on speaking

i’m frustrated with my slowness in speaking. layers there.

shame.
fear.
energy dispersed.
resistance.

participants are constantly asking, “Ate Karen, ano sasabihin mo sa tagalog…” sometimes, i can answer. sometimes, i can’t. it’s a parallel experience, really. they are learning. i am learning. we are learning.

another lesson on how to lead with grace.
even when i am unsure.
even when i don’t have all the answers.
especially, when i am unsure and don’t have all the answers. (i don't!)

my goodness, how i could know how to say half the things they ask? it makes sense as i type this out now, and, at the time, my automatic response is one of shame, guilt, fear.

fear that they will see how scared i am sometimes. how small i feel sometimes. how i don’t know all the answers.

these are sometimes feelings.
why do i privilege them so?

ah, old, old wounds.
heal.
heal.
heel.

speaking of heel, it will be my one year anniversary that i got kicked by the female being-angel and ruptured my achilles tendon. i think it was july 4th. independence day. ha, ha. it was more like dependence day. or really interdependence day.

Bong said that the left foot represents the past and the right foot represents the future. she kicked me so that i would move towards the future,
step into my power,
be who i am,
fulfill what i came here to do.
in this body.
in this way.

okay.