Cez

been doing a lot of reading on warriorship lately. ironically, picked up a this book, "The Craft of the Warrior," by Robert L. Spencer, here in the Philippines, though it was published in Berkeley, CA. good stuff. familiar. getting that feeling again that affirming, confirming feeling again.
yes, dearest, everything in our your life has led you here.
right here to this point.
yep, everything. all of it. everything. all of it. everything. all of it.

feeling particularly restless this morning. emotional. undisciplined. like a trapped butterfly or hummingbird is in my chest. fluttering wings. attempts to break out. meeting resistance. temporarily stunned by the impact of hitting the wall everytime. getting up again. and, with each successive failed attempt, fluttering becomes less robust. tired.

am i the wall?
the butterfly?
the hummingbird?
the space in between?
the fatigue?
the getting up again?
the vessel?
the relationship between all of them?
yes.
everything.
all of it.

ugh. feel like sobbing.
and making a scene.
want everyone around me to know how this fluttering is difficult for me.
not only that, want them to suffer with me.

what is the teaching here?
what is it my body is trying to tell me?

have many emails to answer. many people i love are reaching out. want to connect, and i'm afraid to write them when i'm feeling this way. don't need to subject them to this. it's not that i have an image to protect. i just can't share this fluttering, in this moment, in a useful way. don't need to make my scene, their scene. that would be the suffering that leads to more suffering, and i will not participate in that. not anymore.

also, have a grant to write.
also, have a recital to attend.
also, have to get out of this duster.

skyped a few of the heavies this morning. the usual ones i turn to for comfort, solace.
not home.
not answering.
can't talk.

teachings here, too.
trying to use them to distract myself from this fluttering uneasiness.
dis-ease.

it was in the middle of a five minute conversation with my sister, Kath, that i realized that i was trying to distract myself from feeling these difficult feelings. trying to guise it in an innocent reaching out to my peeps.

that's when Cez, texted, out of the blue, "how've you been?"

stunned.
it was at that exact moment that i realized what i was doing.
those two events coincided.
syncronicity astounds.

texted back to her, "hello dear one. funny you should ask... caught me in a moment of self-doubt and trepidation. this will pass...trying to enjoy it even and find the teaching in it. how are you? where are you? singapore? love you and appreciate your reaching out."

notice: still trying to distract myself by asking about her.
she didn't take the bait, though.

she answered, "haha! felt something was up with you! good to be in moments of the abyss. there are angels around you dear friend. breathe gently."

and so, here.
the fluttering abated.
just a slight soreness for its absence.
(do i miss it?)
and an ache in my liver that is also dissolving.
then a tightness in my stomach.
go, go, friends.
until next time.
breathing gently, i feel these aches and pains melt away.
and i really do appreciate the fingerprints they leave on my consciousness.

thank you Cez.