moving through it

been feeling better. settle, settle. breathe. breath. starting to feel in my body again. starting, starting. there's a lot of work to do.

good to see Susan again. we ate at green's (best vegetarian restaurant around here), dessert and tea at wheatberry's. seven hour date... eight months is a lot to catch up on. her life has been just as full as mine.

moved to the Lola Pacita's house last night. her house is old and dusty. some things in my room have at least 50 years worth of dust on them. have some cleaning to do. yes, have some cleaning to do. the house, their whole family compound sits on an old battlesite of the fil-am war? or maybe it was wwII. actually, prolly both.

anyway,i still feel the heat. incense burns brighter and hotter. lit some sage to clear the room. george's dad came to visit last night anyway. he's been dead for 40 years or so. a mutual regard. hello...then, he left. and i slept.

so many feelings and thoughts. finding myself wanting to document it. hold onto them. but they go so fast. when i dwell on them, i miss the moment. old habit. no more.

star wars, episode I.
obe-wan: master yoda said i should be mindful of the future.
qui-gon: but, not at the expense of the moment.

saw sandy the oracle last night. she has a new place in cubao. i was surrounded by dragons and elephants, so i felt safe. confirmed/affirmed a lot my knowings, musings. gave me timeframes. helped break my heart wider and wider open.

she said that i was reading from an ancient book, whose pages contain so many things. and they are crumbling. she said to stop analyzing while trying to read because i'm missing stuff. the pages are crumbling. there is time to analyze later, she said.

be present.

i've heard this before.

Muki, it's time to listen.

please, may i find what i need to listen.
please, may i find what i need to let go.

isn't it just a matter of will?

please, may i love myself through this process.
please, may i love myself through this process.

embrace it, Muki.
this is your path.
live in this moment. and then the next. and then the next. and so on.

i am powerful.

trust.
trust.

grace.
peace.

love.