slight adjustment

just got back from a 10 day road trip with my friend, Reimon.
was so necessary.
was going to implode.
or worse yet, explode.
or even worse yet, murder.

needed a place and space to move through and transform all of these feelings and frustrations and pains and anger and fears and worries and anxieties that were overwhelming me.

the reality of living in madapdap roughed me up a bit.
needed a safe place to regroup, reground, reset.

we drove all the way to pagudpud, ilocos norte.
i’d never been north of sagada before.
masaya.
from pampanga,
we drove
to banaue (hello Jabbers!)
to bontoc (museum, awesome cordillera music)
to sagada (Lianna, Rodney, Madison, Segrid, Cez, Brian, and River; yogurt house!)
to baguio (vocas, dancing to drums and gongs, kidlat and kawayan; raisin bread!)
to san fernando, la union (greg, agnes; tuna belly!)
to vigan (linens, cobblestone streets, bahay na bato; empanadas and coke!)
to paoay (marcos encased in wax--weird.)
to burgos (lighthouse, alien windmills; bagnet!)
to pagudpud (swim, swim at sunset. delicious ocean.)
then back down again.

reimon is an architect and he was teaching a three week course on architecture to waldorf high school students. amazing creatures, these students. beautiful voices. they sang and sang. compared the sound of different spaces-caves, churches, cliffs, cars, outside, inside, into the wind, windmills... at the very top of the lighthouse, with the sun and the wind and the music, i could have wept for days, it was so transcendentally beautiful.

i’ll remember this trip always.

windows down,
hair blowing all ways,
singing carol king and james ingram at the top of our lungs.
sometimes opera blaring.
sampling all sorts of local delicacies.
first time to eat kamias, straight off the tree.
first time i pulled out my camera in the Philippines.

remembered how to smile.
how to laugh.
how to breathe.
found ease again.
found music.
and connection.

found perspective.
found more clarity.
and moving towards forgiveness.
and soothing my ruffled ego.

on the way down, we saw a motorcycle wreck.
we pulled over to help.
i helped save a man’s life.
funny, how that training kicks in automatically.

airway.
breathing.
pulse.

Reimon, translate for me.

cuts.
wounds.
broken hand. maybe arm.
but, alive.

afterward, i climbed back into the truck, shaking a little.
i remember this feeling, too.
after an ambulance would come to the er.
or a patient’s heart stopped or she stopped breathing in the icu.

it’s the coming down from the adrenaline.
i get so physically tired and my mind shuts down.
it’s like a protective mechanism.
no more trauma please.
it’s when i feel like crumpling into a heap
and sobbing for no reason other than realizing
how strong and fragile we creatures are.

how it all can change so very fast.
and it does move so fast.

i curled into a ball and snuggled into my malong and half listened to Reimon talk about the near car wrecks he has been in, in the same area where we were.
i couldn’t say anything, so i just reached up and gently squeezed his shoulder.

then, he said, “you saved that man’s life.”
right away i said, “no. i didn’t do anything.”

i’m shaking my head and laughing at myself now.

hello?

uh, yes, you did.

WHY do i do that?

maybe it has something to do with not wanting to be mayabang.
or maybe it’s that i don’t want to differentiate myself from everyone else.
(i’m not special or different! i’m just like everyone else, damn it!)
or maybe it’s that i don’t want to fully bear the responsibility of being a healer.

when he regained consciousness,
i looked into that man’s eyes.
he looked into mine.
there was understanding there.
we were talking with no words.
i kept my hand on his shoulder, reassuring him with my touch.

i saw the blood from his wounds, from his mouth.
did he bite his tongue?
who knows how long he was unconscious?
i repositioned him so he could breathe again.
it all moves so fast.
all it took was a slight adjustment.
but, what a significant one.