even though

i just finished almost burning my tongue on a seafood cup-o-noodles.
there was one left over from the other night, when rowell and i went on our all- day date. after a full day of adventures, he was craving soup. on the way home, we stopped at the mini-stop (the one next to mary the queen college), and he bought cup-o-noodles and ice cream. i had a pinipig crunch. when he asked me what flavor cup-o-noodles i wanted, i replied, “seafood.” that was Lola’s favorite flavor. turns out it is Rowell’s too. and now mine, by default.

with all of the fasting and cleansing and biodynamic chu-chu i’ve been doing, i can’t believe i’ve been reduced to this. reminds me of college when i ate my fair share of top ramen, potato buds, and rice-o-roni. i remember one day when i thought to myself, “i actually don’t have to eat this crap.” and i started making meals from scratch.

my mind is swimming lately.
much has happened.

i completed my teacher training. will lay that to rest for now and trust that the i’ve prepared the soil enough for the seeds that were planted to germinate and grow.

pretty much straight from the 3 week training, i attended an anthroposophic conference for 3 days in manila. more learning and connections. brilliant lecturers. new friends. old friends. lots of synapse fire.

have had some warm reunions with some long-lost and wayward friends. that has been thrilling and a little nervewracking. takes energy to extend and extend. and extend. it’s good to witness my own growth. and it’s a very good feeling, indeed, for my own witness to be enough.

i go to manila tomorrow to buy my plane ticket to go to the states next month for another visit. i’ll be attending the annual sesshin at my Center. was a big decision for me to go. i’m mindful that i’ve given myself a precious few months left here in the Philippines before i move back to the states. there are many places yet to visit and re-visit. at the end of this month, the cordilleras. will stay with grace in baguio, then off to banaue and sagada, sola.
there’s also batanes (sana) before the rainy season starts, and perhaps tuguegarao. also vigan, palawan, davao, makilala. los banos, tagaytay. and also back to Iloilo for classroom observation at GCI and cheese sticks at mango tree.

and then there’s the money factor. it’s a thousand bucks for airfare alone. the deciding factor ultimately came down to a question. after it is all said and done, i asked myself, “would i regret NOT going?”
the quiet voice said, “yes.”

and that was that.

well, that and my knowing that the annual sesshin is one of those Practice reference points, especially when considering that i return to the Center this year. when someone says, “remember at the last sesshin when…,” i want to be able to say, “yah, that was...”

so…thank goodness for credit cards.

oh, and Pipsy, my car, has been acting up. repairs (now, i know what a tire rod end is!) and renewing registration and insurance and gas… it’s all adding up. and, man, driving is truly a privilege. when i go back to the states, i will be car-less, and i’m thinking that may be the way to go…

i drop off Pipsy at a shop in san fernando tomorrow morning at 8am, and then i’ll commute to manila. it’s been awhile since i’ve taken the bus, and i’m kinda looking forward to it. let someone else do the driving and toll-paying and parking!

it’s been raining a lot here lately. two typhoons in the last week or so. the last one hit Zambales. Guagua is flooded. as i type this, i hear the distant rumbling of thunder. another storm coming. my right shoulder has been aching for the last week or so. i thought it was related to my moon, but, no, i’m afraid it’s a touch of arthritis!

last night was the first night that i actually felt afraid to sleep alone here. Rowell has been sleeping over a lot, so maybe i’m used to that na. but, last night, the rain was so loud, it woke me up from sleep. it was so loud, i thought, “my gosh, it’s gonna soak thru the roof!” it was so loud, i couldn’t sleep for the racket it made. i saw strange shadows and things dart around out of the corners of my eyes. it was the full moon last night, too.

i’ve done an apparent about-face re: facebook. i went from reluctant to neutral to skeptical to full blown addict. i like the stupid quizzes. (just not the really stupid ones.) i like feeling connected to people that i care about, especially in the bay. i know it’s not as good as an in-the-flesh connection, but when i’m all the way over here, it fills a certain void.

i had big plans for today. for cleaning. for yoga or running. for going to mass. for going to the palengke. i did none of it. early in the morning, a friend shared some upsetting news about recent life choices made by another friend. it’s like a train wreck about to happen. and i feel powerless to stop it. there’s nothing for me to do, except love her through this train wreck. and hope she survives it. she’ll survive it alright; she’s one of the toughest people i know. she’ll be so busy surviving, in fact, she’ll forget what it feels like to thrive. and she was just beginning to thrive, really thrive. i’m heartbroken over this. sayang na naman.

so, i spent some time crying and cursing. and slapping the wall, shaking my fists. and wishing to hit things and certain people and wail.

rageful. i was feeling rageful.

my facebook status says that i am making friends with rage.

it’s been 3 days now, and we’re still at it.

rage is like, "dude, glad you calmed down enough to see me, instead of reacting..." then, she's like, "can't you see my gift?"

me, i'm like, "yah, i know you're bringin’ sumthin'. and i even know it's time to look at it, receive it in a good way. forgive me tho, i’m still afraid to peek under your skirt."

she shrugs and sighs and crosses her legs. crosses her arms. and waits.

rage, i say, i can see your gift.
you invite me to look underneath.
it is not enough to stay surface and run amok.
the juice is at the root.
the opportunity for living Freedom, in every moment, begins at the root.

it’s the pain of looking underneath.
the being okay with not knowing why.
the agony of letting go.
the discernment of knowing when to speak up and when to hold it.
the discomfort of seeing someone i love make a very, very bad choice…and then in turn, remind myself to love her through it.

even though.
even though?
even though.

unconditional, Muki.
this is the agreement.

i opened a window earlier, and a tail-less gecko jumped in and scurried away.
like a reminder.

unconditional, Muki.
this is the agreement.

fuck.
this is really hard stuff.