frenzy

the first night we were here at the guest house, i met these bugs that were so attracted to light. i don't know where they came from. maybe a hole in a screen in the bathroom window. first it was one, two, then three. then fifteen. then thirty. they were all frenzied, flying around. i was trying to read. ged was talking on her phone.

they were brown and had four wings and segmented bodies. from end to end, they were about an inch and a half long.

we turned on the bathroom light so they would go there and let us alone.

i went to the bathroom and the air was thick with "the swarm." they were crazy about the light. weird, i thought. there were so many, as they buzzed by my ears, dive-bombed my head.

later, i went in to brush my teeth. and the floor was littered with their lacy wings and some of their little wingless bodies were crawling around the ground. some were already upside down, dead.

instantly, i felt remorse.
i killed them.
we killed them.

they were just doing what they do. it's their nature to be super attracted to light. (i could relate. who isn't?)
like a moth to a flame...

didn't they know not to be so crazy for the light to fly themselves into exhaustion? i mean, literally they flew their wings off.

and maybe they can't live without their wings, because by morning, they were all dead.

should i have turned off the light?
would that have "saved" them?
is that my job?
is that my responsibilty?

i feel sad that they are dead.
maybe it was their time.
maybe this happened for me to realize some important teachings.
maybe i am supposed to simply bear witness to their deaths and my own humanity.
and learn.
and share.

this i know:

frenzy is not a sustainable state.

despite our nature or tendencies, as humans, we have the "precious gift of choice and the power to change" to act differently, and the capacity to hold our nature and tendencies with compassionate context.

we cannot live when we cut parts of ourselves off. or wear them out, as the case may be. we may live, but it is a half life, at best. no chance for thriving there.

this happened three nights ago.
and no sign of those bugs anymore.
haven't seen them since.
not even one.
maybe they went to go share their wisdom with someone else.
will they see what i have seen?