ease

another shift has happened in this extraordinary, ordinary life of mine.
last tuesday, i was up to my eyeballs in stress, overwhelm, disappointment, confusion, grief...

i realized how much energy it takes to be angry.
and how much energy it takes to be angry and pretend that i'm not so much.
and how much energy it takes to be angry, pretend that i'm not not so much while trying to find a constructive way to move through it that doesn't involve dramatics or violence.

i went to bed that night and wondered how to stop.
i realized that i need to be even more intentional in how i spend my time and energies.
i realized that my anger was consuming my precious resources.

the next day, i was pensive.
still brooding.
moving through it.
talked with friends about how i was feeling.
sat in meditation in the morning.
cried.
wrote.
sobbed.
sang.
cleaned.
drummed.
napped
listened.
hugged myself.
rocked myself.
soothed myself.

somewhere between sleep and waking the next morning, the anger left.
it was such a strange feeling to have her gone.
at first, i didn't believe.
oh, she's around here somewhere.
she can't have left.
i realized in, in a way, i kinda missed her.
just a little.
and just for a few seconds.
then, it was more a reactive panic.
where IS she?
is she really gone?

yes.
she is.