Santa Rita is the patron saint of the impossible.
i don't suppose that it is mere coincidence that i've made my home here...
even when i lived in the clinic in Madapdap, i lived on Sta. Rita Ave.
she is all around me.
the church smells like roses.
kulay red.
Thursday, May 21, 2009
weary v. tired
tired goes away after you rest.
weary doesn't.
either i haven't rested enough or
i'm more weary than i thought.
i haven't been resting well these last weeks.
'tis true.
and still.
i'm feeling a bit muddled.
and lonely.
there's another one: alone vs. lonely.
i haven't the heart to qualify them now.
suffice it to say,
i don't mind alone so much.
lonely, i do.
how is it that i can burn so bright.
and then...not.
there is something about sustainability here.
i don't think i am tending the fire evenly.
i'm learning, i guess.
i realize that my tendency is to stay rather inward.
that it is, to varying degrees, a great summoning of will to go and stay outward.
and, it is easier, at times for me to maintain outward, depending on some things.
the mix of folks.
my mood.
the subject at hand.
the impact and consequences of staying in.
what's at stake.
am i withholding the Dharma?
the impact and consequences of going out.
my energy.
how well i've been caring for myself...
these last 4 days have been rather intense.
lots of connections.
different types of people.
me speaking out...
living, leading, loving...
from the heart.
steadying my quavering voice.
steeling my failing nerve.
courage is born when i cannot bear things staying the same.
in the in-between space.
i'm tired tho.
and weary.
i woke up to the sounds of exuberant marching bands.
the rumbling of the tuba.
it's fiesta time here.
i don't feel like being around people.
or celebrating.
or even talking.
so, i won't.
until i do.
and i won't 'til it's absolutely called for.
weary doesn't.
either i haven't rested enough or
i'm more weary than i thought.
i haven't been resting well these last weeks.
'tis true.
and still.
i'm feeling a bit muddled.
and lonely.
there's another one: alone vs. lonely.
i haven't the heart to qualify them now.
suffice it to say,
i don't mind alone so much.
lonely, i do.
how is it that i can burn so bright.
and then...not.
there is something about sustainability here.
i don't think i am tending the fire evenly.
i'm learning, i guess.
i realize that my tendency is to stay rather inward.
that it is, to varying degrees, a great summoning of will to go and stay outward.
and, it is easier, at times for me to maintain outward, depending on some things.
the mix of folks.
my mood.
the subject at hand.
the impact and consequences of staying in.
what's at stake.
am i withholding the Dharma?
the impact and consequences of going out.
my energy.
how well i've been caring for myself...
these last 4 days have been rather intense.
lots of connections.
different types of people.
me speaking out...
living, leading, loving...
from the heart.
steadying my quavering voice.
steeling my failing nerve.
courage is born when i cannot bear things staying the same.
in the in-between space.
i'm tired tho.
and weary.
i woke up to the sounds of exuberant marching bands.
the rumbling of the tuba.
it's fiesta time here.
i don't feel like being around people.
or celebrating.
or even talking.
so, i won't.
until i do.
and i won't 'til it's absolutely called for.
not quite the last
i'm not quite working my last nerve...
but, i tell ya, i ain't that far off.
whirlwind last 3 days or so.
is it 3?
they are blurring together.
i'm on my way home na from manila.
spent some time in weird makati.
reconnected with some innerdancers.
met some new ones.
i'll be home in sta. rita for one day.
(it'a all about laundry!)
then back to weird makati to dance on saturday.
then sunday, i have reiki level II.
then sunday night, dinner and spend time with tesa in paranaque.
then monday, climb onto a bus and head to baguio.
and then grace for couple of days.
then banaue.
then sagada.
and alone time.
thank
the
Goddess.
but, i tell ya, i ain't that far off.
whirlwind last 3 days or so.
is it 3?
they are blurring together.
i'm on my way home na from manila.
spent some time in weird makati.
reconnected with some innerdancers.
met some new ones.
i'll be home in sta. rita for one day.
(it'a all about laundry!)
then back to weird makati to dance on saturday.
then sunday, i have reiki level II.
then sunday night, dinner and spend time with tesa in paranaque.
then monday, climb onto a bus and head to baguio.
and then grace for couple of days.
then banaue.
then sagada.
and alone time.
thank
the
Goddess.
Monday, May 18, 2009
roused from sleep
who is pulling my energy?
roused from sleep again.
it's been like this like for the last 8 days or so.
not every night, but maybe 5 of 8.
2:30ish, i wake up because i feel someone calling my name.
is it you?
what is it that you want?
it's more than missing me.
what is it?
it's someone(s) in the states.
i've texted the usual suspects and they say 'nopes' or 'just a little.'
this feels bigger.
i feel like that part in clash of the titans when andromeda's astral body gets up every night and goes into that gilded cage thingy of that horrible vulture and is flown to calibos every night.
i'm tired, friend.
i wish i knew who you are.
and i wish you would contact me directly so that we could talk.
and we could lay to rest whatever it is...
roused from sleep again.
it's been like this like for the last 8 days or so.
not every night, but maybe 5 of 8.
2:30ish, i wake up because i feel someone calling my name.
is it you?
what is it that you want?
it's more than missing me.
what is it?
it's someone(s) in the states.
i've texted the usual suspects and they say 'nopes' or 'just a little.'
this feels bigger.
i feel like that part in clash of the titans when andromeda's astral body gets up every night and goes into that gilded cage thingy of that horrible vulture and is flown to calibos every night.
i'm tired, friend.
i wish i knew who you are.
and i wish you would contact me directly so that we could talk.
and we could lay to rest whatever it is...
Saturday, May 16, 2009
wrenched
i’m listening to this playlist i made called wrench.
many of these songs are lifted.
behold the magic of music!
our whole story is in this playlist.
i really should start charging you rent (again).
something in me still needs this pain.
the first time i saw you, i loved you.
when i hurt you, i wanted to give birth to you, give birth to you.
i made love to you.
i made love to you.
the great Goddess had us blessed.
the last time i saw you, i fought with you; i fought with you.
i didn’t mean to.
i didn’t mean to.
the next time you’ll see me, let me say sorry.
the next time i see you, i love you.
i’ll be sweet to you.
i’ll take you to my healing room.
o, we both know how loneliness goes.
everytime i see you, i want you.
i want you.
the more i do, you hate me, too.
but the great Goddess has us blessed.
you’re so far away and what can i say.
‘cause i can’t be the one you wanted me to be.
so tell me how does you feel?
it’s so confusing.
so what are we saying?
our Eden’s a failure?
a made up story to fit a picture perfect world?
and we are made for each other is forever over now.
i hope there’s forgiveness in the distance between us.
can we make what lies ahead of us a better place to be?
have you seen?
have not, will travel.
have i missed the big reveal?
do my eyes, do my eyes seem empty?
i’ve forgotten how this feels.
i’ve been high.
i’ve climbed so high.
but now sometimes it washes over me.
have you been?
have done, will travel.
i fell down on my knees.
was i wrong?
i don’t know; don’t answer.
i just needed to believe.
so i dive into a pool so cool and deep,
that if i sink, i sink
and when i swim, i fly so high.
what i want, what i want is
just to live my life on high.
and i know
i know you want the same.
i can see it in your eyes.
all your ways and all your thunder,
got me in a haze, running for cover.
where we gonna go from here?
where we gonna go from here?
700 places
700 faces
in fact, your eyes look like my mother’s.
when we talk, you’re like my brother.
where we gonna go from here?
where we gonna go from here?
it’s bigger than the ocean, bigger than my design.
all your ways and all your thunder,
got me in a haze, running for thunder.
now, i’ve waited, and i’ll wait some more.
won’t see me knocking on another door.
but, all this is crazy and amazing.
‘cause only one half of us that i’ve saving.
so, i’m praying just to let it go.
watch from a distance just to see you glow.
700 places
700 faces
am i faithful?
am i strong?
am i good enough to belong?
your vision of romance is cruel.
all your expectations bury me.
don’t worry.
you will find the answers if you let it go.
give your time some time to falter.
don’t forego knowing that you are loved no matter what.
everything will come around in time.
i own my insecurities, try to own my destiny.
i can make it, break it if i choose.
you take my words and twist them round.
‘til i’m the one who brings you down
make me feel like i’m the one to blame for all this.
you need everybody with you on your side
know that i am here for you
but i hope in time
you’ll find yourself alright alone
you’ll find yourself with open arms
you’ll find yourself
you’ll find yourself
in time
a riot in my heart decides
to keep me open and alive,
i have to take myself away from you.
‘cause i can’t compete
i can’t deny
there’s nothing that i didn’t try.
how did i go so wrong in loving you?
it could all be so simple.
but you’d rather make it hard.
loving you is like a battle
and we both end up with scars
tell me who i have to be
to get some reciprocity
see, no one loves you more than me
and no one ever will.
is this just a silly game?
that forces you to act this way
forces you to scream my name
then pretend that you can’t stay
i keep letting you back in
how can i explain myself
as painful as this thing has been
i just can’t be with no one else
see i know what we’ve got to do
you let go
and i’ll let go too
‘cause no one’s hurt me more than you
and no one ever will
no matter how i think we grow
you always seem to let me know: it ain’t working.
it ain’t working.
and when i try to walk away, you’d hurt yourself to make me stay.
this is crazy.
this is crazy.
this is crazy.
care for me, care for me
you’d say you’d care for me
there for me, there for me
you said you’d be there for me
cry for me, cry for me
you said you’d die for me
give to me, give to me
why won’t you live for me?
where were you when i needed you?
forgive.
sounds good.
forget.
i’m not sure i could.
they say time heals everything.
i’m still waiting.
i’m thru with doubt
there’s nothing left for me to figure out
i’ve paid a price
and i’ll keep paying
i’m not ready to make nice
i’m not ready to back down
i’m still mad as hell and i don’t have time to go round and round and round
it’s too late to make it right
prolly wouldn’t if i could
‘cause i’m mad as hell to do what it is you think i should
i know you’ve said
can’t you just get over it?
it turned my whole world around
and i kinda like it.
if i fall along the way, pick me up and dust me off
and if i get too tired to make, be my breath so i can walk
if i need some other love then, give me more than i can stand
and when my smile gets old and faded, wait around; i’ll smile again.
shouldn’t be so complicated
just hold me and then
just hold me again
can you help me?
i’m bent.
i’m so scared that i’ll never get put back together
keep breakin’ me in
and this is how we will end
whether you and me bend
and if i couldn’t sleep, could you sleep?
could you paint me better off?
could you sympathize with my needs?
i know you think i need a lot.
i started out clean but i’m jaded.
just phonin’ it in
just breakin’ the skin
so she woke up, woke up from where she was lying still
said i gotta do something about where we’re goin’
run from the darkness in the night
sweet the sin
bitter the taste in my mouth
i see 7 towers
but i only see one way out
you gotta cry without weeping
talk without speaking
scream without raising your voice
hit the ground babe
it’s all right now
hit the ground baby
take your veil down
see your eyes in mine
leave the rest behind
hit the ground
‘cause i want to love you now.
i’ve been waiting for you
i’ve been waiting for you
never found anything else but waiting for you
i’ve been calling your name
i’ve been calling your name
never found anything else the same, nothing’s the same
you can kill a lot of time, if you really put your mind to it
or leave it all behind and never really have to go thru it
i keep hearing your name
i keep hearing your name
nothing else sounds same, as hearing your name.
i’m a liar.
it’s my secret no one knows.
i’m a liar.
yea, i know it doesn’t show.
no, i don’t miss you anymore.
no, i don’t think of you.
it’s such a game to seem adored.
no, i don’t love you anymore.
no earthly church has blessed our union.
no state has ever granted us permission
no family bond has made us two
no company has ever owned commission
no debt was paid
no dowry to gained
no treaty over borderland or power
no semblance of a world remained
to state the beauty of this nuptial hour
the secret marriage vow
is never spoken
the secret marriage can never be broken
girl you are rich even with nothing
and you know tenderness comes from pain
it’s amazing how you love
love is kind
love can give
and get no gain
it’s down a rugged road you’ve come
tho you had every reason, you didn’t come undone
somehow, you made it to the other side
you didn’t suffer in vain
you forgive those who have trespassed against you
and you know tenderness comes from pain
it’s amazing you love.
you are the most beautiful thing i’ve ever seen
you shine just like sunlight rains on a winter snow
i just had to tell you so
your eyes sparkle as the stars
like the moon that glows
your smile could light the world on fire
or did you know?
your mind is full of everything that i wanna know
i just had to let you know
i just had to tell you so
you’re my butterfly.
fly
fly
fly
fly
don’t let me down
don’t let me down
don’t let me down
don’t let me down
nobody ever loved me like she does
and if somebody loved like she do me
i’m in love for the first
don’t you know it’s gonna last
it’s a love that lasts forever
it’s a love that has no past
set myself on fire
only thing that’s in your head
don’t deny this
burning from the things you said.
i drink good coffee in the morning
comes from a place that’s far away
when i’m done, i feel like talking
without you here, there is less to say
don’t want you thinking i’m unhappy.
what is closer to the truth
that if i lived til i was 102,
i just don’t think i’ll ever get over you.
no longer drink to drink strong whiskey
i shook the hand of Time and i knew that
if i lived til i could no longer climb my stairs,
i just don’t think i’ll ever get over you.
your face it dances and it haunts me
your laughter is still ringing in my ears
i still find pieces of your presence here even, even after all these years
don’t want you thinking that i don’t get asked out to dinner
‘cause i’m here to say that i sometimes do
many of these songs are lifted.
behold the magic of music!
our whole story is in this playlist.
i really should start charging you rent (again).
something in me still needs this pain.
the first time i saw you, i loved you.
when i hurt you, i wanted to give birth to you, give birth to you.
i made love to you.
i made love to you.
the great Goddess had us blessed.
the last time i saw you, i fought with you; i fought with you.
i didn’t mean to.
i didn’t mean to.
the next time you’ll see me, let me say sorry.
the next time i see you, i love you.
i’ll be sweet to you.
i’ll take you to my healing room.
o, we both know how loneliness goes.
everytime i see you, i want you.
i want you.
the more i do, you hate me, too.
but the great Goddess has us blessed.
you’re so far away and what can i say.
‘cause i can’t be the one you wanted me to be.
so tell me how does you feel?
it’s so confusing.
so what are we saying?
our Eden’s a failure?
a made up story to fit a picture perfect world?
and we are made for each other is forever over now.
i hope there’s forgiveness in the distance between us.
can we make what lies ahead of us a better place to be?
have you seen?
have not, will travel.
have i missed the big reveal?
do my eyes, do my eyes seem empty?
i’ve forgotten how this feels.
i’ve been high.
i’ve climbed so high.
but now sometimes it washes over me.
have you been?
have done, will travel.
i fell down on my knees.
was i wrong?
i don’t know; don’t answer.
i just needed to believe.
so i dive into a pool so cool and deep,
that if i sink, i sink
and when i swim, i fly so high.
what i want, what i want is
just to live my life on high.
and i know
i know you want the same.
i can see it in your eyes.
all your ways and all your thunder,
got me in a haze, running for cover.
where we gonna go from here?
where we gonna go from here?
700 places
700 faces
in fact, your eyes look like my mother’s.
when we talk, you’re like my brother.
where we gonna go from here?
where we gonna go from here?
it’s bigger than the ocean, bigger than my design.
all your ways and all your thunder,
got me in a haze, running for thunder.
now, i’ve waited, and i’ll wait some more.
won’t see me knocking on another door.
but, all this is crazy and amazing.
‘cause only one half of us that i’ve saving.
so, i’m praying just to let it go.
watch from a distance just to see you glow.
700 places
700 faces
am i faithful?
am i strong?
am i good enough to belong?
your vision of romance is cruel.
all your expectations bury me.
don’t worry.
you will find the answers if you let it go.
give your time some time to falter.
don’t forego knowing that you are loved no matter what.
everything will come around in time.
i own my insecurities, try to own my destiny.
i can make it, break it if i choose.
you take my words and twist them round.
‘til i’m the one who brings you down
make me feel like i’m the one to blame for all this.
you need everybody with you on your side
know that i am here for you
but i hope in time
you’ll find yourself alright alone
you’ll find yourself with open arms
you’ll find yourself
you’ll find yourself
in time
a riot in my heart decides
to keep me open and alive,
i have to take myself away from you.
‘cause i can’t compete
i can’t deny
there’s nothing that i didn’t try.
how did i go so wrong in loving you?
it could all be so simple.
but you’d rather make it hard.
loving you is like a battle
and we both end up with scars
tell me who i have to be
to get some reciprocity
see, no one loves you more than me
and no one ever will.
is this just a silly game?
that forces you to act this way
forces you to scream my name
then pretend that you can’t stay
i keep letting you back in
how can i explain myself
as painful as this thing has been
i just can’t be with no one else
see i know what we’ve got to do
you let go
and i’ll let go too
‘cause no one’s hurt me more than you
and no one ever will
no matter how i think we grow
you always seem to let me know: it ain’t working.
it ain’t working.
and when i try to walk away, you’d hurt yourself to make me stay.
this is crazy.
this is crazy.
this is crazy.
care for me, care for me
you’d say you’d care for me
there for me, there for me
you said you’d be there for me
cry for me, cry for me
you said you’d die for me
give to me, give to me
why won’t you live for me?
where were you when i needed you?
forgive.
sounds good.
forget.
i’m not sure i could.
they say time heals everything.
i’m still waiting.
i’m thru with doubt
there’s nothing left for me to figure out
i’ve paid a price
and i’ll keep paying
i’m not ready to make nice
i’m not ready to back down
i’m still mad as hell and i don’t have time to go round and round and round
it’s too late to make it right
prolly wouldn’t if i could
‘cause i’m mad as hell to do what it is you think i should
i know you’ve said
can’t you just get over it?
it turned my whole world around
and i kinda like it.
if i fall along the way, pick me up and dust me off
and if i get too tired to make, be my breath so i can walk
if i need some other love then, give me more than i can stand
and when my smile gets old and faded, wait around; i’ll smile again.
shouldn’t be so complicated
just hold me and then
just hold me again
can you help me?
i’m bent.
i’m so scared that i’ll never get put back together
keep breakin’ me in
and this is how we will end
whether you and me bend
and if i couldn’t sleep, could you sleep?
could you paint me better off?
could you sympathize with my needs?
i know you think i need a lot.
i started out clean but i’m jaded.
just phonin’ it in
just breakin’ the skin
so she woke up, woke up from where she was lying still
said i gotta do something about where we’re goin’
run from the darkness in the night
sweet the sin
bitter the taste in my mouth
i see 7 towers
but i only see one way out
you gotta cry without weeping
talk without speaking
scream without raising your voice
hit the ground babe
it’s all right now
hit the ground baby
take your veil down
see your eyes in mine
leave the rest behind
hit the ground
‘cause i want to love you now.
i’ve been waiting for you
i’ve been waiting for you
never found anything else but waiting for you
i’ve been calling your name
i’ve been calling your name
never found anything else the same, nothing’s the same
you can kill a lot of time, if you really put your mind to it
or leave it all behind and never really have to go thru it
i keep hearing your name
i keep hearing your name
nothing else sounds same, as hearing your name.
i’m a liar.
it’s my secret no one knows.
i’m a liar.
yea, i know it doesn’t show.
no, i don’t miss you anymore.
no, i don’t think of you.
it’s such a game to seem adored.
no, i don’t love you anymore.
no earthly church has blessed our union.
no state has ever granted us permission
no family bond has made us two
no company has ever owned commission
no debt was paid
no dowry to gained
no treaty over borderland or power
no semblance of a world remained
to state the beauty of this nuptial hour
the secret marriage vow
is never spoken
the secret marriage can never be broken
girl you are rich even with nothing
and you know tenderness comes from pain
it’s amazing how you love
love is kind
love can give
and get no gain
it’s down a rugged road you’ve come
tho you had every reason, you didn’t come undone
somehow, you made it to the other side
you didn’t suffer in vain
you forgive those who have trespassed against you
and you know tenderness comes from pain
it’s amazing you love.
you are the most beautiful thing i’ve ever seen
you shine just like sunlight rains on a winter snow
i just had to tell you so
your eyes sparkle as the stars
like the moon that glows
your smile could light the world on fire
or did you know?
your mind is full of everything that i wanna know
i just had to let you know
i just had to tell you so
you’re my butterfly.
fly
fly
fly
fly
don’t let me down
don’t let me down
don’t let me down
don’t let me down
nobody ever loved me like she does
and if somebody loved like she do me
i’m in love for the first
don’t you know it’s gonna last
it’s a love that lasts forever
it’s a love that has no past
set myself on fire
only thing that’s in your head
don’t deny this
burning from the things you said.
i drink good coffee in the morning
comes from a place that’s far away
when i’m done, i feel like talking
without you here, there is less to say
don’t want you thinking i’m unhappy.
what is closer to the truth
that if i lived til i was 102,
i just don’t think i’ll ever get over you.
no longer drink to drink strong whiskey
i shook the hand of Time and i knew that
if i lived til i could no longer climb my stairs,
i just don’t think i’ll ever get over you.
your face it dances and it haunts me
your laughter is still ringing in my ears
i still find pieces of your presence here even, even after all these years
don’t want you thinking that i don’t get asked out to dinner
‘cause i’m here to say that i sometimes do
slowed
it is a most curious kind of laziness that i feel.
i have this feeling deep down that it is so entirely on purpose.
tho, i confess, i’ve no understanding how come or what for.
industrious Virgo wants to rebel and DO something.
some THINGS, actually.
PLEASE.
(written list flutters to the floor)
the chief Phlegmatic, smiles sleepily at Virg, yawning rather showily.
ah, will you ever learn?
i have many thoughts and ideas of what to write about, and the strength and effort that is required to actually formulate and put said thoughts to paper is beyond me.
frightfully so.
the big hand isn’t holding me down, per se.
but, she is keeping me on a short leash.
blogging is the most strain that i can put on my brain, at the moment.
(this is really a stretch.)
why?
(a more rhetorical question has nary existed.)
(i know i won’t get this answered until it is well within hindsight.)
Jodie says that Moon in Aquarius.
could that be it?
all things hang on the stars?
low energy.
the heat.
too much travel, back and forthing from here and manila.
supposed to go to a thing tomorrow.
doubt i will.
supposed to go on wednesday.
pick up cosmic book from UP Dilliman, blessings.
pick up cosmic spiral bracelet from Unang Panahon.
crash at ‘Tay’s new digs in makati.
see Pi and Lisette, et al.
maybe subic on monday.
i just feel like a great big lumpy sloth.
my brain cannot string any pearls of logical thought to save her life.
and there are heaps of pearls in my house.
i see them all, scattered all over.
and even the effort to plunge my fingertips in their bowls, just for texture sake, is effort i do not have.
even though, i do love to feel their coolness and their roundness on my fingertips.
i caught myself caught up in some serious wistful thinking earlier.
and reading of old hurty emails.
and gazing upon some photos, almost all of which were stolen.
none, save one, were really mine.
i was sad for this.
and also happy, because it is information.
let this one go, Dear.
for all our sakes.
perhaps this releasing needs me to stay put for today.
as i write this, i notice the gnawing ache in my heartspace.
oh.
hello.
let me make some room for you.
just understand, this is just a visit.
you no longer have permission to stay as long as you like.
i have this feeling deep down that it is so entirely on purpose.
tho, i confess, i’ve no understanding how come or what for.
industrious Virgo wants to rebel and DO something.
some THINGS, actually.
PLEASE.
(written list flutters to the floor)
the chief Phlegmatic, smiles sleepily at Virg, yawning rather showily.
ah, will you ever learn?
i have many thoughts and ideas of what to write about, and the strength and effort that is required to actually formulate and put said thoughts to paper is beyond me.
frightfully so.
the big hand isn’t holding me down, per se.
but, she is keeping me on a short leash.
blogging is the most strain that i can put on my brain, at the moment.
(this is really a stretch.)
why?
(a more rhetorical question has nary existed.)
(i know i won’t get this answered until it is well within hindsight.)
Jodie says that Moon in Aquarius.
could that be it?
all things hang on the stars?
low energy.
the heat.
too much travel, back and forthing from here and manila.
supposed to go to a thing tomorrow.
doubt i will.
supposed to go on wednesday.
pick up cosmic book from UP Dilliman, blessings.
pick up cosmic spiral bracelet from Unang Panahon.
crash at ‘Tay’s new digs in makati.
see Pi and Lisette, et al.
maybe subic on monday.
i just feel like a great big lumpy sloth.
my brain cannot string any pearls of logical thought to save her life.
and there are heaps of pearls in my house.
i see them all, scattered all over.
and even the effort to plunge my fingertips in their bowls, just for texture sake, is effort i do not have.
even though, i do love to feel their coolness and their roundness on my fingertips.
i caught myself caught up in some serious wistful thinking earlier.
and reading of old hurty emails.
and gazing upon some photos, almost all of which were stolen.
none, save one, were really mine.
i was sad for this.
and also happy, because it is information.
let this one go, Dear.
for all our sakes.
perhaps this releasing needs me to stay put for today.
as i write this, i notice the gnawing ache in my heartspace.
oh.
hello.
let me make some room for you.
just understand, this is just a visit.
you no longer have permission to stay as long as you like.
Sunday, May 10, 2009
even though
i just finished almost burning my tongue on a seafood cup-o-noodles.
there was one left over from the other night, when rowell and i went on our all- day date. after a full day of adventures, he was craving soup. on the way home, we stopped at the mini-stop (the one next to mary the queen college), and he bought cup-o-noodles and ice cream. i had a pinipig crunch. when he asked me what flavor cup-o-noodles i wanted, i replied, “seafood.” that was Lola’s favorite flavor. turns out it is Rowell’s too. and now mine, by default.
with all of the fasting and cleansing and biodynamic chu-chu i’ve been doing, i can’t believe i’ve been reduced to this. reminds me of college when i ate my fair share of top ramen, potato buds, and rice-o-roni. i remember one day when i thought to myself, “i actually don’t have to eat this crap.” and i started making meals from scratch.
my mind is swimming lately.
much has happened.
i completed my teacher training. will lay that to rest for now and trust that the i’ve prepared the soil enough for the seeds that were planted to germinate and grow.
pretty much straight from the 3 week training, i attended an anthroposophic conference for 3 days in manila. more learning and connections. brilliant lecturers. new friends. old friends. lots of synapse fire.
have had some warm reunions with some long-lost and wayward friends. that has been thrilling and a little nervewracking. takes energy to extend and extend. and extend. it’s good to witness my own growth. and it’s a very good feeling, indeed, for my own witness to be enough.
i go to manila tomorrow to buy my plane ticket to go to the states next month for another visit. i’ll be attending the annual sesshin at my Center. was a big decision for me to go. i’m mindful that i’ve given myself a precious few months left here in the Philippines before i move back to the states. there are many places yet to visit and re-visit. at the end of this month, the cordilleras. will stay with grace in baguio, then off to banaue and sagada, sola.
there’s also batanes (sana) before the rainy season starts, and perhaps tuguegarao. also vigan, palawan, davao, makilala. los banos, tagaytay. and also back to Iloilo for classroom observation at GCI and cheese sticks at mango tree.
and then there’s the money factor. it’s a thousand bucks for airfare alone. the deciding factor ultimately came down to a question. after it is all said and done, i asked myself, “would i regret NOT going?”
the quiet voice said, “yes.”
and that was that.
well, that and my knowing that the annual sesshin is one of those Practice reference points, especially when considering that i return to the Center this year. when someone says, “remember at the last sesshin when…,” i want to be able to say, “yah, that was...”
so…thank goodness for credit cards.
oh, and Pipsy, my car, has been acting up. repairs (now, i know what a tire rod end is!) and renewing registration and insurance and gas… it’s all adding up. and, man, driving is truly a privilege. when i go back to the states, i will be car-less, and i’m thinking that may be the way to go…
i drop off Pipsy at a shop in san fernando tomorrow morning at 8am, and then i’ll commute to manila. it’s been awhile since i’ve taken the bus, and i’m kinda looking forward to it. let someone else do the driving and toll-paying and parking!
it’s been raining a lot here lately. two typhoons in the last week or so. the last one hit Zambales. Guagua is flooded. as i type this, i hear the distant rumbling of thunder. another storm coming. my right shoulder has been aching for the last week or so. i thought it was related to my moon, but, no, i’m afraid it’s a touch of arthritis!
last night was the first night that i actually felt afraid to sleep alone here. Rowell has been sleeping over a lot, so maybe i’m used to that na. but, last night, the rain was so loud, it woke me up from sleep. it was so loud, i thought, “my gosh, it’s gonna soak thru the roof!” it was so loud, i couldn’t sleep for the racket it made. i saw strange shadows and things dart around out of the corners of my eyes. it was the full moon last night, too.
i’ve done an apparent about-face re: facebook. i went from reluctant to neutral to skeptical to full blown addict. i like the stupid quizzes. (just not the really stupid ones.) i like feeling connected to people that i care about, especially in the bay. i know it’s not as good as an in-the-flesh connection, but when i’m all the way over here, it fills a certain void.
i had big plans for today. for cleaning. for yoga or running. for going to mass. for going to the palengke. i did none of it. early in the morning, a friend shared some upsetting news about recent life choices made by another friend. it’s like a train wreck about to happen. and i feel powerless to stop it. there’s nothing for me to do, except love her through this train wreck. and hope she survives it. she’ll survive it alright; she’s one of the toughest people i know. she’ll be so busy surviving, in fact, she’ll forget what it feels like to thrive. and she was just beginning to thrive, really thrive. i’m heartbroken over this. sayang na naman.
so, i spent some time crying and cursing. and slapping the wall, shaking my fists. and wishing to hit things and certain people and wail.
rageful. i was feeling rageful.
my facebook status says that i am making friends with rage.
it’s been 3 days now, and we’re still at it.
rage is like, "dude, glad you calmed down enough to see me, instead of reacting..." then, she's like, "can't you see my gift?"
me, i'm like, "yah, i know you're bringin’ sumthin'. and i even know it's time to look at it, receive it in a good way. forgive me tho, i’m still afraid to peek under your skirt."
she shrugs and sighs and crosses her legs. crosses her arms. and waits.
rage, i say, i can see your gift.
you invite me to look underneath.
it is not enough to stay surface and run amok.
the juice is at the root.
the opportunity for living Freedom, in every moment, begins at the root.
it’s the pain of looking underneath.
the being okay with not knowing why.
the agony of letting go.
the discernment of knowing when to speak up and when to hold it.
the discomfort of seeing someone i love make a very, very bad choice…and then in turn, remind myself to love her through it.
even though.
even though?
even though.
unconditional, Muki.
this is the agreement.
i opened a window earlier, and a tail-less gecko jumped in and scurried away.
like a reminder.
unconditional, Muki.
this is the agreement.
fuck.
this is really hard stuff.
there was one left over from the other night, when rowell and i went on our all- day date. after a full day of adventures, he was craving soup. on the way home, we stopped at the mini-stop (the one next to mary the queen college), and he bought cup-o-noodles and ice cream. i had a pinipig crunch. when he asked me what flavor cup-o-noodles i wanted, i replied, “seafood.” that was Lola’s favorite flavor. turns out it is Rowell’s too. and now mine, by default.
with all of the fasting and cleansing and biodynamic chu-chu i’ve been doing, i can’t believe i’ve been reduced to this. reminds me of college when i ate my fair share of top ramen, potato buds, and rice-o-roni. i remember one day when i thought to myself, “i actually don’t have to eat this crap.” and i started making meals from scratch.
my mind is swimming lately.
much has happened.
i completed my teacher training. will lay that to rest for now and trust that the i’ve prepared the soil enough for the seeds that were planted to germinate and grow.
pretty much straight from the 3 week training, i attended an anthroposophic conference for 3 days in manila. more learning and connections. brilliant lecturers. new friends. old friends. lots of synapse fire.
have had some warm reunions with some long-lost and wayward friends. that has been thrilling and a little nervewracking. takes energy to extend and extend. and extend. it’s good to witness my own growth. and it’s a very good feeling, indeed, for my own witness to be enough.
i go to manila tomorrow to buy my plane ticket to go to the states next month for another visit. i’ll be attending the annual sesshin at my Center. was a big decision for me to go. i’m mindful that i’ve given myself a precious few months left here in the Philippines before i move back to the states. there are many places yet to visit and re-visit. at the end of this month, the cordilleras. will stay with grace in baguio, then off to banaue and sagada, sola.
there’s also batanes (sana) before the rainy season starts, and perhaps tuguegarao. also vigan, palawan, davao, makilala. los banos, tagaytay. and also back to Iloilo for classroom observation at GCI and cheese sticks at mango tree.
and then there’s the money factor. it’s a thousand bucks for airfare alone. the deciding factor ultimately came down to a question. after it is all said and done, i asked myself, “would i regret NOT going?”
the quiet voice said, “yes.”
and that was that.
well, that and my knowing that the annual sesshin is one of those Practice reference points, especially when considering that i return to the Center this year. when someone says, “remember at the last sesshin when…,” i want to be able to say, “yah, that was...”
so…thank goodness for credit cards.
oh, and Pipsy, my car, has been acting up. repairs (now, i know what a tire rod end is!) and renewing registration and insurance and gas… it’s all adding up. and, man, driving is truly a privilege. when i go back to the states, i will be car-less, and i’m thinking that may be the way to go…
i drop off Pipsy at a shop in san fernando tomorrow morning at 8am, and then i’ll commute to manila. it’s been awhile since i’ve taken the bus, and i’m kinda looking forward to it. let someone else do the driving and toll-paying and parking!
it’s been raining a lot here lately. two typhoons in the last week or so. the last one hit Zambales. Guagua is flooded. as i type this, i hear the distant rumbling of thunder. another storm coming. my right shoulder has been aching for the last week or so. i thought it was related to my moon, but, no, i’m afraid it’s a touch of arthritis!
last night was the first night that i actually felt afraid to sleep alone here. Rowell has been sleeping over a lot, so maybe i’m used to that na. but, last night, the rain was so loud, it woke me up from sleep. it was so loud, i thought, “my gosh, it’s gonna soak thru the roof!” it was so loud, i couldn’t sleep for the racket it made. i saw strange shadows and things dart around out of the corners of my eyes. it was the full moon last night, too.
i’ve done an apparent about-face re: facebook. i went from reluctant to neutral to skeptical to full blown addict. i like the stupid quizzes. (just not the really stupid ones.) i like feeling connected to people that i care about, especially in the bay. i know it’s not as good as an in-the-flesh connection, but when i’m all the way over here, it fills a certain void.
i had big plans for today. for cleaning. for yoga or running. for going to mass. for going to the palengke. i did none of it. early in the morning, a friend shared some upsetting news about recent life choices made by another friend. it’s like a train wreck about to happen. and i feel powerless to stop it. there’s nothing for me to do, except love her through this train wreck. and hope she survives it. she’ll survive it alright; she’s one of the toughest people i know. she’ll be so busy surviving, in fact, she’ll forget what it feels like to thrive. and she was just beginning to thrive, really thrive. i’m heartbroken over this. sayang na naman.
so, i spent some time crying and cursing. and slapping the wall, shaking my fists. and wishing to hit things and certain people and wail.
rageful. i was feeling rageful.
my facebook status says that i am making friends with rage.
it’s been 3 days now, and we’re still at it.
rage is like, "dude, glad you calmed down enough to see me, instead of reacting..." then, she's like, "can't you see my gift?"
me, i'm like, "yah, i know you're bringin’ sumthin'. and i even know it's time to look at it, receive it in a good way. forgive me tho, i’m still afraid to peek under your skirt."
she shrugs and sighs and crosses her legs. crosses her arms. and waits.
rage, i say, i can see your gift.
you invite me to look underneath.
it is not enough to stay surface and run amok.
the juice is at the root.
the opportunity for living Freedom, in every moment, begins at the root.
it’s the pain of looking underneath.
the being okay with not knowing why.
the agony of letting go.
the discernment of knowing when to speak up and when to hold it.
the discomfort of seeing someone i love make a very, very bad choice…and then in turn, remind myself to love her through it.
even though.
even though?
even though.
unconditional, Muki.
this is the agreement.
i opened a window earlier, and a tail-less gecko jumped in and scurried away.
like a reminder.
unconditional, Muki.
this is the agreement.
fuck.
this is really hard stuff.
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