february

is there something about february that is just ridiculous?

i remember last year's february was so difficult for me.

this year is no exception.

i am racking my brains.
wanting to tear my hair out.

actually wanting to tear my heart out.

don't want to feel right now.
want to check out.
and be numb.

want to run away from my responsibilities.
want to abandon Mayora.

i swear the hardest thing about this "whole thing" has been my relationship with her.
stuff around money lately.

SCARCITY IS A MYTH.
EVERYTHING DOES NOT NEED TO BE A BLOODY BATTLE TO THE DEATH.

i think about my Center in berkeley.
how i worked out a lot of my tightness around money there.
how heartbreaking it is to be on the receiving end of behavior so instilled in fear
and investment in fear
and so little trust nor venue for conversation about it.
sabi ni Mayora kasi, "if there are issues here, they are YOURS, not mine."

naku, i know that place.
and i recognize the impact of my privilege (money, class, nationality, mobility, etc.) in all of this.
haaay, it's so complicated.

i remember what my Mitra said before i left this last time.

she said, "Muki, take care of Muki."

i hear her voice now.
see the look on her face.
deep love, concern, encouragement, acknowledgement of the pain, without my having said anything about it.
all with a look.
her eyes see through my brave front.
could actually feel her empathy, as she knows this Path is not an easy one.
she knows because she has walked it before.
wish i could hug her now.
or lean my head on her shoulder while she watches heroes or csi or 24 or whatever.
she can have similar energy to Mayora with one important difference.

when we do our work at the Center, if she saw someone (and there was always someone!) working themselves from an unsustainable place, from a place of anger or violence, after a bit, if they didn't self-correct their course or if the Community didn't step up and ask the hard questions, she would say, "just stop. let the project go."

even if it was really important to our growth.
even if it was really important to our Community.
even if outside agencies were depending on us.
even if "so much good" would come out of it.
even if there was little to no chance that the beneficiaries of the work would ever know nor likely care HOW the work was actually completed.

Mitra said, "if our work comes from an unsustainable place, it actually sows the seeds for more violence, which is why we find ourselves in this kind of world."

she said, "i would rather see you give it up than do it that way. i'll let this whole thing fall to the ground, if need be."

and she really meant it.
i didn't believe her at first.
who really says that and means it?
people SAY that, and when it comes right down to it, it's the bottom line. it's always the bottom line.

no, no.
my Mitra is the real deal.
she means it.
she means it with every fiber of her Being.
and it comes from a place of deep Love.
and fierce Compassion.

i've seen it.
i've experienced it.
and i realize deeper and deeper how precious that is to me.
and how rare indeed.

i want to abandon Mayora, and i know i won't.
see, i walk a different way now.
it's about relationship.
i will do as my Teacher has instructed me.

Muki, take care of Muki.
and, in doing this, i will be able to see more clearly.
and find the courage to ask the hard questions.
and ask in a good way.
not in a fit of rage or hurt.
and it may be that i choose to leave Mayora, not abandon her.

earlier, i slipped on these foam tiles that line the floor of the clinic.
was going too fast.
took a fall on the cement.
will be sore tomorrow.
bruised, too, prolly.

slow down, Beautiful.
smile.
enjoy this too, if you can.

supposed to go to Prado tonight.
cancelled.
the thought of climbing into a jeep, then a bus, and then trying to find my way in the dark makes me feel nauseated.
will stay put tonight.
will walk to the park.
look at the moon.
and find some calamares and buko juice for dinner.