one foot in front of the other...

sitting at mccarran airport, international terminal, gate 3. hacking. other people around me hacking. that's the last time i kiss that husband of mine. really.

some ancient, ancient tenacious goop is coming out of my lungs. what was rattled loose at that retreat? haven't been this respiratorily frail in a couple of years... wheezy, wheezy. breathing in and out sounds like a sad and distant harmonica, "oh, dear. oh dear. oh dear."

feeling exhausted. hanging on by a slim, slim thread. got maybe 3 hours of sleep last night. spinning, spinning. saw myself spinning and just couldn't stop.

got into it with my mother. shocking. we just don't do goodbyes well. we really don't. maybe this is why i am so determined to do it differently. why i will always go out of my way to part ways well.

she kept dangling bait in front of me. stinky, fetid, rotting fish guts. and i smelled it and looked the other way. and i sniffed it and looked right at it. i saw it and smiled. (yes, and this, too) then she waived it around and it grazed the very tip of my nose and i snarled and bit. hard.

it starts out with the usual.
why don't you cut your hair?
why don't you style it this way?
you want to go to the one who cuts mine?
when she says this, she shakes her head, as she runs her fingers through her hair as she turns her face upward, as if looking at her magic mirror.

then, it's onto my clothes. or if she is feeling it that that day, she goes straight for the make-up (or lack thereof.) usually, she starts and ends with my weight. yesterday was different.

yesterday, she went for the Center.
and my friends.
and my sexuality.

she said, "i'm so disappointed in you."
"i don't know who you are anymore."
"what are you doing with your life?"
"you used to care about what you looked like."
"we didn't raise you to be like this."
"i want you to have a normal life."
"you've really changed."

ouch.
ouch.
ouch.
ouch.
ouch.
ouch.
fucking ouch.

i said, "it's painful for me to hear that i disappoint you."
"if you don't know me, it's because you don't want to."
"lay off my friends."
"i love my life."
"this is why i don't share details of my life with you anymore."
"are you trying to hurt me?"
"why are you saying these things?"
"you words feel heavy, mom."

i don't even like stinky, fetid, rotting fish guts. never did. i think i just bit out of habit. she's raising the stakes; she found a new place to poke...she got a rise out of me because that is how we connect. heaven forbid that she say that she'll miss me. heaven forbid that she say to take care. heaven forbid that she say that she is worried about my well-being. much easier to slap.

only thing is, it's not.
nothing feels easy about this.
i'm heartbroken again.
she is doing her best. i am doing my best.
can i accept this?
okay.