Friday, June 29, 2007

mandala

made another mandala today.

last year's:
i reclaim wholeness. i come from a Warrior people. I go back to move forward.

this year's:
warrior-spirit prayer for awakening

may all beings be granted with the strength, determination, and wisdom to exitinguish anger and reject violence as a way.

may all suffering cease and may i seek find and fully realize the love and compassion that already live within me and allow them to inspire and permeate my every action.

may i exercise the precious gift of choice and the power to change that makes me uniquely human and is the only true path to liberation.

may i swiftly reach complete effortless freedom so that my fearless, unhindered action be of benefit to all.

may i lead the life of a Warrior.

/|\

to be translated to tagalog soon. (it's on my list.)

met another babaylan the other day.
we're coming out of the woodwork.

yes, i'm one, too.
time to come out.
and claim this.
live this.
get myself in trouble when i don't.

in my mandala,
the words are in concentric circles...
starting from the inside,
and spiraling out.

that's how it goes, right?
it starts inside and ripples out.
the work.
the practice.
the healing.

in the real.
symbolically.
metaphorically.

i've drawn this, even as a small child.
i draw it still.
it soothes me.

i get lost in the circles.
or is it that i get found?

one of the first things that Bong did when we met, is trace this symbol on the table.
you know this, right?

yes, i know this.
gulp.
double gulp.

mandala:
(thanks, google.)

The word comes from the sanskrit and means sacred circle. The circle symbolizes the womb of creation.

an idealized circular model of the cosmos, with the source of cosmic or temporal power located at the centre, and deities or beings representing lesser powers or energies radiating outward toward the periphery, the limits of the system.

an array of gods or goddesses around a central figure seen in Buddhist art. The simplest mandalas are constructed as a series of concentric circles within a square. Each successive concentric circle closer to the center of this figure represents a deeper layer of the psyche; the central figure, a center of integration.

magic diagram or sign

pictorial diagram of the world, and of a person, used in meditation and Tantric rituals

A symbolic circular design

artistic representation of the cosmos, a focus for meditation

Literally, "center" and "circumference."
1) Representation of a universe with a deity's palace at the center that is often depicted iconographically in sand paintings and thangkas.
2) The mandala offering present in many rituals.
3) The basis for the third preliminary practice, a symbolic offering of the entire universe.

Symbol of the innate harmony and perfection of Being. Diagrams to inner mystical states

Literally, circle, arch, section. A symbolic design that includes a centre and periphery, used for the purpose of contemplation.

yes, i know this.

Sunday, June 24, 2007

lost...again

feeling lost...again. and itchy. and hot. and sticky. and sweaty.

this won't last i know.
and, here i am.

gonna go take a bath.
the cool water will cool my frustration.
i'll let it all wash down the drain.

go, go, go.
scrub my skin.
scrub all the grime of sm north edsa hypermart off me.
of the ridiculous din of the live sunday afternoon mall variety show that has filled my ears, my head, the space between my clothes and skin. why do they have to yell so? why am i so absorbent?

get off me.
get off me.

cool this temper.
cool this temperament.
this place that i stay is so hot.
the wars that have been fought here.
the wars that continue.

they aren't mine,
and i am the witness.
it's not my heat.
this doesn't feel like the useful kind.

cool.
cool.
cool.


i turn my pillow over wishing for a cool side.
there is none.
just mosquitos.
and hot still air,
unless the fan is on.

i drink the water. half a glass before i go to sleep, after soothing my heart.
in the morning, drink the other half, after releasing what is no longer useful.
it's a ritual that Bong taught me.

i wish i could feel some coolness, right about now.

Thursday, June 21, 2007

contemplating aloneness

still trying to find my way here. would it be any different if i were back in the states? i'd still be trying to find my way. but, i'd feel more secure, more safe. everything is different here. but, strangely enough, not entirely foreign to me. some stuff for sure. but, fuck. i don't know.

that's just it.

i don't know.
i don't know.
i don't know.
i don't know.
i don't know.

what don't i know? well, what's gonna happen.

what do i know? lots of things.

like what?

that i can do this. i can do what is being asked of me. even though i don't know EXACTLY what it is, blow by painstaking blow.

that i struggle with self-doubt. less and less, then more and more, then less and more, then more and less. (rinse. lather. repeat, in an upward spiral motion-path.)

that i have support. myself, included.

that i am scared. and i'm embracing that part of me, too. especially, that part, actually.
"i get it. i really do. who wouldn't be scared doing what we are doing? but, you know. this is the work. thank you for showing up. thank you for your courage to show yourself and speak your needs and not throw a tantrum. i know that you had to do that in the past so that i would pay attention, see you. see how far we've come? we're learning together. i'm sorry this is so hard for us. but, i will never leave you. we're in this together. come here and let's take turns consoling each other. you sit on my lap for a bit. i'll sit on yours for a bit. i'll squeeze you tight. and pat your hair. and kiss your tears. and pretend to be surprised how much they taste like my own. i'll sing you love songs and lullabies. we can even sit side by side or back to back, like forrest and bubba, and just lean."

that i am hard on myself. there is no blueprint for your way, Muki. you are creating it. exhale. breathe. breathe. if you don't breathe, nothing else matters.

that i know how to do this. i wish i didn't get in my own way so much. ego, is that you? there's a place for you here, but not like this. not like this. quit taking over the wheel. ah, i give it over to you? i see. yes, i give it over. i give it over. i no longer wish to do this. it is no longer useful. it's harmful, in that it holds me back from doing what is being asked of me. i will do my best to remember this. and, no, ego, i don't expect you to remind me. thanks for volunteering though. forgive me, but i don't entirely trust your motives. you are a wily one though. impressively so.

that i'm doing my best. and so are others. can i accept my best? can i accept others' best? may i quell my arrogance to make this so.

that there is this tightness in my throat as i write this. and a heaviness in my chest. and tears blurring my sight. my lip trembles as i look away and feel the tears fall down my face, as i feel my own frailty. as i wipe these tears away, i remember my strength...and the strength in my frailty...and the strength in this recognition. and, how utterly grateful i am that there is breath in my lungs and that i am able to feel all of this heartache, while finding joy...as i contemplate this wonderfully terrible, terribly wonderful aloneness.

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

magnets in my butt

sitting feels different here. it's like there are magnets in my butt. and spine. helping keep me grounded and aligned. good stuff. thought it was a fluke at first. no, Muki. it's not. i feel solid. immovable, yet flexible. at rest. at peace. could sit all day. tangaryo, yaza (yowza!)--not a problem.

so very glad i brought a cranberry zabuton and zafu. tribe, i'm sitting with you! oh, and low smoke cedar incense, too.

showed the girls my rakusu the other day. they were so cute (ang kyut!), gathering round and were so careful with how they touched it. like a treasure, which it is.

they were curious about sitting. sarita could do full lotus, no problem. rian and her six year old body were confused as to what crossed over what. (join my club...)

they were tickled to see me bow to my cushion, then out to the world.
"bakit ganun? (why is it like that?)," they asked. i bow to acknowledge how grateful i am to my practice and this world to practice in," sabi ko (i said). they were even more tickled after that, clapping and beaming.

they helped brush off the zabuton and fluff the zafu, sarita scolding rian for putting her knees down on the mat. a riot, i tell you. took everything not to bust out laughing. hugged and kissed them both over and over again instead.

helped buy another house yesterday. not mine and i'm responsible. and it's for another Center. instead of 1.25 million dollars, it was 125,000 pesos. used my seeds of justice money. it's not a New Dharma Center for Urban Peace. but, really, maybe it is, at the very core. it is also a place where miracles happen and empowerment and community is cultivated. this parallel existence thing is really something.

on the surface, the madapdap Center, is a clinic that provides free physical therapy twice a week to kids who are victims of toxic waste. on the real, it is another intersection between spirituality and social justice, in service to social transformation.

this Center provides a livelihood program (beading!) for the mothers while their kids undergo therapy. it's a place where the community can meet and learn about nutrition, natural remedies, and other health topics. where volunteer natural health care folk can come and share their medicine. where teenage siblings can babysit younger ones while their siblings get therapy and their mothers bead. it's a place where this historically disenfranchised, low-income resettlement community can find their own agency, find their own sustainability, find their own freedom. and they are doing it in a good way, an organic way, a cooperative way.

we are small now, but soon, we will be involving the entire community. it will be a model, an example for a different way.

sounds familiar, doesn't it?

Sunday, June 17, 2007

a new tack

from astro.com, today:

A new tack

Most commonly this influence makes you strike out rashly against people who seem to have held you back in some way or who have angered you consistently in the past. Or you may suddenly act impulsively to escape duties and obligations that circumstances have imposed upon you. This is a time when your efforts to liberate yourself from unnecessary and inhibiting restrictions start to succeed. Your life may take a new tack that represents a radically new direction for you. If you are prepared and have consciously tried to bring about this situation, this will be a very good time, for you will be able to act with more freedom and self-determination. But you can expect considerable resistance from others, and it will not be easy. Keep working, for your efforts to expand and liberate your life are not finished.

boy howdy...who you tellin'?

Saturday, June 16, 2007

grabe itong buhay ko! | what i life i have!

took a long nap today. leftover from yesterday afternoon, methinks. met with a powerful babaylan named Bong D. i thought the babaylan were extinct, gone the way of the jedi. (i wonder if george lucas knows how much he has affected me.) anyway, still trying to integrate all of the teachings and learnings from that meeting. had to sleep early last night, exhausted...

learning about the babaylan is one of my intentions for this journey here. i remember thinking about it when i was reading Leny's latest book, A Book of Her Own: Words and Images to Honor the Babaylan. i wondered how i could meet them, learn from them, study with them.

wonder no more, Muki! turns out Susan is friends with one; and he is going to be teaching alibata to the TOS participants, second week, when we move to los banos. and another woman who edited an anthology on the babaylan will be lecturing that same week on the indigenous period. awesome.

i was a bit scared to meet with Bong, actually. Susan just recently reconnected with him, after losing touch with him for the last 20 or so years. just reconnected last week, i think.

i knew he would confirm what i've been knowing all along. knowing and reluctant. knowing and denying. knowing and terrified. knowing and accepting. all the while knowing...

i am powerful. i have important work to do in this lifetime. i am a rhythmic white world bridger. boy, am i ever. he said that he has been waiting for me. he first knew i would be coming three years ago. that he's so happy to see me again. that he can see in my eyes that i am on a spiritual path, that i am understanding the significance of this path. that i play an important role in the great convergence, in the tipping point, in the critical mass. you can feel it, too, he said.

yes, i can. these glimpses frighten me. and i'm working with it. they don't frighten me so much anymore. i am moving through it. i'm leaning in. what was it the Mitra said? "Anything that gets in the way of you and your freedom, lean into it."

i'm leaning in. and it's good. talked with Bong about my self doubt. he nodded. he understood. need to move through it... heard this before.

i am. and, i'm asking for help. and it's coming. it's here. ultimately, it's my work to do. i remember that.

so much synchronicity happening here. Rian, Susan's younger daughter, age 6, was so proud of herself yesterday. she picked out her outfit for both herself and her older sister, Sarita, age 11. they wore matching Michaelmas t-shirts and flower print pants. Sarita had a dream about a dragon shop the night before, where she wanted to buy a gift and didn't have enough money. that was Sandy's shop, i think. then, during our marathon conversation with Bong, he said something about the archangel Michael slaying a dragon. Michaelmas again. must be a significant holiday in Waldorf education, if the kids have the t-shirts. september 29, one day after vassi's birthday.

fil-ams will play an important role in this convergence, and i will lead them. i point the way.

listened again to my astrological reading with Dr. Turner. everytime i listen to that thing, i glean something new, or fortify myself...again. this shit is deep. this t square business, like a crucifix. three unaspected planets. no wonder i am the way i am! sheesh. this self-doubt. transformation...

Bong mentioned some groups that he was connected to here, and he invited me to join him one of these days. meditation groups and something about the ascension path. maybe thursday. we'll see how my schedule goes. transportation is always a challenge... yes, and this, too.

i love how dramatic and animated he is. he has a theater background after all and insipid wings. he was talking to his spirit guides the whole time. fascinating, really. mentioned that he wants to connect me with a woman named Tess MacKenzie. wonder who she is. no doubt, i'll be meet her soon enough.

planning to have coffee (read:tea) with Pia's friend, Ling tomorrow. hope that works out. cultivating community...

so grateful...

/|\

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

moving through it

been feeling better. settle, settle. breathe. breath. starting to feel in my body again. starting, starting. there's a lot of work to do.

good to see Susan again. we ate at green's (best vegetarian restaurant around here), dessert and tea at wheatberry's. seven hour date... eight months is a lot to catch up on. her life has been just as full as mine.

moved to the Lola Pacita's house last night. her house is old and dusty. some things in my room have at least 50 years worth of dust on them. have some cleaning to do. yes, have some cleaning to do. the house, their whole family compound sits on an old battlesite of the fil-am war? or maybe it was wwII. actually, prolly both.

anyway,i still feel the heat. incense burns brighter and hotter. lit some sage to clear the room. george's dad came to visit last night anyway. he's been dead for 40 years or so. a mutual regard. hello...then, he left. and i slept.

so many feelings and thoughts. finding myself wanting to document it. hold onto them. but they go so fast. when i dwell on them, i miss the moment. old habit. no more.

star wars, episode I.
obe-wan: master yoda said i should be mindful of the future.
qui-gon: but, not at the expense of the moment.

saw sandy the oracle last night. she has a new place in cubao. i was surrounded by dragons and elephants, so i felt safe. confirmed/affirmed a lot my knowings, musings. gave me timeframes. helped break my heart wider and wider open.

she said that i was reading from an ancient book, whose pages contain so many things. and they are crumbling. she said to stop analyzing while trying to read because i'm missing stuff. the pages are crumbling. there is time to analyze later, she said.

be present.

i've heard this before.

Muki, it's time to listen.

please, may i find what i need to listen.
please, may i find what i need to let go.

isn't it just a matter of will?

please, may i love myself through this process.
please, may i love myself through this process.

embrace it, Muki.
this is your path.
live in this moment. and then the next. and then the next. and so on.

i am powerful.

trust.
trust.

grace.
peace.

love.

Sunday, June 10, 2007

deep end of the pool

i'm feeling apprehensive. and scared. and unsure. ugh. i know this feeling well. i used to live here. now, i'm visitor, and when i return to this neighborhood, i am reminded, oh so well, why i decided to get the hell out of dodge. i don't like feeling like this. and, here i am.

i'm at an internet cafe. there are a bunch of younger folk around, swearing in Tagalog, while they play shoot 'em up games. thank god for headphones, or i might go crazy for the din.

pinoys are so damn dramatic. even for my tastes. the pop music is enough to drive you to drink or drive nails in your arteries. don't get me started on the telenovelas and movies. killin' me. i eat it all up, hook, line, and sinker. it's so easy. it's like breathing. this can't be good for me. i'm in a highly suggestive state. hopeless romantic.

saw pirates of the caribbean 3 last night with my cousin and auntie. the good will turner for every 10 years of ferrying the souls of those who died at sea to the other side gets one day ashore to spend with his beloved.

how do you like them apples? is this the life that i am choosing? does my beloved know this? is one day every ten years fair? more importantly, is it okay for her? is it enough? is it okay with me? is it enough for me? do i have to choose? do i have to choose right now?

see? this is what i am talking about. being surrounded by all of these dramatics is not doing anything for this overactive, excitable, and imaginative nature of mine. killin' me.

how many lovers have i left behind? how many will i have here?

mind your sexual energy, Muki.

please.

okay.

i will.
i know what happens when i don't.
i can cause all kinds of havoc. i've not caused havoc before, but certainly messiness...

i'm sure of three things:
1) i Love her.
2) the Mitra is my Teacher.
3) i am called to be here.
4) i'm scared.

that last one is a temporary condition, so it really doesn't count like the first three.

Thursday, June 7, 2007

one foot in front of the other...

sitting at mccarran airport, international terminal, gate 3. hacking. other people around me hacking. that's the last time i kiss that husband of mine. really.

some ancient, ancient tenacious goop is coming out of my lungs. what was rattled loose at that retreat? haven't been this respiratorily frail in a couple of years... wheezy, wheezy. breathing in and out sounds like a sad and distant harmonica, "oh, dear. oh dear. oh dear."

feeling exhausted. hanging on by a slim, slim thread. got maybe 3 hours of sleep last night. spinning, spinning. saw myself spinning and just couldn't stop.

got into it with my mother. shocking. we just don't do goodbyes well. we really don't. maybe this is why i am so determined to do it differently. why i will always go out of my way to part ways well.

she kept dangling bait in front of me. stinky, fetid, rotting fish guts. and i smelled it and looked the other way. and i sniffed it and looked right at it. i saw it and smiled. (yes, and this, too) then she waived it around and it grazed the very tip of my nose and i snarled and bit. hard.

it starts out with the usual.
why don't you cut your hair?
why don't you style it this way?
you want to go to the one who cuts mine?
when she says this, she shakes her head, as she runs her fingers through her hair as she turns her face upward, as if looking at her magic mirror.

then, it's onto my clothes. or if she is feeling it that that day, she goes straight for the make-up (or lack thereof.) usually, she starts and ends with my weight. yesterday was different.

yesterday, she went for the Center.
and my friends.
and my sexuality.

she said, "i'm so disappointed in you."
"i don't know who you are anymore."
"what are you doing with your life?"
"you used to care about what you looked like."
"we didn't raise you to be like this."
"i want you to have a normal life."
"you've really changed."

ouch.
ouch.
ouch.
ouch.
ouch.
ouch.
fucking ouch.

i said, "it's painful for me to hear that i disappoint you."
"if you don't know me, it's because you don't want to."
"lay off my friends."
"i love my life."
"this is why i don't share details of my life with you anymore."
"are you trying to hurt me?"
"why are you saying these things?"
"you words feel heavy, mom."

i don't even like stinky, fetid, rotting fish guts. never did. i think i just bit out of habit. she's raising the stakes; she found a new place to poke...she got a rise out of me because that is how we connect. heaven forbid that she say that she'll miss me. heaven forbid that she say to take care. heaven forbid that she say that she is worried about my well-being. much easier to slap.

only thing is, it's not.
nothing feels easy about this.
i'm heartbroken again.
she is doing her best. i am doing my best.
can i accept this?
okay.