wilder

i resigned my position at the clinic.
perhaps it was the little laura ingalls in me that was so attracted to doing what i've been doing.
it was such a big part of this identity that i created for myself.
it became almost rote.
almost.

"i'm a nurse volunteer, here from the states. i run a clinic for toxic waste victims, children with cerebral palsy, in pampanga."

as if that is my main identity.
it's not.
not that the clinic work isn't noble or worthy.
that's just not how i wish to identify myself, yet i did it. a lot.
(the scarier question for me is... if i didn't want to identify myself like this, in this limited way, WHY did i do it? ugh. not now.)

the clinic is a converted house in the middle of a resettlement area.
i set up the clinic, and the systems that run it.
i made connections, organized, and helped empower people to recognize their gifts.
part of me, i think, was so curious to see if i could even hack living on my own, in a very different kind of lifestyle.

well, i found out that i can.
i can even do it well.

that's good information for me to have.
it's the thing that i now measure all daunting things against, and then they don't feel so daunting.

i've said it before.
the clinic is my cover.
cover for what, Muki?
why do i even need a cover?
why was it again that i decided to come here in the first place?

it wasn't to run a clinic.
it was to reclaim my wholeness.
it was to help other fil-ams reclaim theirs.

there are parts of my soul scattered all over the Philippines.
buried in the earth.
swimming in the sea.
mingling high up in the wind and mountains.
parts of me are hidden in the pause before the dawn breaks, the moment before it rains, the moment right after it stops.
parts of me live in the place where the sun goes right after he dips below the horizon.
i'm in the rice and sugar cane fields.
i'm in the bird's songs.
parts of me live in the spaces between the feathers on their wings, spread wide as the fly.
i'm in the breath between sentences spouted off in kampampangan, taglish, english, tagalog, ilocano, ilonggo.
parts of me live in the silence of solitude, in the sound of my footsteps as i walk alone on this sacred earth.
parts of me live in the camaraderie of intimate seekers, especially old, old friends who have not yet met.
i am hidden in the dance, the ancient dance, the innerdance with no music, no guru.
i'm in a candle flame.

no wonder i couldn't find them at the clinic.
i have to be traveling or in nature to find them.

somehow i lost my way. and fortunately, the Universe has directed me back onto my Path.
or at the very least, she has highlighted, very sharply that i'm in dire need of a course correction.
as my dear friend Leny recently wrote, "there are always markers."
perhaps the Universe did not want me to miss this particular marker, because it's shaken me to the core.

it's like i didn't realize the misalignment all that much at first.
it's like when your alignment is off in your car, and when you are driving in a straight line, your trajectory is only a little bit skewed in the beginning. then you continue driving straight and it isn't until you go driving for awhile that you notice how way off course you've come.
this is where i stopped the car and was like, "whoa. i am so off course. how did this happen?"
then a week's worth of solitude and reflection reveals this seemingly small misalignment in the beginning of the journey, the justifications and excuses i made up to cover it, and how with time, the trajectory angle became so obtuse that it got harder and harder to keep up the facade. and that my relationship with Mayora became increasingly more painful and difficult to navigate was significant to my recognizing that i was living misaligned, that i was choosing to live misaligned.

i had this image, this idea of what my life here was supposed to be, what it was supposed to look like.
and even when it was doing it's very best to show me what it really was, i could not see it because i chose not to.
as my dear Teacher recently wrote, "the precious gift of choice."

it's hard for me to try to articulate all of this, especially as i stumble through it.
and, it's kind of embarrassing.
i'm heartbroken because of what i've done, the repeated choice not to see.
(or is it most heartbreaking that i saw and chose to pretend that i didn't see?)
the impact i have, especially because of who i am and who i am becoming...
i am gaining a deeper and deeper understanding of this, and i wish to wield it more responsibly from now on.

i'm humbled because i understand myself more fully now, and that helps me move through the embarrassment that i feel.
am grateful for this depth of understanding.
and awed by the strength of my ego.
somehow, i feel like this has been a strange kind of princess and the pea syndrome.

ultimately, i can't regret this experience.
no doubt, this has also been part of the Divine plan for me.
this indelible, lived experience.

i forgive myself for being reckless with my spirit, for living willingly with the misalignment.
i can understand where this choice originated from.
and this deeper understanding has left a significant imprint on my brain and heart.
every cell in my body, actually.

but now, it's time to create my Life.
meaning that it's time to name and call out to the Beings and circumstances that are indeed aligned with the next part of this journey.
i sing to them my sorrows and grief, and i'm ready for them to come and teach and guide me, in a more aligned way.
i thank them for their patience and this painful initiation.