34

in a few days, i will be 34.
it seems like one of those moments (or series of moments) that begs the retrospective.

part of me longs to do this.
part of me thinks it will be too painful.
part of me thinks it will take up too much time and energy.
(what is too much? it's more than i am willing to expend at the moment.)

my friend Leny said to me a couple of months ago, "my gosh, Karen, your life is so wide open."
yes, it is.
and, at times, i am perfectly fine with this.
then there are those moments that i am so anxious over this.
it's like i find myself in the old tape loop saying:
you can't do that.
you shouldn't do that.
what are you going to do for money?
what are you doing with your life?

i've been traveling with my mother and sister these last few weeks and have been playing the hapless tourist.
well, not quite hapless.
but, it's like i am playing a part in this strange balikbayan movie.
and it's a role that i certainly know how to play.
but i don't want to anymore.
it doesn't fit.
but i want to spend time with my mom and sister.

we've gone to many places.
and stayed in the finest resorts and hotels.
it's been quite decadent actually.
one day, we had breakfast in davao, lunch in cebu, and dinner in bacolod.
crazy.

i find myself wishing for my solitude again.
my little place waits for me in barangay san vicente, sta. rita.
there is no breakfast buffet, with people tripping over themselves to fuss over my teapot.
there are no white fluffy towels and valet turn-down service at night.
there is no air-con or l'occitane bath toiletries and products.

i wonder if Mang Bernardo is done making my kawayan furniture.
i wonder if the screens are installed in my windows.

and then i wonder how much longer will i be here?
if i had a dollar each time i got that question, i wouldn't have to worry about money.
it's a question i am not comfortable with.
or perhaps it is the answer that i am uncomfortable with.

i don't know.

i really don't.
i won't know until i know.

my sister graduates from nursing school in march.
my other sister will give birth in january.
i'll go back to the states in february for a visit.
and then back here again?

i think to myself, will i finally feel settled here in the philippines and then leave it all for the states?
the thought of living in the states is not appealing, at all, to me right now.
though, i have to admit, that the other morning as i watched CNN coverage of the time leading up to Barack Obama's acceptance speech at the DNC, i actually found myself missing the states. i was actually moved to tears thinking about how my peeps in the bay area must be abuzz with energy and excitement.

i wonder how the landscape will change when Obama becomes president.

i wonder also how i will live into this life i am creating.
i think i put great pressure on myself.
that my life is supposed to be big.

i am such a reluctant healer.
and i loathe to think of myself this way.
but, it's true.
the responsibility scares me.
what if i can't live up to it?

my reiki teacher, Aisa and i recently visited an orphanage for special children in cavite.
we stayed for two days.
the first day, we did a healing ritual for me.
the second day we shared reiki with the kids.

the Universe challenges me to rise above my own fear.
thankfully, She is patient with me, as i fumble and dig my heels.
i have been asked to settle myself, to fix my place how i want it, so that my vision can become clearer.
after my mother and sister leave, this will be done.
my heart beats a little faster and my breath quickens because i know i am systematically painting myself into the corner of Awakening.

my Ego is running for her life.
poor thing.

i'll turn 34 flying to boracay with my mother.
i think i'll just enjoy this decadence while it lasts.
Because it won't last!