integration

haaaaaaaay.
still stateside.
vegas.
spent the last ten days or so in the bay area.

so much has happened.
so much keeps happening.

heart is breaking...
wider and wider open.

liminal spaces.
transition.

honesty.
compassion.

ego.

limitations.
fear.

dear, dear friends.
new friends.
family.
dearest friend.

juggle it.
work it out.
make it work.

community.
love.

how can i leave this place again?
Inang Bayan, i hear you.
i'm coming back.
and my heart, my heart.

will need time to process and integrate all of this.
in the meantime, i receive.

will be a challenge for me, as i return...
it seems as if the clinic demands that i hit the ground running.
okay, if that makes sense.

then i will need to take frequent breaks.

and remember.
remember the importance of integration.
for making space for integration.

my body is tired.
and i encourage her to stretch a little longer.
there's purpose to this pain.
i vow to do better in taking care of you and making you stronger.
i see how important you are as the physical vessel in our Path.

my heart is full.
and i encourage her to stretch a little longer.
there's purpose to this pain.
she wants to numb out.
and say, "tama na. enough."
"sige po," i cajole. kaya mo ito.

stay present, dearest.
see how it all fits?
it hurts because there is so much Love.
leaving again hurts because there is so much Love.
it actually a privilege to be able to feel all of this, darling.

atsaka....
ang sakit.
ang sakit talaga.

and also it hurts.
it really, really, really hurts.

i leave on friday.
the next three days will be spent running around getting everyone's pasalubong.
buying stuff that is expensive or not available in the philippines.
spending time with my family.
packing balikbayan boxes.
taking care of some stateside clinic business.

may i continue to witness my own process.
may i love myself through this.
can no longer afford to do it any other way.

exhale.
settle.
reset.
okay.