lost horizon

pg. 152
lost horizon
by james hilton

"For years, passions had been like a nerve that the world jarred on:
now at last the aching was soothed, and he could yield himself to love that was
neither a torment nor a bore."

i ask you,
does this really exist?

i realize that in matters concerning love, i tend, like any good hopeless romantic pinay worth her salt, to the tumultuous.
if it isn't torment, isn't it a bore?

i recall a gchat with my friend venus early last year.
i spilled my guts about a particularly tortuous torment.
and venus wrote,
"well, u deserve someone who can receive u as u r..... i don't feel relationships have to be so difficult, ya know."
(her words still startle me with their simplicity and Truth.)

someone who can receive me like i am?
i don't even do that with myself.
(well, not completely, anyway.)
learning, learning.

i also realize as i reflect on my past torments (hee), i am learning.
and getting closer to receiving me like i am.
and getting better at receiving others like they are.

i have to admit though:
i am afraid of hurting others...again.
i am afraid of getting hurt...again.

i've been doing a lot of thinking about this, and here's the thing:
it is practically a guarantee that we, as human creatures in authentic relationship, will hurt each other.

we do this.
it is what we do.

it is the ways in which we do this and also how we make amends for our misgivings that speak volumes about our character.
how do we move through conflict?
how do we draw compassionate boundaries?
how do we honor our commitments? to ourselves? to one another?
how do we bear discomfort in placing honesty above complacency?
how do we forgive?

so, the point is, not to be afraid of getting hurt, or causing hurt.
the point is to take good care that we are not reckless with our own hearts nor allow others to be reckless with them either.
the point is to take good care that we are not reckless with others' hearts as well.

how does one do this?
and as i pose the question, i realize that what i really mean is, "how do i do this without anyone getting hurt?"
(for me, it keeps going back to that hurt thing.)

me, i know i can withstand the hurt.
(as long as i can have a bit of solitude, a soft place to cry, nature close by, something to write on, sappy love songs to commune with, and peanut m&m's.)

but, i don't want to hurt anyone.
i really don't want to hurt anyone.
is it understood that as we enter any sort of relationship, particularly romantically inclined ones, that we assume the risk of getting hurt as part and parcel of the experience?
maybe this is the difference between mature and immature love.
or the difference between mature and immature me?

i wish (kind of) that there was some sort of trial edition or test drive option,
some kind of virtual reality try out when we meet someone new.
i feel silly even writing this.
because i don't want it, really, because it isn't real life.
and it just gives me a way to wiggle out of taking responsibility for my actions.
a virtual world has no blood, no guts.
theoretical inferences have nothing on real live experience.

still...

i'm reminded of this quote i saw written on the wall outside a store that sells fancy kitchen gadgets in makati.
it read,
"Cooking is like love--it should be entered into with abandon or not at all."

abandon, caution
torment, bore

i'm almost inclined to just sit on my hands and feign indifference.
almost.
i've never been very good at sitting on my hands.
and feigning indifference...well, those days are behind me, if ever they were in front of me.

no, i see that i will have to wade into the deep end for this.
i'm already waist high, pretending that i'm chest high.
maybe i should just get out and jump all the way in.
at least it's honest.