somethings shifted.
things are not as hard.
well, things are still just as hard, but i'm different.
can it really be that easy?
can a shift happen just like that?
ease.
hello, ease.
so nice to meet you.
come sit beside me.
stay awhile.
i want to get to know you.
i've been feeling so overwhelmed.
so overwhelmed that i've been missing the abundant joy and the blessings that is my life.
it's been available the whole time.
now, i can see it.
and feel it.
and live it.
i am given, have been given, and i already have everything i need to move through even the most difficult situations and challenges.
amazing, really.
it's been available to me the whole time.
it's just a small shift, and a whole new world has opened up to me...
again.
Friday, November 30, 2007
Friday, November 23, 2007
tagged
got tagged by Leny
http://kathang-pinay.blogspot.com
Food Tour
a culinary journal by Claude Tayag
with illustrations and recipes
pg.161, 6th sentence:
"Garnish with basil and chilies and serve hot."
am reading this amazing book.
found it by accident.
or did it find me?
actually had the opportunity to meet the author (and break bread, er, rice with), Claude, on my recent road trip. turns out he is a good friend of Reimon's. and we met up with him and other foodies at Casa Remedios in Laoag, Ilocos Norte.
moonlight dinner.
seaside.
i was at national bookstore at sm clark the other day, looking for another book titled Philippine Ancestral Homes by Martin Tinio and Gilda Cordero-Fernando, and met this one instead.
delicious read.
literally.
and hilarious, too.
flipped through it and was reading excerpts in the bookstore and laughing out loud. throw your head back kind of laugh out loud. basically, it is a collection of essays and "food musings" about Claude's food trips throughout the Philippines and beyond, complete with tips on where to go, how to go, what to order, and even phone numbers and addresses of places. my kind of book!
i see another food, er, road trip in my future.
also met Mary Ann, wife of Claude, who grew up in Mabalacat, which, incidentally, is right down the road from Madapdap.
connections abound.
http://kathang-pinay.blogspot.com
Food Tour
a culinary journal by Claude Tayag
with illustrations and recipes
pg.161, 6th sentence:
"Garnish with basil and chilies and serve hot."
am reading this amazing book.
found it by accident.
or did it find me?
actually had the opportunity to meet the author (and break bread, er, rice with), Claude, on my recent road trip. turns out he is a good friend of Reimon's. and we met up with him and other foodies at Casa Remedios in Laoag, Ilocos Norte.
moonlight dinner.
seaside.
i was at national bookstore at sm clark the other day, looking for another book titled Philippine Ancestral Homes by Martin Tinio and Gilda Cordero-Fernando, and met this one instead.
delicious read.
literally.
and hilarious, too.
flipped through it and was reading excerpts in the bookstore and laughing out loud. throw your head back kind of laugh out loud. basically, it is a collection of essays and "food musings" about Claude's food trips throughout the Philippines and beyond, complete with tips on where to go, how to go, what to order, and even phone numbers and addresses of places. my kind of book!
i see another food, er, road trip in my future.
also met Mary Ann, wife of Claude, who grew up in Mabalacat, which, incidentally, is right down the road from Madapdap.
connections abound.
Wednesday, November 21, 2007
upsurge
from astro.com:
A noticeable upsurge ***
Valid during several days: Under this very positive influence you will, at least to a certain extent, be able to change your spots. You could confide in a well-meaning person, being able to reveal things that you would otherwise keep to yourself. This influence will also bring you into contact with such a person, or help you to discover someone within your wider circle of friends. Any kind of therapy or treatment will now be particularly beneficial. This is also a good time to begin a new therapy or course of study or further education on the subject. A change of place can have a positive effect as well, and you can be certain that any holiday will now be especially rejuvenating.
This influence is linked to a process of healing or self-healing caused by questioning the meaning of individual and collective suffering. Things which you usually find psychologically or physically embarrassing or painful will now lose some of their gravity. Hidden feelings of being ashamed or inadequate will seem less oppressive, which will help you to accept and see them in a more objective light. You are now more tolerant of your own sensitivities and more prepared than usual to make compromises. If you somehow feel rather sorry for yourself or are prone to self-pity then you may now be better able to let go of such feelings. You can gain new perspectives on things which you usually tend to see in a negative light.
activity period from 17 November 2007 to 26 November 2007.
phew.
A noticeable upsurge ***
Valid during several days: Under this very positive influence you will, at least to a certain extent, be able to change your spots. You could confide in a well-meaning person, being able to reveal things that you would otherwise keep to yourself. This influence will also bring you into contact with such a person, or help you to discover someone within your wider circle of friends. Any kind of therapy or treatment will now be particularly beneficial. This is also a good time to begin a new therapy or course of study or further education on the subject. A change of place can have a positive effect as well, and you can be certain that any holiday will now be especially rejuvenating.
This influence is linked to a process of healing or self-healing caused by questioning the meaning of individual and collective suffering. Things which you usually find psychologically or physically embarrassing or painful will now lose some of their gravity. Hidden feelings of being ashamed or inadequate will seem less oppressive, which will help you to accept and see them in a more objective light. You are now more tolerant of your own sensitivities and more prepared than usual to make compromises. If you somehow feel rather sorry for yourself or are prone to self-pity then you may now be better able to let go of such feelings. You can gain new perspectives on things which you usually tend to see in a negative light.
activity period from 17 November 2007 to 26 November 2007.
phew.
Erica and Mary Oliver
got my first mail here at the clinic.
one word.
THRILLING.
what is it about getting real mail?
email is great, don’t get me wrong.
but there is something about getting a real live letter.
that’s just it.
it’s alive.
i can touch it.
feel it.
smell it.
know that the sender also touched this envelope, this paper.
the pen scratched out
these letters
to make words
to make sentences.
to send to me.
it’s visceral.
it’s comforting to know that it touched my friend,
all the way from the other side of the earth.
the mailman came on a motorcycle.
he called out, “Tao po!” at the gate.
“Pasok po,” i answered.
“Villanueva?”
“Opo.” My eyes popping out of my head. One letter! One padded envelope!
“Tatlong beces na pumunta ako dito o.”
“Pasensiya na po. May dalawa? Naku. Maraming salamat po.”
a man passing by (maybe he is my neighbor?) saw the wide smile on my face.
he said something to the mailman about how happy i looked. i think he helped him find the clinic.
masaya talaga.
courtesy of erica, am listening to canon, ani difranco’s latest.
read her letter three, okay, maybe four times.
she included two poems.
When I Am Among the Trees
Mary Oliver
Especially the willows and the honey locust,
equally the beech, the oaks, and the pines,
they give off such hints of gladness.
I would almost say that they save me, and daily.
I am so distant from the hope of myself,
in which I have goodness, and discernment,
and never hurry through the world
but walk slowly, and bow often.
Around me, the trees stir in their leaves and call out, “Stay awhile.”
The light flows from their branches.
And they call again, “It’s simple,” they say,
“and you too have come into the world to do this, to go easy, to be filled
with light, and to shine.
Messenger
Mary Oliver
The work is loving the world.
Here the sunfowers, there the hummingbird—
equal seekers of sweetness.
Here the quickening yeast; there the blue plums.
Here the clam deep in the speckled sand.
Are my boots old? Is my coat torn?
Am I no longer young, and still not half perfect? Let me
keep my mind on what matters,
which is my work,
which is mostly standing still and learning to be astonished.
The phoebe, the delphinium.
The sheep in the pasture, and the pasture.
Which is mostly rejoicing, since all the ingredients are here,
Which is gratitude, to be given a mind and a heart
and these body-clothes,
a mouth with which to give shouts of joy,
to the moth and the wren, to the sleepy dug-up clam,
telling them all, over and over, how it is
that we live forever.
i wrote her back right away.
i enclosed a leaf from a kamias tree in san vicente, in the backyard of a family of furniture makers.
will find the post office tomorrow.
i might beat this letter back to the states.
maybe she’ll get it the same day that we meet for one of our breakfast dates.
i hope so.
one word.
THRILLING.
what is it about getting real mail?
email is great, don’t get me wrong.
but there is something about getting a real live letter.
that’s just it.
it’s alive.
i can touch it.
feel it.
smell it.
know that the sender also touched this envelope, this paper.
the pen scratched out
these letters
to make words
to make sentences.
to send to me.
it’s visceral.
it’s comforting to know that it touched my friend,
all the way from the other side of the earth.
the mailman came on a motorcycle.
he called out, “Tao po!” at the gate.
“Pasok po,” i answered.
“Villanueva?”
“Opo.” My eyes popping out of my head. One letter! One padded envelope!
“Tatlong beces na pumunta ako dito o.”
“Pasensiya na po. May dalawa? Naku. Maraming salamat po.”
a man passing by (maybe he is my neighbor?) saw the wide smile on my face.
he said something to the mailman about how happy i looked. i think he helped him find the clinic.
masaya talaga.
courtesy of erica, am listening to canon, ani difranco’s latest.
read her letter three, okay, maybe four times.
she included two poems.
When I Am Among the Trees
Mary Oliver
Especially the willows and the honey locust,
equally the beech, the oaks, and the pines,
they give off such hints of gladness.
I would almost say that they save me, and daily.
I am so distant from the hope of myself,
in which I have goodness, and discernment,
and never hurry through the world
but walk slowly, and bow often.
Around me, the trees stir in their leaves and call out, “Stay awhile.”
The light flows from their branches.
And they call again, “It’s simple,” they say,
“and you too have come into the world to do this, to go easy, to be filled
with light, and to shine.
Messenger
Mary Oliver
The work is loving the world.
Here the sunfowers, there the hummingbird—
equal seekers of sweetness.
Here the quickening yeast; there the blue plums.
Here the clam deep in the speckled sand.
Are my boots old? Is my coat torn?
Am I no longer young, and still not half perfect? Let me
keep my mind on what matters,
which is my work,
which is mostly standing still and learning to be astonished.
The phoebe, the delphinium.
The sheep in the pasture, and the pasture.
Which is mostly rejoicing, since all the ingredients are here,
Which is gratitude, to be given a mind and a heart
and these body-clothes,
a mouth with which to give shouts of joy,
to the moth and the wren, to the sleepy dug-up clam,
telling them all, over and over, how it is
that we live forever.
i wrote her back right away.
i enclosed a leaf from a kamias tree in san vicente, in the backyard of a family of furniture makers.
will find the post office tomorrow.
i might beat this letter back to the states.
maybe she’ll get it the same day that we meet for one of our breakfast dates.
i hope so.
slight adjustment
just got back from a 10 day road trip with my friend, Reimon.
was so necessary.
was going to implode.
or worse yet, explode.
or even worse yet, murder.
needed a place and space to move through and transform all of these feelings and frustrations and pains and anger and fears and worries and anxieties that were overwhelming me.
the reality of living in madapdap roughed me up a bit.
needed a safe place to regroup, reground, reset.
we drove all the way to pagudpud, ilocos norte.
i’d never been north of sagada before.
masaya.
from pampanga,
we drove
to banaue (hello Jabbers!)
to bontoc (museum, awesome cordillera music)
to sagada (Lianna, Rodney, Madison, Segrid, Cez, Brian, and River; yogurt house!)
to baguio (vocas, dancing to drums and gongs, kidlat and kawayan; raisin bread!)
to san fernando, la union (greg, agnes; tuna belly!)
to vigan (linens, cobblestone streets, bahay na bato; empanadas and coke!)
to paoay (marcos encased in wax--weird.)
to burgos (lighthouse, alien windmills; bagnet!)
to pagudpud (swim, swim at sunset. delicious ocean.)
then back down again.
reimon is an architect and he was teaching a three week course on architecture to waldorf high school students. amazing creatures, these students. beautiful voices. they sang and sang. compared the sound of different spaces-caves, churches, cliffs, cars, outside, inside, into the wind, windmills... at the very top of the lighthouse, with the sun and the wind and the music, i could have wept for days, it was so transcendentally beautiful.
i’ll remember this trip always.
windows down,
hair blowing all ways,
singing carol king and james ingram at the top of our lungs.
sometimes opera blaring.
sampling all sorts of local delicacies.
first time to eat kamias, straight off the tree.
first time i pulled out my camera in the Philippines.
remembered how to smile.
how to laugh.
how to breathe.
found ease again.
found music.
and connection.
found perspective.
found more clarity.
and moving towards forgiveness.
and soothing my ruffled ego.
on the way down, we saw a motorcycle wreck.
we pulled over to help.
i helped save a man’s life.
funny, how that training kicks in automatically.
airway.
breathing.
pulse.
Reimon, translate for me.
cuts.
wounds.
broken hand. maybe arm.
but, alive.
afterward, i climbed back into the truck, shaking a little.
i remember this feeling, too.
after an ambulance would come to the er.
or a patient’s heart stopped or she stopped breathing in the icu.
it’s the coming down from the adrenaline.
i get so physically tired and my mind shuts down.
it’s like a protective mechanism.
no more trauma please.
it’s when i feel like crumpling into a heap
and sobbing for no reason other than realizing
how strong and fragile we creatures are.
how it all can change so very fast.
and it does move so fast.
i curled into a ball and snuggled into my malong and half listened to Reimon talk about the near car wrecks he has been in, in the same area where we were.
i couldn’t say anything, so i just reached up and gently squeezed his shoulder.
then, he said, “you saved that man’s life.”
right away i said, “no. i didn’t do anything.”
i’m shaking my head and laughing at myself now.
hello?
uh, yes, you did.
WHY do i do that?
maybe it has something to do with not wanting to be mayabang.
or maybe it’s that i don’t want to differentiate myself from everyone else.
(i’m not special or different! i’m just like everyone else, damn it!)
or maybe it’s that i don’t want to fully bear the responsibility of being a healer.
when he regained consciousness,
i looked into that man’s eyes.
he looked into mine.
there was understanding there.
we were talking with no words.
i kept my hand on his shoulder, reassuring him with my touch.
i saw the blood from his wounds, from his mouth.
did he bite his tongue?
who knows how long he was unconscious?
i repositioned him so he could breathe again.
it all moves so fast.
all it took was a slight adjustment.
but, what a significant one.
was so necessary.
was going to implode.
or worse yet, explode.
or even worse yet, murder.
needed a place and space to move through and transform all of these feelings and frustrations and pains and anger and fears and worries and anxieties that were overwhelming me.
the reality of living in madapdap roughed me up a bit.
needed a safe place to regroup, reground, reset.
we drove all the way to pagudpud, ilocos norte.
i’d never been north of sagada before.
masaya.
from pampanga,
we drove
to banaue (hello Jabbers!)
to bontoc (museum, awesome cordillera music)
to sagada (Lianna, Rodney, Madison, Segrid, Cez, Brian, and River; yogurt house!)
to baguio (vocas, dancing to drums and gongs, kidlat and kawayan; raisin bread!)
to san fernando, la union (greg, agnes; tuna belly!)
to vigan (linens, cobblestone streets, bahay na bato; empanadas and coke!)
to paoay (marcos encased in wax--weird.)
to burgos (lighthouse, alien windmills; bagnet!)
to pagudpud (swim, swim at sunset. delicious ocean.)
then back down again.
reimon is an architect and he was teaching a three week course on architecture to waldorf high school students. amazing creatures, these students. beautiful voices. they sang and sang. compared the sound of different spaces-caves, churches, cliffs, cars, outside, inside, into the wind, windmills... at the very top of the lighthouse, with the sun and the wind and the music, i could have wept for days, it was so transcendentally beautiful.
i’ll remember this trip always.
windows down,
hair blowing all ways,
singing carol king and james ingram at the top of our lungs.
sometimes opera blaring.
sampling all sorts of local delicacies.
first time to eat kamias, straight off the tree.
first time i pulled out my camera in the Philippines.
remembered how to smile.
how to laugh.
how to breathe.
found ease again.
found music.
and connection.
found perspective.
found more clarity.
and moving towards forgiveness.
and soothing my ruffled ego.
on the way down, we saw a motorcycle wreck.
we pulled over to help.
i helped save a man’s life.
funny, how that training kicks in automatically.
airway.
breathing.
pulse.
Reimon, translate for me.
cuts.
wounds.
broken hand. maybe arm.
but, alive.
afterward, i climbed back into the truck, shaking a little.
i remember this feeling, too.
after an ambulance would come to the er.
or a patient’s heart stopped or she stopped breathing in the icu.
it’s the coming down from the adrenaline.
i get so physically tired and my mind shuts down.
it’s like a protective mechanism.
no more trauma please.
it’s when i feel like crumpling into a heap
and sobbing for no reason other than realizing
how strong and fragile we creatures are.
how it all can change so very fast.
and it does move so fast.
i curled into a ball and snuggled into my malong and half listened to Reimon talk about the near car wrecks he has been in, in the same area where we were.
i couldn’t say anything, so i just reached up and gently squeezed his shoulder.
then, he said, “you saved that man’s life.”
right away i said, “no. i didn’t do anything.”
i’m shaking my head and laughing at myself now.
hello?
uh, yes, you did.
WHY do i do that?
maybe it has something to do with not wanting to be mayabang.
or maybe it’s that i don’t want to differentiate myself from everyone else.
(i’m not special or different! i’m just like everyone else, damn it!)
or maybe it’s that i don’t want to fully bear the responsibility of being a healer.
when he regained consciousness,
i looked into that man’s eyes.
he looked into mine.
there was understanding there.
we were talking with no words.
i kept my hand on his shoulder, reassuring him with my touch.
i saw the blood from his wounds, from his mouth.
did he bite his tongue?
who knows how long he was unconscious?
i repositioned him so he could breathe again.
it all moves so fast.
all it took was a slight adjustment.
but, what a significant one.
Thursday, November 8, 2007
pasko
mom: bakit? ayaw mo magpasko dito?
me: no, mom, it’s not that. of course not. ano ba?
mom: dapat, magpasko ka dito, sabi ng daddy mo.
me: mom, if you are giving me a ticket there, i’d rather come for cami’s wedding.
mom: matagal pa yun. bakit? ayaw mo magpasko dito? we’re so worried about you. sino ang kasama dyan? saan ka magstay?
me: i’m here in pampanga. mag-isa lang ako. mom, if you are wondering how i am, all you have to ask me. i’ll tell you.
mom: ayaw mo bang magpasko dito?
this is the abridged version.
mercifully, our phone conversation was cut short because, well, i don’t know why really. her phone card ran out yata. i was going to bed. she was just starting her day.
of course i want to go back to the states.
this past week, i’ve been feeling:
miserable.
lonely.
alone.
unsure
unloved.
broke.
broken.
impatient.
scared.
isolative.
isolating.
alienated.
alien.
angry.
hateful.
spiteful.
violent.
petty.
small.
scared.
scared.
scarred.
and
scared.
am i an idiot for turning down a plane ticket back?
at first, i ended up saying no to her right away. then, she kept asking and asking. ultimately, i said, “i’ll just let you know, okay?”
then the phone went silent. call dropped.
so, here i am. sitting with it.
it feels too early to go back.
i’m afraid that if i go back now, i won’t come back here.
i’m afraid that if i go back now, i’ll be setting my journey back significantly.
and, there’s this part of me that aches to go back.
not necessarily because i miss the states.
of course, i miss my peeps there.
it’s just that i miss familiarity.
familiarity connotes safety, however flawed.
i miss feeling safe.
when was the last time i felt that?
ever since i started on my spiritual path, my ego has been a little nervous.
makes sense naman. she is running for her life.
the following morning, i realized that i said “no” automatically. i hadn’t even considered the question. (just how often do i do this?!?) maybe because it came from my mother. and often, i hear demands, instead of questions. so, i mute my ears. and close my heart. it bothered me that she didn’t call back after the call dropped.
i texted my dad.
me: duds, can you or mom call me here? i want to talk about Christmas.
duds: hello Karen, mom will call you today. love, Dad.
five minutes later…
duds: i want you to come home. i miss you so much.
naku. it always catches me off guard when he expresses his feelings with me. kasi, it’s so rare,eh. i can count the number of times on my two hands. and lately, it’s been thru unexpected texts.
then, i realized, i wanted to see him. to hug him. to heal together, in person. touching. to talk with him. to try to talk with him. it's about relationship, being in relationship. also learning how to be close and how to be far and how to be close when far.
me: i know duds. i miss you, too. i think i can go there for Christmas, and then i need to come back here. how does that sound?
duds: ok. what’s left for you to do in the PI? Please send email today.
me: it’s night here, duds. i’ll email bukas. there is still so much for me to learn here AND my heart aches to be away from you. there is purpose to this pain.
me: no, mom, it’s not that. of course not. ano ba?
mom: dapat, magpasko ka dito, sabi ng daddy mo.
me: mom, if you are giving me a ticket there, i’d rather come for cami’s wedding.
mom: matagal pa yun. bakit? ayaw mo magpasko dito? we’re so worried about you. sino ang kasama dyan? saan ka magstay?
me: i’m here in pampanga. mag-isa lang ako. mom, if you are wondering how i am, all you have to ask me. i’ll tell you.
mom: ayaw mo bang magpasko dito?
this is the abridged version.
mercifully, our phone conversation was cut short because, well, i don’t know why really. her phone card ran out yata. i was going to bed. she was just starting her day.
of course i want to go back to the states.
this past week, i’ve been feeling:
miserable.
lonely.
alone.
unsure
unloved.
broke.
broken.
impatient.
scared.
isolative.
isolating.
alienated.
alien.
angry.
hateful.
spiteful.
violent.
petty.
small.
scared.
scared.
scarred.
and
scared.
am i an idiot for turning down a plane ticket back?
at first, i ended up saying no to her right away. then, she kept asking and asking. ultimately, i said, “i’ll just let you know, okay?”
then the phone went silent. call dropped.
so, here i am. sitting with it.
it feels too early to go back.
i’m afraid that if i go back now, i won’t come back here.
i’m afraid that if i go back now, i’ll be setting my journey back significantly.
and, there’s this part of me that aches to go back.
not necessarily because i miss the states.
of course, i miss my peeps there.
it’s just that i miss familiarity.
familiarity connotes safety, however flawed.
i miss feeling safe.
when was the last time i felt that?
ever since i started on my spiritual path, my ego has been a little nervous.
makes sense naman. she is running for her life.
the following morning, i realized that i said “no” automatically. i hadn’t even considered the question. (just how often do i do this?!?) maybe because it came from my mother. and often, i hear demands, instead of questions. so, i mute my ears. and close my heart. it bothered me that she didn’t call back after the call dropped.
i texted my dad.
me: duds, can you or mom call me here? i want to talk about Christmas.
duds: hello Karen, mom will call you today. love, Dad.
five minutes later…
duds: i want you to come home. i miss you so much.
naku. it always catches me off guard when he expresses his feelings with me. kasi, it’s so rare,eh. i can count the number of times on my two hands. and lately, it’s been thru unexpected texts.
then, i realized, i wanted to see him. to hug him. to heal together, in person. touching. to talk with him. to try to talk with him. it's about relationship, being in relationship. also learning how to be close and how to be far and how to be close when far.
me: i know duds. i miss you, too. i think i can go there for Christmas, and then i need to come back here. how does that sound?
duds: ok. what’s left for you to do in the PI? Please send email today.
me: it’s night here, duds. i’ll email bukas. there is still so much for me to learn here AND my heart aches to be away from you. there is purpose to this pain.
Thursday, November 1, 2007
out
i want out.
good thing i know that this is just a feeling.
and i am not my feelings.
but, shit.
this is hard.
i don’t even know what to say.
or how to say it.
trying to find my rhythm here.
it’s hard to find, for all the fear.
certainly feeling fear.
and loneliness.
this annhilation space.
i know this place.
it is a place where courage is born.
what did pema say again?
pg.9 when things fall apart
“only to the extent that we expose ourselves over and over to annihilation can that which is indestructible be found in us.”
finished the warrior book this morning.
potent stuff.
the section on the frontier (aka the Unknown) spoke to me particularly this morning.
pg. 231 the craft of the warrior
“crossing the border into the unknown is always a test of the warrior’s training and skill. confusion and fear usually accompany the warrior and common man alike in crossing the frontier, but how people act after that is key. the ordinary person is likely to be frozen with fear, to be blinded by confusion, and to retreat. the warrior has a momentous skill in that he knows what to do when he does not know what to do. as in the rest of his life, the warrior responds strategically to the situation. his strategy includes the following elements:
1. recognizing that the feelings of confusion and panic mean that he has crossed the frontier. the warriors does not indulge in the feelings but moves beyond them.
2. shifting to higher levels of awarness of self and surroundings. he gathers information about the new situation instead of relying on old data from the known.
3. relying on internal rather than external reference points. he realizes that familiar external landmarks do not exist in the unknown.
4. not-doing of habitual responses. he understands new circumstances call for flexibility and choice.
knowing what to do when you don’t know what to do allows you to journey into the unknown, use expanded perception to enhance your relationship with the universe, and return to the known claiming knowledge as power.
the warrior’s particular path often determines where he crosses into the unknown. Castaneda spoke of the warrior finding and following his path with heart, which means taking a direction that gives meaning and purpose to one’s life. a person is, of course, free to select any path, and all paths ultimately lead to the same end anyway—death. so, it is really a question of how one wants to live…”
so, this annihilation space is not new for me.
dare i say, it’s becoming more familiar.
i recognize it for what it is.
a portal.
an opportunity to shed another layer.
an opportunity to practice discernment.
and compassion.
and goodness, patience.
and patience.
and, hell, some more patience.
darling self, the answers are coming.
you are actually creating them.
co-creating them with the Universe.
you are living them.
remember to smile.
and enjoy the view.
love, love, love yourself.
there is no other way to do this sustainably.
forgive your missteps.
forgive your arrogance.
forgive your fear.
and forgive it in others.
did all my laundry by hand yesterday.
it smells like sunshine and a little like dust.
ate hot pan de sal this morning from the bakery ten steps away from the clinic.
next step to set up the kitchen.
faucet leaks.
roof leaks.
ipis.
off to dau.
(yoga, i’m coming…promise.)
good thing i know that this is just a feeling.
and i am not my feelings.
but, shit.
this is hard.
i don’t even know what to say.
or how to say it.
trying to find my rhythm here.
it’s hard to find, for all the fear.
certainly feeling fear.
and loneliness.
this annhilation space.
i know this place.
it is a place where courage is born.
what did pema say again?
pg.9 when things fall apart
“only to the extent that we expose ourselves over and over to annihilation can that which is indestructible be found in us.”
finished the warrior book this morning.
potent stuff.
the section on the frontier (aka the Unknown) spoke to me particularly this morning.
pg. 231 the craft of the warrior
“crossing the border into the unknown is always a test of the warrior’s training and skill. confusion and fear usually accompany the warrior and common man alike in crossing the frontier, but how people act after that is key. the ordinary person is likely to be frozen with fear, to be blinded by confusion, and to retreat. the warrior has a momentous skill in that he knows what to do when he does not know what to do. as in the rest of his life, the warrior responds strategically to the situation. his strategy includes the following elements:
1. recognizing that the feelings of confusion and panic mean that he has crossed the frontier. the warriors does not indulge in the feelings but moves beyond them.
2. shifting to higher levels of awarness of self and surroundings. he gathers information about the new situation instead of relying on old data from the known.
3. relying on internal rather than external reference points. he realizes that familiar external landmarks do not exist in the unknown.
4. not-doing of habitual responses. he understands new circumstances call for flexibility and choice.
knowing what to do when you don’t know what to do allows you to journey into the unknown, use expanded perception to enhance your relationship with the universe, and return to the known claiming knowledge as power.
the warrior’s particular path often determines where he crosses into the unknown. Castaneda spoke of the warrior finding and following his path with heart, which means taking a direction that gives meaning and purpose to one’s life. a person is, of course, free to select any path, and all paths ultimately lead to the same end anyway—death. so, it is really a question of how one wants to live…”
so, this annihilation space is not new for me.
dare i say, it’s becoming more familiar.
i recognize it for what it is.
a portal.
an opportunity to shed another layer.
an opportunity to practice discernment.
and compassion.
and goodness, patience.
and patience.
and, hell, some more patience.
darling self, the answers are coming.
you are actually creating them.
co-creating them with the Universe.
you are living them.
remember to smile.
and enjoy the view.
love, love, love yourself.
there is no other way to do this sustainably.
forgive your missteps.
forgive your arrogance.
forgive your fear.
and forgive it in others.
did all my laundry by hand yesterday.
it smells like sunshine and a little like dust.
ate hot pan de sal this morning from the bakery ten steps away from the clinic.
next step to set up the kitchen.
faucet leaks.
roof leaks.
ipis.
off to dau.
(yoga, i’m coming…promise.)
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