hives have hives

i forgot how inflammatory i can get.
this happens when i come back to the states for a visit.
i get hives, especially when i am visiting with my family.
they are the painful kind, the indurated kind.
i get them all over.
my trunk, my legs, my arms...
even my eyelids, i think.

it is stressful for me to come back.
my rhythms get all messed up.
it's like i forget how to orient myself.
or maybe it's like, i can't find north,
or which way is up.

i'm so itchy.
this body is so wise.
she does this when there is something to look at,
when i am avoiding something.

my last year of nursing school, they used to call me "Hiver."
my yearlong healing (2004-2005) crisis time, my hives were rampant, relentless.
i would hide them with long sleeves.
i felt like scratching through my skin in a vain effort to stop the pain.
it would be so bad, i would force myself to sleep to numb out.

and i remember, visualizing a cooling energy that would soothe.
i can't breathe here.
i miss the Philippines.

there.
i said it.

i saw my friend Venus yesterday.
she asked me if i was going to stay in the Philippines for good.
"Ah, ah. hindi ko alam. tignan natin..."
backpedal, backpedal.
the commitment-phobe shows her stripes.
why is it so hard for me to say?

well, 'cause i don't know.
or i don't want to know.
still haven't decided.

i don't belong here.
not now.