weary v. tired

tired goes away after you rest.
weary doesn't.

either i haven't rested enough or
i'm more weary than i thought.

i haven't been resting well these last weeks.
'tis true.
and still.

i'm feeling a bit muddled.
and lonely.

there's another one: alone vs. lonely.
i haven't the heart to qualify them now.
suffice it to say,
i don't mind alone so much.
lonely, i do.

how is it that i can burn so bright.
and then...not.

there is something about sustainability here.
i don't think i am tending the fire evenly.
i'm learning, i guess.
i realize that my tendency is to stay rather inward.
that it is, to varying degrees, a great summoning of will to go and stay outward.
and, it is easier, at times for me to maintain outward, depending on some things.

the mix of folks.
my mood.
the subject at hand.
the impact and consequences of staying in.
what's at stake.
am i withholding the Dharma?
the impact and consequences of going out.
my energy.
how well i've been caring for myself...

these last 4 days have been rather intense.
lots of connections.
different types of people.
me speaking out...
living, leading, loving...
from the heart.
steadying my quavering voice.
steeling my failing nerve.

courage is born when i cannot bear things staying the same.
in the in-between space.

i'm tired tho.
and weary.

i woke up to the sounds of exuberant marching bands.
the rumbling of the tuba.

it's fiesta time here.
i don't feel like being around people.
or celebrating.
or even talking.

so, i won't.
until i do.

and i won't 'til it's absolutely called for.