C.R. Favila

namatay na si Lola.
uuwi kami si mommy sa january 3.
parang numb ako.
babalik ako so negros ulit.
negros ulit na naman.

nagsindi na ako ng kandila para kay Lola.
kulay pula.

twilight

it's 1:43am again.
it's like i don't want to get on a regular sked.

when will sleep come?

lola will transition in the next couple of days.
she stopped eating.

For auld lang syne, my dear,
for auld lang syne,
we'll take a cup of kindness yet,
for auld lang syne.

smiling underneath

ani d. does it again.

***

I don't mind waiting in line
no, no
I don't mind if the bills pile up and the work is slow
I don't mind the gas or the groceries or the grind
as long as i'm with you I'm having a good time

I don't mind the stoner waiter or the poorly cooked food
I don't mind little miss kitty or her knucklehead dude
I don't mind if every last person here is ugly and rude
long as I'm with you I got a good attitude
long as I'm with you

We could be stuck in traffic for over a week
with a car full of quintuplets who are all cutting teeth
and around my neck could be a flaming Christmas wreath
and I'd be smiling under
smiling underneath

I don't mind waking up early for a flight that's delayed
I don't mind our weeks vacation is chilly and gray
I don't mind the traffic cops or the TSA
long as I'm with you I'm having a good day
long as I'm with you

I don't mind spilling my hot sauce on my white shirt
I don't mind that twinge when I walk in that knee that I hurt
I don't mind my gums peeling back or my hair getting thin
long as I'm with you, I win
long as I'm with you

We could be stuck in traffic for over a week
with a car full of Quintuplets who are all cutting teeth
and around my neck could be a flaming Christmas wreath
and I'd be smiling under
smiling under
smiling underneath

musings on love

i'm not as itchy or wheezy.
that's good.

i am restless tho.
i want answers.
i want answers.
but, i don't know them.

i'm in deep shit.
with...
well, with myself.
i've been horribly slack with my "homework" from my teacher training.

i attended the first 2 week block for this Waldorf teacher training that i am taking in the Philippines.
and, we have all this homework which i haven't really done.
it's daily exercises and activities.
ugh.
and it's not the kind you can fake.
not that i really want to fake it.
well, not anymore.

gotta get back up on the horse.

but, it's like this.
my life is chaotic.
well, if not chaotic, then certainly, um, what's the word?

unpredictible?
unconventional?
erratic?
unstable?

those all sound negative.

but, it's also
delicious.
not boring.
varied.
free.

i visited my sister and her husband and their new baby.
and everything is so settled with them.
house.
cars,
baby.
jobs.
retirement.
savings.
stuff.

there is a part of me that longs for this, um, what is the word?
security?
predictablity?
stability?
settled-ness?

and then, there's this other part of me that says, "No, Muki, you don't really want that. At least not now."
but, ano?
soon?

i think about all the people that i have loved.
the poet.
the drummer.
the artist.
the farmer.

i still love them.

and i think of the people i'm dating.
the musician.
the kagawad.

i love them, too.
but differently.

i'm seeing my patterns.
i have this great capacity for love.
and i am such a passionate person.
and i'm learning to wield this thing that i am, that i do, more responsibly.

i can be such a tsunami, even to myself.
especially to myself.
so much water in me.
cue that one mat kearney song,
"all your ways and all your thunder,
got me in a haze running for cover,
where we gonna go from here?
where we gonna go from here?"

i can get so caught up in the future.
i worry that i'm not doing what it is i'm supposed to be doing (sacred contractually speaking...)
i've decided not to worry about that so much anymore.
because, it's an energy leak.
well, at least i've made the decision.
it's one of those simple but not easy things.

and also...
i'm doing exactly what i'm supposed to be doing.
it's difficult for me because i feel so aimless.
but when i step back (that is when i remember to step back),
i realize i do have direction (however broad...)

freedom beyond hope and fear.
my Teacher gave a dharma talk about that once.
i'll listen to it again, with new ears, wiser heart.

i do long to feel settled, even if i never do.
i do want a child.
i do want to make a decision about my life work.
i do want to be in a healthy, spiritual, nurturing, growthful, passionate, steady, honest, loving, and equal partnership.
these things are all true.

so, i'll just keep keepin' on.
i'll just keep going.
and then, the answers will come.
and with the answers will come more questions.

like the tide.
like the moon.
like plants.
like the breath.
like the breath.

hives have hives

i forgot how inflammatory i can get.
this happens when i come back to the states for a visit.
i get hives, especially when i am visiting with my family.
they are the painful kind, the indurated kind.
i get them all over.
my trunk, my legs, my arms...
even my eyelids, i think.

it is stressful for me to come back.
my rhythms get all messed up.
it's like i forget how to orient myself.
or maybe it's like, i can't find north,
or which way is up.

i'm so itchy.
this body is so wise.
she does this when there is something to look at,
when i am avoiding something.

my last year of nursing school, they used to call me "Hiver."
my yearlong healing (2004-2005) crisis time, my hives were rampant, relentless.
i would hide them with long sleeves.
i felt like scratching through my skin in a vain effort to stop the pain.
it would be so bad, i would force myself to sleep to numb out.

and i remember, visualizing a cooling energy that would soothe.
i can't breathe here.
i miss the Philippines.

there.
i said it.

i saw my friend Venus yesterday.
she asked me if i was going to stay in the Philippines for good.
"Ah, ah. hindi ko alam. tignan natin..."
backpedal, backpedal.
the commitment-phobe shows her stripes.
why is it so hard for me to say?

well, 'cause i don't know.
or i don't want to know.
still haven't decided.

i don't belong here.
not now.

advice

today, i've looked at myself in the mirror several times.
right in the eye.
i even raise my right hand, pointer finger extended (for emphasis),
and i say,
" do not settle, Muki."

do not settle.
you are amazing.
and beautiful.
and extraordinary.

and your person is out there.
and, when it is time, and not a moment before, you will meet.

in the meantime, just keep going.

i realized today how difficult it is for me to be back in the states.
there are many painful memories of when i have settled.

perhaps what is most difficult is that i realize that i have been on the brink of doing it all over again.
this time, though, with a little bit more sophistication and more elaborate smokescreen.
i am in danger of repeating this mistake, and i must just stop.

just stop.

Mitra always said, "don't believe your own bullshit."
i so want to.

but, i'll just stop instead.
and with this little big act of courage, i inch my way closer and closer to Awakening.

i remember this quote from Chogyam Trungpa:

"when you walk into this world of reality, the greater or cosmic world, you will find the way to rule your world - but, at the same time, you will also find a sense of aloneness. it is possible that this world could become a palace or kingdom to you, but as its king or queen, you will be a monarch with a broken heart."

i have a feeling that i will be looking at myself in the eye several more times in the next coming months.

j-lagged

it's so quiet here, sometimes, i can hear this high pitched tone in my ears.

no breeze in the trees.
no roosters crowing at all hours.
no smoke from burning leaves and trash.
no scraping of the walis on the pavement.
no sound of water sloshing in the bucket at the pump.
no rumbling of the tricycles riding past.
nor the acrid smell of sewage and greywater in the canals that line the streets.
i am hermetically sealed in this southern california townhouse that belongs to my sister and her husband.

there are these stirrings that i've felt lately, in the last few months, whose fire is so poignantly stoked by the birth of Olive.
Olive isn't her official birth certificate name.
it's the name that i call her.
it's the one that i had lea solonga write the autograph to, for her first birth day present, as we were on the same PAL flight from manila to los angeles.

i catch the whiff of domestication, here, stateside, especially.
it's like i breathe in a few molecules of it, and as soon as they hit the back of my throat....
i remember.
like it was yesterday.

i had a husband once.
and money.
and an apartment full of really nice things.
in san francisco.
i went out to fancy dinners.
and didn't worry too much about money.
i had a steady job, working in the hospital.
we had a dog.
and dreams of growing old together.
and kids someday.
and in-laws and holidays and family trips and long drives.

it was a relatively safe life.
and fairly predictable to boot.
the highs didn't get too high.
the lows didn't get too low.
something to be said about the dependability of mediocracy.

and the highs kinda started flattening out.
and the lows got lower...
and
lower
and
lower.

and this life almost killed me.
because this wasn't the life i was meant to lead, not like this.
and yet, there is this part of me that yearns for this "safety."

i want to have a child.
and this scares me a bit.
such a large responsibility.
will i ever find a suitable partner?
i hope so.

my rhythm has been off and my life chaotic since the first block of the teacher training ended.
afterwards, i went to negros.
then back to luzon.
then now in the states.
then...
then...
then...

sleep erratic.
eating erratic.
thinking erratic.
everything erratic.

will do yoga tomorrow to help stabilize.
and won't eat so darn much.
breathe, breathe.
out, then in.
then out.
then in.
over
and
over...

and
over
again.

i'll work my way out of this tailspin, i know.
it's just feels so dang hard.

birth day

i'm a tita!

just met my new niece.
she was born two hours ago.
she's so beautiful.
and...
amazing.

actually no words describe this feeling.
it's a curious mixture of hope and heartbreak.

she came one month early.

Baby Dear, what world are you inheriting?
i'll do my best to make it a better place for us.
you'll help too, i know.

i have spoken.
welcome.

mob

"There is, and most of us know it in our hearts, a valid test of a human defense: Is it also a human resource? Will it help us and at the same time keep our children growing? Are we sure that the doors to our future and our past are still ajar after we have used it? Or is it something that will improve our condition now but make further progress for us difficult, and perhaps impossible? Does it win the battles and always lose the war? Whether our defenses are "right" will surely depend on the answers to these questions.

But how hard it is, when we are struggling with fears, to think beyond ourselves and the present moment. Even the most responsible of us is not in a learning mood on those days, days which sometimes stretch into years, years when the quiet voice of reason is drowned out by the cries of the terrorized child within us. Time is meaningless then. How can we master it enough to swing our intelligence up and down the decades, the centuries, scanning them to see what marks our acts are leaving on them?

It is, of course, an impossible thing for an individual to do in times of acute anxiety. There may or may not be someone who cares enough to help him, to point the way, to ask the question that will set him back on the open road. If there is no one, the dead end is reached. The little security system that the child put together long ago just wouldn't work for his grown-up ordeals.

But fortunately for the future of the human race, not all of us are panicked by the same event or terrorized by the same voice. There are always some who can keep heart and head steady enough to hold the door open even when the mob rushes it; some who know and refuse to let the rest forget that improvement and progress can lead in opposite directions, and often do; that progress is not real, however much improvement takes place, unless it keeps men connected with that great reservoir in which human beings have stored the records of their wisdom and errors, discoveries and art, and triumphs and defeats, and dreams of God; unless it opens up more and more possibilities for growth and the enrichment of us as persons."


my friend Amy W. sent this to me some months ago. it’s from one of her (then) new favorite books, “The Journey,” by Lillian Smith. Amy W. has this uncanny way of emailing me right when i need to hear some timely words of comfort. and they’re not just any words, it’s her particular brand and flavor that i am grateful for. i have come to regard her as one of the steadfast in head and heart that Lillian Smith mentions, one who is able to hold the door, even as the mob rushes it, one who asks the question that urges me back on the open road. we don’t correspond frequently. maybe 3 or 4 times a year. and, it is enough.

i remember trying to read her email over and over when i first received it. it was in june or july i think, and my brains were freshly scrambled from my visit to the states, maian planet, the sesshin, the iloilo kapwa conference, finding a place to live, traveling to bacolod and dumaguete, getting over the flu, significant friend break-ups, resigning from the clinic, moving to pampanga, ek, ek.

i remember i couldn’t get past the first line. this happens to me sometimes, and when it does, i’ve learned to just set whatever it is aside. then i pick it up the next week or the next moment, or whenever the Universe plucks that particular string for me to pick it up again.

even today, i had to read force myself to read this quote thoroughly. my eyes wanted to flit and skip over words, get to the end, say it’s done, say i got it, next.

days which sometimes stretch into years…
time is meaningless then…
cries of the terrorized child…

where does this rabbit hole of mine lead?

i feel detached from my life in the states. the upcoming presidential elections, global financial crises, current events. i am vaguely aware of what’s happening. mind, i’ll cast my vote for Obama via absentee ballot, but beyond that, i really am at a loss. i’m somewhat embarrassed (or is it my inner virgo wringing her hands, distraught at my apparent lack of sobriety and groundedness?) i lack the motivation to “keep up,” and when people here find out i am from the states, they ask me to explain the mortgage scandal and political party rivalries and they seem genuinely surprised that they seem to be more in the know. well, they are.

lately, i’ve been concerned more with generational and intergenerational grief and grieving. lately, i’ve been pondering rage inheritance. it is a painful experience to be here in negros. precious to spend time with my lola. painful to witness the ways in which my kin wound and harm. alarmed as they mirror the parts of me i’d rather forget i have.

i think about sacred contracts and the wisdom of the Universe. and i wonder aloud, sometimes on my knees, why me, why now, why this place, why so hard, why this way? what is it that you want me to learn? why have i made these sacred contracts with these crazy people? aren’t i one of them? i want to separate myself, create more separation. i want to escape back to santa rita, to dumaguete, to eating, to sleeping, to fucking. anything to get away from this discomfort.

this won’t last.
yah, yah, i know.

and when i sit still and remember to exhale, the discomfort shifts.
it doesn’t go away (shit.) but it does change.
sometimes it gets worse.
mostly it just shifts.
and sometimes it lessens for a bit, until the next wave hits.

how do i move through this in a good way?
without harming?
without aggression?
with honesty
with integrity?
i stumble through this and wonder how my way measures in terms of this valid testing of human defense that Lillian Smith invites me to remember. for ‘tis true, i do believe there really is a valid test of human defense, i do know this in my heart. but, what the hell is it?

can it be quantified?
can it be qualified?

i am reading this book on catastrophe theory written by alexander woodcock and monte davis. it was published in 1978 and has to do with a qualitative theory of physics and mathematics that offers a different way of looking at sudden change. from the back cover, catastrophe theory also “makes measurable such abstract qualities as fear, anger, love, and hate.” i have no idea how this theory figures in the current state of the world, and i am only on page 12 or so, but something speaks to me about this.

it is difficult for me to read it. kinda like reading thru Amy’s email. i have to force myself to read it thoroughly, line by line. i have to control the urge to flit my eyes to the end and say i got it, good, next. in fact, i’ve started over reading this book twice now. i bought it used at green apple books or diesel books last time i was in the states. it was one of those purchases where i just added it to my pile just from glancing at the title or the cover.

i know i am healing and addressing generations of grief, grieving, and unresolved rage. i have no idea how to go about it, except to keep putting one foot in front of the other and to get back up when i fall down over and over and over and over and over again. lizards jump down from the ceiling onto my chest. they land heavy on my heart, startling me. then they jump down to the floor and scurry away. they remind me to keep my heart open even when i want to close it, hardened and hurting. they remind me to exhale. and after that way, the inhale just comes naturally.

diwali

i celebrate the darkness and the light.
or at least i try my very best to.
some days i'm serene.
others i'm a complete failure, aggressive and unsure.
most days, i'm in between.
lately, i've been numb, afraid to feel.
but, i woke up this morning, and you were there.
present in my thoughts.
and in my heart.
i was surprised to see you again.
i thought i had closed the door.
only because you did first.
i'm here in negros, in the house of my lola.
she is dying of cancer of the blood.
though she is living mostly.
dying very little.
i try and appreciate this.
i'm surrounded by sharks here.
and i remember the soft place we used to share, that we used to make together.
did i imagine it?
was it really that soft, that safe?
was it co-created?
or just my own fantasy?
parts real.
parts fancy.
i long for that soft place, real or not.
i haven't been able to make it with others.
i've tried.
i've tried to make it on my own.
it suffices, but it is not the same.

happy diwali.
remember you are loved.
i'll try to remember, too.

lost horizon

pg. 152
lost horizon
by james hilton

"For years, passions had been like a nerve that the world jarred on:
now at last the aching was soothed, and he could yield himself to love that was
neither a torment nor a bore."

i ask you,
does this really exist?

i realize that in matters concerning love, i tend, like any good hopeless romantic pinay worth her salt, to the tumultuous.
if it isn't torment, isn't it a bore?

i recall a gchat with my friend venus early last year.
i spilled my guts about a particularly tortuous torment.
and venus wrote,
"well, u deserve someone who can receive u as u r..... i don't feel relationships have to be so difficult, ya know."
(her words still startle me with their simplicity and Truth.)

someone who can receive me like i am?
i don't even do that with myself.
(well, not completely, anyway.)
learning, learning.

i also realize as i reflect on my past torments (hee), i am learning.
and getting closer to receiving me like i am.
and getting better at receiving others like they are.

i have to admit though:
i am afraid of hurting others...again.
i am afraid of getting hurt...again.

i've been doing a lot of thinking about this, and here's the thing:
it is practically a guarantee that we, as human creatures in authentic relationship, will hurt each other.

we do this.
it is what we do.

it is the ways in which we do this and also how we make amends for our misgivings that speak volumes about our character.
how do we move through conflict?
how do we draw compassionate boundaries?
how do we honor our commitments? to ourselves? to one another?
how do we bear discomfort in placing honesty above complacency?
how do we forgive?

so, the point is, not to be afraid of getting hurt, or causing hurt.
the point is to take good care that we are not reckless with our own hearts nor allow others to be reckless with them either.
the point is to take good care that we are not reckless with others' hearts as well.

how does one do this?
and as i pose the question, i realize that what i really mean is, "how do i do this without anyone getting hurt?"
(for me, it keeps going back to that hurt thing.)

me, i know i can withstand the hurt.
(as long as i can have a bit of solitude, a soft place to cry, nature close by, something to write on, sappy love songs to commune with, and peanut m&m's.)

but, i don't want to hurt anyone.
i really don't want to hurt anyone.
is it understood that as we enter any sort of relationship, particularly romantically inclined ones, that we assume the risk of getting hurt as part and parcel of the experience?
maybe this is the difference between mature and immature love.
or the difference between mature and immature me?

i wish (kind of) that there was some sort of trial edition or test drive option,
some kind of virtual reality try out when we meet someone new.
i feel silly even writing this.
because i don't want it, really, because it isn't real life.
and it just gives me a way to wiggle out of taking responsibility for my actions.
a virtual world has no blood, no guts.
theoretical inferences have nothing on real live experience.

still...

i'm reminded of this quote i saw written on the wall outside a store that sells fancy kitchen gadgets in makati.
it read,
"Cooking is like love--it should be entered into with abandon or not at all."

abandon, caution
torment, bore

i'm almost inclined to just sit on my hands and feign indifference.
almost.
i've never been very good at sitting on my hands.
and feigning indifference...well, those days are behind me, if ever they were in front of me.

no, i see that i will have to wade into the deep end for this.
i'm already waist high, pretending that i'm chest high.
maybe i should just get out and jump all the way in.
at least it's honest.

rip

i have the equivalent of a lump in my throat in my fingertips.
there is much to say, and as my friend, erica, wrote recently,
"it seems the things that I want to tend to exceed my capacity to do so..."

ain't that the truth.

my mother left this afternoon.
we parted ways in the driveway of the shangri-la makati.
mang domeng, her favorite driver, took her to the airport.
me, i cried all the way to marikina in a hotel taxi.
it was an odd place to say goodbye.
and it had a certain ripping off the band-aid feel to it.
aray ko.

this time spent with her was so precious.
and i sense it goes even deeper than i can understand in this moment.
(hence, the lump in my throat, in my fingertips.)

it's like i want to say these things.
and the ideas burst forth in my head like rapid-fire, old-fashioned camera flashes, complete with soundtrack.
i remember a moment, or series of moments.
then i wonder, how do i write that feeling?
that memory?

there was this moment when we were swimming in the ocean at boracay.
these fish were circling us.
we got uneasy in the same way, even though they were wittle, ittle.
and we laughed later when we realized how scared we both were and how we tried to pretend that we weren’t.

there was this moment when we were swimming, and she didn't want me to leave her 2 foot radius.
i know this space…
just like when i was little.

it was actually revolutionary that she was swimming at all.
she does not like to be around water.
as a child, she almost floated away and drowned when flash floods hit their village.
at it was high tide pa when we were swimming.

i was snorkeling near her (2 feet away actually), keeping an eye on those imaginary barracuda, and after maybe 2 minutes she poked me urgently in the middle of my back.
"just checking if you are still alive, neng. you weren't moving."
i tell you.
precious.

our room number at the boracay regency was 342.
i loved this.
i turned 34 the day we checked in.
and it was just the 2 of us.
and for some unknown reason, we were upgraded to a garden suite overlooking the pool.
and that’s how we found ourselves in room 342.
(thanks Universe.)

my mother talks to herself, especially in the shower.
and she cannot seem to sit still for 2 minutes together.

she seemed to genuinely enjoy touching me when i asked her to put lotion or vco on my back. i don’t remember allowing her to touch me in that way for years and years. when she did it, i felt her remembering when she used to do that for me when i was a baby...
when i didn’t tighten up or freeze.

and when we were swimming together and i was floating weightless so close to her in the ocean, i thought, i’m in another womb with my mother.

oh, sure, we had our awkward moments.
but, the harshness is no longer there.
the sting hardly stung.
methinks, we’ve moved to a quieter part of the maze.
i’ll write about those awkward moments, too.
just not now.

now, i want to really celebrate seeing my mother, maybe for the first time in my life, as a fellow human creature, as a fellow sojourner.
she is one of the most generous people i know.
i am just beginning to understand this.

so, this lump in my throat in my fingertips is threatening to dissolve.
it melts with forgiveness
and humility
and understanding.

who did i see before?
i'm pulling down the veils that hinder my clarity.
it’s an interesting feeling…
equal parts devastating heartbreak and boundless joy.
freedom here.

ito ba ang totoong kalayaan?
baka.

take it away

i remember this graphic that i ran across some years ago, on craigslist, i think.
it was of this little sad looking creature-monster, holding his heart, away from his body, in his extended hand.
there is a gaping hole in his chest where it was.
the caption read, "take it away."

i wish i could find that graphic.
i would set it as my desktop.
maybe it's on my external hard drive.
in that one black bag,
on the floor,
in the corner,
in the main room,
in my apartment,
in santa rita.

i hope i find it again.
it's how i feel.

maybe seeing it again, will help me move through this.
i'm just so fucking angry.

it's unnerving actually.
so this is what it feels like, this kind of brokenhearted.
haven't had this flavor before.
packs quite a wallop.
had no idea.
so, this must be how bitter is born.

i try to forget you.
and i can't.
when i see a beautiful space.
or eat some really good food.
you're there.
nakakainis.

it won't always hurt this much...
will it?

i mean, i know it won't.
it won't, Muki.
it just really, really, really does right now.

small spaces

happy birthday dear friend.
maybe you thought i forgot.
or didn't care.
i didn't.
i do.

34

in a few days, i will be 34.
it seems like one of those moments (or series of moments) that begs the retrospective.

part of me longs to do this.
part of me thinks it will be too painful.
part of me thinks it will take up too much time and energy.
(what is too much? it's more than i am willing to expend at the moment.)

my friend Leny said to me a couple of months ago, "my gosh, Karen, your life is so wide open."
yes, it is.
and, at times, i am perfectly fine with this.
then there are those moments that i am so anxious over this.
it's like i find myself in the old tape loop saying:
you can't do that.
you shouldn't do that.
what are you going to do for money?
what are you doing with your life?

i've been traveling with my mother and sister these last few weeks and have been playing the hapless tourist.
well, not quite hapless.
but, it's like i am playing a part in this strange balikbayan movie.
and it's a role that i certainly know how to play.
but i don't want to anymore.
it doesn't fit.
but i want to spend time with my mom and sister.

we've gone to many places.
and stayed in the finest resorts and hotels.
it's been quite decadent actually.
one day, we had breakfast in davao, lunch in cebu, and dinner in bacolod.
crazy.

i find myself wishing for my solitude again.
my little place waits for me in barangay san vicente, sta. rita.
there is no breakfast buffet, with people tripping over themselves to fuss over my teapot.
there are no white fluffy towels and valet turn-down service at night.
there is no air-con or l'occitane bath toiletries and products.

i wonder if Mang Bernardo is done making my kawayan furniture.
i wonder if the screens are installed in my windows.

and then i wonder how much longer will i be here?
if i had a dollar each time i got that question, i wouldn't have to worry about money.
it's a question i am not comfortable with.
or perhaps it is the answer that i am uncomfortable with.

i don't know.

i really don't.
i won't know until i know.

my sister graduates from nursing school in march.
my other sister will give birth in january.
i'll go back to the states in february for a visit.
and then back here again?

i think to myself, will i finally feel settled here in the philippines and then leave it all for the states?
the thought of living in the states is not appealing, at all, to me right now.
though, i have to admit, that the other morning as i watched CNN coverage of the time leading up to Barack Obama's acceptance speech at the DNC, i actually found myself missing the states. i was actually moved to tears thinking about how my peeps in the bay area must be abuzz with energy and excitement.

i wonder how the landscape will change when Obama becomes president.

i wonder also how i will live into this life i am creating.
i think i put great pressure on myself.
that my life is supposed to be big.

i am such a reluctant healer.
and i loathe to think of myself this way.
but, it's true.
the responsibility scares me.
what if i can't live up to it?

my reiki teacher, Aisa and i recently visited an orphanage for special children in cavite.
we stayed for two days.
the first day, we did a healing ritual for me.
the second day we shared reiki with the kids.

the Universe challenges me to rise above my own fear.
thankfully, She is patient with me, as i fumble and dig my heels.
i have been asked to settle myself, to fix my place how i want it, so that my vision can become clearer.
after my mother and sister leave, this will be done.
my heart beats a little faster and my breath quickens because i know i am systematically painting myself into the corner of Awakening.

my Ego is running for her life.
poor thing.

i'll turn 34 flying to boracay with my mother.
i think i'll just enjoy this decadence while it lasts.
Because it won't last!

helios, heel. heal.

the sunrise doesn't hurt as much as it once did.
what a relief.

a confession:
at my most petty, i had already added this to our list of mutual disappointments and resentments...

you fucked up the sunrise for me.
forever.

at my best, it's just a very slight pang, the lightest tug on my heartstrings.
a reminder that you were once close.
(not closed.)
that i let you in.
that you still exist.

and the sunrise is so beautiful.

despite everything, you have a place in this heart of mine, should you wish to claim it.
who am i kidding?
even if you choose not to claim it,
it's there.

confounding.
and annoying.
and true.

perhaps the ebbing of pain abides for understanding.
with it no longer causing me to close my eyes to bear it,
or have tears blur my vision,
or have it take up so much damn room...

i can find my generosity again.

it's around here somewhere.
buried deep underneath the anger,
just beneath the hurt.

reflections

i see myself in my mother.
i see myself in my sister.

they are here, visiting from the states.
we have been traveling all around.
bacolod.
cebu.
bohol.
davao.

mannerisms.
habits.
viewpoints.
idiosyncrasies.

i think i am equally surprised at how much we are alike as we are vastly different.
it's so much easier to see my rough spots when they are mirrored back to me.
catches me like velcro.
grr.

but also, i get all warm and gooey inside when i see where i get my best qualities, too.
catches me, though not like velcro.
it's like i am retraining my mind to take note of the positive as well.

appropriate relationships

from astro.com
***
Valid during several weeks:

This influence signifies a time of severe testing in your relationships with others. The demands of your work or the demands of your personal life will force you to reevaluate which relationships in your life are worth keeping and which are not. If you do not face this challenge consciously, the pressure of events will force you to do so, because people who have been with you for a long time will leave against your wishes.

There is often a strong tendency to build a wall between you and others without even realizing it. The only way you will know is that suddenly you will feel alone and out of touch with everybody. You may feel that you have no support from others, even loved ones whom you have counted on in the past for love and support. This may represent a temporary state of affairs or a passing mood. Or it may represent a serious breakdown in your relationships because of misplaced priorities in the past or because of associating with people who were wrong for you in terms of your personal goals and needs.

In the case of misplaced priorities, perhaps you have paid more attention to getting ahead in life than to giving and receiving love. Or perhaps in the past, fear of your own inadequacies or fear that you are unlovable has made you withdraw from others. Now the consequences of these problems are emerging, causing you to feel alone.

In the second case, the problem is that in terms of your direction in life, the people you associate with are a distraction or are actually opposed to your interests. In this case, no matter how much you love them, walls will form between you and them, and you will have to begin a new life without them.

With this influence several significant relationships will inevitably end. But if you have a clear idea of where you are going, this will not be a great disadvantage. Whatever remorse you feel will be quickly displaced by a new sense of freedom, because you are no longer wasting energy in trying to maintain inappropriate relationships.

The interpretation above is for your transit selected for today:
Saturn Square Ascendant, , exact at 09:48
activity period from 13 August 2008 to 29 August 2008

okay...
so this pretty much sums up what i've been working with for the last couple of months.
some significant break-ups have transpired.
lessons learned.
let go, when it is time to let go.
hold on, when it is time to hold on.
i'm learning.
i'm learning.

nine

Let me not pray to be sheltered from dangers but to be fearless in facing them.

Let me not beg for the stilling of my pain but for the heart to conquer it.

Let me not look for allies in life's battlefield but to my own strength.

Let me not crave in anxious fear to be saved but hope for the patience
to win my freedom.

Grant me that I may not be a coward, feeling your mercy in my success
alone; but let me find the grasp of your hand in my failure.

Rabindranath Tagore

fastly

things are moving faster and faster.
is it things...or me?
so many people to connect with.
so much to learn.
so much to see.
so much to experience.
so much to taste.

i've been to this place before, where i feel like my schedule is running me.
i don't want to do it like this anymore.

i've been in the states for the past 5 weeks.
and i've been going, going.

i return to the Philippines tomorrow.
and i'm feeling so relieved.
though, i'll be attending the Kapwa conference right after i land again.

Muki, time to do it differently.
after this conference, and visiting Negros, rest.
rest.
write.
do nothing.
eat raw food.

will spend first part of july finding my own space.
pampanga.
laguna.
mindanao.
baguio.
sagada.

who knows where i will end up?
i don't.
just a small corner where i can find solitude.
and rest.

kalayaan

warrior-spirit prayer for Awakening

may all beings be granted with the strength, determination, and wisdom to exitinguish anger and reject violence as a way.

may all suffering cease and may i seek, find and fully realize the love and compassion that already live within me and allow them to inspire and permeate my every action.

may i exercise the precious gift of choice and the power to change that makes me uniquely human and is the only true path to liberation.

may i swiftly reach complete, effortless freedom so that my fearless, unhindered action be of benefit to all.

MAY I LEAD THE LIFE OF A WARRIOR.
/|\

mangga

it's mango season here.
i bought a kilo (2.2 lbs!) of baby indian mangoes at the talipapa yesterday for P10 (about 25 cents!)

i just ate three.
breakfast-snack, after doing my laundry.
mass amounts of laundry.

lots of good ideas come to me when i do my laundry.
it's also because i do my best thinking in the morning.
and i do my laundry usually in the morning, so that it will have all day to dry.

one of my favorite things to do is eat fruit at the beach.
went to camayan beach at subic with rowell a couple of weeks ago.
we ate prado mangoes, grown from seeds that reimon got from jolo.

juice dripped down my arms, wet my cheeks.
sand stuck to my arms, my cheeks and chin.
i went into the sea and washed myself clean again.
it's such a nice feeling...
and i really do love fruit.

eyes resting

eyes resting on beauty.
i look forward to this.
got back from mindanao two days ago.

was so good to see pi and lisette for a couple of days.
and "meet" makilala.
was joined by sony, livia, and alicia, a shaman from canada.
powerhouse group.
also met the wonderful betsy and nono.
we danced and laughed and hugged and ate.
and cried.
and healed.

biodynamic farm.
biodynamic rice, veggies, fruits, yogurt, cheese.
delicious.
outdoor showers.
yellow frog in the curtain.
i really love to bathe outside.
i really love farms, too.

we went to sacred spots.
bits of earthsongs came to me as i swam under waterfalls and sat in the hotsprings.
i sang them into the ears of the mountain.
mt. apo.
they were pleased to hear them again.
they were the ones who gave them to me after all.
i saw a lake that was so hot the water was boiling.
i sang there too.
and danced.
and inhaled deeply the sulphuric steam.

eyes resting on beauty.
it was my Teacher who said that to me.

went also to a 7 day anthroposophic conference, titled "the total art of healing" in kidapawan.
met anthroposophic nurses and doctors, biodynamic farmers, waldorf teachers, art therapists, artists, and musicians.
learned much and met many fine folk.
befriended 4 other nurses and will be doing work with them in the future.

many people have been asking me what i am going to be doing next.
i don't have anything lined up.

and thank goodness.
i'm going to the states in a couple of weeks for the New Dharma sesshin and jukai (again!).
will stay a month.
then, i'll come back and see what arises.

since i've resigned, many opportunities have come up for work.
i really am lucky.
and the Universe is testing me again, to see if i've learned my lesson.

will travel around a bit when i get back.
so that my eyes can rest on beauty.
in baguio, iloilo, palawan, negros, cebu, sagada, banaue, batanes, maybe.
tignan natin.
maybe even throughout southeast asia.
we'll see.

in the meantime, closing out my work at the clinic...
and
still have to file my income taxes in the states (gak. thank goodness for extensions!)
and
4 day food and arts festival at Prado starting thursday.
will be baking cookies and helping with the school age kid activities.
and
despedida with estong and michelle tomorrow night.
will videoke and drink and be silly.
and
last day at the clinic is may 6.
and
will fly out to davao with troy on may 7, first flight!
will be attending another convergence of healers there at the maian planet til may 13.
and
will attend my friend krystal's play at UP, entitled "Marisol" on may 16.
and
will fly out to the states on may 17.
phew.

i lead a full, full life.
swerte ko talaga.

healing conversation

from astro.com, for me, today:

"Under this influence all forms of healing and being healed are especially favored. This influence is also particularly suited for every type of operation on body and soul, whether you undertake this on another person or on yourself. With people who are close to you, you can have deep conversations about those sore points which we all have and which make us react very sensitively to some things. It would be only too human to avoid this situation for fear of the pain connected with it. But, of course, you should not do so, as healing and becoming whole demand certain preconditions which are not readily to be found, but which are, during this time, especially favored."

The interpretation above is for your transit selected for today:
Mercury Conjunction Chiron, , exact at 08:29
activity period from 14 April 2008 to 15 April 2008



thank you Cosmos.
/|\

wilder

i resigned my position at the clinic.
perhaps it was the little laura ingalls in me that was so attracted to doing what i've been doing.
it was such a big part of this identity that i created for myself.
it became almost rote.
almost.

"i'm a nurse volunteer, here from the states. i run a clinic for toxic waste victims, children with cerebral palsy, in pampanga."

as if that is my main identity.
it's not.
not that the clinic work isn't noble or worthy.
that's just not how i wish to identify myself, yet i did it. a lot.
(the scarier question for me is... if i didn't want to identify myself like this, in this limited way, WHY did i do it? ugh. not now.)

the clinic is a converted house in the middle of a resettlement area.
i set up the clinic, and the systems that run it.
i made connections, organized, and helped empower people to recognize their gifts.
part of me, i think, was so curious to see if i could even hack living on my own, in a very different kind of lifestyle.

well, i found out that i can.
i can even do it well.

that's good information for me to have.
it's the thing that i now measure all daunting things against, and then they don't feel so daunting.

i've said it before.
the clinic is my cover.
cover for what, Muki?
why do i even need a cover?
why was it again that i decided to come here in the first place?

it wasn't to run a clinic.
it was to reclaim my wholeness.
it was to help other fil-ams reclaim theirs.

there are parts of my soul scattered all over the Philippines.
buried in the earth.
swimming in the sea.
mingling high up in the wind and mountains.
parts of me are hidden in the pause before the dawn breaks, the moment before it rains, the moment right after it stops.
parts of me live in the place where the sun goes right after he dips below the horizon.
i'm in the rice and sugar cane fields.
i'm in the bird's songs.
parts of me live in the spaces between the feathers on their wings, spread wide as the fly.
i'm in the breath between sentences spouted off in kampampangan, taglish, english, tagalog, ilocano, ilonggo.
parts of me live in the silence of solitude, in the sound of my footsteps as i walk alone on this sacred earth.
parts of me live in the camaraderie of intimate seekers, especially old, old friends who have not yet met.
i am hidden in the dance, the ancient dance, the innerdance with no music, no guru.
i'm in a candle flame.

no wonder i couldn't find them at the clinic.
i have to be traveling or in nature to find them.

somehow i lost my way. and fortunately, the Universe has directed me back onto my Path.
or at the very least, she has highlighted, very sharply that i'm in dire need of a course correction.
as my dear friend Leny recently wrote, "there are always markers."
perhaps the Universe did not want me to miss this particular marker, because it's shaken me to the core.

it's like i didn't realize the misalignment all that much at first.
it's like when your alignment is off in your car, and when you are driving in a straight line, your trajectory is only a little bit skewed in the beginning. then you continue driving straight and it isn't until you go driving for awhile that you notice how way off course you've come.
this is where i stopped the car and was like, "whoa. i am so off course. how did this happen?"
then a week's worth of solitude and reflection reveals this seemingly small misalignment in the beginning of the journey, the justifications and excuses i made up to cover it, and how with time, the trajectory angle became so obtuse that it got harder and harder to keep up the facade. and that my relationship with Mayora became increasingly more painful and difficult to navigate was significant to my recognizing that i was living misaligned, that i was choosing to live misaligned.

i had this image, this idea of what my life here was supposed to be, what it was supposed to look like.
and even when it was doing it's very best to show me what it really was, i could not see it because i chose not to.
as my dear Teacher recently wrote, "the precious gift of choice."

it's hard for me to try to articulate all of this, especially as i stumble through it.
and, it's kind of embarrassing.
i'm heartbroken because of what i've done, the repeated choice not to see.
(or is it most heartbreaking that i saw and chose to pretend that i didn't see?)
the impact i have, especially because of who i am and who i am becoming...
i am gaining a deeper and deeper understanding of this, and i wish to wield it more responsibly from now on.

i'm humbled because i understand myself more fully now, and that helps me move through the embarrassment that i feel.
am grateful for this depth of understanding.
and awed by the strength of my ego.
somehow, i feel like this has been a strange kind of princess and the pea syndrome.

ultimately, i can't regret this experience.
no doubt, this has also been part of the Divine plan for me.
this indelible, lived experience.

i forgive myself for being reckless with my spirit, for living willingly with the misalignment.
i can understand where this choice originated from.
and this deeper understanding has left a significant imprint on my brain and heart.
every cell in my body, actually.

but now, it's time to create my Life.
meaning that it's time to name and call out to the Beings and circumstances that are indeed aligned with the next part of this journey.
i sing to them my sorrows and grief, and i'm ready for them to come and teach and guide me, in a more aligned way.
i thank them for their patience and this painful initiation.

starter holes

hammering nails into concrete is difficult.
just spent the last hour or so doing it.
hung up some bamboo window coverings in my bedroom.
discovered the beauty of the starter hole...

these last few weeks have been difficult to say the least.
have really been going thru the wringer.
i spent the better part of holy week at a workshop on life work at ginhawa house.
a very intense three nights, three days.

much healing happened.
clarity reclaimed.
sacred contracts discovered.
perspectives shifted.
perceptions, too.

went to some really painful, shadow places...
and came out the other end...
more whole...
more me.

was an interesting parallel, and the symbolism that it took place during holy week is not lost on me.
in fact, good friday, was the hardest day for me.
full moon, too.
i think this is the first time that i really understand the significance of Easter.
befitting of a christ year, if do say so, myself.

have realized that i'll likely be here in the Philippines longer than i thought..
i thought i would be a year.
then it was a year and some.
then two.
now, i'm thinking, i'll be here until i am supposed to be somewhere else.

has been quite difficult for me to claim that fully.

during my inward time at the workshop, i received some powerful insights regarding my future that i attribute as being messages from the spirit world.

as i type this, i wonder how to share this, if i should share it.

how do i hold this kind of information responsibly?
do i regard it as "real"?
that is, do i actually base my life decisions on it?
does it really just speak to my innermost desires and wishes?
the ones that i am not yet able or wanting to claim as truly mine?
or is it merely symbolic?
and then if so, am i distorting the message by taking it so literally?

this line of questioning comes directly from my own experience.
i know someone here that last year received some powerful insights from the spirit world regarding the future.
she chose to share it with me and others.
she spoke of it as if it were so real.
like there was no alternate future.
in her words, "a done deal."
she expected me to fastly make some pretty major life decisions based on the info that she gave to me.

i made (and make) my decisions based on the gamut of information available to me.
i am also guided by my instincts, my higher Self, my intuition.

her insights did not come to fruition, and i am so relieved that i did not get too "carried away" by them.

and, because of this, i have learned an important lesson about trust.
and discernment.
and impact.
and responsibility.

mt. arayat

i saw the sun rise three times over mt. arayat this morning.
i cried it was so beautiful.

been talking to that mountain lately on my frequent trips on the nlex, back and forth from manila and prado.
been meaning to google his story.
he is such a handsome mountain.
the mountains here speak to me.
makiling last year.
makilala next month.
mayon last year.
now arayat.

i locked myself out of my room last night, right before i was supposed to meet maryan for dinner in clark.
grr.

i couldn't find a locksmith.
it was already 7pm, so even if i did find one, they would be closed...

found some wire leftover from when they installed internet, and tried to pick the lock for half an hour.
was doing a poor imitation of what i'd seen in movies.
no luck.
am thinking that this is a skill i would like to have.
another thing to google.

i had my car keys naman.
just not the clinic keys nor the padlock for the gate.
had to make the decision to leave the clinic or stay.

bought a new padlock for the gate and sent a simple plea to the ether to keep the clinic safe while i was gone.
paki-bantay lang po.

met dita and maryan at zapata's.
it's this mexican food place that transports me back to california, whenever i'm there.
when i'm there, i can be in a taqueria in san diego or l.a.
decor, taste...
complete with white folks even.
weird.
and a little disturbing.
that's something to get used to because of the proximity to clark.
lots of foreigners here paired up with young pinays.

anyway, the food IS good.
not quite la taqueria on 25th and mission in san francisco or that other place i used to go to near gilman in berkeley.
but, pretty darn good.
best i've had here.
just don't get the fish tacos.
trust me on this one.

after zapata's, we headed to the swiss chalet and ate again.
:)
i love kampampangans.
honestly, the most common way i'm greeted, especially when i'm in prado, is "kumain ka na ba?" (have you eaten yet?)
at swiss chalet, we ate beef fondue and rahmschnitzel.
long meandering, and at times, very animated, conversations that flowed from kampampangan to taglish to english to tagalog on topics that ranged from jun lozado, love lives, callings, parenting, tv shows, relationships, family...
kept up, me and my 75% comprehension.
revealed to them that i was once married.
that's always a good conversation...

it's so interesting to go to these restaurants.
always a mixed crowd.
very close to the red light district in angeles kasi.

at 2am, we dropped off Dita at her house in villa teresa.
Maryan invited me to stay the night at bale dutung.
woke up the next morning early, early.
as usual.

as i drove home, the sun was rising.
along the macarthur highway, i passed groups of young men dressed in maroon robes and barefoot.
they were carrying huge crosses on their backs, their hands tied.
there must have been at least 50.
i also saw barechested men, flagellating themselves as they walked along side.
their backs were still whole, not yet bleeding.

so many feelings get churned up for me around this holy week.
i've certainly not experienced anything like this before.
filipinos know suffering.
is this the suffering that leads to more suffering?
or is it the suffering that leads to freedom?
turning this over in my head and heart.
i have such a strong reaction to the physical pain.
i remember feeling the same thing when reading parts of Katrin's kapwa.

the other day, when i drove into madapdap from prado, there was a young boy with a cross strapped to his back. he was surrounded by 30 or 40 other little boys who jeered at him as he fell. it was heartbreaking to witness. and i was in Pipsy, protected, somewhat safe. i would prolly cry my eyes out if i were actually on the street with them. the heat and dust. the sacrifice. the energies.

does this child understand who he is, what he does? do the boys around him see that they are also playing a role? these are the little boys in my neighborhood who shout and run and climb the tree by the elementary school by the iglesia ni kristo. they are the ones that play this game where they throw and roll p5 coins. and walk with their arms around each other's shoulders as their tsinelas drag on the hot asphalt. they are the ones who buy cold water in plastic supots for 1 piso across the street at the bakery and drink them down by biting the corner of bag and drink as if they are nursing. they are the ones who draw their names in the dust on my car.

the pasyon is sung in kapampangan all night.
holy week is such an intense experience.
especially for this christ year of mine.
i knew there was a reason that i found myself locked out of my room last night.

it triggered another profound series of events.
i never thought i would see the sun rise 3 times.
first time red.
the second orange.
the third yellow.

thank you Universe.
/|\

panyo

took me like 15 minutes to fold a handkerchief kanina.
the corners wouldn't match up.
had a hard time just letting it be.
letting it go.

did my laundry this morning.
it's a kind of meditation, and i appreciate the process.

i sort my dirty clothes in piles.
pants, t-shirts, little things, towels, malong, etc.

i like to rotate what i wash.
(mostly because my arms get tired.)

pants (big thing) first.
then underwear (little thing).
then t-shirt (medium thing).

or sometimes medium, big, little.
depende sa mood ko.

as i wash each item, i remember what i did the day i wore it.
then, my mind spins off into another place.

after it's rinsed and partially wrung out, it soaks in water with softener.
then, wring, wring wring.
hang it up, inside out.
alikabok kasi.

drip, drip, drip.
the water is hard here in madapdap.
and a bit rusty.
my clothes are a little stiff when they are dry.

then folding.
sorting.
i sniff them as i fold and pile.
earlier, it was mixture of downy and cigarette smoke from a man smoking in front.

i actually have an iron.
i hardly use it.
way back in the day, i remember ironing my nursing uniforms while watching The Matrix.
seems like such a long time ago.
ages.
lifetimes.
it's only been about 5 years.

funny, cause when i think about it, i was actually in the matrix, as i ironed those uniforms.
wasn't long after that i unplugged.

i remember when i first saw that movie.
my eyes got all round and big.
the matrix is real.

now, i live in the real world.
and sometimes i wish for a bite of that steak.

especially lately.

funny also because even when i give myself permission to have a bit of that steak, it doesn't taste as good as i remember.

it's just familiar.
and predictable.
and, therefore, safe.

nowhere to hide lately.
Universe is shaking my cosmic tree.
anything in the way of my clarity, my freedom, my awakening is being shaken loose.

again.

will ride my bike to the monastary tomorrow morning.
palm sunday mass for my christ year.

pinatay

my neighbor died last week.
i didn't know her.
i didn't even know she died.

when i came home on saturday, there was tent set up next door.
many, many people milling about.
they stay all night.

Pipsy is parked in front of the clinic.
once, i looked out the window, and she was covered with kids.
what to do?

i've been away for the last two days.
i want to go over and pay my respects.
and i am shy.

want to bring over some food.
but what?
maybe some hopia from the bakery across the street.

i am feeling a moderate amount of resistance in going over there.
i know i will regret it if i don't.
shy and resistant, i will go tomorrow morning, before clinic.

inward

have been feeling a bit inward lately.
the din of manila is diffficult for me.
am really wanting to limit my time there.
been feeling so sensitive and sensitive to energies lately.

this Awakening...
have been finding solace in music.
have been wearing out some songs lately.
saw the movie "Once" the other day.
good one about karmic relationships.
and the soundtrack has been playing ever since.

"falling slowly
eyes that know me
and i can't go back..."

my fingers are sore, as i've been playing guitar lately.

"you have sufferred enough
and warred with yourself.
it's time that you won..."

was in manila on friday.
met with Aisa, and received the level I reiki attunements.
unable to really write about it right now.
still integrating kasi
afterwards, i slept at the ginhawa house.
spent time with my friend Leah saturday morning.

saturday evening back at madapdap.
organized my kitchen.
finally.
bought organic goodness a number of different places.
Pipsy and i traveled all over.
apparently, there is one place in all of manila that one can buy filo dough.
(Santi's btw, in makati)
bought some for sunday.

Simmi donated her fridge when she left to go back to canada.
having a ref has changed my life!
kinda like having Pipsy.

have been craving spanokopita.
gathered up all the ingredients, packed them with ice.
and headed to prado.

before prado, met Claude, Maryan, and Reimon at the famous Everybody's Cafe in san fernando for lunch.
i love kampampangan food.
hands down.
those three could very well be my favorite eating partners.

what didn't we eat?
sinigang.
fresh lumpia made with green papaya.
grilled tilapia with the mustard leaves and fermented rice sauce.
crickets adobo. (i know...crazy, but i loved this.)
murcon with the drippings. (naku. my fave.)
paksiw ng bangus with chicharon and claude's special toyo concoction. (a winning combo.)
stuffed frogs. (i know, again.)
crispy duck.
chicharon bulaklak.
fresh mangga.
and chocolate, ah.

what a feast.

then a quiet sunday at prado.
taught Manang and Ate Winnie how to make spanokopita and hummus.
that was fun, and we laughed and laughed.
discovered Rilke's letters to a young poet.
dear Mr. Kappus...
gorgeous.

will be traveling back and forth to manila again this week.
not really wanting to make the trips, but i understand it is my choice...

am a bit behind in my paperwork.
both for this Center and my other one.
will be a productive week, i hope.

the sunken cathedral

three weeks ago i attended a workshop at prado on the 12 Senses.

Cha played this Debussy piece on the piano and told us the story behind it.

i can't remember it exactly, and when i google it, the legend of Ys comes up.

the story i remember from the workshop is different.

there was a very unique cathedral, situated in a town, near the sea.
and at the same time of day, everyday, it rises up out of the water.
and at the end of the day, everyday, it sinks back down into the water.
for whatever reason, it does this.

the cathedral is beautiful.
and ornate.
and catches the light.
it is an integral part of the community.

as Cha and Reimon told the story, i drifted off into my own thoughts and imagination. Cha began to play and when i heard this haunting piece of music, i was lost in another world.

in my mind's eye, i saw this cathedral rise up, up, up out of the water.
saw how the water gave way, spilled out of the door, high windows, and belltower.
and the fish always knew when to scatter.
heard the underwater scraping noise as the bedrock groaned, as once again, it made this journey upwards.

i saw a small brown girl who loved this place.
her parents were charged with its upkeep.
and everyday, her father and mother would go to the place were the cathedral would rise and patiently wait.
when it had risen, her parents would meticulously clean and dry all of the pews, paying special attention to the alter.
the floors must be dried.
any errant seaweed would be removed.
any sea creatures hidden in the corners, would be tossed back into the sea.
as an infant, the girl was strapped to her mother's back, as her mother arranged the alter cloth.

as a toddler, she would sit on the pew that was dried first by her father.
everyday, she would be allowed to pick which one would be first.
she would ask her father questions about birds and fishes, while he worked.
her chubby legs would swing to and fro as she prattled on with her questions.
when she sensed her father was tired of her asking and asking, she entertained herself by singing songs about rocks that she would make up on the spot. or would think of the flowers they passed in the morning. or would lay down for a nap, as it was so early that they had to wake up every morning. the saltwater had long worn away the varnish on the wooden pew. the waterlogged wood was swollen, yet smooth. and it smelled like the sea.

the townspeople knew to wait until both doors were opened wide before they could enter to pray.
and as soon as the girl was strong enough to push them open, this was her job.

there was no priest or preacher.
and there hadn't been one in a very long time.
the townspeople got along without one.

for whatever reason, the girl does not accompany her parents to prepare the cathedral for it's daily sinking.
and she has many questions as to why the cathedral rose and sunk everyday.
she asked her parents.
she asked her neighbors.
she asked the elders.
none of their answers satisfied her.

she loved the cathedral so much.
it was so beautiful
and so special to her.
she was in awe of its ability to rise and fall, every single day.
she wanted to know what happened to it after it sunk.

where did it go?
why did it go?
was is lonely?
did it miss her?
does it have to sink everyday?
will there ever be a time when it will not rise again?

no one could answer these questions.

so, the girl stole away from her parents, one early evening, just before the cathedral was to return to the depths of the sea.
everyday, her parents would make sure that everyone was cleared out at least one hour before the sinking.
all the linens were folded neatly and taken out.
candles were extinguished.
the pews were put together and secured.
the doors were locked tight.

but the girl had taken the key from her father's pocket when he wasn't looking.
she unlocked the heavy door and pushed it open.
she closed it again.
the cathedral was dark.
she was not used to seeing it so dark.

when the sinking began, she didn't notice it right away.
she was softly singing to herself, and it happened so slowly.
she was sitting on her favorite pew, and it started to float.
the girl was fascinated.
finally, she would be able to stay with her cathedral and see what happened to it after it sunk.

and then she was scared.
she had realized the enormity of what she had done.
and she tried to unlock the door and get out.
but she couldn't.
she died by drowning.

i remember the shock i felt when i "woke up" from my hazy vision.
i was so disturbed by it.
was wondering where on earth did this come from?
what a story...
her death saddened me so.
it stirred up so many feelings in me.
felt so protective over her.
and bewildered.
could actually feel her panic as the doors would not open.
felt so badly for her parents, for the townspeople.
could imagine their guilt and profound grief.

then i came to another startling realization.
many lifetimes ago, i was that little girl.

there's a lot here.
this vision says a lot about letting go.
and letting go.
and letting go.
and letting go.
and trust.
and trust.
and trust.
and trust.
and communication.
and love.
and Love.
and teaching.
and learning.
and the importance of seeing how things begin...
and how they end.
appreciating the cycle.

with my death as this little girl, i started on this journey of Awakening.
each subsequent lifetime brings me closer and closer to just that.
i have chosen each time the circumstances to be born into, with the intention of furthering me along.

it is in this lifetime that i will finally wake up.

back

it's a question i get a lot.

"when are you going (coming) back?"

i don't know.
i don't know when i'll know.

i do know that it is not yet the time to go back.

it's difficult for me to tell folks this.
especially people that care about me, that need me.

this is also a teaching and learning.
it would be easy to slip into a productive life of Service when i go back.
there is no lack of work to do to help heal.

i am not yet healed.
not enough yet.
to be sure, healing.
pero kulang pa eh.

and it has become clear again that the Universe is asking me to refine my discernment.
why is it again that you've come?
are you doing what you've come here for?
if you aren't, where did you detour?
and why?
and was it, is it, worth it?

feeling more and more comfortable here.
still hit some bumps and have my share of ups and downs.
but they are settling down a bit, and don't swing so violently anymore.

i've adopted Pampanga as my home province.
we've taken quite a liking to one another.
am grateful to feel her embrace.

met the governor a couple of weeks ago, at the Luid Ka! book launch.
such an inspiring campaign and election.
am reminded of the nature of the Pilipino.
passionate, loving, cooperative, fierce...

i used my last $2000 and bought a car.
i call her Pipsy.
my cousin named her Pepsi, because she is that same shade of blue.
medyo matanda na siya. 1995 eh.
kia din.
pride pala.
(there's this line in one of my secret favorite piolo-juday movies, "don't give up on us." they are bickering back and forth. and suplada juday says, "excuse me, may pride ako." sometimes when i see Pipsy, i recall that scene, and i think, "ako din...may pride ako!")

my cousin has been so helpful in helping me fix Pipsy.
he knows about cars. driver din siya.
and a really good teacher.
super patient.
so glad that i learned how to drive a stickshift back in the day.
if i had to learn that on top of learning how to drive in Manila...patay.

driving here can be fun.
no rules kasi.
stop signs seem like mere suggestions.
as are the lines on the road. suggestions of lanes.
no street signs.
land of the unmarked u-turn slots.
don't get me started on the quezon city circle...
i get lost all the time and somehow find my way again.
i like the independence that i have with a car.
i like that i can drive here.
it's quite an accomplishment.
my parents were worried about me driving.
my mother insists that i drive only in the daytime...
i like that i know how to commute.
i like that i know how to take the provincial bus.
and the jeeps.
and the fx.
and the city bus.

it is getting harder and harder to spend any significant amount of time in manila.
it's too...much.
more later...clinic is about to start.

dip is deep

i have this random textmate that sends me messages every so often.
i have no idea who this person is or how they got my number.

the texts usually have a religious flavor to them.
and they are almost always in english.
and, it's funny because they have this uncanny timing.

here's the latest:

wnevr u dnt undrstnd wats hpening n ur lyf
u jz hv 2 cLse ur eyes
tke a dip breath & say
"LORD, i knw it's ur plan,
jst help me thru it!"
gud am!

/|\

roused again

woke up this morning at around 3am.
my room was so hot.
and someone was pulling my energy from the states.
was it you?

clarity

it is not enough for me to have clarity; though it is an essential step.
clarity allows me to see...
my past.
my present.
clarity leads me to my vision of my future.

an authentic existence.
a Path of wholeness, of Service.
clarity also allows me to see my choices and their impact, their ripple effect.
clarity also allows me to see my interdependence, my place in the Cosmos.

i also need commitment.

commitment to maintaining the clarity.
commitment to positioning myself so that my vision is realized.

by any means necessary.

this doesn't mean that i allow myself to leave a trail of bodies in my wake.
i am certainly capable of doing it that way.

no, instead, i practice fierce Compassion.
and nurture my discipline to stay the course.
to get up when i fall.
and i fall often.
to choose this way of life each and every day, every moment.

my dear friend, Amy, emailed the other day.
sabi niya, " I feel more and more strongly that the best way to live this life is to put down the things that take away my clarity, even my own passion."

i am struck by her words.
this is the stuff of deep, deep Love.

virgen de guadalupe

went for a long bike ride today.
found a monastary.
asked to be let in.
Sister Irene brought me to the chapel and sat with me while i sobbed.
afterwards, she fed me star apple and sampaloc juice.
Ina, Ina.

bulan

my friend, rowell, sang me this song in kapampangan the other day.
it is from a father to his son, upon finding themselves separated.
i'm not sure why they were separated.
there are an infinite number of reasons, i guess.

bulan

potang malungkut ka
potang tatakut ka
potang paintunan mu ku
lumwal ka, talanga ka

akit me ing bulan
a masala, karin mikit kata
eneka tumakut, ena ku naman
migaganaka uling balu ku
balang bengi mikikit kata
king lalam ning bulan a masala

marayu kamaw kabug ning
salu mu, sainsing mu
fanandaman ku balu ku
aintingdyan ku

akit me ing bulan
a masala, karin mikit kata
eneka tumakut, ena ku naman
migaganaka uling balu ku
balang bengi mikikit kata
king lalam ning bulan a masala

parati mu sang tandanan
muran man, atyu ya
ing bulan

***
moon

when you are sad
when you are scared
when you are looking for me
go out and look


you will see the moon so bright
there we’ll meet
you will fear no more
and i won’t worry about you

because i know
every night we see each other under the bright moon

even though you are far away
your heartbeat
your sigh
i hear

i know
i understand

you will see the moon so bright
there we’ll meet
you will fear no more
and i won’t worry about you

always remember even if it rains, the moon is just there.

skeletons

i see the closet doors out of my periphery.
my heart beats faster as i know i will be opening them soon.

what will i do with what i find in there?
why has no one spoken of them?
why did they pretend they were not there?

there is nothing to "do," per se.
and there is much to know, to get to know.

i've been so busy doing other things.
i am reminded that this is also part of my work here.

okay.

kuwintas

the scent of nag champa doesn't make me sad anymore.
i burn a little bit everyday, and i remember the unflappable.
it strengthens my resolve.
and i smile.

i remember the laughter.
and the love.
the jokes and fun of long ago.
not that long ago.
lifetimes ago.

i remember the ease.
and i wonder when we'll find it again.

until then, i look at the moon.
until then, i continue to put one foot in front of the other.

i marvel how the love doesn't change.

i wear mine, too.

san valentin

i just had one of the best v-days in a looong time.
wasn't planning on doing anything.
actually wanted to kinda disregard the whole v-day thing altogether...

except everyone around me was wearing red.
and greeting, "happy valentimes!"
and asking me stuff like, "ano, ate karen, may valentine ka ba?
sabi ko, "wala ho. pero okay lang yun."
sabi nila, "di bale, hinanap kita."

was all ready to spend a quiet night at home.
"watch" a movie and do paperwork.
was going to catch up on clinic stuff.
no shortage of things to do...

actually thursdays are one my favorite days at the clinic.
the two thursday physical therapists are great.
one is Estong.
the other is Michelle.

riot naman si Estong talaga.
tawang tawa kami si Michelle.

corny, corny pinoy jokes all day long.
"ang corny!"
come to think of it, he and Nathanel would have a field day marathon.
they also have great rapport with the clients and their families.

turns out Estong can also play the guitar and sing.
so, pagkatapos ang clinic namin, nag song hits kami.
for the past two thursdays, Estong has brought a plastic shopping bag full of song hits.
worn out and tattered, the stack of song hits magazines are a treasure trove of guitar tab and lyrics.
tagalog songs, love songs, folk, pop, oldies, hip hop even.
i really love hanging out with musicians.

on thursdays, the three of us go out to lunch together.
always to armi's carinderia.
the three of us somehow manage to fit onto Estong's scooter.
Michelle crouched in front.
Estong in the middle, driving.
me in the back.

then we order tortang talong, lechon paksiw, pusong saging, sisig, meatballs, pinakbet, beef caldereta, sinigang...
whatever strikes our fancy that particular day.
ako, palagi, nag order ako ng lechon paksiw at kalahating order na pusong saging.
sarap!

always a liter of pepsi to share.
(to think i RARELY drank soda before this trip)

atsaka tatlong kanin.

the tv is usually on tuned into the lunchtime program variety show/game show.
we call out the answers to the quiz questions.
i feel embarrassed when the show host pokes fun at the contestants and makes them dance to sexy music.
after lunch, we go back to the clinic and do song hits and our charting, in that order.

in the middle of song hits, i got a two texts.
one was from Reimon, wanting to drop by the clinic for a valentine's hug, as he made his way back to manila.
the other from Maryan, inviting me to an arty, foodie, concert taking place at the angeles museum.

by the time song hits ended and charting was done, it was around 4pm.
naligo ako.

Reimon and his driver Kuya Eugene showed up as the sun was setting.
i invited Reimon to the angeles museum thing.
we exchanged our vday hug, and he gave me a small gift bag filled with pastillas, saging, and (jyesss, ang bagong favorite ko) passionfruit. also a pirated copy of brokeback mountain, a movie that we were wanting to see together last week. we had this long conversation on longing kasi, and we thought that that movie captured it, heartbreakingly so.

around 5:30pm is when people start buying and preparing for dinner.
vendors sell garlic peanuts, fish balls, balut, boiled corn, etc. in the streets.
the sun is setting and it is cool. people are out in droves.
as we left madapdap, we bought corn and peanuts.

as we drove towards angeles, the sky was lit up with setting sunlight. the high clouds caught the light and reflected back pinks and yellows.

"let's watch the sunset!"

"sige, where's a good place?"

"let's find a hill. or a bridge."

the sun waits for no one.
nary a hill nor a bridge could be found fast enough.
we pulled off the road into the middle of a sugar cane field.

Kuya Eugene magically produced (as he is wont to do) two chairs out of nowhere.
we sat and munched on corn and roasted peanuts and sipped prado basil tea from a yellow thermos.

we laughed as Eugene snapped our photo in the middle of the sugar cane field.
talagang production number ito.
our conversation meandered from topic to topic. we laughed and were quiet.
a swarm of mosquitos hovered and spiraled near my head, but didn't bite me.

sappy tagalog love songs were playing from the pick up.
we made fun of them and pretended that we didn't know who sang them.
the sheltering sky bade us farewell.
and the moon came out, right above our heads.
"hello Beautiful," i whispered to her.

Reimon was craving chickenjoy from jollibee.
so we went to dau, and i had my very first chickenjoy.
it was so amusing to eat fastfood with him kasi, whenever we are together, it is usually organic this, biodynamic that.

afterwards, it was 8pm.
he dropped me off at the museum.
he had to get back to manila so Eugene and his wife could celebrate valentine's day.

celebrated v-day again with the Tayags.
met 4 or 5 of Claude's siblings. (12 all together!)
and mga pamangkin.
and his ina.

Maryan made kwento-kwento about watching the recent senate hearings live.
the music floated up to us from below.
Maryan made buffalo chicken wings and boasted that she is a better cook than Claude.
they were good ha.
nice cheeses.
and wine.
a full, full evening.
Claude made baon for me with all the leftover things that don't need refrigeration.
he was really thoughtful.
alam niya, wala pa akong ref, eh.
they dropped me home at 11pm, i think the latest i've been home to the clinic.

got online and chatted and talked and skyped.
that was five hours ago.
left the house, Joy!
now, i just gotta remember to get some sleep!

ostrich

my friend Leny came to visit me yesterday.
it was surreal.
i was just at her house last month in sonoma.
then, here she is in pampanga.
we went to paradise ranch in clark.
and saw ostrich.
and butterflies.
and an eagle that turned out to be a hawk.
and a swan that turned out to be a duck.
i found three brown feathers with white polka dots.
i tucked them away in my elephant box.

got internet at the clinic two days ago.
yiyeh.
my friend Joy said, "remember to leave the house every once in a while."
oo nga.
tama.
well, i went to the ranch.
that counts.

moon

i thought the moon was waning.
hindi pala.
she is waxing.
i look up and greet her each night.
and think of you.

progress

from astro.com today:

Easy progress ***

Valid during many months: At this time you have the chance to get in touch with your innermost psychological being and experience your real emotions. You can understand your real motives and the basis of your unconscious compulsions and drives. You will experience your emotions as profound, real and intense, but not difficult. Because of this you can learn about aspects of your personality that are normally hidden even from yourself. This is an excellent time for encountering philosophies of human potential and growth. But you won't have to deal with it abstractly, because even in your everyday relationships you will handle people with much more emotional depth and feeling than usual.
This influence can affect your personal and domestic life as well as your innermost psychological nature. It gives the opportunity to make creative changes and reforms in your relationships with the people you see every day, such as your family, relatives and parents. You may make physical changes in your home that reflect the changes taking place within you, so that your immediate surroundings more closely harmonize with your feelings.

But there is little sense of turmoil with this influence. You have a strong sense of belonging, and those who are close to you support the changes that are happening inside you, which makes it easier to progress. Past conditioning, which often causes difficulties by generating inappropriate behavior, will actually give you a boost now. You have a strong feeling that you have something to fall back on, and that whatever you have to do will work out favorably. But you will not be run by past conditioning. Because even as it operates, you can see its actions and understand it.

Activity period from beginning of February 2008 until beginning of December 2009.

february

is there something about february that is just ridiculous?

i remember last year's february was so difficult for me.

this year is no exception.

i am racking my brains.
wanting to tear my hair out.

actually wanting to tear my heart out.

don't want to feel right now.
want to check out.
and be numb.

want to run away from my responsibilities.
want to abandon Mayora.

i swear the hardest thing about this "whole thing" has been my relationship with her.
stuff around money lately.

SCARCITY IS A MYTH.
EVERYTHING DOES NOT NEED TO BE A BLOODY BATTLE TO THE DEATH.

i think about my Center in berkeley.
how i worked out a lot of my tightness around money there.
how heartbreaking it is to be on the receiving end of behavior so instilled in fear
and investment in fear
and so little trust nor venue for conversation about it.
sabi ni Mayora kasi, "if there are issues here, they are YOURS, not mine."

naku, i know that place.
and i recognize the impact of my privilege (money, class, nationality, mobility, etc.) in all of this.
haaay, it's so complicated.

i remember what my Mitra said before i left this last time.

she said, "Muki, take care of Muki."

i hear her voice now.
see the look on her face.
deep love, concern, encouragement, acknowledgement of the pain, without my having said anything about it.
all with a look.
her eyes see through my brave front.
could actually feel her empathy, as she knows this Path is not an easy one.
she knows because she has walked it before.
wish i could hug her now.
or lean my head on her shoulder while she watches heroes or csi or 24 or whatever.
she can have similar energy to Mayora with one important difference.

when we do our work at the Center, if she saw someone (and there was always someone!) working themselves from an unsustainable place, from a place of anger or violence, after a bit, if they didn't self-correct their course or if the Community didn't step up and ask the hard questions, she would say, "just stop. let the project go."

even if it was really important to our growth.
even if it was really important to our Community.
even if outside agencies were depending on us.
even if "so much good" would come out of it.
even if there was little to no chance that the beneficiaries of the work would ever know nor likely care HOW the work was actually completed.

Mitra said, "if our work comes from an unsustainable place, it actually sows the seeds for more violence, which is why we find ourselves in this kind of world."

she said, "i would rather see you give it up than do it that way. i'll let this whole thing fall to the ground, if need be."

and she really meant it.
i didn't believe her at first.
who really says that and means it?
people SAY that, and when it comes right down to it, it's the bottom line. it's always the bottom line.

no, no.
my Mitra is the real deal.
she means it.
she means it with every fiber of her Being.
and it comes from a place of deep Love.
and fierce Compassion.

i've seen it.
i've experienced it.
and i realize deeper and deeper how precious that is to me.
and how rare indeed.

i want to abandon Mayora, and i know i won't.
see, i walk a different way now.
it's about relationship.
i will do as my Teacher has instructed me.

Muki, take care of Muki.
and, in doing this, i will be able to see more clearly.
and find the courage to ask the hard questions.
and ask in a good way.
not in a fit of rage or hurt.
and it may be that i choose to leave Mayora, not abandon her.

earlier, i slipped on these foam tiles that line the floor of the clinic.
was going too fast.
took a fall on the cement.
will be sore tomorrow.
bruised, too, prolly.

slow down, Beautiful.
smile.
enjoy this too, if you can.

supposed to go to Prado tonight.
cancelled.
the thought of climbing into a jeep, then a bus, and then trying to find my way in the dark makes me feel nauseated.
will stay put tonight.
will walk to the park.
look at the moon.
and find some calamares and buko juice for dinner.

choice

the Universe is teaching me about choice.

i am surrounded by delicious choices.

in the past, choice seemed easier.
kasi, it was between something kinda horrendous and barely tolerable.

easy, right?
barely tolerable.

now, the choices that i am faced with are not so black and white.
they are complex, round, equal parts joy and pain.
and really delicious.

what do i REALLY want to do?
is this how i want to spend my time?
is this what i want to be doing?
is this who i want to be doing it with?

these are the questions i swirl around in my head.
i cannot answer these questions when i am swept away by my emotions.
need a degree of stillness and calm to be able to consider these important questions.

i don't know, until i know.
until i know, i'll stay this course.
no wrong answer here, Muki.

will keep asking the questions...
and live the answers.

patience, darling Self.
kaya mo ito.

ease

another shift has happened in this extraordinary, ordinary life of mine.
last tuesday, i was up to my eyeballs in stress, overwhelm, disappointment, confusion, grief...

i realized how much energy it takes to be angry.
and how much energy it takes to be angry and pretend that i'm not so much.
and how much energy it takes to be angry, pretend that i'm not not so much while trying to find a constructive way to move through it that doesn't involve dramatics or violence.

i went to bed that night and wondered how to stop.
i realized that i need to be even more intentional in how i spend my time and energies.
i realized that my anger was consuming my precious resources.

the next day, i was pensive.
still brooding.
moving through it.
talked with friends about how i was feeling.
sat in meditation in the morning.
cried.
wrote.
sobbed.
sang.
cleaned.
drummed.
napped
listened.
hugged myself.
rocked myself.
soothed myself.

somewhere between sleep and waking the next morning, the anger left.
it was such a strange feeling to have her gone.
at first, i didn't believe.
oh, she's around here somewhere.
she can't have left.
i realized in, in a way, i kinda missed her.
just a little.
and just for a few seconds.
then, it was more a reactive panic.
where IS she?
is she really gone?

yes.
she is.

Mayora

we are more alike than different.
one of the most challenging relationships in my life right now.

anger.
trauma.
fear.

expectations.

release.
transform.

love.
remember.
re-member.

forgive.
forgive.
forgive.

passionfruit

ate it fresh for the first time the other day.
atsaka biodynamic pala.

naku.
bagong favorite ko na ito.

how do you eat it, i asked?
"it's easy," said Reimon.

score it like this.
pull it apart.
open up the white membrane thingy.
scoop it out with a spoon and eat it in one bite, seeds and all.

the fruit is surprisingly...greyish.
parang brains daw.
oo, tama.
reminds me of that one john cusack movie where his mom makes this dinner that sprouts legs and crawls away.

but, the taste.
it's so googey.
and sweet.
and distinct.
and round.
the seeds are crunchy and their acidity balance the sweet.
i like the feel of my teeth crunching the seeds.
i expect them to be harder than they really are.
pleased that they aren't.
i make myself stop after three.
sarap talaga.

nag champa

araw-araw, magsisindi ako ng insenso.
kumakapit ang bango sa aking balat.
malakas yung katahimikan mo.
ang sagot din ng katahimikan, eh.

parehong pareho ang pagibig ko.
kasi, puno ng kahulugan siya.
atsaka taimtim din siya.
walang hanggan, eh.

kinakalagan ko ang hapdi ng kalooban.
hindi ko na muling kailangan,eh.

walang tigil, walang maliw ang pagibig ko sa iyo.
palagi.
paalam...
paalam...
bumibitiw ako sa iyo.

internet

been wanting to get internet at the clinic.

there are times when i've wanted to google something really bad...
or blog.
or gmail chat.
or skype.
and i didn't want to haul my butt to the internet cafe.
it is within walking distance naman.
often they are crowded and noisy.
young men playing shooting games and swearing in tagalog and kapampangan.
young women online dating.
families talking with their ofw loved ones.
friendster, multiply, facebook, etc...

filled out an application online right when i landed back in the philippines.
on thursday, benedict, the manager of smart wireless, nepo mall, angeles came by the clinic so i could fill out a paper application and pay my first month's service charge of P999.

the installers came by later that evening to install it.
i was so excited.
at last...

it was a big production to get the antennae up.
people came out of their houses to watch the technician go up on the roof.
i was afraid that the corrugated steel roof was going to cave in when he stepped on it. it made a terrific racket.

pinoys are so curious.
one man came into the porch and was peering through my bedroom window to watch them set it up on my laptop.
i had to gently shoo him away.
"huwag na po."
so much for keeping it a secret that i have a computer in the clinic.

anyway, they had a hard time setting it up.
it took about an hour.
wrong part, wrong line, change this hardware, switch this, etc.

after it was all said and done, they had to take it all down.
the signal was too weak.

THE SIGNAL WAS TOO WEAK.
disappointment.
big time.
sadness.
frustration.
anger.

so, i had internet for a minute.
and then i didn't.

the technician recommended that i go through comclark instead.
their office is in sm clark.
two jeepney rides, 45 minutes, and P30 (one way) away.

okay.

i resolved to get up the next morning and go first thing, as i wanted to get the clinic organized.

i woke up the next morning.
and my face felt funny. swollen.
my arms too.
apparently i was the main course for some mosquitos the night before.
i looked like frankenstein.

so much for leaving first thing.
i wasn't sure if i wanted to leave the house.
i think i had something like 3 bites on my face.
left eye, third eye, and nose.
6 on my arms.

i called my friend joy back, as she called the night before when i was in the throes of depression. i recanted the tale to her and she sympathized. we had to call each other back 4 or 5 times because the call kept dropping. we laughed each time because i said, "see? the signal is too weak. good thing i didn't get internet!" plus, i ran out of load.

haaay.
so, the swelling went down that afternoon, at least enough so that i felt i could venture out of the house.
found the comclark office.
in order to apply, i need proof that i own the house, a utilities bill in my name, and valid id.

i don't own the house.
ate tey does.
the utilities bills are in her name; though i pay them.

so, when i see her next week, i'll ask her if she will go with me to angeles so we can apply for internet. will be an expensive endeavor.

will need to go to smart wireless in angeles, nepo mall in two weeks to get my refund.

grrr.
i don't even know where the nepo mall is.
i guess i'll find out in two weeks.