i could not remember the words.
and his guitar refused to stay in tune.
"it's not my way," it kept saying to me.
"will you love me anyway?"

the same guitar, sang a single note to me the morning of Lola's funeral.
i was writing my speech at 3am in the outdoor "dirty" kitchen of Tita Lita and Tito Fred.
it's in the back of the house and away from the flow of visitors and mahjong tables.
one of my relatives (forgive me, i cannot even remember her name) saw me crying as i wrote, and she wanted to comfort me.
i told her i did not want to talk right now. i needed to write. i needed to finish this.
she wanted to be helpful, i know.
i hurt her feelings, and i tried to make it up to her later.
but, she had her detached shield up, so i let it go.

while i was writing, it was cool outside.
the sun was not even near rising yet.
the mosquitos even left me alone.
there was no wind.
i don't remember what part i was writing when tito gerome's guitar played one single note.

i looked up at it, where it hung on a rusty nail, high up on the wall, facing me.
nothing around it.
just the reverb.
i thought, "hi Lola," and tried to think of all of the different scientific explanations why a guitar would seemingly sing one note at 3am while i wrote the eulogy for Lola. and well, i came up with some theories involving physics and weather front pressures.
in the end, science failed me.
and i know it was just Lola saying, "hello" and "just keep going, keep writing."

just hours earlier, all of the apo and great apo of Lola assembled in the back.
we practiced singing, "Sino Ako?" because that was part of the program for the funeral.
that was kinda fun.
and interesting.

most of my cousins on this side are older and male.
and most of them were drunk already or getting there when we were practicing.
somehow, there is always money for beer.

one of them, kuya langging, who is particularly obnoxious when he is drunk, crashed the van my mom rented while we were there.
i am disgusted with him.
he was drunk all that week, acting like it was fiesta instead of a patayin.
he took the keys and went with another cousin to buy more beer and backed up into a tricycle.
the rear panel of the van was all messed up with a sizeable dent and several scratches.
mercifully, no one was injured.

maybe the worst part was that the whole family went into panic mode and wanted to hide this from both me and my mom.
ang tanga.
it's like they didn't know how to tell us, so they tried to cover it up.
i found out tho, and i told my mother the next morning.
i thought it better that she find out that way instead of just seeing it as we piled in for the funeral.
she freaked out and then promptly hid it.
i was amazed at her ability to do this.

once again, my mom will bail out her side.
thank goodness the van was insured.
but, there's a substantial deductible to pay.
and this is not about the money.

my cousin never came to my mom and explained what he did.
he never said sorry.
or took responsibility.
he just kept drinking.
and also insisted he wasn't drunk at the time of the crash.
the next morning, i found him in a chair in the living room, with his eyes closed, head tipped back, mouth agape, drooling, and snoring, like the worst kind of sloth.

this is par for the course with this side.
and this is a pattern that repeats itself.
on one level, i'm mad as hell and feel like i could spit nails.
on another, i think, what kind of circumstances have led to this?
why would my cousin choose to be this way?
what example does it set for us, especially his 3 kids?
why would my family collude?
mom?

we're in bacolod now, in a hotel.
my mother is happy to sleep in a "real bed."
ako, i'm happy to be away from my family.
it's 3am, and my mom is snoring away next to me.
i recall the sting of my mom's scolding, telling me i'm "puro negativo," when it comes to kuya langging and his mother. i remember the pain in her eyes as she gave the sharp look.
it was like, "please, just go along with the ruse. please, anak."
but, i can't.
not anymore.
i don't have the stomach for it.
and i know that this is not mine to fix.
that somehow, i have to find my own relationship to all of this.
somehow.

"how do you do it, mamma?"
"i just don't think about it, if i do, baka nag-high blood na ako."
"but, how do you not think about it?"
then, she gave me the look.

i cried when i was alone.
cried tears in restaurant 21, surrounded by strangers and my solitude.
i realize i wanted my mother to protect me from all of this.
isn't that what mothers are supposed to do?
it is a most unreasonable expectation, in light of everything;
i realize that now.

i've been feeling uneasy all night, not able to rest.
i just vomited 3 times.
and have been on and off the toilet too.
and i started my period 2 days ago.
triple cleanse.
purge this Muki.
so much letting go.

more to write.
but i'm tired.
i know i won't sleep.
but i want to get this heavy, hot computer off my belly.

may pagasa
by nathanel
http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendID=411274409

huwag kang mag-alala
tayo ay pinagpala
daming biyaya sa buhay natin

huwag kang matakot
babantayan kita
lahat ang bagay ay mababago

dumilat ka
huwag kang mahiya
dito lang ako
para sa'yo

huwag kang lumuha
meron pa magpapasa
walang hangganan ang pagibig ko

huwag kang matakot
babantayan kita
lahat ang bagay ay mababago

dumilat ka
huwag kang mahiya
dito lang ako
para sa'yo